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I wonder if this hat will look good with my mop-like hair.

Since this site hosts the archives of Tuesday Morning Quarterback (as mentioned by TMQ himself), the site owner now possesses the hat of TMQ - including signature. How very exciting.

- Read here for links to all the TMQ coverage you could possibly want.

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 6:58 PM

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The football gods have shown their mercy (even though Disney has not) and TMQ is back! An entire column written by Mr. Gregg Easterbrook himself! This week, it resides on Football Outsiders (which happens to be a great site), next week, who knows.

If you read on, there is some cool stuff that TMQ says about my site. I'll just paste it here for you to read in case you don't get to the TMQ column.

"Note: thanks to the efforts of Tien Mao, a New York City construction guy with a severely cool personal website, you can still read my Maroon Zone column here. Mao has rescued everything the Ministry of Bristol tried to drop down the memory hole, though without the cheesecake and beefcake photos, sadly. Isn't this just the beauty of the Internet? One guy working alone in an apartment in New York, greatest city in the world, single-handedly frustrates the attempt of a huge corporation to make something disappear."

I just want to thank Gregg and Aaron for their kind words (Aaron in his maroon zone analysis). It should also be noted that I am not really a "construction guy" even though I work in the field of construction. I am more of an "office guy."

- previous communiqué with Gregg
- the TMQ controversy
- the TMQ archives

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 1:50 PM

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This morning, after voting, I came into work, checked my email and to my surprise, I had an email from a "geasterbrook." With my curiosity piqued, I opened this email first. It was from none other than Gregg Easterbrook - TMQ himself!

The email:

Dear Tien, Many thanks for archiving the TMQs -- I was starting to wonder how I myself would ever get them, until I realized you had done this. You have no legal worries. My ESPN contract says that on termination the rights revert to me, and I'm definitely terminated. Send me a mailing address and I will send you one of the last Slate-era TMQ baseball caps. Let me know if you want it signed. It's really nice of you to have saved all these from the scrapheap of history. Best, Gregg Easterbrook

I've posted plenty about this, but if you didn't know, Easterbrook lost his job at ESPN.com about a month ago over some things he wrote on his blog on The New Republic site. I then archived all his old ESPN columns on my site as a service to his fans, many of which appreciated the efforts. Good to know that Easterbrook also liked the thought. It's also good to know that I will not be getting sued by Disney.

- The original TMQ controversy.
- The TMQ archives.

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 11:05 AM

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Ever since the sad day that ESPN.com fired TMQ, his loyal readers have looked for a source of amusement. Some, have come to the "little read book" (my most traffic ever), others have sounded off on other sites. Last week, TMQ writer Gregg Easterbrook surfaced on Football Outsiders, which will serve as his temporary home, with some news about the TMQ column. Football Outsiders also started a TMQ contest for the public. The column by the fans has been posted, including some writing by TMQ himself.

- Read the column.

***This just in. From the end of the column, I am mentioned***
"Hidden TMQ Archives of the Week: Earlier in this column, we joked about the TMQ archives disappearing from ESPN.com. Actually, blogger Tien Mao has taken it upon himself to try to archive as many 2002-2003 TMQ columns as possible. Please go visit and bookmark his site. "

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 12:11 PM

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In a quest to serve the public, I'm going to try to put all of the old TMQ articles as entries on my site. I finally finished with all the articles I found. The links that were in the articles are gone, as are the pictures. Unfortunately, no pictures of cheesecake.

They will be linked from this entry.

***TMQ update: All my "coverage" on TMQ news.***

New key to success: the Maroon Zone (10.14.03)
TV policy causes TMQ more pain (10.7.03)
Run amok: Soldier Field, Terrell's ego (9.30.03)
Cowboys' win better than ice cream (9.16.03)
Highlights, lowlights and ugly unis (9.9.03)
Hangin' with the cheer-babes (9.9.03)
Most accurate NFL predictions anywhere (9.2.03)
NFC preview: Pass the potatoes(8.26.03)
AFC preview: not blacked out(8.19.03)
I am back with offseason highlights (8.12.03)
Divine intervention (7.01.03)
Next stop, avoiding reality (6.17.03)
The Rust Age of the NBA (6.10.03)
Life in the NFL doldrums (6.3.03)
Wiz choose err over Air (5.9.03)
Making the grade ... with ease (4.29.03)
Making a mockery (4.22.03)
Near naked and not complaining (2.21.03)
LeBron-gate (2.13.03)
Derelict predictions (1.29.03)
Why are you punting? (1.28.03)
The weekend the gods winced (1.21.03)
Blitz happens (1.7.03)
Affiliate follies frustrate NFL fans (12.31.02)
NFL's 88 percent solution (12.24.02)
NFL talking heads stuck in reverse (12.10.02)
Pass the turkeys out of Dallas, Detroit (11.26.02)
Don't say you haven't been warned (11.19.02)
Muddling along the NFL's middle (11.12.02)
Dishing out the dirt about DirecTV (10.29.02)
There's nowhere to run to, baby! (10.22.02)
Honk if you're from St. Louis (10.15.02)
Shrink-wrapped help for your teams (10.8.02)
Always read the fine print (10.1.02)
Losing is alien to Rams, Steelers (9.24.02)
Florida foibles and football fumbles (9.17.02)
Dumb, dumber ... and Dwayne Rudd(9.10.02)
Haiku me? No, haiku you!(9.3.02)
New map points to NFC treasures(8.27.02)
Previewing the fall line for the AFC (8.20.02)
Delusions of grandeur in preseason (8.13.02)
Offensive and boring(6.4.02)
Lies, Damned Lies and Hundredths (4.23.02)
A real mockery of a draft(4.16.02)

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 9:18 AM

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New key to success: the Maroon Zone
By Gregg Easterbrook
Page 2 columnist

Football purists obsess over the red zone, but what about the Maroon Zone? Often it is where the manly men are separated from the individuals who merely have XY chromosome pairs.

The Maroon Zone is the area from the opponent's 40-yard line to 30-yard line -- where logic usually dictates going on fourth down, since it's too far for an easy field goal, but too close to punt. Once in the Maroon Zone, make a first down and you've converted a mere possession into a scoring opportunity; fail to get the first and it's either an embarrassing turnover on downs, a long-shot figgie try that gives the opponent great field position if it fails or, worst, launching a ridiculous, mincing fraidy-cat punt. In the Maroon Zone, the team that wants to win simply must get a first down.

In Sunday action, Denver had three Maroon Zone possessions, from the Pittsburgh 30, 34 and 38. Result? Two scoring drives, one for a touchdown and one for the winning field goal as time expired. Winning Maroon Zone performance!

Kansas City had three Maroon Zone possessions, from the Green Bay 31, 32 and 38. Result? Two scoring drives, one for a touchdown and one for the tying field goal at the end of regulation. Winning Maroon Zone performance!

In the same game, Green Bay seemed Maroon Zone invincible -- its four touchdowns followed Maroon Zone possessions at the Kansas City 31-, 35-, 40- and 40-yard lines. Then in the middle of the fourth quarter the Packers entered the Maroon Zone for the fifth time, ball spotted on the Chiefs' 36. An interception returned for a Kansas City touchdown made it Packers 31, Chiefs 28 and this (plus Mars and Uranus being unusually close to Earth) spelled eventual home-team defeat.

Chiefs-Packers
As the Chiefs showed the Packers, it's all about the Maroon Zone.

When Maroon Zone penetrations fail, calamity follows. Leading 3-0 late in the first quarter at Jersey/B, Buffalo reached third-and-inches in the Maroon Zone at the Jets' 32. Pass incomplete on third down; run stuffed on fourth down; Jersey/B, energized, drives the length of the field to take the lead. Trailing 20-3, the Bills reached third-and-3 at the Jets' 30 early in the third period, comeback hopes on the line. Sack, turnover on downs. Maroon Zone failures doomed the Bills to humiliating 30-3 defeat by a previous winless team.

Last night on Monday Night Football, the Atlanta Typos trailed 10-0 late in the second quarter and faced a critical Maroon Zone moment, third-and-1 on the Rams' 32. Incompletion, incompletion, blocked field-goal attempt. Maroon Zone failure doomed the Typos to a humiliating 36-0 defeat on national television. (Note: TMQ calls Atlanta the Typos because their new all-black uniforms look like a printing-press error.)

Yes, things can go well in the Maroon Zone and defeat still knock on the trainer's-room door. The Colts had three Maroon Zone possessions for three scores against Carolina, yet left the stadium mumbling "&%$#@!" Tuesday Morning Quarterback does not claim the Maroon Zone is a flawless predictor of outcomes. But it is the place where possessions either become scoring drives, or end badly. Time to start tracking the Maroon Zone.

In other NFL news, the evil Lord Voldemort (Dan Snyder) got to watch Brad Johnson, the quarterback whom Snyder personally ordered discarded by the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons, pound on Snyder's team in its house. Since Voldemort's canny decision to discard Johnson -- in order to start the always-failed-everywhere Jeff George! -- the Persons have gone 19-23 and made no postseason appearances. The Bucs, starting Johnson, have gone 27-14 and won the Super Bowl. Once again TMQ asks, how did Dan Snyder become a multimillionaire? Every management decision he has made with the Persons has been a boneheaded blunder.

And in still other NFL news, this Sunday was the worst-ever for programming gaffes by network affiliates. Local affiliates showed a menu of cringe-worthy woofer games while the two marquee contests of the week, Panthers-Colts and Chiefs-Packers, both of which turned out to be overtime thrillers, went unseen almost everywhere: details below. What's the solution? Move to Canada or Mexico, where, unlike in the United States, NFL Sunday Ticket is available to anyone. Or move to Iran -- where, it turns out, NFL Sunday broadcasts are better than in United States! Iranians get better NFL games than the American taxpayers who make NFL profits possible? See below.

Steve Smith
Who thought the Panthers would be celebrating like this every week?

Stat of the Week: Stretching back to last season, the Panthers are on a 9-1 run.

Stat of the Week No. 2: Stretching back to last season, Oakland has followed a 9-1 run with a 2-5 run.

Stat of the Week No. 3: Arizona held Jamal Lewis to 131 yards rushing.

Stat of the Week No. 4: Dick Vermeil has reached 6-0 with the Eagles, Rams and Chiefs.

Stat of the Week No. 5: Buffalo has gone four consecutive games without scoring a touchdown in the first half.

Stat of the Week No. 6: Green Bay, Jax and the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons surrendered a combined 55 points in the fourth quarter, all at home.

Stat of the Week No. 7: The Panthers and Ravens, combined record 8-2, have run 356 times and passed 249 times, a 59 percent rushing percentage.

Stat of the Week No. 8: The Bills and Persons, combined record 6-6, have passed 415 times and run 297 times, a 42 percent rushing percentage.

Stat of the Week No. 9: For two consecutive weeks, Oakland has scored a touchdown on its opening possession and then not scored another touchdown in the game. The Raiders lost both.

Stat of the Week No. 10: Brett Favre is 0-3 against Kansas City; he has at least one win against every other team the Packers have faced during his tenure.

Stat of the Week No. 11: Tiki Barber has fumbled eight times in his last seven regular-season outings.

Stat of the Week No. 12: Miami lost more yards on penalties (149) than it gained passing (143).

Holli
A nurse and a Colts cheerleader! Holli makes TMQ wish he were suffering from the same injuries as Edgerrin James.

Cheerleader of the Week: Many readers including James Etling of Indianapolis have proposed Holli of the red-hot (actually, blue-hot) Indianapolis Colts, so here she is. The Colts don't put much about their cheer-babes into cheerleader bios, though we do know that Holli is a nursing student. A nurse and a cheerleader -- fantasy overload.

Sweet Play of the Week No. 1: Leading 3-0 late in the second quarter, Les Mouflons faced second-and-goal at the Atlanta Typos' 3. St. Louis quarterback Marc Bulger came to the line and saw that the Typos had no middle linebacker on the field -- they'd gone to a dime defense despite a likely-run situation -- and that both Atlanta defensive tackles were on the outside shoulder of Rams guards. This meant there was no defender directly in front of him. Bulger called the "instant sneak," the high-school play on which the QB taps the center's butt and just takes the ball himself, while the rest of this team stands there. Uncontested three-yard touchdown, and Les Mouflons never looked back.

Sweet Play of the Week No. 2: Trailing Oakland 7-3 in the third, the Cleveland Browns (Release 2.1) lined up for a field-goal try. The holder flipped the ball to kicker Phil Dawson, who ran 14 yards for the first down. Cleveland scored its only touchdown, the winning points, on the next snap.

Sweet Play of the Week No. 3: Game scoreless, the Seattle Blue Men Group faced third-and-7 on the San Francisco 24. Seattle formed a screen right, Matt Hasselbeck pumped right, and then Hasselbeck threw left to Bobby Engram behind a second screen. Engram got the first down, and Seattle scored a touchdown on the next snap. What made this play so sweet? The pump-faked-screen is a San Francisco play! It comes directly from the Niners' playbook, and once was Steve Young's favorite call. Niner acolytes in Green Bay also used the pump-faked-screen play for Ahman Green's 11-yard touchdown against Kansas City.

Sour Play of the Week No. 1: Trailing 17-3 early in the fourth quarter, Jersey/A faced fourth-and-8 on the New England 16. The Giants took the field goal. Accomplishing what? Instead of being down 14, they were still down 11. Trailing big in the fourth quarter on the road, you've got to take some chances and cause some pressure on the home team. Fourth-and-8 from the 16 isn't bad considering that if you miss, the opponent is pinned deep.

New York Giants
Kerry Collins was distraught after Jim Fassel called for the FG instead of going for it.

Then, having chosen tactics based on cutting the margin to 11 points -- meaning a field goal and a touchdown plus a deuce are required -- on its next possession, Jersey/A reached fourth-and-6 on the New England 26. The Giants went for it. Interception, and Jersey/A never threatened again. Having chosen tactics based on cutting the margin to 11 points, aren't you locked in to the field-goal try at this point?

Sour Play of the Week No. 2: Leading 17-10, the Blue Men Group faced second-and-24 on their own 24. Hasselbeck played-faked a run, then threw an interception; San Francisco scored a touchdown on the possession, setting up the close ending. Who's going to fall for a play fake on second-and-24?

Oh, What Might Have Been: Two plays before Kansas City's winning touchdown in overtime at Green Bay, Darren Sharper of the Packers dropped an interception with nothing but grass in front of him. One play before Denver's winning field goal at double-zeros, Steeler safety Brent Alexander dropped an interception. And the pass that Ricky Manning intercepted and returned to the Indianapolis 28, setting up the touchdown that started the Carolina comeback, was perfectly thrown to Colts' back James Mungro, off whose hands it bounced into the air.

Where Was the Defense? One of TMQ's immutable laws is Play-Fake on First. Reaching the goal line, play-fakes work on first down because the defense is thinking run; they rarely succeed on second down, when the defense has just stuffed a run and is thinking pass.

Trailing the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons 3-0, the defending champion Bucs reached first-and-goal at the Persons' 1. The run on first down was stuffed. On second down, Tampa play-faked; easy touchdown pass to tight end Todd Yoder. After stuffing a run, why wasn't the defense thinking pass? Later, leading 14-13, Tampa reached first-and-goal on the Persons' 6. The run on first down was stuffed. On second down, Tampa play-faked; easy touchdown pass to tight end Will Heller. After stuffing a run -- and after seeing a run followed by a play-fake in the identical situation earlier -- why wasn't the defense thinking pass?

Stupid Movie Physics: A consistently delightful Internet site is Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics, which details how Hollywood represents flight, explosions, space travel and other phenomena in ways that violate physical law. Guns that fire hundreds of rounds without being reloaded are a staple complaint. The site often harps on how falling and jumping are depicted in the movies in physically impossible ways, regardless of strength.

A review of the BS (Beyond Stupid) dragons-attack-London movie "Reign of Fire" pointed out that if the dragons had scales so thick that modern surface-to-air missiles bounced off, they'd be much too heavy to take wing. And go ahead and assume that fire-breathing animals can exist; but if they do, "any energy transferred out of the dragon in the form of flames must first go into the dragon in the form of food." The scene in which a dragon melts an entire tank convoy would require, the Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics reviewer calculated, the equivalent of at least 100 gallons of petroleum for flame energy, which in turn would require the dragon to ingest the equivalent of 12,000 milkshakes. Ridiculously, we are told the dragons subsist by consuming ashes from the fires they ignite. But ashes have, by definition, already lost most of their energy content.

Spider-man
The only thing more insulting than stupid movie physics are teams that always pass on third-and-short.

Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics also took apart a scene that represents, to TMQ, the epitome of movies depicting something impossible in physical terms, regardless of superpower. In "Spider-Man," the sinister Green Goblin is standing atop the Queensboro Bridge, holding the comely Mary Jane in one hand and a cable supporting a cable car full of tourists in the other hand; Spider-Man is supposed to choose which the Goblin will drop and which he will spare. Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics calculated that if the cable car weighed two tons and the cable is at a five-degree angle to the horizon, the side force at the Goblin's arm would be 23,000 pounds. "Even if we suspend our disbelief that the thin material in the Goblin's armor could support 23,000 pounds," there's no way this force, counterweighted only by the nubile Mary Jane, could fail to pull the Goblin sideways off the bridge.

What happens next is one of the "endless falling" scenes that drives TMQ crazy -- people in movies plummeting downward through the air for far longer than physically possible, often calmly doing something as they plummet. When Spider-Man refuses to choose, the Goblin drops both the cable car and the charming Mary Jane. Spider-Man executes a series of dramatic web-swings to catch both. Set aside that the cable car, now accelerating under gravity, when grabbed by Spider-Man would transfer hundreds of thousands of pounds of force to Spidey's arm. Set that aside and just count the seconds. The Queensboro Bridge is 350 feet high. Free-falling objects in Earth's atmosphere accelerate at 9.8 meters per second per second. This means Mary Jane and the cable car would take four seconds to fall from the top of the Queensboro Bridge to the surface of the East River. The scene in which Spiderman swings into position to catch them is 15 seconds long.

Best Use of TMQ: Tuesday Morning Quarterback advised in its NFC preview, "Tip to Eagles opponents: Philadelphia onside kicks in unexpected situations," especially to start games. Three years ago, the Eagles onside kicked to open their game at Dallas. On Sunday they did the same; Cowboy Randal Williams snagged the rock and ran it 37 yards for the touchdown. Cowboys' sideline gentleman Bruce DeHaven, one of the best special-teams coaches in football annals except for one play -- his Buffalo charges gave up the "Music City Miracle" at Tennessee -- knew about the Eagles' onside tendency, surely from reading TMQ! DeHaven had the Dallas return unit in the up position, expecting an onside; Philly failed to notice this. The football gods chortled.

According to the official Game Book, Williams ran the ball 37 yards in three seconds. That's the equivalent of a 3.2 time in the 40-yard dash.

Revenge of the Chicks, Part Two: Reader Amy Botello of New York City has conducted an incredibly scientifically advanced of cheesecake and beefcake in Tuesday Morning Quarterback columns this season and found, "So far your stud-to-hot-chick ratio is 3-to-16. And I have to say even though that was a great display of abs and pecs, Terrell Owens is soooooo obnoxious he can't be considered truly yummy, so it's really a 1-to-8 ratio. Not good." She protests in haiku,

Where is the beefcake,
what about the promised studs?
Eye-candy for all!

-- Amy Botello, New York

Brad Pitt
Amy, this is for you.

Amy requests shirtless poses of "Brad Pitt, Matt Damon or Ashton Kutcher, not the aging Harrison Ford or Sean Connery. For every Britney, give us a Justin." Amy, I'd trade you Britney for Justin, just to get rid of Britney! At any rate, your wish is my command -- here's your beefcake.

Best Blocks: All highlight reels showed Miami QB Jay Fiedler cleaning the clock of Arleigh Burke-class Jax DE Tony Brackens on the Ricky Williams reversed-field run that was the Marine Mammals' initial touchdown. TMQ counted one-thousand one, one-thousand two, one-thousand three, one-thousand four, one-thousand five, one-thousand six on Steve McNair's first touchdown pass to Derrick Mason; one-thousand one, one-thousand two, one-thousand three, one-thousand four, one-thousand five on McNair's second TD to the same gentleman. On Mack Strong's 21-yard touchdown run for the Blue Men Group, blocking was magnificent, especially by guard Steve Hutchinson. It's pretty fun to run when everyone in your path has already been knocked to the ground.

Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed At All: Trailing 13-7, the Raiders faced third-and-1 on the Cleveland 24 with 33 seconds left, holding a timeout. Pass incomplete, pass incomplete, game over.

Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed At All No. 2: Last December the Dolphins' season crashed and burned when they went incompletion, incompletion, incompletion on their final possession at New England, rather than running into the line for no gain and keeping the clock moving; the Patriots tied the score with mere ticks to spare, and won in overtime. This season, TMQ continues to feel spooked that the Marine Mammals are not simply handing the ball to Williams in clock-grinding situations. Leading 17-10 at Jax, Miami threw incomplete on third down on each of its last two possessions, twice stopping the clock and leaving 2:18 for the Jaguars' last-ditch attempt from their own 21. Had Miami simply run into the line for no gain on both snaps, Jacksonville's last-ditch attempt would have begun with the clock nearly drained.

The Hulk
Amy, does a shirtless, computerized Hulk count as beefcake? (See, we could have taken the sleazy route and ran a partially nude Jennifer Connelly.)

Moviegoers Learned Why Producers Took the Word "Incredible" Out of "The Hulk": Disclaimers for "The Hulk" warned of "partial nudity." What is "partial" nudity -- aren't you either naked or not? Mega-babe Jennifer Connelly is the one who was partially naked in the movie. TMQ would have preferred to pay $8 just to look at her, with the rest of the movie deleted.

The concept of "partial nudity" recalls the Department of Agriculture concept of the "partial whole" strawberry. According to this USDA manual for grading strawberries, "a partial strawberry is a berry in whole style that is less than three-fourths of a whole strawberry." This means some shipments of strawberries are labeled "contains partial whole strawberries."

Worst Blocks: The extremely overpriced Potomac Drainage Basin offensive line -- three of the highest-paid linemen in the league, and most sacks allowed in the league -- gave up four sacks to Simeon Rice alone. On one play, extremely overpaid tackle Chris Samuels turned inside to double-team the rarely-sacks Warren Sapp, leaving only a tight end to block Rice, who blew in for the sack. On another play, extremely overpaid tackle Jon Jansen turned inward to help extremely overpaid guard Randy Thomas double-team rarely-sacks Anthony McFarland, leaving only a running back to block Rice, who blew in for the sack.

The Football Gods Promised An Investigation: I don't wish to alarm you, but not only are the Dallas Cowboys third overall in offense, they are third overall in defense.

TMQ, Grammar Snob: Amtrak advertising for the new Acela train boasts "faster travel times." Time is a means of measurement, neither "fast" nor "slow." Trains can be slower or faster, trips can be shortened or lengthened, but times cannot be faster, no matter how flashy Acela looks.

Amtrak
If you read TMQ on the Acela, would it mean you finish it faster?

Exception: Einstein showed that at very high velocities, time passes more slowly from the perspective of the fast-moving observer. This sort of thing doesn't apply to Amtrak, which presumably does not reach relativistic speed. Outrunning bicyclists is normally Amtrak's velocity goal.

The Bank of America branch near the Official Office of TMQ, in downtown Washington, D.C., has a giant banner in the window reading, LONGER HOURS. Longer than 60 minutes?

Any Physics Post-Doc Who Inadvertently Destroys the Universe Will Receive an Incomplete for the Course: Relativistic effects are rarely observed outside the particle accelerators found in physics labs. Sir Martin Rees, the noted British astronomer, declares in his new doomsday book "Our Final Hour" that it might be possible for an error at a particle accelerator to destroy the entire universe by converting all 50 billion galaxies into a single, minutely small "strangelet." Alternatively, Rees writes, an accelerator experiment might inadvertently create a zone of the mysterious nothing-anything condition that existed before the Big Bang: the inadvertently created not-anything would spread outward at the speed of light, eventually deleting the entire cosmos. A minor accelerator error, Reese muses, might merely convert the Earth into "an inert hyperdense sphere a hundred meters across."

Best Clocking-Grinding Drive: Leading the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons 14-13, the defending champion Bucs took over on their own 9 late in the third quarter. Tampa held the ball for 12 plays, scoring for a 21-13 lead and grinding so much clock the Persons were forced to go pass-wacky, to their woe.

Best Nine-Straight-Passes Drive: Trailing by a touchdown with three minutes left, the Lucky Charms got the ball on their own 9. They moved to the tying touchdown, Peyton Manning to Reggie Wayne with 25 seconds remaining, improbably passing on nine consecutive snaps.

Best Nine-Straight-Runs Drive: Trailing by three, Kansas City took over the ball with 2:43 remaining in regulation. For the remainder of the contest, won in overtime by Kansas City coming back from a 31-14 deficit, the Chiefs ran 22 offensive plays to one for Green Bay. What changed? The Chiefs switched to the run -- the last thing you'd expect from a team trailing late on the road. To the moment Kansas City took over with 2:43 in regulation, the Chiefs had more points (31) than rushing yards (30). Nevertheless they ran several times on the tying drive. Getting the ball on their own 29 to start overtime, Kansas City ran Priest Holmes on nine consecutive downs, moving the ball to the Green Bay 30. Next came an exchange of turnovers. The Chiefs' field-goal attempt was blocked, then the Packers fumbled the ball back; Trent Green threw the winning touchdown strike on the next play. The nine-straight-runs drive put the overtime into Kansas City's control.

Shorna
Shorna loves talking forestry with Peyton Manning in her spare time.

Assistant Professor Cheerleader of the Week: Speaking of the blue-hot Colts, many readers, including Stephen Terry of the Plasma Physics Laboratory at Princeton University, have pointed out that one of the Indianapolis cheer-babes is Shorna Broussard, an assistant professor of forestry and natural resources at Purdue University. According to the Colts' cheerleader profile -- which dryly notes, "occupation: professor" -- Broussard's most recently read book is, "Wilderness and the American Mind." This is slightly north of the "Who Moved My Cheese?" titles that dominate cheerleader reading lists.

This Associated Press article dryly declares of the Colts cheer-babes, "Broussard is the only assistant professor on the squad." The article further explanations that Broussard tried out for the Colts' cheerleaders because she had been taking dance classes since childhood, and wanted a hobby that was different from teaching natural-resource management. Broussard told the Associated Press she "is interested in the political aspects of environmental policy." Shorna, I've written a book about environmental policy, so maybe you and I could ... oh, forget it.

Disturbing sidelight: they're reading Tuesday Morning Quarterback in the Princeton Plasma Physics Laboratory. They're gawking at cheer-babe pictures at the Princeton Plasma Physics Laboratory. Please be sure to keep an eye on the dials of the particle accelerators, OK?

Programming Outrage of the Week: Undefeated Carolina at undefeated Indianapolis, the last pairing of unbeatens in the 2003 season! (Unless you believe Kansas City and Minnesota can both be 15-0 when they meet Dec. 20.) So did New York City, largest city in the nation, see this monster game? New York did not. Did Los Angeles, second-largest city in our great nation, see this monster game? Los Angeles did not. Did Chicago, third-largest city, see this monster game? Chicago did not. Did Washington, capital of our great nation, see this monster game? Washington did not. The list goes on in awful detail.

Did Fox, which had the call, even feature Carolina at Indianapolis as its game of the week? Fox did not. Fox sent its lead announcer team to the Bucs at Persons collision, combined record 5-4, which it beamed to most of the country rather than Panthers at Colts, combined record 9-0. Bucs at Persons turned out to be a snorefest, Panthers at Colts an overtime thriller; no, there's no way to know in advance which games will be good, but combined record is the best leading indictor. Last week, CBS had a chance to show two undefeateds, Denver at Kansas City, and instead chose a lesser game as its nationally featured contest. This week, Fox passed on what was almost surely the final pairing of undefeateds that will occur in the 2003 season, in order to air a lesser pairing. Ye gods.

Jennifer Connelly
Just because: thought we'd slip in a photo of Jennifer Connelly anyway (although not a partially nude one).

At times, TMQ has promoted the notion that Los Angeles is the best place in the United States to watch the NFL on television because, lacking a home team, City of Angels local affiliates can pick the best games. This Sunday, Los Angeles became the City of Woofers. Instead of Carolina at Indianapolis, combined record 9-0, Los Angeles Fox affiliate KTTV showed Eagles at Cowboys, combined record 5-3. Instead of Kansas City at Green Bay, combined record 8-2, Los Angeles CBS affiliate KBCS showed Oakland at Cleveland, combined record 4-6. Ay caramba.

Many cities did not see Carolina-Indy because the home team was playing at the same time on Fox. Did cities at least see the excellent Kansas City at Green Bay pairing -- another overtime thriller, and which involved no network conflict? Most did not. In Washington, rather than show the excellent Kansas City at Green Bay pairing, to which it had the rights, local CBS affiliate WUSA showed: infomercials! Wait, isn't there a NFL league-promotion spot in which Zach Thomas of the Dolphins declares that if it weren't for pro football we would have to watch infomercials on Sunday? That's what our nation's capital saw on Sunday, infomercials, rather than the Kansas City at Green Bay overtime thriller.

Baltimore beheld the woofer Oakland at Cleveland pairing, combined record 4-6, rather than the excellent Kansas City at Green Bay pairing, combined record 8-2. This is an example of the local affiliates' absurd habit of showing bad divisional games -- the Browns (Release 2.1) are in the same division as Baltimore's Ravens -- rather than the best contests.

Did most major cities see the solid Pittsburgh at Denver pairing, a down-to-the-last-second thriller which came in the 4 p.m. slot and involved no home-team conflict in most locations? Chicago, at least, saw this game. But instead of Pittsburgh-Denver in the late afternoon slot, our nation's capital got the woofer Baltimore at Arizona pairing, combined record 3-6. That's the third Arizona Cardinals game to air in our nation's capital this year. Does WUSA, Washington's CBS affiliate, even know that the Cardinals have been moved out of the NFC East? Only 24,193 people who live in Arizona wanted to see the Cardinals' game, based on attendance; but all of the nation's capital was assumed, by WUSA, to wish to behold this contest. Meanwhile Washington has yet to get its first glimpse of the Panthers, who are not only 5-0 but located 2,000 miles closer than the Cardinals.

I'll spare readers repetition of TMQ's grievance that the NFL stages fabulous games like Carolina at Indianapolis and Kansas City at Green Bay, then elaborately prevents people from seeing the fabulous games. The NFL prevents most Americans from seeing the best games by limiting NFL Sunday Ticket to the satellite monopoly DirecTV: which only 10 percent of American homes get, and huge numbers cannot receive for technical reasons. And I'll spare readers repetition of TMQ's grievance that, while access to the top games is elaborately denied to most Americans owing to the DirecTV monopoly, Canada and Mexico forbid such monopolies; there, anyone can order Sunday Ticket on cable. This means Canadians and Mexicans have far better opportunity to view the NFL than Americans.

Iran football
And we don't mean Iranians are watching this kind of football!

No, I won't repeat those complaints. But I will add -- now even Iran gets better access to NFL games than Americans! Numerous readers including Diana Sophronia of Cyprus have flagged TMQ that Middle East TV, which broadcasts to Iran, Egypt, Turkey and other nations, has a much better track record of picking NFL games than do most U.S. local network affiliates. On Sunday, for example, the Middle East TV pro football doubleheader was Chiefs at Packers followed by Steelers at Broncos . That's a far better Sunday card than was shown in New York, Los Angeles, Washington or most major American cities. Mullahs sipping Arabian coffee in Tehran got better viewing access to NFL games this Sunday than people living in the United States!

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! Leading 24-10 in the third, the Flaming Thumbtacks faced second-and-9, pinned on their own 3. Since the average pass attempt yields about six yards, all the Texans needed to do was played straight defense -- anyway, it's a blitz! A 44-yard completion to Justin McCareins, touchdown two snaps later. The Titans go 98 yards in five plays, and the rout is on.

Yes, the blitz sometimes works -- Dallas blitzed six on the Donovan McNabb fumble that sealed the Cowboys' win, and New Orleans blitzed six to cause the Kordell Stewart fumble that set up a Saints' field goal. My point is that the blitz backfires at least as often as it works. Most of the time, you're better off playing straight defense.

Those Who Fail to Learn From Game Film Are Doomed to Repeat It: For two consecutive columns, TMQ has noted Buffalo's pass-wacky tendency in the Maroon Zone. Three times in Weeks 4 and 5, the Bills faced third-and-1 or third-and-2 on an opponent's 32 or 33. In no instance did they pound, pound for the 90-percent-likely first down. Each time the third down call was a pass; each time (incompletions, fumble, missed field goal) the possession ended without points. Did the Bills coaching staff learn the lesson of the last three failures in this situation, and on Sunday pound, pound in the Maroon Zone situations noted at the column top? Pass attempts on both third and shorts; incompletion, sack.

Want to See Good NFL Games? Move to Iran ... or Portland, Ore.: Reader Alison Fowler of Portland, Ore., reports that the top matchups are usually aired by her local network affiliates. "Portland is not much of a football city, so maybe indifference is the key to getting the good games," Fowler suggests. On Sunday, Portland saw Chiefs at Packers, Steelers at Broncos and Bucs at Persons -- TMQ would have settled for that card in a heartbeat. Fowler also gloats, in haiku, that Portland got the monster Week 5 games that went unseen throughout most of the United States:

City of Roses
saw Broncs-Chiefs, Seahawks-Packers.
No Ticket needed.

-- Alison Fowler, Portland, Ore.

Making Reality TV Worse Was a Big Ratings Success, So Why Doesn't Making the NBA Worse Attract Viewers? Today the San Antonio Spurs are at the White House. Good for them, but the Spurs-Nets NBA Finals was the lowest-rated NBA championship ever in prime-time. The Nielsen mark for the series was just 6.3, terrible for prime time: a top series like "Friends" rates about 15, while NFL Sunday afternoon broadcasts rate around 10. In the last five years alone the "share" -- the percentage of turned-on television sets that are tuned to a particular broadcast -- for the NBA Finals has fallen from 32 percent to 12 percent. Every other denominator of NBA popularity is in free-fall, too. And what is the response of the league? So far as TMQ can tell, the NBA thinks the solution is to dumb the game down even more, chucking out quality and emphasizing hype: though it's the dumbing-down that started the NBA ratings slide.

All this is worth bearing in mind as Maurice Clarett sues to overturn pro football's rule that draftees must be at least 20 years old. If the doors are opened to immature me-me-me players such as Clarett, an inevitable cycle of dumbing-down, declining quality and lost ratings will arrive for the NFL, too.

As this column has pointed out, the drop in NBA popularity coincides with the league's decision to start admitting high-school players en masse. Every year the quality of NBA play goes down, owing to more callow athletes who lack schooling in the fundamentals, who'd rather strut and point at themselves than listen to coaches. Every year, the NBA response is to draft still more high-schoolers and dumb things down further. The NBA thinks fans are too stupid to notice the ongoing decline in pro basketball product quality. Check the ratings: fans have noticed!

The solution for the NBA is to get the high school kids off the court and back into college, which would be good for the sport and good for them personally. As regards the NFL, it is essential that the league fight Clarett with everything it has. Ruin the kid's life if necessary: Clarett's I-don't-care-about-anything-in-the-world-but-me-me-me act begs for a retaliatory strike. Clarett is the carrier of a deadly disease. Keep him out, and prevent the cycle of product-quality decline from coming to pro football, too.

Did I Hallucinate This? On ESPN's Monday Night pregame show, correspondent Chris Mortensen delivered, without a hint of irony, a report saying that in the wake of the Philadelphia loss at Dallas, Eagles players "are beginning to question Donovan McNabb's ability."

Oh Ye Mortals, Trifle Not With the Football Gods: During the offseason, Buffalo DT Pat Williams boasted, "No one will run against the Bills this year." Buffalo is 23rd against the run, and Sunday allowed 118 rushing yards by Jersey/B, which entered the contest as the last-ranked rushing team in the league. During the offseason, Bills coaches, criticized as pass-wacky, promised a commitment to running. After running for just 53 yards against the Jets' 32nd-rated rushing defense, which entered the game surrendering 174 yards per contest, Buffalo now takes over from Jersey/B as last-ranked in rushing.

Wacky Food of the Week: According to this article, trendy New York City eateries have begun to offer grilled chocolate sandwiches: "At the Chickenbone Cafe in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, Zakary Pelaccio grills bittersweet chocolate between slices of rich brioche, creating a density akin to the most elegant cake." Grilled chocolate sandwiches are promoted as a breakfast option.

Volvo
If it's a truck, where's the gun rack?

"Swedish Wagon of the Year" Just Didn't Have the Same Snap: If it weren't SUV-like, I would name the Volvo XC90 the Official Car of TMQ. Why? Volvo is promoting the XC90 as winner of the "North American Truck of the Year" award. The XC90 is neither a truck nor built in North America.

TMQ Insider Exclusive! Tuesday Morning Quarterback has learned on an exclusive basis that Jon "I Was Teenaged Coach" Gruden was asked to leave a Tampa-area Hooters -- Gruden carries a Hooters VIP card http://espn.go.com/page2/s/tmq/030114.html -- when he declared he "was groping for answers to the Bucs' problems." Remember, this is a Tuesday Morning Quarterback exclusive.

Running Items Department

Obscure College Score of the Week: McKendree 59, Iowa Wesleyan 13. Located in Lebanon, Illinois, McKendree's slogan is "Where Quality Matters". Its previous slogan, "Where Quality Doesn't Matter," failed to test-market well.

Bonus Obscure College Score: Northwestern State 87, Southeast Louisiana 27. Northwestern State, which has outscored opponents 146-27 in its last two games, recorded 12 touchdowns, including five on runbacks of interceptions or blocked kicks. Postgame speech of Southeastern Louisiana coach Hal Mumme:

"Well, boys, you held them under 90."

Located in Hammond, Louisiana, Southeastern's slogan is, "We Have A Place for You". So if you can't get into McKendree because of that quality thing, call Southeastern.

Double Bonus Obscure College Score: Edinboro 28, Indiana of Pennsylvania 20. TMQ's favorite obscure team fell from the undefeated ranks as the Indianans of Indiana of Pennsylvania were caught looking ahead to next weekend's monster showdown against California of Pennsylvania. You can listen to the Indiana of Pennsylvania at California of Pennsylvania monster showdown over Web radio here. And really, is there anything more important that you would be doing on Saturday at 3 p.m. Eastern than listening to Indiana of Pennsylvania at California of Pennsylvania?

The Football Gods Guffawed: Since being on the cover of Sports Illustrated, the Oregon Ducks have lost three straight and been outscored 131-43.

New York Times Final-Score Score Once again, the Paper of Guesses goes 0-14 in its quixotic attempt to predict an exact NFL final score, bringing the New York Times Final-Score Score to 1-921 since TMQ began tracking. The goal of 1,000 inaccurate predictions, once just a dream, comes ever-closer to reality for the Multicolored Lady.

Reader Animadversion: Got a complaint or deeply felt grievance? Register it at TMQespn@yahoo.com.

Recently, TMQ proclaimed another immutable law, Clang on First Bars Run on Second. My contention, backed with seemingly airtight stats from games played in Week 3, was that teams that feel they must run on second down after an incomplete pass on first down "might as well tell the refs they are waiving second down and proceeding directly to third-and-10," because a second-down rush after a first-down incompletion is routinely stuffed. Stats from Week 3 showed that runs on second down, following first-down incompletions, averaged less than one yard gained.

Comes now the Football Outsiders website, a wonderful new stats-obsessed site run mainly by sports nut Aaron Schatz. The Football Outsiders crowd has come into possession of some kind of incredibly scientifically advanced database of every conceivable stat from every NFL game. Let's hope this technology does not fall into the wrong hands! Using its database, Football Outsiders scanned every game played in 2002 for rushes on second down following an incompletion on first. The numbers show an overall average of 4.6 yards gained per rush attempt, somewhat higher than the league average for all carries.

So does this disprove TMQ's immutable law? Not necessarily; Football Outsiders also found that 38 percent of second-down rushes following first-down incompletions were stuffed, gaining two yards or less, while only 28 percent of second-down rushes following a completion were stuffed. Of course, the offenses that throw lots of incompletions also tend to be the offenses whose runs are stuffed. At any rate, the Football Outsiders scan of the entire 2002 season seems to support TMQ's contention that a second-down run after a first-down incompletion is a predictable play that often leads to a third-and-10. And readers are advised to keep an eye on Football Outsiders, a stat-lover's paradise.

On the subject of Arnold Schwarzenegger's height -- he calls himself 6-foot-2 but is surely less -- reader Michael Kovaka writes, "A few years ago, I had a locker next to him in the fitness center at the ANA Hotel in Washington, D.C. Both of us were buck naked, thereby ruling out any aid either of us might have received from footwear. Arnold was vastly more buff than I; however, at 6-1, I loomed over his 5-10-or-so frame. Modesty prevents me from making any further physiological comparisons." Michael, if only you had your camera-equipped cell phone at the ready, TMQ could now be satisfying the beefcake-demanding chick reader faction.

Last Week's Challenge: How does one become a "celebrity chef?" TMQ asked readers to pose a test.

Nicholas Scrivani of Downers Grove, Illinois, proposed that "to become a celebrity chef, one must learn how to cook and marinade everything with Cristal Champagne. Every celebrity I have ever seen on MTV Cribs has Cristal stocked in the refrigerator."

Three readers proposed tests in haiku:

Celebrity chef?
Create disgusting entrée,
get people to pay.

-- David Bouchillon

Lighting food on fire;
keeping hair-piece free of flame;
knowing fowl from fare.

-- Sam Pfeifle, Portland, Maine

Celebrity chefs
have but one prerequisite:
a zany accent.

-- Jeff Marion, Eugene, Oregon

Tim of Minneapolis supposed, "To become a celebrity chef, you must cook something that Calista Flockhart would eat." But there is no such thing!

Many readers proposed that that making food for, or perhaps waking up next to, Paris Hilton would cause one to graduate to celebrity chef. One reader haiku-ized,

Paris Hilton
Is Brian Urlacher ready to pop out of one of the cakes?

Celebrity chef:
one who has prepared breakfast
for Paris Hilton.

-- Shayan Hussain, Chicago

Check this brief bio of Hilton at the Ask Men website; it calls her a "high-society party girl, part-time model and quasi-actress." Quasi-acting -- isn't that how you become wealthy in Hollywood?

Reader Jean-Pierre Gagick of Paris, France, wins this Challenge by declaring that to become a celebrity chef, one must do a turn in the kitchen of the Hotel les Mouflons in southern France. Previously featured in TMQ, the Hotel les Mouflons -- "hotel of sheep" -- is the official resort hotel of the St. Louis Rams, known to this column as Les Mouflons. According to the Babel Fish automated translator, the first paragraph at the center of the Hotel les Mouflons web page declares,

At the exit of the medieval citè of Besse in Chandesse, at five minutes of Super Besse and its ski pistes, you will be able to combine the pleasure of the old stones and inheritance with that of the great extents and the sport.

The pleasures of the old stones! Can't wait. Again according to Babel Fish, the hotel also promises,

The truffade, the trout and beef de Salers are here the specialities, declined on several simple receipts and of quality. We also propose a chart to you where gastronomy and soil will be accompanied by best believed.

Only a celebrity chef could prepare trout declined on simple recipes, so the Hotel les Mouflons must be the place.

This Week's Challenge: "Partial nudity" makes no sense -- you're either starkers or you are not. What other phrases, in everyday usage, make no sense? Submit your witty proposal to TMQespn@yahoo.com.

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 4:27 PM

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TV policy causes TMQ more pain
By Gregg Easterbrook
Page 2 columnist

The hottest four minutes of football this season was on national TV for anyone to see -- not that anyone did, all right-thinking people having switched off Monday Night Football last night when it was Tampa 35, Indianapolis 14 with four minutes remaining. Heidi was still watching! Special Colts' comeback analysis below.

But though the best moment was out there for all to see, NFL Week 5 otherwise was an all-time low for bad network choices. Two marquee games highlighted the Sunday card: undefeated Seahawks at Green Bay, and undefeated Broncos at undefeated Chiefs.

So New York City, our nation's largest metropolis, the greatest city in the world, must have seen these monster games? New York City saw neither.

Washington, D.C., our nation's capital, must have seen these monster games? Washington saw neither.

Los Angeles, our nation's second-largest city, must have seen these monster games? Los Angeles saw Hawks-Packers, but not Broncos-Chiefs.

Chicago, city of Big Shoulders, third-largest city in the nation, must have seen these monster games? Chicago saw neither.

Houston, fourth-largest city in the nation, and Dallas, ninth-largest city in the nation, must have seen these monster games? Houston and Dallas saw neither.

Let's see: two undefeated teams or ... the Jets!

Fast-growing Phoenix, seventh-largest city, must have seen these monster games? Phoenix saw neither.

While Fox showed about half the country the Blue Men Group at Packers, much of the rest of the nation was forced to endure the woofer Arizona-at-Dallas pairing (combined record 3-4 before Sunday). Washington, DC, was among the victims of Arizona at Dallas, while Baltimore was also hit, reader Marc Nelson Jr. writes.

The Southwest, reader Zach of Scottsdale writes, saw Arizona vs. Dallas, San Diego vs. Jax and Detroit vs. San Francisco -- teams with a combined record of 4-18 going into Sunday.

CBS showed much of the country the Dolphins-at-Jersey/A game, not a bad pairing (combined record 4-2) but one that paled in comparison to Broncos at Chiefs (combined record 8-0) and paled further when considering that Kansas City is so far the season's most entertaining team. CBS even put the Dolphins-Giants game in HDTV and sent its number-one announcing team, Greg Gumble and Phil Simms, to New Jersey rather than to Arrowhead. That is to say, CBS passed on a battle of undefeateds in order to show a lesser pairing.

This season, the Washington area, where TMQ lurks, has witnessed every tedious snap of every tedious Cowboys game -- and Washington hates Dallas! -- plus every tedious snap of every tedious game of the winless Jets, while still getting no glimpse of the Seahawks or Panthers (combined record now 7-1) and just one look each at the Chiefs and Vikings (combined record 10-0). Other major cities have been similarly afflicted with bad pairing after bad pairing, while monster games go unseen.

It continues to amaze Tuesday Morning Quarterback how the NFL spends billions of dollars to field a high-quality product, then prevents viewers from actually seeing the games. This doesn't even make economic sense: Surely the propensity for showing woofer games when great games are available drives down ratings, and hence drives down advertising revenue.

And, as Tuesday Morning Quarterback may possibly have mentioned, the solution to the problem of local affiliates airing woofer games -- NFL Sunday Ticket, which allows viewers to pay $209 per season to watch any contest -- continues to be available strictly on a monopoly basis to subscribers of DirecTV, the satellite service. Only about 10 percent of American households subscribe to DirecTV; many millions of American households cannot receive the DirecTV signal for technical reasons, regardless of willingness to pay. (TMQ keeps a running count: Of those people I personally know who have tried to subscribe to DirecTV, three have been able to get the signal and eight found it impossible to sign up, including yours truly.) Bad pairings air on free TV; the best games are often shown only via a monopoly service that 90 percent of Americans can't or don't get.

The Sunday Ticket part seems like total lunacy until you take into account that DirecTV is in the process of being sold to Rupert Murdoch, who thrives on establishing media cartels. Murdoch is paying the league about $400 million a year to maintain this particular monopoly. So the NFL gets many dineros, and Murdoch adds a monopoly to his portfolio. But with all the talk of Congress being opposed to media consolidation, TMQ continues to wonder why Congress doesn't investigate the DirecTV monopoly over Sunday Ticket. The primary effect of the NFL's deal with the DirecTV devil is, after all, to shaft American taxpayers whose tax monies make NFL stadiums and profits possible.

"Peyton, who says we can't win a big one!"

Now, because of the Colts' comeback, there is another battle of the undefeateds this weekend -- Panthers at Indianapolis. Please, please tell me the local affiliates won't screw up yet again and not show this monster collision. Only one other battle of undefeateds is possible in the 2003 season: The Chiefs meet the Vikings on the Sunday before Christmas, but odds are both will not be 15-0 at kickoff. (Actually the Colts or Chiefs might meet the Panthers or Vikings in the Super Bowl and both might be 18-0; but if you think that can happen, you think the Cubs and Red Sox could meet in the World Series!) Undefeated Panthers at undefeated Colts. Affiliates, don't screw up again; show this game.

In other football news, despite their struggles this year -- a combined record of 1-9 -- Dan Reeves and Marty Schottenheimer are the league's winningest active coaches, with a total of 365 career victories. They have also been fired a combined five times, and may both be shown the door at year's end. It's the coaches who have never been fired that TMQ worries about.

Special Lucky Charms Comeback Analysis: Key point: The Bucs did not switch to a prevent defense Monday night, as sports nuts have been assuming this morning. During the final, fateful four minutes of regulation, the defending champs had their corners play soft. Otherwise, it was conventional defense, including two blitzes.

Maybe Tampa should have switched to the prevent, because on the comeback's killer snap -- Peyton Manning to Marvin Harrison for 52 yards to the Tampa 6 with 57 seconds left, setting up the tying touchdown -- Harrison was able to get behind the Tampa secondary. There's a minute left. The Colts are on their side of the field. They have no time outs. Where, oh where, oh where might the pass go? Maybe toward the end zone!

Yet Harrison blew by corner Tim Wansley, who made no attempt to cover him deep. The play didn't involve complex action, just a standard "up" -- Harrison ran a straight line toward the Tampa goal. Wansley, inexplicably, was busy making the high-school mistake of "looking into the backfield," watching Manning instead of watching his man. The Tampa safety on that side, Jermaine Phillips, paid no attention whatsoever to Harrison as he roared deep. Harrison only had an all-time-record 143 receptions last season; why would you think the Colts might throw to him? And Phillips ignored Harrison going deep, despite the fact that Wansley, the corner on that side, was a sub for an injured starter. Harrison was a good 10 yards past Phillips before this gentlemen started chasing him.

How is it physically possible, in a must-go-deep situation, to get behind an NFL zone defense? Here's how: if the corner and the safety both ignore the other team's best receiver. Ye gods.

Wait, Vanderjagt's jersey isn't properly tucked in! Where's the flag?!?!

Also key to the comeback: Indianapolis propitiated the football gods by running when Tampa expected passes. The Colts ran on fourth-and-one with 3:43 left, trailing by 21, and got a touchdown. Poised at the Tampa 6 with 57 seconds remaining and no time outs, the Colts ran on consecutive snaps and got a touchdown. The football gods smile on those who keep their heads and run while all others around them are losing their heads and going pass-wacky.

The Bucs, for example! Getting the kickoff to start overtime, Tampa had its chance to take back the momentum of the game by pounding straight at the surely-tired visitors. Instead, Tampa coaches called passes on seven of the Bucs' nine snaps. The defending champs punted and never saw the ball again.

TMQ agrees that the leaping call against City of Tampa, giving the Colts another field-goal try after a miss in overtime, was ticky-tacky at best. The boys should decide the outcome, not the officials. It was well after midnight, and you could tell the officials just wanted to go home. Handing Indianapolis another free shot, in hopes of calling it a night, made the zebras look bad.

But, Tampa faithful, get serious. You've got a 21-point lead with less than four minutes left, in your house, and the league's top defense. If you can't hold that lead, do not coming cryin' about no refs.

And bear in mind the two personal fouls committed by Tampa players in the final three minutes of regulation. Offensive tackle Kenyatta Walker childishly went after a Colt after the whistle; defensive tackle Warren Sapp carelessly roughed Manning after a pass was away. Both these penalties stopped the clock, preserving precious seconds for the Colts' comeback; and both had huge impacts on field position, one forcing a Tampa punt, the other moving the Colts out of a hole in their own territory when it looked like they were beaten.

The Bucs, especially Sapp, have done a lot of dancing, taunting and pointing at themselves since the start of the season. Last night, the football gods exacted vengeance. If you commit stupid personal fouls with the game on the line, do not coming cryin' about no refs.

And you thought Dante Hall was the best-looking thing on the Chiefs.

Cheerleader of the Week: TMQ always approves when an NFL cheer-squad adopts the skimpy-outfit look, and the latest to do so are the cheerleaders of the Kansas City Chiefs -- whose skimpy-outfit appearance Sunday in the battle of the undefeateds went unseen by most of the country, exactly as the Chiefs themselves were unseen.

This week's TMQ ESPN Cheerleader of the Week is Kim of Kansas City, a college student majoring in criminal justice. Kim, cuff me! Kim plays golf and tennis regularly, and says the person she would most like to meet is Garcia Burnham, the missionary who was held captive in the Philipine jungle. Kim attended Raymor-Peculiar High School, which must be the butt of unlimited jokes.

Stat of the Week: Since losing 41-0 in last year's playoffs, Indianapolis has won five straight and outscored opponents 158-82.

Stat of the Week No. 2: In their last two trips to Pittsburgh, the Cleveland Browns (Release 2.1) have jumped to a combined 30-3 lead.

Stat of the Week No. 3: Jamal Lewis was held to no yards rushing. (The Ravens had a bye.)

Stat of the Week No. 4: Carolina's Stephen Davis has more yards rushing (565) than the entire Panthers team has passing (499).

Stat of the Week No. 5: The Cardinals had more punts and penalties (11) than first downs (9).

Of course, TMQ couldn't actually see Hall's return as it happened.

Stat of the Week No. 6: Dante Hall of Kansas City now has four kick-return touchdowns in five games -- tying the NFL season record set in 16 games. (But why has the sports-announcer world not pointed out that Hall benefited from an obvious clipping no-call just as he broke away for Sunday's 93-yard score?)

Stat of the Week No. 7: Buffalo now has the most overtime wins in league history, 17.

Stat of the Week No. 8: The Chiefs, Dolphins, Panthers, Patriots and Vikings won by a combined 41 points, despite being outgained by a combined 442 yards.

Stat of the Week No. 9: The Cowboys and Dolphins are 4-0 in Giants Stadium this season; Jersey/A and Jersey/B, the stadium's tenants, are 1-4 there.

Stat of the Week No. 10: Stretching back to 2002, San Diego has followed a 6-1 run with a 2-12 run.

Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed At All: Trailing the Cleveland Browns (Release 2.1) 23-10 early in the third period, the Steelers faced third-and-one on the Cleveland 32. The home crowd was roaring at military-afterburner decibels; Pittsburgh staged a big comeback against the Browns the last time the teams met; there was almost a full half remaining in the game. Plus, this is the part of the field where logic dictates that you go for it on fourth down. So did the Steelers pound, pound for the almost-certain first?

You know what they did.

TMQ's reaction: "aaaiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Tommy Maddox dropped back to pass, and it wasn't a 1960s-Packers-style attempt to hit the home run; no, some guys ran quick dodge routes designed for short gains. The Pittsburgh Steelers, playing at home, thought they had to throw a short junky pass because they could not run for one single yard against the team that just allowed Jamal Lewis the NFL's best-ever rushing day. Ye gods. That the pass was intercepted and returned for a Browns' touchdown, breaking open the game, was the direct intervention of the football gods: This pass-wacky moment could not have gone unpunished.

Sweet Play of the Week: With the unseen battle of the undefeateds scoreless in Kansas City, Denver took over on first-and-10 at its own 20. Receiver Rod Smith took the end-around running right, then threw a pass 30 yards in the air to tailback Clinton Portis; Portis went 72 yards, setting up the game's first touchdown. Downfield blocking was superb. TMQ cannot explain why, but trick plays seem to work best if they come on the first snap of a possession.

Sweet Play of the Week No. 2: Play-faking against Denver in the unseen battle of the undefeateds, Kansas City QB Trent Green "crouch"-faked -- bent his body over to hide the ball -- then hit Johnnie Morton for a 28-yard touchdown. Crouch fakes are often effective, yet few pro QBs are coached to crouch-fake. The crouch-fake is always in style in Kansas City, though; the previous QB, Elvis Grbac, used to execute this play well under the previous coach, Gunther Cunningham.

James McKnight had 68 yards on one carry while Ricky Williams had 39 yards on 22 carries.

Sweet Play of the Week No. 3: Miami's James McKnight took a reverse from Ricky Williams and went 68 yards behind fabulous downfield blocking from the Marine Mammals receiver corps. This play is worth watching over again just for the sight of half the Jersey/A defense continuing to chase Williams long after he has surrendered the ball.

Sweet Blocks of the Week: Jax's Fred Taylor got fabulous blocking from the Jaguar OL as he went 60 yards to the house with a screen pass to give the team a winning margin against San Diego. It's always nice to run when everyone in your path has already been knocked on the ground.

Sour Sequence of the Week: Trailing Dallas 20-7 in the middle of the third quarter, the Arizona (caution: may contain football-like substance) Cardinals faced third-and-14 from their own 1-yard line. Nothing gets defensive linemen excited more than the chance for a safety. Cards QB Jeff Blake dropped 10 yards back, almost to the end-zone line, before being taken down for the safety by Cowboy lineman La'Roi Glover. On their next possession, the Cardinals faced third-and-10 from their own 1-yard line. Did Arizona learn a lesson? No. Blake dropped all the way to the end-zone line, where he was pushed out for another safety by Cowboy lineman Kenyon Coleman.

Safety Sidelight No. 1. How did Arizona get stuck on its own 1 twice in a row? The fiasco sequence began when rookie Anquan Boldin signaled a fair catch on his 5-yard line. Punt returners are taught never to touch the ball inside their own 10. By calling fair catch at the 5, Boldin only insured that the ball did not roll into the end zone for a touchback.

Safety Sidelight No. 2. Minnesota also recorded two safeties Sunday, both when Atlanta committed penalties (grounding and holding) from its own end zone.

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! Game tied at 21, Oakland had Chicago facing second-and-20 on its own 40-yard line with 15 seconds left in regulation. Since the typical NFL pass attempt yields about six yards, and the Bears held only one time-out, all the Raiders had to do is play straight defense and the odds strongly favored overtime. Instead, it's a blitz! Six gentlemen cross the line, including a cornerback. Twenty-nine yard completion to Dez White, who went through the area vacated by the blitzing corner. Bears field goal to win on the final play.

Sidelight: Two plays before, Chicago faced fourth-and-one at midfield with 45 seconds left. Rather than play it safe and punt -- playing it safe doesn't make much sense for an 0-3 team, but six-nines of NFL coaches (that's 99.9999 percent) would punt in this situation -- the Bears went for it, setting up the fantastic finish. The football gods may smile on this display of manly manhood.

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! No. 2: San Francisco leading Detroit 17-3, the Niners had the Peugeots facing third-and-five at the San Francisco 6-yard line. Since the closer you get to the end zone, the less territory the defense must defend, odds favored San Francisco if they played straight defense. Instead, it's a blitz! Six gentlemen cross the line, touchdown pass to Mikhael Ricks.

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! No. 3: New England 7, Tennessee 6 late in the second quarter, the Flaming Thumbtacks faced third-and-10 at the Patriots' 44. Since the average pass attempt yields about six yards, all the Patriots needed to do was play straight defense, and the odds favored a stop. Instead, it's a blitz! Seven gentlemen cross the line, including a safety; Steve McNair completes a 43-yard pass to the New England 1; Tennessee scores for the lead at the half.

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! No. 4: Leading 16-13 with 3:31 left in regulation, the Cincinnati Fudgsicles had Buffalo facing third-and-11 on its own 40. Since the average pass attempt yields about six yards, all the Fudgsicles needed was to play straight defense, and the odds favored a stop. Instead, it's a blitz! Six gentlemen cross the line; 14-yard completion for the first; the Bills tie the game with 28 seconds left, and win in overtime.

Ahh, nothing like seeing federal power employed to preserve an offensive racial stereotype.

On the Plus Side, This Insures TMQ Can Keep Calling Them the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons: Things went well for Lord Voldemort (Dan Synder) last week. While the football world focused on Rush Limbaugh -- maybe, possibly, you heard something about that -- attention was distracted from what otherwise would have been a big story: a federal judge's inexplicable ruling that the name "R*dsk*ns" has not been shown to be disparaging to native groups.

U.S. District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly tossed out a Patent and Trademark Office finding that the name is offensive, sending the case back down for yet more consideration. Kollar-Kotelly inexplicably said it was unclear whether linguists considered "R*dsk*ns" disparaging. ("Offensive slang:" American Heritage Dictionary.) Kollar-Kotelly also declared that the Patent and Trademark Office should not have relied on a random poll of 300 American Indians, most of whom objected to the term; Kollar-Kotelly said survey results cannot be extrapolated to the population as a whole. Reader Jason Grady notes, "Apparently, the judge has never taken a statistics course. The fundamental rule is that if a population sample is random, it is indicative of the population as a whole." Judge, what was the Patent and Trademark Office supposed to do -- call up every American Indian in the United States? Anyway, some wouldn't come to the phone because they're busy watching a "R*dsk*ns" game.

Had it not been for the Rush razzle, editorialists might have focused on this decision, in which federal power is employed to preserve an offensive racial stereotype. Say what you will about Rush, he was speaking off the cuff; Kollar-Kotelly had weeks to ponder her decision.

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! (College Edition): Many readers, including Chris Lordan, pointed out that West Virginia had No. 2 Miami facing fourth-and-13 deep in its own territory, trailing, with a minute left. Since the average pass attempt yields about six yards, all the Mountaineers needed was to play straight defense -- what they'd done well most of the night -- and the odds favored victory. Instead, it's a blitz! Six collegiate gentlemen cross the line, completion for the first down, Miami goes on to kick a game-winning field goal with 10 seconds left. Ay caramba.

Wacky Food of the Week: According to this scary article, the latest "in" dish at Manhattan's most expensive super-restaurants is -- fat. The hip, $100-a-head restaurant WD-50, is serving "the best high-end pork belly in town, with turnips and spicy-sweet gingerbread-inspired garnish." The best pork belly in town! And not just any old pork belly but "high-end" pork belly. According to the scary article, the dish consists of a large slab of fat. "Celebrity chef Wylie Dufresne" becomes upset if diners do not finish the slab of fat.

No matter how you dress the pork belly up, it's still just a piece of fat.

Meanwhile, Manhattan's high-fashion Le Cirque 2000 now serves "lardo." Lardo is pure pork fat, though at Le Cirque 2000 it is "shaved into thin slices and draped on warm toast." The ultra-trendy Jean-George's 66 of downtown Manhattan is offering "lacquered pork, a blatantly fatty dish napped in a sickly-sweet marmalade." Yum -- fat in sickly-sweet marmalade! Jeeves, ring up Bertie Wooster and we'll head over to Jean-Georges.

All this may sound like some "Magic Christian"-class parody of the absurd things the rich can be tricked into. But men and women are entering New York City restaurants and, of their own free will, paying top dollar to swallow slabs of fat. When will sautéed coffee grounds and deep-fried post-consumer paperboard become status foods?

TMQ won't even pause to point out that pure fat is awful for your health, or that pork belly traditionally has been cheap because no one who has any choice in the matter wants to eat it. The African-American playwright August Wilson once gave a moving speech about how, through history, blacks have gotten only the fat of the pig while whites dined on the ham. Attention August Wilson! The role reversal you dreamed of has come to pass. Head on over to Le Cirque, order healthful grilled fish and have a good chortle as rich white idiots wolf down slabs of fat.

TMQ Thought for the Day: How exactly does one become a "celebrity chef" -- by joining the National Association of Celebrity Chefs?

There Was a Time When Being Propositioned Was a Good Thing: California is about to elect a new governor who will serve six months before himself being recalled; state law specifies a minimum of six months between recalls. Also on the ballot is one of the state's infamous plebiscites, Proposition 53, which concerns fiscal policy. Other propositions were proposed for the ballot, but a judge ruled that only one could appear. Here is a list of propositions that will have to appear on a future California ballot:

Proposition 20. Requires that all motion pictures produced within the borders of California must open with a "tracking shot," in which the camera moves along as if the viewer were walking or driving. Critics have protested that Proposition 20 is unnecessary because all motion pictures produced within the borders of California already open with a "tracking shot."

If you lived in California, would you vote in mud wrestling as the state's official sport?

Proposition 92. Makes mud-wrestling the official sport of the state of California; grants Rupert Murdoch's DirecTV a monopoly over mud-wrestling broadcasts.

Proposition 38. Mandates that all California state employees be paid in bags of salt, as Roman soldiers once were.

Proposition 6. Requires that all future California gubernatorial candidates speak in a foreign accent.

Proposition 109. Makes survival of the fittest the law on all California freeways.

Where Was the Defense? Trailing by eight, the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons faced first-and-10 on the Eagles' 32 with 19 seconds to go. The Persons' sole hope was to score, and they held just one time out. So where, oh where, oh where might the pass go? Maybe toward the end zone! Yet Person WR Darnerien McCants got behind the entire Philadelphia secondary on an "up" route -- three gentlemen watched him go by -- for the touchdown that set up the last-second almost-comeback. How can any receiver ever get behind a defense in this situation?

What Did Jim Fassel Do In a Previous Life to Deserve This? Jersey/A suffered yet another kicking fiasco as its second starting placekicker this year went out injured, and punter Jeff Feagles hooted a short field-goal attempt.

The Football Gods Have Promised An Investigation: You may find this hard to believe -- TMQ certainly does -- but the Dallas Cowboys have the No. 1 offense in the NFL.

Dallas offensive coordinator Maurice Carthon has installed what looks like a college offense: lots of roll-outs and bootlegs, receivers dragging back across the action, basic one-man routes for deep routes. Carthon has designed the passing plays so that the formerly-erratic quarterback Quincy Carter has a simple three-step progression. Carter looks at his primary receiver, who usually is directly in front of him on the roll-out; if the primary receiver isn't open he looks at his secondary receiver; if the secondary receiver isn't open, Carter takes off running.

From the book of "TMQ didn't predict this in August": Quincy Carter quarterbacks the NFL's leading offense.

There's no standing there scanning the field, looking for a mistake to make: On every play, Carter knows where he is supposed to look and goes through the same three-step progression. This is the way college quarterbacks are coached, and Carter is responding well to it. Why don't other NFL teams try the approach?

Meanwhile, the Dallas offensive line, which had a terrible season run-blocking last year -- 16 percent of runs lost yardage, worst in the league -- is blocking well. TMQ would like to know what kind of vitamins they are taking.

Note to NFL coaches: Time to stop considering Dallas the automatic win on the schedule.

The Football Gods Chortled: The Steelers faced fourth-and-two on the Browns' 38, trailing 16-3. This is the part of the field where logic dictates that you go for it. Pittsburgh lined up, and Tommy Maddox used a "hard count" to try to get the Browns to jump offsides. The hard count made the Steelers jump offsides. Pushed back to fourth-and-seven, Pittsburgh punted and a scoring opportunity was lost.

Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed At All No. 2: As TMQ noted last week, Buffalo doomed itself against Philadelphia by passing too much on short yardage at home -- specifically, twice reaching third-and-short at the Eagles' 32, the part of the field where logic usually dictates going for it, and passing instead of just pounding the ball, both times coming away with no points.

Flash forward to Sunday. Buffalo, again at home, leading 3-0 in the second, reaches third-and-four at the Cincinnati 34. Do the Bills learn their lesson and pound, pound? Incompletion, incompletion, turnover on downs. Cascading boos from the home fans, who appear to have spent more time with game film than has Buffalo's pass-wacky offensive staff.

Purist Drive of the Week: Oakland held the ball for 16 plays to drive for a touchdown against Chicago -- and 12 of the snaps were runs.

Purist Drive of the Week No. 2:Trailing Denver 10-7 in the unseen battle of the undefeateds, Kansas City took over on its own 24-yard line in the second quarter. The Chiefs held the ball for 12 plays and moved 70 yards, recording the tying field goal -- and nine of snaps were runs.

Purist Series of the Week: Trailing New England 7-6 at the two-minute mark of the second quarter, the Flaming Thumbtacks reached first-and-goal on the Patriots 1. Did they go pass-wacky? Extra lineman into the game at tight end, pound, pound, touchdown.

Worst Purist Sequence of the Week: Beginning in the second quarter at Green Bay, game still close, the Blue Men Group passed on 11 of 12 plays.

But Since It's the 21st Century, the Bedroom Question Is Who Spanks Whom: Researchers Diana Baumrind and Elizabeth Owens of the University of California at Berkeley concluded after analyzing dozens of psychological studies that occasional spanking is not bad for a child. "We found no evidence for unique detrimental effects of normative physical punishment," Baumrind said. What's really needed is the carefully-researched University of California at Berkeley scientific study that shows that occasional spanking is beneficial for your date/spouse/significant other. Spanking should get out of the nursery and back into the bedroom where it belongs!

The Football Gods Winced: Travis Henry, who fumbled 16 times in 2001 and 2002 -- by far the most fumbles by a non-quarterback -- has already fumbled twice this season despite missing considerable time for injuries. In a terrifying temptation of the football gods, reaching first-and-goal at the Cincinnati 3-yard line in overtime, Buffalo handed off to Henry on consecutive plays.

TMQ predicts teenage boys will love "The Rundown."

The Sequel Will Warn of Adventure Marketing: Though pro-sex, TMQ is anti-violence, and considers the distinction between the two, in entertainment, too self-evident to require much further discussion. Last year, TMQ did a column on ridiculous movie disclaimers that warn of "action violence" or "science fiction violence," as if this were somehow different from "violence." Comes now the movie "The Rundown," whose disclaimer warns of "adventure violence." So it's okay to smash things and shoot people, so long as you're having an adventure!

In full, the disclaimer for "The Rundown" warns of "Action violence and some crude dialogue." Just once, it would be nice to encounter a movie disclaimer warning of "sophisticated dialogue."

"Kurt Warner," Regrettably, Reverts to Kurt Warner: Tuesday Morning Quarterback is now totally convinced that the August northeast power blackout was caused by the muon neutrino backscatter field of a starcruiser departing from the St. Louis Rams training camp to return "Kurt Warner" to his homeworld. The superpowered alien who had been pretending to be "Kurt Warner" is now back on his planet -- a place where the mega-babes have four tentacles and a vestigial proboscis -- while the actual human Kurt Warner is wearing the uniform of Les Mouflons.

How else to account for Warner selfishly demanding a trade during the season, with his team winning? The alien-in-human-form "Kurt Warner" who came from nowhere to win the Super Bowl MVP trophy was humble and team-spirited. The Kurt Warner of today is rapidly becoming a self-centered jerk, obsessed with his own stats and money, forgetting that the NFL is at heart a business -- and whoever is performing, plays.

The Kurt Warner saga could end in this once-lovable guy being tossed out of the league on his rump. Bear in mind that Warner is being pressured to complain by his wife, whom the sports media have begun to call Yoko, owing to her appearance. But behavior matters far more than appearance! TMQ will call her Leona, as in Leona Helmsley.

Since the Chiefs are 5-0, let's give them some more props.

Another Unseen Chiefs Cheerleader: Tara of the red-hot, unseen Kansas City Chiefs is a student at the University of Missouri, majoring in psychology. This means your lines would not work on her!

Weirdly, the Part About the New DARPA Website Is Actually a TMQ Exclusive: Remember the bizarre news of last July, that the Pentagon's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency would sponsor a website at which people could use credit cards to place bets on when the next terror attack would occur? The White House promptly ordered the bizarre project "cancelled." Well, it's baccckkkkkkkk. Check here; the Policy Analysis Market will now debut as a privately managed project in March 2004, and now accept wagers on the "future of the Middle East." Like, giving 10:1 on whether the entire Middle East will be an irradiated wasteland in a generation?

Supposedly, bets placed at the Policy Analysis Market will create useful information about whether people think bad things will happen. But that's like saying the movement of the line on a football game creates useful information about who will win. The line moves to reflect where bettors are willing to place money; the only thing the line tells you is which team bettors are leaning toward. Similarly, the Policy Analysis Market won't create useful information. It will just be a form of legalized gambling.

Turns out such legalized gambling is already in full swing! Check NewsFutures, a "powerful new tool to answer the forecasting and decision support needs of your business, organization, or governmental agency." It's Internet wagering dressed up as information prediction. NewsFutures employs the World News Exchange to allow customers to place bets -- excuse me, to "trade" -- on the outcomes of future events.

Yesterday, for example, there were 47,412 bets registered on whether Arnold Schwarzenegger would win. Bettors bid for contracts that pay $100 if Schwarzenegger wins and nothing if he loses; a rising price indicates bettors believe Arnold will prevail, a falling price a belief he'll lose. Schwarzenegger contracts were trading in the low $40s in early September, and yesterday traded at $83 -- meaning you risk $83 to gain $17 by winning $100 -- so bettors must feel pretty confident about whom the next California governor will be. But that's not "information" in any meaningful sense, except information about how people gamble.

Here, you can legally wager on whether the United States will catch Saddam. Here, you can wager on the Democratic presidential contenders, with Howard Dean trading highest at $45 (you are risking $45 to win $55) and John Edwards trading lowest at $2 (you are risking $2 to win $98, but almost certain to lose your $2).

Similar web sites now offer this legalized gambling on topics like athletic statistics. Brendan Koerner of the New America Foundation discusses the phenomena here. Joyce Berg and Thomas Reitz, two academics, analyze the development of such "predictions markets" here. At any rate, it's all gambling, and TMQ's compromise with his Baptist upbringing is to be pro-topless but anti-gambling.

No, this isn't TMQ's office -- it's a luxury apartment on the Queen Mary.

57 Tons -- That's Almost As Much As Schwarzenegger's Hummer Weighs! The newest U.S. supercarrier, the Ronald Reagan, displaces 78,000 tons. The new ocean liner Queen Mary 2 displaces 150,000 tons -- twice the weight of a Nimitz-class supercarrier. The Queen Mary 2, designed to revive the North Atlantic passenger trade between New York and Southampton (England, not Long Island), has berths for 2,620 people. That's 57 tons of ship per passenger! The 46,000-ton Titanic offered 3,320 berths, or 13 tons per passenger. So the latest luxo-liner packs 44 tons per passenger more ship than the Titanic.

All that added tonnage translates into cabin space, discos, restaurants, exercise rooms, motion-dampers and, of course, a much stronger hull. If you don't believe we are privileged to live in a favored age, just think about an ocean liner that offers 57 tons of ship for each passenger.

Of Course Arnold Has a Platform, and He Stands On It: On the question of whether Arnold Schwarzenegger is really 6-foot-2, as he claims, or much shorter, as those who have met him contend, comes now Frank Easterbrook, an Official Brother of TMQ and a scientifically confirmed 6-4, to report that he once shook hands with AHH-nold at a charity event. Frank's verdict? America's first cybernetic gubernatorial candidate is either 5-9 or 5-10.

Hidden Play of the Week: Hidden plays are ones that aren't flashy, but stop or sustain drives. Miami 10, Giants 7 in the late second quarter, the Marine Mammals faced second-and-10 on the Jersey/A 30. The call was screen left to fullback Rob Konrad; he rumbled 25 yards for a first-and-goal behind fabulous blocking from Jamie Nails and Tim Ruddy. Miami got a field goal just before the end of the half, and controlled the rest of the game.

Running Items Department

Obscure College Score of the Week: Walsh 44, Malone 36 in five overtimes. At the end of regulation, this game was knotted at 20, meaning there were 40 points scored during the three hours of the main game and 40 points scored during the brief flurry of overtimes. Located in Canton, Ohio, the shrine city of football, Malone was founded in 1892 as Cleveland Bible College by Walter and Emma Malone, two Friends -- preferred name of Quakers -- and moved to a larger Canton campus in 1957.

Friends are supposed to be pacifists, although this philosophy did not seem to have much impact on Richard Nixon, raised as an evangelical Quaker by his mother, Hannah, who dreamed Nixon would become a pacifist missionary. The Society of Friends asks members to promote a "Peace Testimony" and specifies, "Quaker practice does not permit the overcoming of some persons by other persons." So Malone has to lose to Walsh; otherwise, its persons would have overcome other persons! Pacifism is a challenging concept to work into a football pregame speech.

Bonus Obscure College Score: Indiana of Pennsylvania 24, Clarion 20. Checking in with TMQ's favorite obscure college team, we find the Indiana of Pennsylvania Indians undefeated at 5-0, aiming toward their annual clash with rival California of Pennsylvania, which will occur this season on Oct. 18. And, yes, IUP's teams continue to be the Indians -- many readers have suggested the school can solve its name problem while maintaining tradition by becoming the Indianans -- though using a bear logo.

While "Indians" is far from an ideal moniker, the term is not inherently derogatory, like "R*dsk*ns."

Obscure College Defeat of the Week: As pointed out by reader Ben Domenech, William & Mary managed to lose without even playing. Hurricane Isabel, which struck hard in the Tidewater region of Virginia on a Thursday, caused William & Mary to cancel its Saturday home date against the University of Maine. Whether the collision really needed to be cancelled was controversial, and Maine was steamed because it traveled to William & Mary despite the conditions, only to be told the host school was bailing. Atlantic 10 conference commissioner Linda Bruno awarded the victory to Maine, while handing William & Mary a "no contest," which counts as an L in the standings.

No contest? That's what Spiro Agnew pleaded after he resigned the vice presidency on corruption charges -- except he had the good taste to say it in Latin. Tuesday Morning Quarterback thinks Bruno should have written down nolo contendere in the official standings. This is, after all, college.

Obscure High School Feat of the Week: David Rosenbaum of Wilson High School in the District of Columbia kicked what may be the longest PAT of all time, a 62-yarder. After a touchdown against Springarn High, Wilson was assessed multiple celebration penalties; the conversion attempt ended up spotted in Wilson territory, at the team's own 48-yard-line; Rosenbaum's try was true. His previous longest kick had been a 27-yard field goal.

New York Times Final-Score Score Once again, the Paper of Guesses goes 0-14 in its quixotic attempt to predict an exact NFL final score, bringing the New York Times Final-Score Score to 1-907 since TMQ began tracking. The goal of 1,000 inaccurate predictions, once just a dream, now comes into view for the Multicolored Lady.

Reader Animadversion: Got a complaint or deeply felt grievance? Register it at TMQespn@yahoo.com.

Many, many readers, including Jarratt Clarke of Lynchburg, Virginia, wrote to note that Jerry Falwell's Liberty University is in his town, not, as TMQ said, in Lynchburg, Tennessee -- where the all-important Jack Daniels whisky distillery is located. One reader, Virginia native Rachel Borek, alluding to Pat Robertson's competing Regent University in Virginia Beach, phrased the matter in haiku:

Geographical
blunder: Liberty haunts the
Old Dominion State.

But on second thought,
Pat Robertson is enough;
Boot Falwell next door!

-- Rachel Borek, White Plains, New York

A Pittsburgh reader was one of many who noted that, while certain prima-donna NFL receivers refuse to block, this is not a problem for Hines Ward:

Wide receiver Ward
could give blocking clinic and
hand Terrell his shorts.

-- Dan Elbarto, Pittsburgh

Reader Jennifer Warzala haiku-ized that although this column is Tuesday Morning Quarterback, it usually does not appear until about 1 p.m. Eastern:

Today is Tuesday.
It's already after noon:
Where is TMQ?

-- Jennifer Warzala, Syracuse, New York

Jennifer, 1 p.m. Eastern is still morning in four of the six time zones of this great nation! The problem is that long before TMQ brought his internationally-known brand to ESPN.com, Page 2 had committed to a daily update at the highly precise "noonish Eastern" -- see the dateline at the top of Page 2. Tuesday Morning Quarterback tends to take a little longer to post, because it's time-consuming to convince all those mega-babes to unbutton their cleavage and mega-hunks to doff their shirts. (Actually, because TMQ is the longest feature on Page 2, requiring the most copy-editing attention and the most illustrations.)

Last Week's Challenge: Playing off the Chicago Bears Presented by Bank One, readers were asked to propose a corporate sponsor for an NFL team.

Bob of Wilmington, Delaware, suggests that Verizon Wireless should sponsor the Arizona Cardinals. The tester nerd could be shown at Sun Devil Stadium saying, "Can you hear me now? Of course you can because there's nobody here."

Sandra Helquist of Menlo Park, California, proposed another wireless sponsor for Arizona: "Cingular advertises its plan to rollover minutes, and the Cardinals appear to be rolling over their salary cap space into the future. Also, during games they roll over and play dead."

Kevin Gier of St. Louis proposed that the Chiefs' Dante Hall be sponsored by Kansas City's American Century Mutual Funds, whose slogan is, "We're Small But We Promise Great Returns." Check the photo of Hall running one back -- he makes the ball look big!

Andrew Sroufe suggests the Cleveland Browns (Release 2.1) be sponsored by First Energy, the Ohio utility that may have trigged the August blackout in the Northeast. In haiku,

First Energy Browns.
Another blackout would help:
We won't have to watch.

-- Andrew Sroufe, Athens, Ohio

Shane F. of Rich Hill, Missouri, suggests the New Orleans Saints be sponsored by the Kroger supermarket chain: "Would you like paper or plastic to use to hide your head?"

Martha Meldrum of Raleigh, North Carolina, suggested the New England Patriots be sponsored by the United States Department of Justice, in order to promote the USA Patriot Act. "Of course, John Ashcroft would have to monitor all conversations in the huddle," Meldrum notes. "Players would have to agree to government cameras in their bedrooms, and implantation of mind-control chips. But isn't loss of freedom a small price to pay for preserving our freedoms?"

Steven Levy suggests the Tennessee Titans be sponsored by Staples: "Your source for thumbtacks."

Rob Caldwell of St. Francisville, Illinois, suggests San Diego be sponsored by MasterCard, using this script:

Ticket to the game: $45
Hot dog and souvenirs: $35
Receiver who won't play: $47 million

Listening to management excuses for David Boston: priceless

Brian Greenwald of Dallas proposes that the Denver Broncos be sponsored by Microsoft: "Denver hit with only a $25,000 fine for uniform 'error' in San Diego; Microsoft pays only a $23 million out-of-court antitrust settlement. These two are the kings of getting off easy."

Reader Amr Hiram proposes in haiku that the aging Long Johns seek out Levitra's competitor as a sponsor:

The Oakland Raiders
need an increase in blood flow.
Sponsor? Viagra.

-- Amr Hiram, Toronto

Ted Ames wins this week's Challenge with this haiku proposal:

Searching for answers:
The Cincinnati Bengals,
sponsored by Google.

-- Ted Ames, New York

This Week's Challenge: What test should you have to pass to become a celebrity chef? Submit your clever answer at TMQespn@yahoo.com.

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 9:52 AM

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Run amok: Soldier Field, Terrell's ego
By Gregg Easterbrook
Page 2 columnist

Last night, Chicago unveiled the "new" Solider Field, an old field that was completely redone in order to make it more expensive. Working round the clock, sparing no expense -- $632 million, according to the Chicago Tribune -- and spending freely since most of it was taxpayers' money, anyway, the architects of the new Soldier Field managed to take a beautiful classical structure and make it an ugly modern structure. Great job!

The new public park surrounding the renovated Soldier Field is impressive, as are the walkways to the wonderful Field Museum. Seats are wide and well-spaced -- TMQ recently sat at Philadelphia's new Lincoln Field, and the seats were so narrow and squished together that they made a Southwest Airlines middle seat seem appealing.

By all accounts, what's inside the rebuilt Soldier Field is fan-friendly and very well done -- on beholding the classy interior, Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher declared, "This looks like someplace we'd travel to." Also, you have to like the fact that heated liquid glycol piped under the turf will keep the Kentucky bluegrass no cooler than 50 degrees Fahrenheit in the Chicago winters. Ethyl alcohol, some heated, will be piped into fans.

Soldier Field
$630 million? They should have used some of that money to buy a better team.

But there remains the fact that the exterior of Soldier Field was once beautiful, and is now ugly -- at fantastic expense. Presumably, if an actual flying saucer crashed on Lake Shore Drive, it would look better than this.

The original, beautiful Soldier Field was completed in 1924 at a cost of $10 million, which inflates to $101 million in current dollars. Thus, in real-dollar terms, the new, ugly Soldier Field cost six times as much as the original, beautiful one. Spending $632 million to make something look worse: how very current!

It's good to know that no matter how much is ripped out and rebuilt, Chicago tradition remains. On their first possession last night in the $632 million new venue, the Bears ran three plays and gained zero yards.

In other NFL news, Terrell Owens was a member of the San Francisco team that got punched out 35-7 by Minnesota -- but you'd never know it from listening to Terrell Owens. This gentleman threw a tirade on the sidelines; and then, after the game, denounced his teammates while mewling, "I was always open." Apparently, Owens had nothing, nothing at all, to do with his team losing. There's no "I" in team. There is also no "T.O."

What is it with wide receivers and their egos? Sunday's game was not between the Niners and the Vikings; it was between the Randy Moss ego and the Terrell Owens ego. The reason T.O. blew a gasket is that Moss' ego caught three touchdowns and his ego caught none.

Terrell Owens
TO hasn't been doing much dancing this year -- but, of course, that's the fault of his teammates.

Moss, Owens, Cris Carter -- a high percentage of football's insufferable egotists are receivers. Marvin Harrison merely sulks, which makes him seem mild-mannered by comparison. Insufferable ego even strikes receivers like David Boston and Troy Edwards, who have never done squat. And receiver ego is hardly just a recent phenomenon. On the day Andre Reed became the No. 2 receiver all-time, he denounced his teammates and threw a tirade about not being worshipped enough.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback can offer these explanations for runaway receiver ego:

First, today's WRs really do believe they are always open. Watch games in person, or watch tape, and you will see that even Jerry Rice and Moss -- the two I'd least like to face -- are covered on most plays. But receivers tell themselves they are always open; and since nobody watches pass patterns, fans don't know better. In contrast, any running back who said, "I'm always about to go the distance," would be laughed at because fans follow the ball and see that isn't true.

Second, receivers get the all-ego isolation moments. Other gentlemen on the field are engaged in complex joint efforts; fans see them performing as ensembles. When the little television tetragon shifts to the receiver, he's all alone loping through the defense. It's a perspective that places emphasis on the ego, making him appear, however fleetingly, to do something single-handedly.

Third, by the nature of the long pass, wide receivers occasionally turn in spectacular major-yardage plays. Except for the occasional runback, most long gains go to the wideout corps. This allows the egotistical receiver who catches a long pass to believe he is winning the game single-handedly.

Finally, receivers have runaway egos because they don't block.

In the contemporary NFL, wide-outs are the sole players who consistently get away with not aiding their teammates. Linemen and tight ends are expected to block on every play. The quarterback is busy on every play. Running backs who don't block the blitz soon learn the definition of "waiver wire." Over on defense, everybody pursues at full speed, even when the play is 20 yards down the field on the opposite side. But wide receivers? Go to a game and watch them during running plays. They listlessly lean on the cornerback, if they do anything at all. Some star receivers don't make any attempt to block even when the play is coming their way. (The football gods adulate Jerry Rice because he always blocks; but then, Rice is exceptional in everything.) And coaches don't compel gentlemen of the Terrell Owens ilk to block. So they think they're more important than everyone else combined, and have ego meltdowns.

Solution? Make Terrell Owens and Randy Moss cover punts.

David Carr
The football gods applaud the Texans for going for the win rather than overtime.

The Football Gods Will Reward This: Trailing 20-17 with two seconds left, the Houston Texans faced fourth-and-goal on the Jax 1-yard line. A scientifically estimated six-nines of NFL coaches (that is, 99.999999 percent) in this situation send in the field goal unit to force overtime. Taking the field goal actually is not the percentage play; NFL teams probably convert about 80 percent of fourth-and-ones, while a ticket to overtime is a 50-50 chance. But coaches kick in this situation in order to avoid blame. If the coach gambles to win and fails, then the loss is his fault. If the coach plays it safe and goes to overtime where a loss results, that's the players' fault.

Gloriously, majestically, Houston coach Dom Capers ordered the Texans to go for it. And he ordered a run -- 'tis better to have rushed and lost than never to have rushed at all! David Carr on the sneak, victory.

Actually, there is another coach who recently went for everything on the game's final play. Week 15 of the 2002 season: The 3-10 Minnesota Vikings scored with five seconds left to come within one point of New Orleans. Rather than kick the singleton PAT and go to overtime -- buying that 50-50 ticket -- Vikings coach Mike Tice went for two, got it, and departed victorious. The football gods smiled; and since then, Minnesota has won an additional six straight. Yea, verily, the football gods will now smile upon the Texans as well.

Stat of the Week: Stretching back to the moment last season when they went for two on the game's final play, the Minnesota Vikings have won seven straight.

Stat of the Week No. 2: The Kansas City Chiefs held Jamal Lewis to 115 yards.

Stat of the Week No. 3: Mike Vanderjagt of Indianapolis kicked 19 times -- 10 kickoffs, seven extra points and two field goals.

Stat of the Week No. 4: The Buffalo offense scored 62 points in the season's first eight quarters, and zero points in the next seven quarters.

Stat of the Week No. 5: The Jets had more penalties and punts (8) than points (6).

Stat of the Week No. 6: St. Louis put up 24 more first downs than Arizona.

Dante Hall
Dante Hall has three return TDs (two kickoff, one punt) this season.

Stat of the Week No. 7 Chiefs' returner Dante Hall has six touchdowns in his last nine outings.

Stat of the Week No. 8: The Tennessee defense scored nine points and returned a takeaway to the Pittsburgh 1, from where the offense recorded a touchdown. The Steelers' offense scored 13 points. Thus, the Tennessee defense effectively outscored the Pittsburgh offense.

Stat of the Week No. 9: Against Oakland in overtime, San Diego ran seven plays for a net of eight yards.

Stat of the Week No. 10: Minnesota, Tennessee and "Washington" won by a combined 48 points, despite being outgained by a combined 333 yards.

Stat of the Week No. 11: Philadelphia and Chicago, opening a combined $1.1 billion worth of new stadiums, fell behind by a combined 34-0.

Stat of the Week No. 12: Stretching back to the beginning of the 2001 season, the Bears have followed a 13-3 run with a 4-16 run.

Cheerleader of the Week: Kim Lance of the Sea Gals of the red-hot (blue-hot, in this case) Seattle Blue Men Group. With training in jazz, tap, ballet, lyrical and hip-hop dance, Lance works as a human-resources manager. So Kim, you handle the human resources -- who handles the space-alien resources? (See below.) She also picks football games. Here you'll see Lance got only five right this week. But don't despair, since that's about the same success rate as the New York Times sports page. And Kim Lance becomes the first cheer-babe to submit a haiku to TMQ! The allusion is to the proposed Seattle espresso surcharge.

Seahawks cheerleader
Kim earns high grades from TMQ for ... her haiku ability.

Holmgren's heroes are
playoff contenders! Please don't
tax our victories.

-- Kim Lance, Seattle

You can order the Sea Gals 2004 calendar here. Lance comments, "It proves you don't need to be nearly naked in a bikini or lingerie to put together a beautiful calendar." Kim, you may be missing a key point.

Here, Sea Gals cheerleader Amber Lancaster appears on the "Are You Hot?" non-reality show. She did not advance! Lancaster was not considered hot? Only possible explanation: Lighting in the room was poor. Amber's comments on the event includes this: "The judges critiqued me for a good half an hour." Remember, she's standing in front of them in a string bikini the entire time; if Amber Lancaster was standing in front of me in a string bikini, I'd drag the interview out too. Lancaster continues, "Their comments seemed a little out of sorts, and I wasn't saying too much in response. So Randolph Duke asked me if I could speak, and I said yes, I can speak!" Amber, that exchange was high eloquence by the standards of "Are You Hot?"

Sweet Play of the Week: Tied at 3 against Baltimore in the third quarter, Kansas City had first-and-10 on its own 38. The Chiefs faked up the middle as wide receivers came back toward the quarterback from both sides, so it was impossible to know which way the end-around would go. Johnnie Morton took it 36 yards to set up the go-ahead touchdown.

Sweet Play of the Week No. 2: Game scoreless in the first, the Lucky Charms sent running back Ricky Williams into the flat. He faked an out; Peyton Manning pumped; Williams went to the end zone, where he caught an "up" for six. A pump-and-go to a running back!

Sour Play of the Week No. 1: Trailing by 11 with 2:38 remaining, Jersey/B faced fourth-and-three on the Dallas 10. Wayne Chrebet ran a two-yard out, caught it and was tackled to end the contested portion of the game. He ran a two-yard pattern when the team needed three yards!

Plus, consider the situation. The Jets' last strand of hope was to record a field goal, a touchdown and a deuce conversion. Since Jersey/B had to notch a field goal, anyway, why not take the three-pointer here and then either onside -- to military-afterburner-level noise from the home crowd -- or kick away, considering the Jets still had a timeout, plus the clock would stop at two minutes? Against the Dolphins two weeks ago, also at home, also trailing by 11 with three minutes left, Jersey/B threw a reckless interception in Miami territory when it might have quietly taken the field goal and at least stayed alive.

John Carney
What, a kicker couldn't outrun a defensive back?!?!

Sour Play of the Week No. 2: Trailing Indianapolis 14-0, the New Orleans Boy Scouts lined up for a field-goal try in the second quarter. New Orleans ran a nifty fake: The ball was hiked to the snapper, who flipped it to kicker John Carney running right. Carney gained three yards. But the fake was called on fourth-and-seven! Generally, fake kicks should be called only on fourth-and-short, when there's decent hope of a first.

Wacky Food of the Week: The current global leader in food wackiness is El Bulli, a super-expensive restaurant on the Costa Brava in Spain. El Bulli is open just six months per year and claims to sell out every possible table for that six months in a single day. According to this recent New Yorker article by the food writer William Echikson, Ferrán Adrià, the chef-owner of El Bulli, is devoted to culinary absurdity:

Using a nitrous-oxide canister, he prepares foams out of cod, pine nuts, asparagus, and mushrooms; he injects warm olive oil into dinner rolls with a syringe; he gives cooking times in seconds rather than in minutes or hours; waiters at El Bulli instruct how and when and in what order to eat the food, as if choreographing a complex chemical reaction. From black-truffle lollipops to polenta ice cream -- through twenty-nine tapas-size courses that sometimes include seawater mousse and pulverized Fisherman's Friend lozenges and spaghetti noodles made from Parmesan cheese -- meals at El Bulli can last six hours. The menu is prix fixe, $150 per person, without wine.

Seawater mousse! Wouldn't that be, um, mainly water? Pulverized cough drops! (Fisherman's Friend lozenges come in many flavors, including the ever-popular "salmiak," a salted anise taste.) Pine nuts injected with nitrous oxide! Check El Bulli's weird postmodern website here.

William Echikson's estimable 1996 book, "Burgundy Stars," tells the story of one of the world's most famous restaurants, La Cote d'Or in southern France, and is a fascinating read. Nitrous-oxide injected foam is not on the menu at La Cote d'Or. Though you can order poularde Alexandre Dumaine, chicken breast baked with truffles and leeks, for $267 per serving.

Best Purist Drive: Minnesota ran on seven consecutive snaps during the second-quarter drive that put the Vikings ahead 14-0 and began the rout of San Francisco.

Reader Haiku: In honor of the reopening of Soldier Field, reader Benjamin Keys entered a contemplative state and produced the following haiku triptych. In it, Keys proposes that the Bears, known to this column as the Chicago Daxiongmao -- the Mandarin word for Pandas -- instead be the Ursa Minors.

They paved paradise,
put in a luxury box:
The new Soldier Field.

Colonnades dwarfed by
saucer. Fern-bar ambiance
no home for Monsters.

Looks like a spaceship:
bad plays visible from space.
Try "Ursa Minors."

-- Ben Keys, Oak Park, Illinois

Reader Mike Carlson of London, who toils on the UK's "NFL Update" show, notes that while football prohibits steroids and all the other stuff baseball allows -- in MLB, steroid use is now mandatory -- the NFL is simultaneously in a marketing alliance with a pretty major supplement:

NFL bans all
performance-enhancing drugs:
except Levitra.

-- Mike Carlson, United Kingdom

Kordell Stewart
TMQ boldly predicts the Bears will not one day retire Kordell Stewart's No. 10.

Early Retirement for Numbers: Most NFL teams have just a few jerseys retired. Miami has only three retired numbers, despite being the club of history's sole perfect season. Green Bay, for all its lore, has just four retired numbers. Fans in Dallas and Oakland have never witnessed the ceremony of the jersey hung from the rafters, as these franchise do not retire numbers. Seattle has two retired numbers: No. 80 for Steve Largent and No. 12 for "fans/the 12th man." Apparently, this reflects the fact that in all Seahawks annals, there's only one single player who has exceeded the accomplishments of an imaginary construct.

Then there are the Chicago Bears. In the Windy City jersey Nos. 3, 5, 7, 28, 34, 40, 41, 42, 51, 56, 61, 66 and 77 are retired -- and Mike Singletary's number isn't even on that list! Thirteen retired numbers mean Chicago has a perpetual crunch handing out jerseys in training camp. Fortunately, in order to keep the situation from getting worse, the Bears have adopted a strict team policy of not developing any more great players.

Plus, While He Was Using the Sideline ATM, Some Guy Would Stand Behind Him Saying, "Can't You Hurry It Up, Pal?" Now that the Daxiongmao are Presented by Bank One, TMQ wonders what banking-related changes will be made. Here's a possibility suggested by Frank Easterbrook, an Official Brother of TMQ. In Japan, the sumo wrestler who prevails is ceremonially handed his winnings, in cash, on the spot. Bears contracts could be re-written so that whenever a player hits a bonus milestone, say by catching a touchdown pass, he immediately runs to the sideline and gets his bonus, in cash, out of a Bank One ATM.

Of course, this plan would require Chicago players to score touchdowns.

From the Sublime to the Ridiculous: Just after Arizona scored against St. Louis to draw within 17-7 with 12 seconds left in the first half, Cards safety Dexter Jackson, a mere eight months ago the Super Bowl MVP with Tampa, intercepted a half-ending Hail Mary at his own 5-yard line. Rather than take a knee, Jackson did an extended "Look, Ma, I can dance!" number that culminated in a fumble recovered by Les Mouflons with three seconds remaining. St. Louis kicked a field goal as the half expired, and the rout was on.

Worst Defensive Play: Game scoreless in the first, the Rams came out unbalanced left on third-and-goal. The Arizona (caution: may contain football-like substance) Cardinals did not shift to that side or in any way react, leaving only two gentlemen on the defensive right to face four blockers. Easy touchdown run.

Worst Failure to Watch Game Film: Carolina has already blocked six kicks. The Panthers are overloading the center, rushing several men directly over the long-snapper -- taking into account that teams have been trending toward midsized long-snappers, such as 250-pound tight end/long snapper Derek Rackley, victimized by Carolina on Sunday. Green Bay blocked a Chicago punt on Monday night by overloading three on the long-snapper, so somebody has noticed. But since this tactic is working, why isn't it spreading internet-virus-like around the league?

Gregg Williams
"What do you mean we're allowed to run the ball on third-and-short? Now you tell me!"

'Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed At All: Trailing the Eagles 10-0 in the second quarter, Buffalo reached third-and-short at the Philadelphia 33. Considering the short distance and the position -- the area of the field where logic usually dictates go for it -- did the Bills pound, pound? Incompletion, missed 51-yard field goal attempt into the wind.

On their next possession, still trailing 10-0, the Bills reached third-and-two on the Philadelphia 35. Considering the short distance and the field position, did the Bills pound, pound? Pass caught and fumbled, Eagles' ball.

Five times against Philadelphia, Buffalo faced third-and-one or third-and-two. The Bills passed every time. Results? Incompletion, fumble, incompletion, incompletion, incompletion.

'Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed At All No. 2: Leading by a field goal at the two-minute warning, the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons faced second-and-six, New England holding just one time-out. Did the Persons pound, pound and advance the clock? Incompletion, incompletion; the Patriots get it back with 1:39 left and ample time to stage their almost-comeback.

TMQ Thought for the Day: Isn't "Vanderjagt" a kind of flavored schnapps served with a beer chaser?

Best Blocks: Quincy Morgan's 71-yard touchdown run with a receiver hitch screen was made possible by a great downfield block by center Jeff Faine, who hustled out from the interior line. Rod Smith's 22-yard run with a receiver hitch screen was made possible by a great downfield block by center Tom Nalen, who hustled out from the interior line.

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! Leading 17-10 in the fourth, the Denver Cursors had the Detroit Peugeots facing third-and-three. It's a blitz! Six gentlemen cross the line, 43-yard touchdown pass to Scotty Anderson.

New Jersey Schedule Quirk: Dallas has now made two trips to the Meadowlands, to play Jersey/A and Jersey/B; Buffalo and Miami must do the same this season.

A Bargain at Twice the Price: The league did not so much as slap the Denver Cursors on the wrist -- a $25,000 fine -- for their uniform ploy at San Diego.

Home teams get to choose whether to wear colors or whites; for games early in the season in warm locales, the homeboys almost always choose whites because they're more comfortable in sunlight. Going to San Diego to collide with the Bolts on Sept. 14, Denver brought along only whites; then waited 'til just before game time to tell this to San Diego. At that point, it was not physically possible for Denver to fly in its dark jerseys, so San Diego switched to dark jerseys for the sake of staging the event. Denver got the edge, since at kickoff it was 73 degrees Fahrenheit with high humidity. The Cursors won by 24.

Denver claimed a "mistake" in bringing its whites. But every single Broncos player, and every single member of the Broncos organization, knew perfectly well San Diego would want to use its home prerogative to wear white. Every high-school player in America would know this! Yet the league let Denver off in effect with no penalty at all -- in the high-stakes NFL world, where millions are spent in search of slight edges, $25,000 to improve your chance of victory is incredibly cost-effective. The Broncos should have been docked a draft choice.

We're All "Human," With the Exception of Some Linebackers: "Investigators believe the Arizona wildfire was set by humans," declared National Public Radio. So they've ruled out the Klingons as suspects! When wildfires struck British Columbia, NPR declared they were caused "by lightning and by human beings." River otters, apparently, had been cleared.

Taelons
TMQ trivia: Are these Klingons, Zylons, Taelons or Vorlons?

Saying "human" when you mean "people" is a sci-fi affectation taking over modern discourse. The august Foreign Policy magazine (that's the august magazine, not the August issue) recently headlined an article, "Why Humans Are More Vulnerable Than Ever to Animal-Borne Diseases." The droids remain immune! Scientific American magazine recently noted a study that suggested "humans may not be warming the Earth." So if it's not the humans, is it the Romulans who are driving all those SUVs? Analyzing the Northeast blackout, the New York Times declared that power plants tripped off "before any human being could react." If only the Zylons had acted more quickly!

The Times also noted of the desolate Arctic National Wildlife Refugee, "Few humans go there." But the Borg find it an ideal vacation spot! Washington's Metro transit authority recently announced a biowar-emergency plan to disinfect the parts of subway cars that "come into contact with humans." We don't care if Wookies get sick in our nation's capital? The New York City subway authority unveiled magnetic-strip farecards, replacing tokens sold by "humans in booths." Hey, I've seen some of those New York subway workers, and am not sure they are representatives of genus Homo.

Aliens note: Why do so many names of sci-fi aliens end in "on"? Klingons, Zylons, Taelons, Vorlons and on and on. TMQ always loved the Vorlons, the sinister ancient species of the "Babylon Five" space opera, because their name sounds like the secret ingredient in laundry detergent. Maybe their starcruisers say on the side in bright letters, "Now! With added Vorlon!"

Alternatively, Britney's Private-Parts Tattoo May Be a Copyright Symbol: Each autumn, TMQ chortles over the "What's Sexy Now?" cover story of the telephone-book-sized InStyle magazine, which runs more pages of celebrity fluff than the monthly page content of all intellectual publications combined.

Two years ago, InStyle pondered the question of "What's Sexy Now?" and came to the counterintuitive conclusion that what's sexy now is naked babes. The mag's cover featured Kate Hudson nude, hands strategically placed, and quoted her declaring that whenever she enters her home she immediately strips to nothing because "I love being nude!" Last year, InStyle pondered the question of "What's Sexy Now?" and came to the dreary conclusion that Jennifer Aniston, fully clothed and looking quite bored, is what's sexy now.

This year InStyle ponders the question of "What's Sexy Now?" and comes to the conclusion -- nothing is sexy now! Or, at least, the best InStyle can come up with as the epitome of contemporary erotic daydreaming is Britney Spears showing off the tops of her underpants. Like I said, nothing is sexy now.

Olivier Martinez
Olivier is turned on by boats, green underwear and cottage cheese.

This year's InStyle sex issue contains the usual preposterous attempts at a poetic touch: "As for what's positively absolutely sexy: a shy smile at the grocery store, the flicker of candlelight seen through a steamy shower." Wouldn't the steamy shower put out the candle?

In the celebrity confessions section, mega-hunk Olivier Martinez declares -- or rather, the publicist who wrote his comments declares -- "Motorboats are straight-ahead masculine, but the way sailboats move through the wind is very feminine." (Presumably, all the comments "by" celebrities are written by publicists, if not by the InStyle staff.) Olivier, you are sexually aroused by boats?

Mega-babe Liv Tyler announces, "People are sexy because of who they are." But Liv, since everyone is who they are, doesn't this mean everyone is sexy? That has not been TMQ's experience. (Disclosure: Nor has it been the experience of those who have encountered TMQ.)

Semi-babe Brittany Murphy inexplicably declares, "What's sexiest to me is the mystery and intrigue that surround David Letterman." The mystery of David Letterman? Like, the mystery of whether the monologue will come first?

Political mega-babe Salma Hayek declares, "The twenties were sexy because they were a time of experimentation." The main experiment of the 1920s was Prohibition, which created organized crime.

James Bond hunk Pierce Brosnan opines, "I'm not sure why Hollywood has gotten puritanical, but the movies aren't very sexy right now." What recent movie does he think qualifies as sexy? "The Thomas Crown Affair," starring Pierce Brosnan.

Britney Spears
What's sexy now? This is the best InStyle can come up with?

Mega-babe Rebecca Romijn-Stamos allows that she finds humor "an aphrodisiac." Rebecca, this column is pretty funny. So would you consider -- oh, forget it.

And finally, Britney, pulling down her cutoffs to show her underpants and the upper half of a nether-region tattoo that looks distressingly like a Universal Product Code, declares, "I love to light some candles and have my boyfriend over, if I have one, which I don't right now." Britney, we all know who you're having over. And wait a minute, there's the answer. Girls kissing girls is what's sexy now! How did InStyle miss that?

Best Use of TMQ: Last week, TMQ complained that zebras were watching the ball, rather than the knee, when calling goal-line dive-ins for touchdowns or dive-outs to avoid safeties. On Sunday, the officials first called good and then overturned a Deuce McAllister non-touchdown on which his knee came down outside the end zone, and he lunged forward. Officials correctly called, on the first try, a safety as Tommy Maddox's knee came down inside the end zone, and he lunged the ball out.

Best News I've Heard In Years! TMQ was much pleased by last week's decision of the Consumer Product Safety Commission to recall the ridiculous Segway, which TMQ calls the Segway Sidewalk SUV. But there won't be many to recall. As this story details, the Segway is a complete flop in the marketplace.

Last year, TMQ noted that if the Segway Sidewalk SUV actually became popular, this would ruin the urban walking experience by placing smug, selfish riders atop metal monstrosities roaring down sidewalks at 12 miles per hour, the smug, selfish riders expecting everyone to jump out of their way. TMQ further noted that "being struck by a Segway roaring down the sidewalk will be significantly worse than being popped by an NFL linebacker," owing to metal and total weight. Bicycles are not allowed on city sidewalks, though they weigh far less and contain far less metal than the Segway Sidewalk SUV. Yet 44 states have been strong-armed into enacting special-interest legislation allowing selfish Segway riders to hog the sidewalk. Thank goodness the things are so expensive, and have so little utility, that no one is buying.

Segway
And the good points of the Segway are ...

TMQ also reiterates that the Earth-friendly marketing of the Segway Sidewalk SUV is a complete sham. If somehow Segways did catch on, their main effect on society would be to make strolling so unpleasant and risky that people who presently use the subway (TMQ, for example) will resort to driving in order to be off the sidewalks and safe from Segways. Discouraging people from walking in order to get them to ride a dangerous $5,000 hulk of metal that consumes energy! How very Earth-friendly.

The article linked above notes that Segway was initially backed by a venture capitalist who predicted the company would take in $500 billion in five years. In order to do so, Segway would need to reach almost the same level as the global sales as General Motors. Yet, tech-stock shills didn't giggle at this projection. Segway was even hyped by Harvard Business School, whose press published a book predicting the Segway Sidewalk SUV would be bigger than the Internet, antibiotics, and so on.

Segway LLC, the manufacturer, is close enough to going out of business that it is resorting to the time-honored dodge of sweetheart government contracts -- the company wants to sell Segways to police departments. Government contracting is the last refuge of scoundrels: The product emphatically rejected by the marketplace is often the product trying to trade campaign donations for no-bid government funding. Segway, the sooner you join the eight-track tape deck in the Hall of Discarded Ideas, the better off we'll all be.

Worst News I've Heard In Years! In what this story weirdly describes as "a breakthrough," scientists in France cloned a rat. Memo to French Academy of Sciences -- the world already contains sufficient rats. We are not interested in enhancing their reproduction! We do, however, feel cloned rats should be kept in France, where they would be naturals for the French diplomatic corps.

But Then, As the World Knows, Lisa Looks Good in Leather: At the Bears-Packers game on MNF, Lisa Guerrero prowled the sidelines clad in a leather jacket with leather gloves. Kickoff temperature was 58 degrees! TMQ regularly chides coaches for over-dressing for games that aren't really cold. Don't let's see this habit spreading to the network crowd, too.

This Week's Anti-Canada Item: When ABCs Jeffrey Kofman filed a story from Iraq asserting that troop morale is low, the Drudge Report denounced him as an "openly gay Canadian." Kofman is both gay and Canadian. In fact, openly Canadian!

Think of the shame he must have felt growing up, knowing there was something about him that was not normal -- a terrible secret he had to hide from others. I refer to the Canadian part, of course. Canadians should adopt a don't-ask, don't-tell policy about their national orientation.

See this story from the Toronto Globe and Mail for the identities of other Canadians who are busily infiltrating the American media. Pretty soon, when some ABC executive announces at a programming meeting that the CFL will be taking over Monday Night Football, America will learn the shocking truth. By then, it will be too late.

HAL
"It can only be attributable to human error."

My Budget, Dick. Approve My Budget, Dick: The Pentagon actually is working on a computer system called HAL -- "Host Accessory Logic" -- for an Air Force program known as the Advanced EHF communications satellite. A word of advice to the technicians: If it starts to sing, run.

Hidden Indicator: Six teams -- Baltimore, Detroit, New Orleans, Pittsburgh, San Diego and San Francisco -- lost despite outrushing their opponents. This is the kind of hidden indicator that is essential to an insider's understanding of the game. Unfortunately, Tuesday Morning Quarterback has no idea what it means.

Running Items Department

Obscure College Score of the Week: Nicholls State 64, Texas Southern 5. Located in Thibodaux, Louisiana, Nicholls State University is named after Civil War hero Redding Nicholls; the school's official bio of him neglects to mention that Nicholls served on the Confederate side. The school refers to its students as "clientele."

Bonus Obscure Score: Youngstown State 34, Liberty 3. Located in Lynchburg, Tennessee, Liberty University is the preserve of the Rev. Jerry Falwell. The school's home page boldly announces a sweepstakes, the "2002-2003 Liberty University Jeep Giveaway!"

Obscure College Score Flashback: Concerning the game that ended Washburn 28, Fort Hayes 4, several Fort Hayes students or alums, including Heather McKesson of Savannah, Georgia, wrote in with variations on this lament -- if only we'd gotten 13 more safeties!

New York Times Final-Score Score: Once again, the Paper of Guesses goes 0-14 in its quixotic attempt to predict an exact NFL final score, bringing the New York Times Final-Score Score to 1-893 since TMQ began tracking.

Reader Animadversion: Got a complaint or a deeply felt grievance? Register is at TMQespn@yahoo.com.

Local Affiliates Outrage Watch: So far, the Washington, D.C., area, where TMQ lurks, in addition to every Baltimore and "Washington" game, has seen every game played by the Dallas Cowboys and Jersey/B Jets (combined record, 2-5). But we've yet to get our first glimpse of the Panthers or Seahawks (combined record, 6-0) and have only had one glimpse each of Buffalo, Kansas City, Minnesota and Tampa (combined record, 12-3).

Is your local network affiliate showing woofer matchups instead of hot games? Register your protests, including the specifics -- call letters of station, date and times -- at TMQespn@yahoo.com.

Miss California
Just a reminder: this is Miss California. TMQ still intends on making more trips to the West Coast.

Last Week's Challenge: In honor of Miss California -- the swimsuit-winner mega-babe at the Miss America pageant who is also a divinity student -- TMQ asked readers to propose a new Miss America competition, joining the traditional talent, swimsuit and evening gown events, that would reflect the 21st century. (Note to art staff: Have just created a flimsy excuse to append cheesecake photo from that selfsame swimsuit competition.)

Martin Newham suggested a text-messaging competition, in which contestants must rapidly send clever symbol-messages via cell phones.

Matt Janik of Barkhamsted, Connecticut, proposed, "All contestants are placed in a cubicle in an office building. The winner is the one who can finish reading TMQ first without being caught by a roving boss with cheese/beefcake pictures on the screen."

Reader Barry Negrin of New York proposes an inspectors event: "Miss America contestants should find weapons of mass destruction in a foreign country, or at least in downtown Atlantic City." Find a weapon of mass destruction in Atlantic City? That's easy, the Trump Plaza. Negrin adds, "My wife is an ordained rabbi, and she's a mega-babe in my book." Mega-babe rabbis -- this must be the 21st century!

Bart Shirley suggests a music file downloading competition: "The Miss America contestants are judged on how many megabytes they can download before they are issued subpoenas."

Kerri Barnhart suggests, "Why not a competition to judge their plastic surgery? And by the way, where was this week's beefcake?" Kerri, our staff of beefcake consultants is working on the problem.

James Terranova suggests Miss America add "a kissing Britney event." Ratings would surely rise.

Pam Mandich suggests the addition of a Miller Lite Catfight competition. This also would be good for ratings, and who might be the corporate sponsor?

The winner is Liam Feldman of Lakeside, Michigan, who proposes his new Miss America competition in haiku:

Contestants attempt
to kick an extra point for
New Mexico U.

-- Liam Feldman

This Week's Challenge The Bears are now Presented by Bank One; if Bank One's corporate performance mimics the Bears, CDs will soon yield negative interest. What other NFL teams and corporate sponsors would be a perfect match? Propose your witty ideas at TMQespn@yahoo.com.

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 4:49 PM

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And Ben & Jerry's ice cream has named an ice-cream sundae after Dean.

The Ben & Jerry's pro-Dean sundae is called Maple Powered Howard. Dean supporters have begun to chant "Maple Powered Howard!" at the rallies of other candidates, trying to drown out the opposition. You won't find Maple Powered Howard at your local outlet unless you live in Vermont, however; it is not an auspicious sign for the candidate's prospects that even Ben & Jerry's thinks no one outside Dean's home state would want a product bearing his name. And Ben & Jerry's does not even list the existence of Maple-Powered Howard on its inventory of flavors. Perhaps it worries about other candidates demanding equal-time flavors.

TMQ thinks other presidential candidates should demand their own Ben & Jerry's flavors! So, as a public service, here's what they would be:

John Kerry: Very Kerry Irish-Jewish-Czech Melting Pot. Flavors from all over the world, blended together until indistinguishable.

For running this promotional picture, TMQ wants a year's supply of free ice cream.

Bob Graham: Graham's Graham Cracker Special. Eat first spoonful at 2:06. Eat second at 2:07. Wipe face with napkin at 2:08. At 2:08:30, ask for sprinkles. At 2:08:45 ...

Joe Lieberman: Joe's Macho Java. Coffee-flavored ice cream bulked up with government-financed prescription drugs.

Al Sharpton: Al's Extra-Smoothy. It's processed!

Dennis Kucinich: Denny's Leftward Lurch.. Bubble-gum pink flavor, with lots of nuts.

John Edwards: John-Boy's Trial-Lawyer Delight. Every carton contains a dead mouse; bite into it and Edwards will represent you in your suit against the dairy.

Carol Moseley Braun: Carol's Incredible Fantasy. Only one-tenth of one percent of the ice cream is flavored, representing the share of votes she will be lucky to get.

Dick Gephardt: Dick's Missouri Hometown Lemonade. When you've run for the nomination as many times as he has, the campaign takes on a lemon flavor.

Wesley Clark: The General's Four-Star Favorite. Red, white and blue ribbons of strawberry, vanilla and blueberry, with candied purple hearts.

Plus these delicious taste sensations for other prominent political figures:

Dick Cheney's Undisclosed Flavor.

George W. Bush's Ice Cream of Mass Destruction. The label lists nuclear, biological and chemical content, but inspectors have been unable to find these ingredients.

Al Gore's Dade County Surprise. Bittersweet chocolate with a sour grape swirl.

And looking ahead to 2008:

Hillary's Endless Fudge.

TMQ believes an age-based requirement for the NFL is acceptable; for example, no mere teenager could excel at writing TMQ.

In NFL news, the teenager Maurice Clarett seems increasingly likely to file a lawsuit attempting to overturn the rule that bars those younger than college juniors from playing in the league. Ohio State's official bio says of Clarett that he is "quiet off the field and keeps to himself." If only that were true! This is going to be a loud, nasty fight. And it's a fight the NFL must win.

A decade ago, the NBA was being touted as the new juggernaut of sports; all its numbers (ratings, revenue, attendance, marketing sales) had risen for years. Since then, NBA popularity has been in free-fall decline -- regular-season ratings down 42 percent in the last decade, this year's Finals the lowest-rated in two decades. What happened, exactly, when the decline began? The NBA opened its doors to a wave of teenagers.

If the NFL starts bringing in teenagers, what will happen is exactly what's happened to pro basketball. Quality of play -- by far the most important aspect of NFL popularity -- will spiral downward. Immature kids will boast and strut for the cameras but refuse to listen to coaches, turning off the paying customers who earn far less than the boasting kids. Experienced veterans who know what they're doing will be thrown overboard for sulking teenagers who end up busts, accelerating the decline in quality of play. Since football requires more cooperation than any sport, and teenagers are by nature uncooperative, fumbles, interceptions and blown plays will increase until every team looks like the Arizona Cardinals. The goose who lays the golden eggs will be tossed into the Crock Pot.

And please don't tell me the league's anti-teenager rule is a conspiracy to stop young African-Americans from becoming rich. If black adolescents are handed huge NFL contracts, veteran players will be waived to free up the funds, and the majority of veteran NFL players are black. (The inevitable release of veteran players is the reason the NFL Players Association opposes allowing teenagers in.) Net monies paid to African-American athletes would remain the same in the early years of a teenagers-allowed system -- though payments would be shifted downward from older players who have learned to be serious about their lives and families, to teenagers who would blow the money. In the latter years of a teenagers-allowed system, net monies paid to black NFL athletes would decline, as the cooking of the golden goose causes the NFL to fall into the same downward spiral the NBA is currently in. Note that the NBA contract top scale, which is earned almost exclusively by African-Americans, has gone down since the league started letting teenagers in.

Also, please don't tell me there is some kind of constitutional right to play professional football at age 19. Many occupations impose age minimums -- you don't run across a lot of 19-year-old police officers or 19-year-old airline pilots. Courts uphold such minimums if they are reasonably related to professional requirements. The reasonable relationship here is that quality of play is the NFL's golden goose, and putting kids on the field will clobber quality.

So, Commissioner Tagliabue, fight this kid Clarett with everything you've got. Keep one adolescent whiner from taking down the most popular and successful sport in the observable universe. Force Clarett north to Canada. Better still, force him back into the classroom, which is what's in his best interest, anyway.

Commish, commish, hold that line! Push 'im back, push 'im back, way back!

And in other NFL news, the Giants had yet another kicking disaster. Seeming to win the MNF game on a field goal with 11 seconds remaining, Jersey/A sailed its kickoff out of bounds; Dallas got possession on its 40; one pass moved the ball to the Jersey/A 34; Dallas hit a 52-yard field-goal as the clock went double-zeros to force overtime; the Cowboys won in the extra session, long after all right-thinking people east of the Mississippi had gone to sleep. United Nations inspectors will report to the Giants' training camp today to begin searching for evidence of a kicking team.

Running backs gone wild! Jamal Lewis' record day topped a huge Sunday for ballcarriers.

The Non-Fantastic Five: Jamal Lewis of Baltimore began his record-setting day by rocketing 82 yards through the Cleveland Browns (Release 2.1) defense on the game's second snap. TMQ had to look at the tape twice: The Browns were in a five-man line on the play. That is, they gave up a huge rushing play while in a run defense.

A non-fantastic five turned out to be the theme of the day! Consider:

Ahman Green ran 65 yards to the house on the Packers' first possession; Detroit was in a five-man line, overstacked against the run.

Deuce McAlister ran 24 yards for the first touchdown of the Saints-Texans contest; Houston was in a five-man line, overstacked against the run.

The Dolphins were backed up in their own end, leading 14-3 late in the second quarter, when Ricky Williams cracked a 22-yard rush that started a touchdown drive and left the Jets reeling; Jersey/B was in a five-man line, overstacked against the run.

Priest Holmes of Kansas City ran 31 yards for the fourth-quarter touchdown that put Pittsburgh out of business; the Steelers were in a five-man line, overstacked against the run.

Clinton Portis ran 25 yards on the Bronco's first rush attempt, setting the tone for the Denver rout of San Diego; the 'Bolts were in a five-man line, overstacked against the run.

Non-fantastic five note No.1: Good thing San Diego got rid of that washed-up Junior Seau! The 'Bolts surrendered 197 yards rushing at home while the Dolphins held the Jets to 21 yards rushing on the road, with Seau having a superb game.

Non-fantastic five note No. 2: Lewis' record-book day included rushes of 82, 63, 38, 23 and 18 yards. So if you just take away those five runs for 224 yards, Cleveland otherwise shut Lewis down! In the offseason, Cleveland released its entire starting linebacker corps. Sunday's replacements looked like they were auditioning for the Arena League -- interior linebackers Andra Davis and Kevin Bentley repeatedly bounced off Lewis, or sailed through the air in one direction as Lewis went, technically speaking, in the other direction. Two weeks ago, a TMQ reader foresaw presciently in haiku,

Release 2.1
Cut too many linebackers
Six and 10 this year
-- Brent L. Hasseman, Cleveland

It appears Martin Gramatica did not leave his tithe to the football gods this week.

Clang! Clang! Clang! Carolina defeated defending Super Bowl champion City of Tampa 12-9 in overtime at Tampa, by virtue of blocking two Bucs' field-goal attempts, then blocking a Bucs' PAT kick that would have won the game on the final play of regulation. Delightfully, Carolina players scooped up the blocked PAT and got most of the way down the field as zebras whistled madly. In college, a blocked PAT runback scores a point for the defense; thus, in college, Carolina could have won by running the conversion attempt back after the clock expired. In the NFL, a conversion try simply ends the moment the defense takes possession of the ball.

The game snapped the champs' eight-game winning streak, stretching back to last season, and left City of Tampa reeling with the thought that a defending Super Bowl victor could manage only 9 points at home. Last week, TMQ noted that the Bucs gracelessly taunted the Eagles when beating Philadelphia in the MNF opener, and predicted, "The football gods will exact a vengeance on Tampa." Didn't take long! Oh ye mortals, trifle not with the football gods.

Resistible Forces: At 3:26 PM Eastern on Sept. 14, the Cleveland Browns (Release 2.1) scored their first touchdown of the 2003 season. At 5:03 Eastern, the Philadelphia Eagles scored their first touchdown of the 2003 season. At 5:21 Eastern, the New England Patriots scored their first touchdown of the 2003 season.

Stat of the Week: Jersey/A and Jersey/B lost games on consecutive days in the same stadium.

Stat of the Week No. 2: Stretching through the first five quarters, Buffalo opened the season on a 45-0 run.

Stat of the Week No. 3: The Browns had more punts and turnovers (11) than first downs (9).

Stat of the Week No. 4: The Dolphins, Ravens and Vikings outrushed the Bears, Browns and Jets by a combined 571 yards.

Stat of the Week No. 5: The Chiefs, Raiders and Rams won by a combined 27 points despite being outgained by a combined 389 yards.

Stat of the Week No. 6: Donovan McNabb attempted 48 passes for an average gain of 3.5 yards. His longest completion, 21 yards, was to a running back.

Stat of the Week No. 7: Stretching back to last season, the Eagles have had three consecutive home losses and been outscored 75-20.

Stat of the Week No. 8: Stretching back to last season, the Giants have played three consecutive home games in which Tiki Barber and Kerry Collins have fumbled a combined 11 times.

Good Seats Always Available! The Arizona (caution: may contain football-like substance) Cardinals opened at home before an announced crowd of 23,127. The figure included ticket give-aways, with actual attendance estimated at a Double-A-like 15,000. If we accept the official gate number, the Cards committed one turnover for every 3,854 customers. It is impossible to calculate how many points Arizona scored per customer, because in mathematics, you cannot divide by zero.

Best 99-Yard Drive Leading Jacksonville 28-10 in the third quarter, Buffalo took over on its 1-yard line. In this situation, it's not unreasonable to go conservative and then launch a field-position punt. The Bills flew the length of the field in eight plays, breaking Jax's will.

Little known fact: TMQ picked up a minor in dance education while in college.

Cheerleader of the Week: This week's is Trisia of the Miami Marine Mammals, a college student majoring in dance education and coach of the Miami Carol City High School Diamond Dancers. Trisia's bio says she has been "a Dolfan since birth." Since before she could talk? Maybe her bottles were teal and orange.

I Predict This Week's TMQ Will Be the Most Popular Ever! Congratulations to Jamal Lewis, but enough already with the gushing that he predicted he would set the NFL record. Even the normally level-headed Tom Jackson gushed on Prime Time, "It's amazing! I can't believe he actually predicted it!"

NFL players endlessly predict incredible things for themselves. Listen to standard trash talk and half the gentlemen in the league are predicting they'll run for 300 yards or catch five touchdowns or get four sacks. A scientifically-estimated 99.999999 percent of these predictions turn out null and void. Lewis' prediction is receiving attention because of his monster day, but it's no more amazing than if the New York Times predicted that every single NFL game this year would finish 23-20 (see below) and then, when one did, cried, "We predicted it!"

Note further that Lewis' incredible prediction happened in a phone call with a friend; presumably, he wasn't taping. When Babe Ruth "called his shot," he did so in public. If instead, after that game, Ruth had said, "You know, I was talking on the phone with this guy and I predicted I'd hit one over the centerfield fence in the fifth inning," people would have said, "Yeah, right."

Best High-School Play: In overtime, the Cowboys lined up heavy left. Quincy Carter rolled left, and the line pulled left. Then Carter pivoted back to the right and threw to Dan Campbell, who was dragging right against the flow of the play; the 26-yard completion put Dallas into range for the winning field goal. This play is High School Football 101, and the Giants defenders looked like they'd never seen it -- or even been watching Sunday Night Football on ESPN, because this was the key play of Tennessee's win over Oakland last week.

Sweet Play of the Day No. 1: Leading 7-0 in the first quarter, Buffalo lined up "trips" right -- three receivers on that flank. Jax defenders scrambled like mad to overload the trips side. Drew Bledsoe then threw deep to the sole receiver on the left, Eric Moulds, for a 29-yard gain. The Bills scored on the possession and the rout was on.

Sweet Play of the Day No. 2: In goal-line situations, Minnesota often goes five-wide to spread the defense, then nose-tackle-sized quarterback Daunte Culpepper draws up the middle. Leading Chicago, 17-13, in the fourth quarter, facing third-and-goal from the 11, the Vikings lined up in an empty backfield. Culpepper took the snap and started forward as if to draw; the Bears bit, and came up. Culpepper then stopped on a dime and lofted a pass to tight end Jim Kleinsasser for the game-clinching points.

A Spokesman for Pepsi Vanilla, the Official Flavored Cola of the Washington Monument, Denounced the Move As Crass Commercialism: Snapple will pay $33 million a year to be "the official iced tea and water" of New York City. "The mayor has long insisted that New York City is not just an important megalopolis but a powerful brand name with strong revenue potential," this report explained.

Meanwhile at the White House, Vice President Dick Cheney declared that "America is not just an important regional power but a brand name with strong revenue potential, too." Cheney said negotiations to call the country "the United States presented by ExxonMobil" are not yet complete.

What would T'Pol look like if she were wearing a Philadelphia Eagles' cheer-babe costume?

Now Accepting Volunteers: A UPN coming-attraction trailer for a repeat of "Star Trek Enterprise" declared, referring to the space babe T'Pol: "When T'Pol prematurely experiences severe symptoms of Pon Farr, the Vulcan mating cycle in which she has to mate or she will die, she begins to make advances on Phlox and Reed, and the crew is forced to find a way to help her." TMQ can think of a way they could have helped her!

Reader Haiku: The last refers to Pittsburgh's new digs, which TMQ calls Ketchup Field.

Pats versus Eagles:
Football fans wonder who will
score first this season.
-- Rick Desper, Bethesda, MD

Seahawks, Bengals, Bills:
The XFL has folded --
dress accordingly!
-- Justin Isaac, Omaha

Which Ram was concussed:
confused, fumbling quarterback
or idiot coach?
-- Don Mecoy, Edmond, Okla.

Ketchup Field? Not quite.
Many thousand yellow seats
are the Mustard Bowl.
-- Jerry Wolper

Where Are the Ice Creams of Yesteryear? TMQ sheds a tear over some great Ben & Jerry's discontinued flavors from ice cream history. My departed favorites include Berry Kaboom, Blackberry Cobbler, Cherry Amour, Concession Obsession, Peach Melba, Raspberry Cheesecake and Vanilla Caramel Fudge. And word is you'd better snap up the best-named Ben & Jerry's flavor of all time -- Karamel Sutra -- because it's on the way out.

You can read Ben & Jerry's congratulating itself for being socially responsible here. By the strangest coincidence, you have to go deep into the Ben & Jerry's site via search engine to find any mention of the fact that the company is owned by Unilever, an enormous conglomerate. Unilever itself, under its brands index, pretends not to own Ben & Jerry's. TMQ's favorite fact about Unilever: It markets the waistline-expanding Ben & Jerry's and Hellman's Mayonnaise, and also SlimFast.

Note to Jets Coaches: the Preseason Has Ended: Trailing the Marine Mammals 21-3 at home, Jersey/B got the ball on its own 20 with 14 seconds left in the first half, holding all three timeouts. Jets' coaches called a listless handoff to Curtis Martin, then trotted into the locker room without making the slightest attempt to do anything about the scoreboard. You've got all three timeouts! Two intermediate completions followed by instant timeouts, and at least you can heave-ho a Hail Mary. On MNF, Dallas had the ball in its end, just 11 seconds and one timeout left at the end of regulation, and scored.

Were Jets' coaches anxious to get the game over with? They certainly acted that way. Jets coaches did not allow Vinny Testaverde to go no-huddle until four minutes remained and the situation was hopeless. One of the great comebacks ever, Jets back from 31-7 in the fourth to beat Miami in the Meadowlands, began when Testaverde went no-huddle at the start of the last quarter.

Note to Jets' Coaches: Before Conversion Attempts, Look at Scoreboard: TMQ doesn't like going for two early in the game, cleaving to the immutable law: Take One 'Til the Fourth. Unless it's the fourth quarter, coaches should forgot those cards that say to go for two when ahead by five, behind by nine and so on. Twist and turns of scoring are too unpredictable; the forgone singleton early may mean the difference later. If the goal is most points, it's better to take a 99-percent chance of one than a 40-percent chance of two.

All this changes in the fourth quarter, once the endgame is coming into view. Trailing Miami 21-3 at home, Jersey/B scored to make it 21-9 with 12:42 remaining. Jets' coaches went for one. Look at the scoreboard! A two-pointer would have cut the margin to a touchdown and a field goal; the singleton left the margin at two touchdowns. Had the Jets gone for two and missed, the margin still would have been two touchdowns, which is the hole they ended up in, anyway. There was no downside to going for a deuce at this point, and considerable upside. Forced to play only for touchdowns in the endgame, Jersey/B lost when Vinny Testaverde pressed and threw an interception with the team in field-goal range. Ye gods.

The R44: It's loud and it pollutes! Kind of like Jeremy Shockey.

Fortunately for Everyone, Streisand Was Not Nude Sunbathing at the Time: Last year, TMQ did an item on the California Coastal Records Project, a husband-wife team (pilot Gabrielle Adelman, photographer Kenneth Adelman) flying the California coast, taking pictures of wealthy people's homes and offering the photos for sale on the Internet. Supposedly, this is done in the name of environmental awareness. According to the Project, photos of every meter of the California coast must be available for sale because structures there "include facilities like power plants and refineries that are enormously destructive to the environment [and] because access to these sites is in some cases restricted." Restricted access to power plants! Now, there's a sinister plot against the public. Why shouldn't anybody be able to enter any power plant?

Last year's TMQ item made sport of the fact that these environmental crusaders are protecting our precious planet by flying around in a helicopter, the most polluting, fossil-fuel-slurping mode of transportation known to man.

While auto tailpipe emissions are very tightly regulated, helicopter air-pollution emissions are unrestricted -- see this page from the New York League of Conservation Voters objecting that helicopters spew air pollution without limits. The more fuel your chariot burns, the more greenhouse gas it emits; and helicopters make SUVs seem like econo-boxes when it comes to fuel consumption. The Project's helicopter is a Robinson R44. According to the manufacturer, this bird burns 14 gallons of fuel per hour. In an hour of steady highway driving, the repulsive Hummer ultra-SUV would burn about five gallons of fuel. So from the standpoint of greenhouse gases, the environmental crusaders at the Coastal Records Project are buzzing around in the equivalent of three Hummer SUVs strapped together.

There are also no noise restrictions on helicopters, another longstanding compliant against rotary aircraft. In their pursuit of environmental protection, the Adelmans are merrily making a deafening racket, spoiling the ability of others to enjoy the California coastline. Why is it when environmental crusaders waste fuel or make noise it's noble; but when anybody else does the same, it's evil?

Comes now Barbra Streisand, who recently sued the Adelmans for posting on the Web highly-detailed aerial photos of her coastal estate. Is this a violation of privacy?

Random thought: What are the odds Babs reads TMQ?

The Adelmans cite California v. Ciraolo, a 1986 Supreme Court ruling that marijuana growers could not claim a privacy right against police aircraft spotting their fields from the air. But this isn't really the proper citation, since it involved criminal behavior. Presumably, being Barbra Streisand is not in itself a criminal offense. Note: recent movies excepted.

It turns out that most private property receives little protection from distant cameras. Courts have held that the Fourth Amendment protects what you do inside a home or similar private area. Being enclosed behind walls and a roof is the key; what happens outside the walls of a home or similar property generally does not receive privacy protection. A realtor can photograph the exterior of your home from the street, for example; if you're standing on the lawn at the time, you can't claim a privacy right. Nor does light or heat emanating from a home or similar place qualify as privacy-protected. Photons bouncing off the backyard gazebo, revealing its appearance to distant cameras -- or infrared signatures emitting from the basement and signaling sun-lamp marijuana growing, to cite an actual Supreme Court case -- are not shielded by privacy law.

Even outside areas enclosed by fencing are not considered private, relative to the sky. If you're out back in the hot tub with Miss Slovenia, anyone flying overhead may legally snap your likeness. (Note: have just created an excuse for the ESPN.com art department to append a swimsuit photo of Miss Slovenia. Flimsy justification: A swimsuit is what she'd wear in the hot tub!)

It's a shame they don't play American football in Slovenia.

This is why satellite companies lawfully market space-taken photos of the entire face of the Earth. Terraserver.com lets you enter a latitude and longitude intersection of almost any place of Earth, and sells you a satellite photo of same. At no cost, I checked out this eight-meter resolution view of a randomly selected section of Tokyo. For cash, Terraserver will improve the view to one-meter resolution. That means you could buy a photo of the ESPN headquarters complex in Bristol, Connecticut (sorry, you'll have to look up the coordinates yourself) and actually see Mike Golic working over lunch in his rooftop cucumber garden.

Aircraft are legally little different than satellites, meaning someone flying a helicopter near your beachfront estate and taking pictures is lawful. Only federal rules on minimum altitude -- generally, civilian aircraft may fly no lower than 1,000 feet except during takeoffs and landings -- apply. Staying out over the water on the coastline may allow the Adelmans to skirt altitude minimums.

In two instances, aerial photographs are restrained by law. One is trade secrets being stolen from the air. A relevant case concerned a helicopter that snapped pictures of the interior of a Dow Chemical factory before the roof was put on; courts held this to be a violation of Dow's intellectual property rights, as there are manufacturer's trade secrets involved in the layout of chemical plants. So if there is anything proprietary about Streisand's home -- perhaps, patented fountain-of-youth technology -- she stand a chance against the Adelmans.

The other restriction against prying aerial cameras is that no one may make commercial use of your name or likeness, taken in private circumstances, without consent. If Sean Penn gets his picture snapped at a public rally in support of Saddam Hussein, that likeness belongs to the metasphere. If someone takes Penn's picture in a private home, permission is required for commercial use.

So is the California Coastal Records Project engaged in a commercial use of the photo it took of Bab's manse? Well, said photo is being offered for sale, which sounds kind of commercial to TMQ.

Terrell really needs to start working out, doesn't he?

Warning! Beefcake! As part of TMQ's continuing attempt to appease female readers, here is a shirtless pose of Terrell Owens that appeared in the New York Times. Those ab muscles look like the shield of a Roman centurion! They're probably stronger, though.

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! No. 1: Trailing by a touchdown with 23 seconds left in regulation, the Squared Sevens faced fourth-and-eight at the Mouflons' 13. Since the typical NFL pass attempt averages six yards, all St. Louis had to do was play straight defense and the odds favored victory. Instead, it's a blitz! Six gentlemen cross the line, Terrell Owens is single-covered, touchdown, overtime.

San Francisco then recovered a Rams' muff of the kickoff; and with nine seconds left had the ball on its 45, holding a timeout. Quick pass down the middle into field-goal range and instant timeout, right? Cedric Wilson caught the ball at the St. Louis 30 with four seconds left. Take a knee! Form your hands into the letter T! Instead, Wilson did one of those "Look, Ma, I can dance!" routines at center field, the clock expired and San Francisco lost in overtime.

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! No. 2: Game tied at 20, the Cincinnati Fudgsicles had the Raiders facing third-and-10 beyond field-goal range. Since the typical NFL pass attempt averages six yards, all Cincinnati had to do was play straight defense and the odds favored taking the defending conference champion to overtime. Instead, it's a blitz! Eight gentlemen cross the line, a tactic TMQ had never seen before and hopes never to see again. Eight Raiders blockers take out the eight gentlemen -- this was the best blocking moment of the weekend, other than Carolina's kick blocks -- and Jerry Rice is streaking to the end zone behind everyone. Fudgsicle cornerback Artrell Hawkins grabbed Rice's jersey to prevent the easy touchdown; the interference penalty put Oakland into field-goal range; the rest was a typical Cincinnati outcome.

Worst Block: Game tied at 24 at the end of the third quarter, Atlanta faced first-and-10 at its own five against the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons. Doug Johnson dropped back. No one blitzed, but Atlanta formed the pocket all wrong, right tackle Todd Weiner turning inward while tight end Alge Crumpler turned outward, leaving an undefended lane directly to the passer. Persons' linebacker Jesse Armstead, whose assignment on the play was to cover Crumpler, saw the open lane and simply sprinted in unmolested to drop Johnson for a safety. The two points ended up as the Persons' victory margin.

Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed at All, No. 1: Trailing the Broncos, 27-10, with 10:26 left in the fourth quarter, the 'Bolts reached first-and-goal at the Denver 6-yard line. A field goal this late against a big deficit means nothing; San Diego must score a touchdown. So did the 'Bolts -- who averaged 6.7 yards per rush attempt in the game, versus 4.4 yards per pass attempt -- just pound, pound, pound the ball, especially knowing it was a four-down situation? Incompletion, run, incompletion, field goal. TMQ writes the words "game over" in his notebook.

Note to Jets' Coaches: White Reflects Sunlight: Home teams choose whether to wear their colored or white looks; visitors wear whatever's left. This is supposed to mean that for early-season or hot-weather games, the home team wears its whites, forcing the visitors to sweat in sun-absorbing colors. But on Opening Day, at home in early September in 70-percent humidity, Cincinnati debuted what TMQ now calls its Fudgsicles look -- all-black. The visiting Broncos wore comfortable whites, and pounded the Fudgsicles. This Sunday, Miami played at Jersey/B: The kickoff stats showed 79 degrees and 96-percent humidity, as if the Marine Mammals had brought their weather with them. The Jets choose to wear their greens, ceding the visitors the advantage of white jerseys.

Speaking of the Jersey/B look . . . It's 2003, Jets. When are going to fix your look? Black shoes make the Jets seem like they are trying to run through excelsior. Aircraft designers say, "looks good, flies good" -- a reason the Lockheed Martin F35 beat out the Boeing contender for the next huge Air Force program, Joint Tactical Fighter, is that the F35 is a great-looking airplane that inspires confidence in pilots, while the Boeing contender was utt-bulgy, as they say. In football, looks fast, plays fast; looks slow, plays slow. Jets, get white shoes! Even green would be better.

Clarett's Special Guest Star: A complication of the Maurice Clarett situation is that he is being advised by Jim Brown, one of the greatest NFL players ever, but one who has long been bitter against the league. Brown may be projecting his own anti-NFL feelings onto Clarett, and this is unlikely to be in Clarett's interest.

Brown believes the NFL has shunned him since he got involved in black-power politics, and there's an element of truth to this. On the other hand, nobody made Brown appear in those ridiculous blaxploitation movies, which changed his image to a goofball. Brown bears ill-will toward the NFL, and may subconsciously long to screw the league. A confrontation that results in the collapse of the draft rules would certainly have that effect, but the end result would only be to kill the golden goose for both white and African-American players. Meanwhile, someone who really had Clarett's best interests in mind would counsel him to transfer, study, keep his nose clean and step up to the NFL when his turn comes.

Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed at All, No. 2: Trailing the Packers, 14-0, on the road, the Detroit Peugeots had first-and-goal on the Green Bay 6-yard line in the second quarter. Did Detroit pound, pound, pound the ball, especially knowing that even if four straight runs failed, the Packers would be stuck on their own goal line? Rush, incompletion, dump pass for no gain, field goal; Detroit never threatened again.

The Football Gods Chortled After calling Dallas coach Bill Parcells a "homo" in the offseason -- TMQ interjected that he must have meant to say a "homo sapiens" -- in the MNF game against Parcells' Cowboys, Jeremy Shockey dropped a touchdown pass. Shockey also dropped a perfectly-thrown bomb, and made no effort to break up an interception directly in front of him.

Note to Jeremy Shockey: This is only your sophomore season and you're already wearing out your welcome. Unless a player is consistently great -- this is the Randy Moss exception -- the football gods punish vanity.

Fine Whine of the Week: Jax failed to sell out its season opener, meaning no local broadcast. The team became angry when local CBS affiliate WTEV, denied the chance to show the home team, instead aired in that time slot Dolphins at Jets, a contest with obvious Florida appeal. Jaguars management wanted WTEV to show no game at all while the Jaguars were playing. So, Jax . . . Local residents should have been punished for failing to sell out the opener? Ay caramba.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback Insider Exclusive! Tuesday Morning Quarterback has learned on an exclusive basis that 40-year-old Raiders receiver Jerry Rice has tested positive for Visine. Remember, this is a Tuesday Morning Quarterback exclusive.

Running Items Department
Obscure College Score of the Week: Linfield 49, Redlands 10. Located in McMinnville, Oregon, Linfield offers "small classes which emphasize experiential and collaborative approaches to learning." Collaborative learning -- doesn't that mean that students have to pay the tuition and then teach themselves?

One of TMQ's theories of small colleges is that somehow every one of them -- every last one -- advertises itself as highly-rated in the influential U.S. News & World Report college rankings. This can be possible because U.S. News creativity lists more categories than there are Academy Awards. Linfield's home page trumpets, "Ranked No. 1 by U.S. News!" Click to the details, and you find that Linfield finished tops in the category "Western comprehensive colleges -- bachelor's," besting Oklahoma Baptist, Texas Lutheran, Carroll, Master's College and Brigham Young of Hawaii.

Obscure College Quirk of the Week: There were three contests -- West Virginia Wesleyan 29, Lenoir-Rhyne 2; Concordia Moorhead 24, Gustavus 2; Martin Luther 16, Waldorf 2 -- in which the loser scored only a safety.

New York Times Final-Score Score Once again, the Paper of Guesses goes 0-16 in its quixotic attempt to predict an exact NFL final score, bringing the New York Times Final-Score Score to 1-865 since TMQ began tracking.

Reader Ben Auer of El Cerrito, Calif., checked last year's NFL results and found that the most common score was 23-20, which happened on nine occasions. Auer therefore suggests that the Times and anyone else attempting to predict an exact final score endlessly forecast that every game end 23-20. And it was, in fact, on a prediction of Detroit 23, Chicago 20 that the Times last season recorded the sole correct exact final score forecast in the three-plus years that TMQ has been tracking the Times' quixotic quest.

Reader Animadversion: Got a complaint or deeply-felt grievance? Register it at TMQespn@yahoo.com.

Apropos TMQ's contention that French kissing should be renamed Freedom kissing, reader Scott Charlton of Albuquerque notes that 3,000-year-old Bible book Song of Solomon says at verse 3:11,

Your lips, O my spouse,
Drip as the honeycomb;
Honey and milk are under your tongue;
And the fragrance of your garments
Is like the fragrance of Lebanon.

Charlton interprets this ancient verse as the first written record of tongue hockey, which he therefore suggests should be called Hebrew kissing.

The HMS Dreadnought weighed over 18,000 tons and featured a steam turbine powerplant that pushed the ship to a maximum speed of 21 knots.

Apropos TMQ's contention that the unsightly new Bills uniforms are dominated by a color that should be called Nineteenth Century Rusting Russian Dreadnought Aft Bulkhead Cyanic, a truly spooky number of readers -- including Jennifer Clarke of Fort Lauderdale -- knew that the HMS Dreadnought, which gave the class of warships its name, was not christened until 1906.

Many readers, including Eric Meyerson of San Francisco, protested TMQ's assertion that the politics of sometime-football voices Dennis Miller and Rush Limbaugh "roughly cancel each other out, netting Pat Summerall." Meyerson wrote, "Miller has turned his politics around 180 degrees, and now performs at George W. Bush fundraisers." See this story.

Reader Christopher Randolph of Glenn Dale, Maryland, wrote asking for more African-American cheerleader photos. He laments in haiku,

TMQ softcore
lacks enough integration;
More chocolate cheerbabes!
-- Christopher Randolph

I've got the high ground here, because this request came in just after this September column featured a black Cheerleader of the Week. But anyway, see above.

Last Week's Challenge: Apropos the numerous television shows and movies in which characters at secret military installations or aboard starcruisers crawl through air shafts large enough to accommodate paddlewheel riverboats -- reader Jimmy Fleck noted Obi Wan and Qui Jon scramble into an enormous air shaft to escape droids on the Trade Federation flagship in Star Wars Episode One -- TMQ asked if any reader had ever really crawled through an air shaft.

Reader Evan from New Orleans, a test-and-balance technician, writes, "You can in some instances crawl inside an air shaft. The problem is not the size but that it can't support the weight," since air shafts are usually made of thin ductwork. Evan recommends this site, which contains voluminous technical information on the proper construction of air shafts.

Reader Bill Z., who has worked in the heating and AC industry since 1976, cautions, "Do not crawl inside ducting. The inside of ducting is usually coated with insulation, has numerous sharp pins and edges, and square ducts have 'turning vanes,' essentially a rack of airplane-like wings that help air turn through corners without losing speed. You can also run into AC coils, large fans and other machinery."

Reader Bob Mulks of New Jersey says he and some friends actually crawled through an air shaft in the abandoned Capitol Theater of Passaic, New Jersey: "The main shaft took us out over the stage and about 10 rows out into the theatre, but 40 feet up! We were standing on thin aluminum that we could feel sway. Not a pleasant experience." Reader Coray Seifert of New Jersey says he and some friends actually crawled through an air shaft in the abandoned North Princeton Psychiatric Hospital. So -- it's Jersey, it's a Saturday night. Let's get some beer, find an abandoned building and crawl through an air shaft.

Reader Justin Favela of Riverside, California, once entered an air shaft aboard the USS Nimitz -- an aircraft carrier that is slightly bigger than Patriots DT Ted Washington -- to perform a wiring repair. "I can't say I was really crawling, though. I was more stuffed in and pulled out by my co-workers," Favela reports.

We'd follow Jennifer Garner into an air shaft any time.

Vince Keenan of Seattle notes that the International Spy Museum in Washington, D.C., has, as an exhibit, a large air shaft that museum-goers can crawl through, just like in secret-agent movies. It's even padded. "For my money, nobody does the air-shaft crawl shimmy like Jennifer Garner on TV's 'Alias'," Keenan proffers. "Please feel free to run a photo."

And the winner is Ryan Brown of Pittsburgh, who reports, "My friends and I recently went down to Washington, DC. My friend Katie kept mentioning how she always wanted to climb into an air shaft -- she didn't have a reason, it was just a lifetime goal of hers. After a day of exploring the city, we eventually came to an accessible air shaft and she satisfied her goal. A picture of this experience can be found here." This, it turns out, is the air shaft exhibit at the Spy Museum. Supposedly, picture-taking is banned there, but do the Spy Museum's managers seriously think that a highly-trained operative, equipped with the right miniature camera, can be stopped? Meanwhile -- a woman whose lifetime goal was to crawl through an air shaft! She'd be popular in New Jersey.

This Week's Challenge: Propose names and flavors of ice creams for NFL players or personalities. Submit your witty concepts to TMQespn@yahoo.com.

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 8:51 PM

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Near naked and not complaining
By Gregg Easterbrook
Page 2 columnist

BRISTOL, Conn. -- Publisher John Skipper today unveiled the first nude lapdancer issue of ESPN The Magazine, available in stores everywhere on Earth The Planet.

"This is the logical progression of events in magazine marketing," Skipper said. "First Sports Illustrated started its swimsuit issue, rationalized by the fact that female athletes compete in swimsuits. Then, in 2003, National Geographic published a swimsuit issue, rationalized by the fact that mega-babes were photographed draped across rocks or near trees, which are part of nature. We noticed that big-screen sports is often playing in some of your finer topless and exotic-dance clubs, so that gave us a legitimate editorial reason to publish the first annual nude lapdancer issue."

It all began innocently enough in 1964 with a skin diver's guide to the Caribbean. Emphasis on skin.

ESPN personnel fanned out across the country to visit some of your finer striptease and exotic-dance clubs and identify women eligible for the issue, using a rigorous criteria based on appearance, height, ability to maintain balance in six-inch heels, 40-yard dash times and reps of 225 pounds. Skipper said that having ESPN The Magazine full of naked women was sure to be controversial, but clearly related to sports, since every woman had lap-danced for at least one NFL, NBA or MLB player.

A spokeswoman for Sports Illustrated, which started the swimsuit-issue fad, called the ESPN The Magazine nude lapdancer issue "crass exploitation, nothing like our tasteful magic-glasses issue." This year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit number features mega-babes wearing special swimsuits that disappear when the reader puts on magic glasses. (Glasses sold separately.) A spokesman for National Geographic called the ESPN nude-lapdancer edition "unbelievable pandering, nothing like our tasteful topless hiking issue." This year's National Geographic swimsuit issue features mega-babes hiking through the Peruvian rainforest wearing nothing above the waist but backpacks.

A spokeswoman for Foreign Policy magazine called the ESPN nude-lapdancer issue "cheap sensationalism, nothing like our tasteful hot diplomats in bondage issue." This year's Foreign Policy magazine swimsuit number features scantily clad women, bound and gagged, tied to chairs at the United Nations' Security Council. A spokesman for Reader's Digest called the ESPN The Magazine nude lapdancer issue "extremely gratuitous, nothing like our tasteful 'Girls of the PTA' issue." This year's Reader's Digest swimsuit issue features alluring elementary-school teachers grading homework in lingerie.

Page 2's Swimsuit Edition

Trying to sneak a peak at the SI swimsuit issue without getting in trouble? Eric Neel has some helpful advice.
SI undressed: Jeff Merron tracks down the stories behind the photos.
Photo gallery: Yes, we have our own revealing swimsuit edition that you won't want to miss!
National Geographic just put out a swimsuit edition as well. We're hearing other mags may jump on the bandwagon.
Vote for your favorite Sports Illustrated cover girl.

Dancers for the first annual nude lapdancer edition of ESPN The Magazine were photographed by famous photographers in exotic locations of particular interest to sports enthusiasts, such as the Rose Bowl parking lot, the tunnels of Lambeau Field, McSorley's Tavern in Manhattan and lounging by the fuel-rods cooling pool of the Millstone atomic reactor station, located in Waterford, Connecticut, which supplies the electricity for ESPN headquarters.

OK, so I'm exaggerating, but not by much. In 1964, Sports Illustrated placed itself at the cutting edge of cheesecake technology by declaring the fact that women wear swimsuits during competitive swimming events justifies a mega-babes swimsuit issue in a general-interest sports magazine -- not that anything worn in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue would stay on during actual competitive swimming.

Over the years the suits have gotten smaller, the breasts more augmented, the photographic premises more strained -- coral reefs, the source of the Nile -- and the pretense of relationship to sports has declined. This year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue adopts a jokey self-mocking tone and drops the pretense altogether, with the entire issue being near-naked babes. A few babe wives photographed with their professional jock husbands represents the closest thing to sports coverage in 220 pages.

Did I say coverage? Sorry, poor choice of words.

"Near naked," meanwhile, is the choice of words that models and photographers actually use for the kinds of poses in the new Sports Illustrated ... not, of course, that I am complaining. Most of the models wear triangle tops and high-cut or thong-style bottoms that leave only a few square centimeters covered ... not, of course, that I am complaining!

Sports trivia: Is this photo of Catharine Bell in this year's SI swimsuit edition?

Actually, lately even "near naked" has not been near to naked enough. Last fall, tomato actress Catherine Bell posed for FHM magazine in a minimalist bikini with her thumbs hooked around the bottom strap as if she were just about to strip. This year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover model, the luscious Petra Nemcova, poses untying the strap on her bikini bottoms. Inside the issue, model Ana Beatriz Barros poses in almost nothing, and she's starting to pull down the bottom nothing. Can a Page 2 porn starlet picture feature really be that farfetched? (Yes, but only because we'd have to pay the models.)

This year's locations: Kenya, Turkey, the Florida Keys, trout streams of Colorado, Barbados, Grenada, a racetrack and, I am not making this up, Vietnam. And Ho Chi Minh thought he won that war! Little sidebar features tout the lavish five-star resorts that Sports Illustrated staff stayed in while shooting at the exotic locales -- now we know the real reason AOL Time Warner profits have plunged. (Thus, another reason the Page 2 porn starlet picture feature really is farfetched -- resort hotel bills.)

This year's best cutting-edge-of-cheesecake-technology views: model Reka Ebergenyi in a Kenyan expedition tent wearing nothing but underpants and a man's safari shirt quite widely spread; near-naked babe sports star wife Debbie Clemens posing with a baseball bat; and model Molly Sims, shot from behind, fly-fishing topless in Colorado. Why, the next thing you know some crass, exploitive network will actually broadcast a show premised on mega-babes in bikinis doing deep-sea fishing! No, that's way too far-fetched.

Even the advertising for the Sports Illustrated issue has gone swimsuit. Numerous ads specially prepared for the edition feature bikini babes. Miller Lite binds into the issue a multi-page foldout which opens into a pinup poster of very well endowed model Sofia Vergara. There are seven total views of Vergara in the fold-out, which means a total of 14 ... oh, never mind. There's even a (non-swimsuit) ad for ESPN The Channel, broadcast using Microwaves The Force of Nature. So Sports Illustrated accepts advertising for ESPN? Well, it's a slack economy.

Plus there's a article on body painting -- a serious journalistic look at body painting -- recalling Sports Illustrated's famed photo of model Heidi Klum in nothing but body paint. Maybe body painting will become the next Olympic sport. Who at the International Olympic Committee would we pay off to arrange that?

And for your shopping convenience, there is a two-page index explaining where to buy any of the swimsuits shown in the issue, setting aside that there are perhaps 5,000 women in the entire world who can wear these suits, which would seem to limit the tie-in marketing somewhat. A few weeks ago, I estimated that the material in the micro bikinis featured in the surfer-babe movie "Blue Crush" cost $390 per pound. These suits are even smaller, and thus even more expensive per pound.

Not that I'm complaining!

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 7:11 PM

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LeBron-gate
By Gregg Easterbrook
Page 2 columnist

A high-school referee who posed for a photograph with schoolboy basketball star LeBron James after a game Saturday night is being investigated for the incident by the group that oversees officials for the sport. Bloomberg News, February 10, 2003

THE WHITE HOUSE, February 10, 2007 -- President Arianna Huffington resigned today amid controversy over revelations that she had once passed the butter to schoolboy basketball phenomenon LeBron James during a dinner. "I received bad legal advice," President Huffington complained, noting she consulted three attorneys before passing the butter to James at a charity event in Ohio in February 2003. Two of the lawyers told her that handing butter to a high-school athlete would not violate Ohio amateur athletic rules, while the third advised her to consult a federal judge before touching the salt or pepper. The Ohio High School Athletic Association later ruled that because butter has value, schoolboy athletes are forbidden to eat it -- or anything.

"We have subpoenaed LeBron's babysitter, who reportedly gave him animal crackers."
President Huffington resigned moments after the Cable Newschannel Filler Division of the federal Office of the Permanent Temporary Prosecutor issued a 24,542-page report on its two-year, $696 million investigation into allegations of Huffington's involvement with LeBron James. Permanent Temporary Prosecutor Kenneth Starr called the case "especially shocking, because there was no pretty young woman involved whose sex life I could pry into."

President Huffington becomes the latest in a long line of coaches, referees, administrators, physicians, agents, investors, owners, humanitarian aid workers, Catholic bishops and justices of the Supreme Court to be fined, fired, forced to resign or jailed for brief brushes with James.

It began in 2003, when James' own mother was investigated for buying him a car. Then James was briefly suspended from high-school play for accepting two souvenir jerseys in return for posing for a photograph. In February 2003, the International Association of Approved Basketball Officials, citing an "unwritten policy," sanctioned referee Tony Celantano for having his picture taken with James following a tournament game. "We take violations of unwritten policy very seriously, especially when officials violate the exact wording of our unwritten policy," a spokesman for the International Association of Approved Basketball Officials said at the time. As punishment, Celantano was forced to watch a DVD of the movie "Men in Black II."

From that point, incidents regarding James became more common. A deli clerk was fired for putting extra cheese on James's steak-and-cheese but not charging him extra. His high-school coach was permanently banished from Ohio coaching when it was revealed he had given James a ride home once when practice ran late. An academic tutor who had urged James to pay more attention to homework was fined a month's pay. Since good grades help a student get into college, advising James to do homework constituted "transfer of an item of value or emolument," the Ohio High School Athletic Association ruled. A pediatrician lost her medical license after it was revealed that, after giving James a vaccination when he was six years old, she handed him a lollipop. Once James walked up to a stranger on the street Cincinnati and said, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" When the man told him the time, he was immediately seized by police and dragged away.

Many college administrators expressed relief that James chose to forgo NCAA play and went directly to the National Basketball Association, as an entire university athletic department might have ended up fired owing to him. NCAA rules state at Section 8, Subsection 14, Paragraph Six:

Under no circumstances may any NCAA basketball scholarship athlete accept any cash or item of value that creates the appearance of a conflict of interest.

Taking cash or items of value is perfectly fine so long as no one finds out about it. Take all you want. It's the appearance we are concerned about!

Also, attending class is absolutely forbidden at all times. Division 1-A basketball athletes are subject to random literacy testing. Any athlete passing a random literacy test will immediately be expelled from school.

A police officer prepares to arrest anyone that accepts LeBron's autograph.
As for Huffington, she was swept into office in November 2004 after leading a campaign of popular protest against the General Motors Abrams, a 70-ton SUV based on the M1 Abrams main battle tank of the United States Army. The Abrams SUV was an instant hit with buyers, but caused problems such as blockage of intersections and interstate highways, collapse of bridges and inadvertent crushing of drivers' homes. Also, drivers found it difficult to see out of the Abrams periscope, though the eight-screen "multiplex cinema" entertainment systems, couples massage suites and tennis courts inside Abrams SUVs scored well in consumer testing.

Widespread use of the Abram SUVs entered the phrase "gallons per mile" into the national lexicon. Detroit spokesmen characterized this as inevitable. Obtaining petroleum for the Abrams SUV has not been difficult, owing to the recent admission of Iraq into the Union as the 51st state. Critics continue to object, however, that Iraqi oil may be contaminated by residual radiation from the uninhabited regions formerly known as Israel and Palestine.

Huffington became the first female president, the first major-party presidential candidate to give a nomination acceptance speech on "Larry King Live" and the first president to plant biomass crops in the Rose Garden. Her decision to invade Belgium constituted a breakthrough in United States-European relations, since all other Western European nations strongly supported the action. Her administration was dogged by controversy, however, beginning when she was caught backstage making out with Vice President Denzel Washington moments after they took the Oath of Office. Republicans were shocked; Democratic party officials expressed relief that it was not with Hillary Clinton. Later, President Huffington was criticized for naming Kenneth Lay to head the United States Olympic Committee.

Speaking from the federal minimum security facility in Allenwood, Pennsylvania, former president George W. Bush -- Bush left office and was jailed in "Upgrade-Gate," after it was revealed he had once accepted a free airline upgrade but not listed the value of the upgrade on financial disclosure forms -- said of Huffington's resignation, "This great nation must stop persecuting public officials for their private foibles. Really, aren't our official decisions bad enough?"

LeBron James, who was the first player chosen in the 2003 NBA draft, went on to be league MVP in his rookie year, as he guided the Los Angeles Clippers to the championship title and sole undefeated season in NBA history. He retired at age 19, discovered a cure for cancer, negotiated the peaceful reunification of the Koreas and then ascended directly to a higher plane of existence. James has not been seen, though millions of followers contend they can hear his instructions through boom-boxes, and refer to him as Baba Baha LeBron.

Gregg Easterbrook is a senior editor of New Republic, a contributing editor of The Atlantic Monthly and a visiting fellow at the Brookings Institution. He is believed to be the first Brookings scholar ever to write a pro football column. You can buy his book, "The Here and Now" here ... and now.

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 7:20 PM

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Derelict predictions
By Gregg Easterbrook
Page 2 columnist

How sportswriters and TV broadcasters love to dash off NFL predictions, confident no one will remember what they foretold. Tuesday Morning Quarterback remembers. I have a mind like a steel vault -- that is, rusty -- but also write these things down. Welcome to my annual Bad Predictions Review.

Bad Predictions, Category One: Category One is offseason predictions, and "off" is the operative word.

ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli was early to the gate with his offseason prediction that the Bengals are a franchise "with more talent than people perceive." This is rather like saying "J-Lo sings better than people think" or that Merrill Lynch stock analysts have "more integrity than people perceive." Pasquarelli certainly was not the only one touting the Bengals in the offseason. Chris Berman of ESPN named Cincinnati his "sleeper" team of the year. Perhaps Berman meant to say his "sedentary fossilized" team of the year, as the Bengals finished with the worst record in the league.

Vinnie Iyer of The Sporting News declared in the offseason that "no team did more to improve its defense than the Cowboys." The Cowboys defense plummeted from fourth-ranked in 2001 to 18th-ranked in 2002. Iyer further predicted that "Terry Glenn is an early candidate for Comeback Player of the Year" -- sure, and Howard Dean is an early candidate for Democratic nomination for president. Also, "the Chiefs have the talent to sneak away with the AFC West." The Chiefs finished last.

Dan Pompei of The Sporting News joined the early-predictions swirl by declaring that Miami's signing of tackle Leon Searcy "will be one of the steals of the offseason." Searcy was cut in training camp.

Dr. Z of Sports Illustrated devoted an offseason column to predicting Dwight Freeney would end up with more sacks than Julius Peppers. This turned out to be right, but Z couldn't resist predicting exactly how many sacks both gentlemen would record, and both predictions were wrong. It's one thing to predict that Player A will be better than Player B, quite another to predict that A will rush for 137 more yards than B. Trying to predict exact player season statistics is like those global warming computer models that try to predict what the atmospheric pressure will be in La Paz, Bolivia, at 10 a.m. on March 22nd in the year 2365 -- when no one can predict what the weather will be next Tuesday.

Jon Kitna
Shhh! You wouldn't want to wake Jon Kitna and the sleeping Bengals.
Bob McCollough of MSNBC warned in the offseason that "the Dolphins face an early playoff exit." Very early, since Miami failed to make the postseason. McCollough foresaw that the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons would win 10 games; they won seven. McCollough forecast Kansas City would be the first team in the AFC West to win nine games (K.C. won eight), but that after winning nine games, the Chiefs would be "knocked back" to a .500 record. This is one of TMQ's all-time favorite bad predictions, since it is impossible for an NFL team to have nine victories and a .500 record.

Peter King of Sports Illustrated declared during the offseason that Buffalo would make the playoffs (the Bills did not), and that St. Louis would be the NFL's top team. King was hardly alone in touting the Mouflons, who finished with a losing record. Pete Prisco of CBS Sportsline had St. Louis his No. 1 club, declaring, "The Super Bowl hangover will drive this team." Well, at least St. Louis played as if it had a hangover.

Hmm, What Realistic Premise Could Justify a Movie About Wet Cheerleaders? Many readers including Maya Gutierrez of Laguna Beach, Calif., have pointed out that TMQ missed a flimsy excuse for the ESPN.com art department to ad cheesecake to the column by failing to praise the surfer-babe movie "Blue Crush." Maya, it's never too late for a flimsy excuse for cheesecake!

Surely "Blue Crush" was the date-night movie of the year, since double-Xs could appreciate the plot, which concerned a woman's attempt to break into the male-dominated realm of competition surfing, while their YX escorts could focus in on the crucial detail that most of the movie features wet bikini scenes. Mega-babe and real-world competitive surfer Sanoe Lake, who appeared in the film, told interviewers that during real-world surfing her top often comes off. Why was this critical realistic detail missing from the movie?

Michelle Rodriguez, Kate Bosworth, Sanoe Lake
Page 2 doesn't just show photos from "Blue Crush" -- we do entire stories on the movie.
The surfer-gear shop Pacsun.com now sells triangle-top suits inspired by "Blue Crush." Check a representative sample here. Note that it's $73 for a micro swimsuit containing perhaps three ounces of material -- not that TMQ is complaining -- which makes these bikinis $390 a pound.

Bad Predictions, Category Two: Then there are predictions that turn on the word "could." A lot of things "could" happen. North Korea could become paradise on Earth. An alluring woman could invite me to ride in her limousine. (Oscar Goodman, mayor of Las Vegas, said the Super Bowl ad that the NFL vetoed wasn't about gambling but rather about "an alluring woman on a limousine ride through Las Vegas.") George W. Bush could be misunderestimated.

Before the season, Chris Mortenson of ESPN declared the Bengals "could make a playoff run." ESPN.com's Greg Garber foresaw that the Bills "could rise to the top." Peter King of Sports Illustrated predicted Keyshawn Johnson and Keenan McCardell of the Bucs "could" both make the Pro Bowl; neither did. Pete Prisco said the Bills "could move up in a hurry" while one or the other of the Bengals and Cowboys "could" make the playoffs. Pro Football Weekly declared the Patriots "could make another playoff run, or fall flat." That about covered it. ("And in Wall Street news, stocks could rise or fall, unless they remain unchanged.")

David Carr
Try telling David Carr that the Texans "could" have made the playoffs.
Best of this group: Sporting News devoted an entire preseason article to predicting the expansion Texans "could" make the playoffs.

Disclaimer of the Week: If you look up a route with the Yahoo driving-directions utility, at the bottom of the page this insight appears: "When using any driving directions or map, it's a good idea to do a reality check and make sure the road still exists." Please, don't sue Yahoo if you drive on a road that does not exist.

Bad Predictions, Category Three: Now it gets interesting: predictions made on the eve of the season start.

ESPN The Magazine's preseason forecast said that the Broncos, Dolphins and Rams would win their divisions; none even made the playoffs. Meanwhile, TMQ The Columnist still doesn't understand why this publication is not just ESPN Magazine. Or go the other way and make it ESPN The Company, a division of Disney The Conglomerate, located on Earth The Planet. ("ESPN The Magazine, Published on Earth The Planet.")

The New York Times ran a group forecast in which four sportswriters made dueling predictions of the final standings. Three of the four Times predictors had the Persons in the postseason; San Diego, Chicago, Miami, Kansas City and New England were all non-qualifiers the Times projected for the playoffs. The four Times sports nuts were unanimous on the Rams winning their division; St. Louis did not make the postseason. Times chief football writer Thomas George forecast that neither the Raiders nor Bucs would make the playoffs. They were, of course, the Super Bowl pair.

Deion Branch
"We also predict Deion Branch will eat Cheerios on the morning of the big game."
King of Sports Illustrated forecast the Bills to finish 8-8, just a few weeks after predicting they would make the playoffs. He predicted New England would take the AFC East over Miami via tiebreaker -- which seems another fit of excessive specifics but wildly, the Pats would have taken the division over Miami via tiebreaker had the Jets lost to Green Bay on the final day of the season. King then added a ridiculous specific-player prediction, that the Patriots would beat the Marine Mammals on the season's last day on a touchdown pass to Deion Branch. Branch had no receptions in that game. Yeah, someone actually took issue with that prediction, and it was TMQ.

Stretching prophesy toward Delphic highs, King forecast, even before the season began, the pairings and results of all playoff games. He divined that the wild-card round would be Cleveland over Tennessee, Jersey/B over Oakland, Tampa over the Persons and the Niners over the Eagles; the divisional round would be Cleveland over Pittsburgh, New England over Jersey/B, Green Bay over Tampa and the Rams over the Niners; the championships would be New England over Cleveland and St. Louis over Green Bay. Ten projected games -- all wrong!

Sports Illustrated's Dr. Z dueled his colleague King with a second attempt to forecast in advance every playoff game. The doctor predicted a wild-card round of Packers over Bears, Niners over Eagles, Dolphins over Raiders and Patriots over Colts; a divisional round of Rams over Packers, Bucs over Niners, Dolphins over Titans and Steelers over Patriots; a championship round of Rams over Bucs and Steelers over Dolphins. One of 10 actually right! (Bucs over Niners in divisional.) In compiling prediction lists, TMQ has learned that one-fer-10 is spectacular success by the standards of preseason forecasting.

Then there was the incredible ESPN.com meta-forecast. ESPN.com broke all records and bested all comers by having an astonishing 17 assorted experts forecast every aspect of NFL outcomes.

Did any one of the 17 ESPN.com meta-forecasters call all division winners correctly? Nein; the ESPN.com meta-forecast went oh-for-17 on that score. How did ESPN.com do on calling the conference champs? Terrible, too. Here were the ESPN.com NFC and AFC champion forecasts: Rams (10 votes), Steelers (eight votes), Niners (three votes), Titans (three votes), Jets (two votes), Eagles (two votes), Colts (two votes), Pats (one vote), Packers (one vote), Raiders (one vote). Not one single ESPN.com expert forecast City of Tampa to win the NFC, and just one of the 17 ESPN.com powerful insiders correctly forecast the Raiders as AFC champs.

The ESPN.com gentleman who did call the Raiders, and sees all and knows all, was NFL editor James C. Black. Though Black was wrong about practically everything else; he had the Dolphins, Rams and Vikings in the playoffs, and Mike Tice as Coach of the Year. Also in the ESPN.com meta-forecast, not one but two insiders -- Merrill Hoge and Russell Baxter -- predicted Dick LeBeau to be Coach of the Year. LeBeau's team went 2-14, and he was fired seconds after the season concluded.

Kurt Warner
Kurt Warner's Rams were a popular Super Bowl pick ... popular and very wrong.
In his preseason preview, Prisco of CBS Sportsline foresaw Kurt Warner as MVP, the Broncos, Saints and Rams as division winners (all failed to make the playoffs) and the Bengals and Cowboys as wild-card teams (both failed to make the playoffs). Prisco said "the surprise team in the NFC" would be the New Orleans Boy Scouts; they surprised only him, by staying home. And Prisco takes the trophy in this category for his canny prediction that the "biggest disappointment" of the season would be the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. "There are simply too many questions for Jon Gruden to fix," Prisco prophesied.

How Am I Supposed to Satire This? National Geographic magazine will publish its first swimsuit issue. The cover, depicting a luscious young mega-babe whose breasts are only marginally covered by a sea-shell top, represents "nature, because they are sea shells," a magazine spokesperson told the Washington Post. Look for these other upcoming magazine covers:

Foreign Affairs: "The Girls of the State Department."

Journal of the American Medical Association: "Tan Lines: A Pictorial Analysis."

For female readers:

Architectural Digest: "Who Will Be the Next Joe Millionaire? Construction Workers Shed Their Shirts."

Sorry, I can't go on with this, except to say that since National Geographic is run by a tax-exempt foundation, the people who are working hard to produce honest, law-abiding free-market cheesecake now must compete with federally subsidized near-naked mega-babes.

Bad Predictions, Category Four: Then there's the midseason forecast. It's one thing to be way off when calling results before anything is known; to be way off when calling results after eight games have been played takes special flair.

At midseason, Allan Barra, sports columnist for the Wall Street Journal -- one of history's odder job descriptions -- predicted that the division winners would include Denver, New England and New Orleans. All failed to make the playoffs; remember, the prediction came halfway through the season, with 50 percent of game outcomes already known. Barra also declared there was no point in forecasting which team would take the AFC North because "No matter who wins they're going to lose in the first round of playoffs." Pittsburgh, the AFC North champion, won in the first round of the playoffs.

At midseason, Barra further divined that the Super Bowl winner would come from this group: the Broncs, Bolts, Saints, Dolphins, Eagles, Packers, Bucs and Niners. Aside from the fact that four of the eight did not even make the playoffs, what sophisticated system was used to single out these teams? They had the eight best records on the day the column was published! Barra added that he could "pretty much guarantee" that Cleveland, the Jets, the Colts, the Giants, the Falcons, Oakland and Tennessee would not make the playoffs. All did, with Oakland advancing to the Super Bowl.

Bill Parcells
Bill is also not picking the D-Rays and Expos to meet in the World Series.
In a similar feat of midseason clairvoyance, Bill Parcells declared in November that "circumstances would lead you to believe that there's very little chance" that Carolina, Cincinnati, Chicago, Dallas, Houston, Minnesota or Seattle could make the playoffs. What circumstances would "lead you to believe" this? The teams were a combined 15-41, all cellar-dwellers, when Parcells made his bold forecast. Is this the kind of canny insider's grasp of football Parcells now brings to Dallas? Come to think of it, by recent Cowboys standards this is canny insider grasp of football.

Barra of the Wall Street Journal came back at the end of December to declare that City of Tampa possessed "the best defense in the history of the NFL," making it a sure Super Bowl winner. Oakland, Barra declared, was the only Super Bowl-quality AFC club -- never mind that one month before, Barra said the Raiders would miss the postseason -- but the Raiders "can't stay on the field long" against Tampa. Hmmm, maybe Barra really does see the football future.

Then, having in late December called the Bucs the best defensive team ever, in his January columns Barra strangely waffled, saying Tampa merely "may well have one of the best" defenses. What, exactly, had happened to the Bucs defense in just a couple of weeks? And in late December having said the Bucs would win the Super Bowl, come January, Barra proceeded to predict Tampa would lose to the Niners in the divisional, lose to the Eagles in the NFC Championship Game and to lose to Oakland in the Super Bowl by the exact final score of Raiders 23, Bucs 16.

Barra claims to be in possession of an incredibly scientifically advanced computer program that allows him to predict game results. His incredibly scientifically advanced computer said Oakland would win the Super Bowl because Tampa would be incapable of running against the Raiders' line. The Bucs gained 150 yards rushing. Also, Barra's incredibly scientifically advanced computer said Oakland would jump to a quick lead, forcing the Bucs' slo-mo offense to play catch-up. It was Tampa 34, Oakland 3 in the third quarter.

Act Before Midnight Tonight and Get a Sierra Club Sticker for Your SUV: Join the Sierra Club and you actually will receive -- a free backpack! That offer appeared in TMQ's mailbox the other day, of a Sierra Club backpack "not just for trailblazing" but with "rugged good looks at home on the city streets." Surely this recognizes the reality that few contemporary Sierra Club members actually hike anywhere, they just want other people to think they do: just as Sierra Club members never actually drive their SUVs off-road, but want people to think they do.

Delightfully, the Sierra Club does not allow prospective new members to complete this offer on the Web, which would save precious resources. You've got to mail in the dead-trees application form, which came to my house enfolded in about 15 pages of sales materials. Which means Sierra Club bulk junk mail is now being tossed into the trash all across America.

Bad Predictions, Category Five: Reserved for TMQ's own bad predictions. This column has often warned of its motto, All Predictions Wrong or Your Money Back. Tuesday Morning Quarterback on ESPN.com is free, get it? So that if somehow one of my predictions was actually right, you would receive -- oh, never mind.

Miller Lite catfight
Until TMQ starts calling his shots, these ladies are out of reach.
At any rate, TMQ's central prediction for the year was that the team goin' to DisneyWorld would come from among the group that did not appear on Monday Night Football. I've made the same prediction four consecutive seasons, and been right the previous three times -- Rams, Ravens, Patriots. If I could call long-shots at the track or Powerball this well, I really would be riding around Vegas in a limo with an alluring woman. (Umm, actually I'd hire two; maybe the mega-babes from the Miller Lite "Catfight" ad.) But my prediction whiffed this year. Falcons at Eagles was as far into the postseason as a non-MNF team advanced. Raiders and Bucs were both Monday Night babies.

Next, since it has been the recent pattern for almost every division winner to fail to repeat the following year, I predicted that only two of last season's six division winners would repeat. Instead three did -- Philadelphia, Pittsburgh and Oakland -- so TMQ whiffed there, too.

Finally, under intense pressure from ESPN corporate management -- which promised me free ESPN Zone tokens and never delivered -- I forecast the final records of all 32 NFL teams, which seems to me more challenging than just forecasting who makes the playoffs.

Let's see, TMQ's Sept. 3 column forecast that the Oakland Raiders would finish 11-5 -- exactly as they did. TMQ was also exactly right in forecasting the final records of the Eagles, Chargers and Seahawks. I was one game off in guessing the final records of the Cardinals, Ravens, Cowboys, Broncos, Lions, Packers, Colts, Jaguars, Chiefs, Dolphins, Jets, Saints, Steelers, Titans and Persons. That means I predicted the final records of 18 of the league's 32 teams either exactly, or within one game -- which, I submit, is none shabby. The teams I was totally wrong about were the Bears (off by seven games) and Rams (off by five games).

Of course, I would not be reminding you of this if I had not done so well. What was my incredible insider secret? Blind luck.

Ontologically, the Solipsism of Her Esculent Navel Tergiversates into Desuetude, Don't Ya Think? "Our readers are interested in a sophisticated exegesis of a sociological phenomenon like that." New York Times editor Howell Raines rationalizing his super-respectable newspaper devoting a front-page article to the latest repackaging of Britney Spears.

Bad Predictions, Category Six: Now let's turn to who predicted whom would meet under the F18s in San Diego.

USA Today in various preseason previews ran no fewer than five Super Bowl projections: Steelers over Rams, Eagles over Steelers, Raiders over Eagles, Packers over Titans, Packers over Steelers. All wrong! And of 10 chances to predict a Super Bowl qualifier, the paper got only one correct.

The Washington Post predicted New England over Atlanta. Wrong!

Frank Easterbrook, federal appeals court judge and an Official Brother of TMQ, predicted San Diego vs. New Orleans. Wrong! Plus, neither made the playoffs.

ESPN's on-air folks predicted Packers over Titans (Sterling Sharpe), Niners over Broncos (Steve Young), Packers over New England (Bills Parcells), Rams over Titans (Tom Jackson) and New England over Philadelphia (Chris Berman). All wrong! Plus four of ESPN's on-air predicted 10 Super Bowl qualifiers failed to make the playoffs.

Dr. Z of Sports Illustrated predicted Rams over Steelers, while Peter King of the same outfit predicted Rams over Pats. All wrong! Plus, neither of King's predicted Super Bowl qualifiers made the playoffs.

Jay Glazer of CBS Sportsline predicted Niners over Titans, Pete Prisco of the same outfit Rams over Jets. All wrong! NFL Insider, in a quasi-official prediction posted on the league's own website, offered a 10-segment meta-prediction: Steelers over Rams (predicted twice), Rams over Steelers (predicted twice), Packers over Steelers, Eagles over Steelers, Rams over Oakland, Niners over Oakland, Colts over Tampa, Packers over Colts. All wrong!

Steve Spurrier
We hope Steve Spurrier didn't clear space in the trophy case for that Coach of the Year award.
The New York Times offered four predictions: Rams over Jets (predicted twice), Rams over Steelers, Steelers over Eagles. All wrong! The Sporting News -- which predicted Steve Spurrier as Coach of the Year -- forecast Rams over Steelers. Wrong!

The CBS on-air broadcasters forecast Rams vs. Steelers (Deion Sanders, wrong), Steelers vs. Eagles (Dan Marino, wrong), Packers vs. Colts (Boomer Esiason, wrong) and Raiders vs. Bucs (Jim Nantz). To TMQ's knowledge, Nantz was the sole person in the entire space-time continuum of the local star cluster to foretell a Raiders versus Bucs Super Bowl. Note to anyone else who might have predicted Raiders-Bucs before the season started; remember, this is the annual bad predictions review.

Then there was the Chris Mortenson dividing-cell constantly-mutating Super Bowl forecast. In his preseason preview, Mortenson forecast Packers vs. Steelers. Then, at different points in the season, he changed his forecast to Raiders vs. Eagles, Packers vs. Broncos, Packers vs. Raiders, back to Steelers vs. Packers, Packers vs. "Don't Know," and Bucs vs. Raiders. This last was forecast on Nov. 26; later, Mortenson changed his prediction away from Bucs vs. Raiders to other different pairings. TMQ's guessing that Chris Mortenson has now been caught saying at least to his mirror, if not in public, "See? I predicted Raiders vs. Bucs!" But Mortenson forecast at least seven Super Bowl pairings that TMQ saw, maybe more on the air. At best he's one-fer-seven.

Finally the incredible 17-person ESPN.com meta-forecast projected Rams over Steelers (predicted four times), Titans over Rams (predicted twice), Rams over Colts (predicted twice), Steelers over Rams, Steelers over Packers, Steelers over Eagles, Steelers over Niners, Rams over Jets, Rams over Pats, Jets over Niners, Raiders over Eagles, Niners over Titans. All wrong! And of 34 chances ESPN.com's team had to forecast a Super Bowl qualifier, just one was correct.

Swelling Music Plays: The clichés, cheap shots and recycled jokes in this column are intended for the private use of the audience. All snide references are the property of Tuesday Morning Quarterback and cannot be reused or rebroadcast without the express written consent of the United Nations Security Council.

Condoleezza Rice
"Saddam Hussein copied my Super Bowl pick!"
Bad Predictions, Category Seven The seventh and final category is predictions once the Super Bowl contestants are known. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice picked the Raiders. Fun note: last week the National Security Advisor accused Saddam Hussein of plagiarism. That's worth a cruise missile right there! Suppose the inspectors catch him cheating at Yahtzee, will the bombing begin immediately?

The incredible Harmon Forecast, which boasts that it uses an incredibly scientifically advanced mathematical formula to "pick winners correctly between 72 and 78 percent of the time," forecast an exact final of Oakland 26, Tampa 21. For the 2001 season, the incredible Harmon Forecast was actually right only 63 percent of the time, and this is picking straight up, not against the spread. The Harmon Forecast continues to claim it is correct "between 72 and 78 percent of the time," and has solved the embarrassing track-record problem by ceasing to publish its cumulative performance, so no one has any idea how it did.

The joint CNN-Sports Illustrated website offered five dueling exact final score predictions, all wrong. A few clairvoyance highlights. "There is no Buccaneer who can make a game-breaking difference:" B. Duane Cross. "The key to the game will be the Raiders defensive backs, who will gamble and jump routes and come up with turnovers:" Paul Zimmerman. If only Dr. Z had written exactly the same sentence with "Buccaneers" instead of "Raiders" before "defensive backs," he'd be dining out on this for months! "The game will be low-scoring and close:" Peter King.

Newsweek, the Washington Post, The Sporting News, the New York Times MCNBC, the NFL's own website and many others offered exact final score predictions, all wrong. "The game figures to be close:" Newsweek.

Zo, Vat Deep-Seated Childhood Inadequacy Made You Vant to Become a Psychoanalyst, Ya? According to figures in this article by Erica Goode, 20 percent of the nation's psychoanalysts live in New York City. Three percent of the nation's population lives there. TMQ's theory is that the psychoanalysts all have each other as patients.

Single Worst Prediction of the 2002 Season: Many candidates are worthy, but the nod goes to Allan Barra of the Wall Street Journal. Please, don't complain that you weren't chosen!

In late December, Barra called Tampa the best team in the league, predicted it would win the Super Bowl and, specifically, would pound Oakland in any Super Bowl matchup. Mere weeks later the same columnist predicted that Tampa would lose every playoff game, then predicted Tampa would be defeated by Oakland in the Super Bowl. TMQ foresees that you will search a long time for worse clairvoyance than this.

TMQ Sign-Off: Now begins that long, lonely offseason, without any excuse to spend Sunday nailed to the couch drinking half-honey heavy-light twice-unfiltered pale triticale instant microwaved blueberry-almond ale. And with the season ended, Tuesday Morning Quarterback folds its tent and steals off into the desert till August, except for sporadic special-guest-star appearances.

TMQ recommends that you spend the offseason engaged in spiritual growth. Read the classics, Herodotus in the original Greek is particularly enlightening. Do Buddhist breathing exercises: Thich Nhat Hanh advises repeating to yourself, Breathing in I relax, breathing out I smile. Take long hikes through scenic nature preserves and don't think about mega-babes or ultra-hunks. Read Deborah Tannen on why men and women have such difficulty communicating and then, if you are a woman, spends hours discussing her work and, if you are a man, say, "Yeah, that book was OK." Join a faith-based organization. Eat a healthful diet of fresh foods, avoiding fats and sweets. Slowly sip decaffeinated herbal tea. Do these things and you will feel justified racing back to the couch, the beer, and the swimsuit calendars when the NFL resumes next fall.

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 4:47 PM

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Why are you punting?
By Gregg Easterbrook
Page 2 columnist

Say this about the City of Tampa Buccaneers: They saved the best for last. Sports lore holds that great teams play their best game as their last game, and the Bucs passed that test. Some clubs arrive at the Super Bowl thinking, "Okay, we're here, better not blow it." Others arrive thinking, "This is what it has all been building up to," and play their finest game ever. That's what the Patriots did in the Super Bowl last year, what the Ravens did in the Super Bowl the year before that, what the Broncos did against the Packers a few years earlier, what the Cowboys did against the Bills a few years before that.

Great teams develop a belief that everything is leading toward one magnificent performance. Tampa showed that spirit Sunday. Coulda-been-great teams view getting to the Super Bowl as their vindication and, of course, hope to play well, but are not totally focused. The thought "oh well, we'll get the ball back" runs through the minds of coulda-been-great teams at the Super Bowl -- Buffalo of the 1990s, Minnesota of the 1970s -- while for the great teams every play, every second-and-six, is the single most important thing the players have ever done in their lives.

Great teams understand that all of their hard work transpired exclusively to create the moment of championship, and that they must leave everything on the field. Tampa left everything on the field Sunday; the Raiders left quite a bit back at the hotel, if not in safety-deposit boxes in Switzerland. The Buccaneers may never play like that again, and if they don't it doesn't matter. They saved the best for last.

These things said, to TMQ the determining factors were not the Tampa zone nor the big interceptions, but the Tampa offensive game plan and the breakdown of the Raiders' offensive line. Throw in rookie coach Bill Callahan going fraidy-cat with what may be the Single Worst Call in Super Bowl history, and you've got a formula for being punched out. Let's take these in turn.

Tampa's Offensive Game Plan: A top defense stopped a top offense for the nth consecutive time in the Super Bowl. But the performance of the Bucs' offense was as important.

Bear in mind that it was Tampa 6, Oakland 3 in the middle of the second quarter, very much anybody's game. Jon "I Was A Teenaged Coach" Gruden then did the smartest thing a Super Bowl coach could possibly do -- he took TMQ's advice. Last week, TMQ's Super Bowl prediction was, "The game will be won by whichever team surprises the other with a rushing-oriented game plan." At the eight-minute mark of the second, Gruden switched out of an ineffective hurry-up passing game and went to the ground game.

The Bucs put in two tight ends, while, much to TMQ's pleasure, Pro Bowl "fullback" Mike Alstott actually lined up at fullback and threw blocks. For the remainder of the half, Tampa rushed 11 times for 49 yards, threw five times for 43 yards and picked up three first downs on Oakland penalties, as the Raiders defense, expecting a pass-wacky look, seemed to have no idea how to respond to power running. Tampa scored touchdowns on both these second-quarter possessions when it went to the ground, making the count 20-3 at halftime. Everything about the switch to running worked. Two touchdowns in two possessions; Oakland's offense kept off the field while the clock ground; Oakland down 20-3 at the half, its drip-drip-drip attack not designed for comebacks.

Looks like the Raiders forgot about Alstott.
Then, on his first possession of the second half -- knowing the Raiders spent halftime adjusting to the run -- Gruden went play-action, to fine effect. Tampa's first possession of the second half was an 89-yard, eight-minute touchdown drive that put the Bucs ahead 27-3 and caused TMQ to write the words "game over" in his notebook, though considerable entertainment remained. On that drive, the Bucs ran seven times and passed seven times, four of them play-action. This was masterful manipulation of an opponent. The effect carried over to help Tampa's defense; the Oakland offense lost heart trying to climb out of a scoreboard hole.

As for TMQ having called this shot -- I am available, my price is two No. 1s, two No. 2s and $8 million.

Oakland's Cover-Your-Eyes Offensive Line: Just how bad was Raiders Pro Bowl tackle Lincoln Kennedy, winner of the TMQ Non-QB Non-RB MVP award? Game tied at three in the first, Oakland on the Tampa 43. Kennedy barely so much as brushes Simeon Rice as he blows in to pressure Rich Gannon into throwing a pick; Kennedy looked like he was courteously stepping aside for the Queen's carriage. Instead of Oakland moving into scoring range, the Bucs drive for a field goal the other way. Kennedy gave up two sacks, had no push and once appeared simply to let go of Warren Sapp to give him a free shot at Gannon as the pass was released. Maybe the international publicity and nonstop mega-babes went to Kennedy's head after he was named TMQ Non-QB Non-RB MVP, but he looked seriously awful. On one snap, Tampa's Greg Spires blew past Kennedy to sack Gannon. Spires is a waiver-wire gentlemen who has bounced around the league. Kennedy made him look like Derrick Thomas in his prime.

The desertion of Raiders Pro Bowl center Barret Robbins -- see Single Worst Play below -- was treated by bobbleheads and sportswriters as an odd sidebar, but may have been the determining moment of the Super Bowl. Oakland denied that the disappearance of a key player on the night for the Super Bowl had any affect, but that's complete hooey. Pregame, the team was visibly deflated by this distraction, and by knowing it would take the field short-handed. Once the whistle sounded, the Long Johns offensive line played its worst game of the year.

TMQ has done several items on the fact that OL play is the essence of Oakland's league-leading offense. Rich Gannon was sacked on average less than twice per game during the regular season, despite the Raiders passing constantly, and as important, consistently had time to scan defenses and wait for those infuriating Oakland "rub" routes to develop. In the Super Bowl, Gannon was under constant pressure, sacked five times and forced into numerous hurried throws that went clang, or into the wrong hands.

The Oakland OL produced one of the worst blocking performances TMQ has ever winced through, in part because its schemes were disrupted. On most plays, one of the guards, Mo Collins or Frank Middleton, helped reserve center Adam Treu handle his man, leaving the Raiders' tackles "on islands." Left tackle Barry Sims usually gets guard help. With Robbins out and Treu getting the help, Sims was cover-your-eyes, too, on two occasions barely so much as waving at Rice before the gentleman blew in to paste Gannon.

Kennedy looked more like a matador than TMQ MVP.
On the first Tampa sack, for example, four minutes into game and the Raiders facing third-and-seven, Sims let Rice fly by, at best gesturing in his direction. The Raiders had five blocking four on that play, and Gannon was sacked before he could finish his drop-back. On another sack, Middleton turned to help Sims with Rice; but no one even touched Warren Sapp, who blew in to paste Gannon. Tampa blitzed eight times in the game, meaning there were usually at least five Raiders blockers on four Bucs rushers. Nevertheless, protection was awful.

Note that the game's final phase, when the Tampa defensive line was tired and Gannon had time to scan the field, the Raiders put up two fairly easy-looking touchdowns. Once Gannon had time, suddenly his offense was powerful again and the City of Tampa defense was human again. What we saw in the final 17 minutes of the Super Bowl was the tight, tense, exciting duel we would have seen through the entire game, had Robbins not flaked out and the Oakland line played per usual. In this sense, by disappearing AWOL, Robbins not only shafted his teammates, he shafted the nation, depriving us of a tight, tense, exciting Super Bowl.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkkk! It's 20-3 at the half and everything has gone wrong for the Raiders. But they still have the league's top offense and get the ball to start the second half. They know that if they put up two scores, the pressure will shift to Tampa's underwhelming offense.

Oakland takes the kick, runs three plays and faces fourth-and-two on its 35. Bill Callahan sends in the punting unit. No! No! A thousand times no! You're behind by 17 and must make something happen. There's no tomorrow, there is no ranking computer that gives credit for margin of victory or defeat. The Raiders have the No. 1 offense; if the No. 1 offense can't gain two yards, you might as well concede and go get a blueberry-almond martini and watch the ships put out to sea. This is the Super Bowl, there is no tomorrow. Why are you punting?

Over TMQ's house, the sky darkened and lightning flashed on this play as the football gods showed their displeasure. TMQ was screaming at the tube, "No! No!" The football gods exacted prompt revenge; Tampa took the punt and staged the 89-yard, eight-minute drive that made it 27-3 and caused TMQ to write the words "game over" in his notebook. As I wrote, I felt that the football gods were controlling my hand.

Gannon was running for dear life for most of the night.
TMQ endlessly rails against fraidy-cat NFL coaches who punt when way behind, in order to avoid criticism. (If the players lose, it's their fault, but if the coach orders a gamble and the gamble fails, it's his fault.) Sure fourth-and-two is a risk, but down by 17, you've got to take some chances, and you won't find many chances more attractive than fourth-and-two. Plus there's no tomorrow. Plus it's the Super Bowl. Why are you punting?

Callahan might have been better off gambling and losing than punting. When coaches try for it in situations like these, they are challenging their own players to win the game. When coaches go fraidy-cat in situations like these, they are announcing that the coaches have quit, so the players might as well too.

After touchdowns made it Tampa 34-9, then 34-15, then 34-21 late in the third through the mid-fourth, Callahan never ordered an onside kick, either. Sure an onside is a gamble. But you're behind and time is running out and it's the Super Bowl. Why aren't you playing to win rather than for a respectable final margin of defeat? Driven to mighty fury, the football gods denied Oakland even that.

Cheerleader of the Week No. 1: In the Super Bowl spirit, the column will name two, and the first TMQ ESPN Cheerleader of the Week is Danielle Dolen of City of Tampa. According to her team bio, Dolen is a college student whose favorite place to go is South Beach in Miami -- in this age of free-agent cheer-babes, perhaps the Dolphins will recruit her. South Beach is among the world's top gawking locations for men wishing to gawk babes; maybe there are ripped ultra-hunks there too for women to gawk, but, come to think of it, I've never noticed. Danielle admits to having once passed herself off as Britney Spears. Why, we'd know that navel anywhere!

Super Bowl champs, cheerleader of the week -- it's a dream come true.
'Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed at All: Super Bowl tied at three at the end of the first quarter, Oakland faced third-and-two on the City of Tampa 43. It's anybody's game. The Bucs stopped a short run on the previous play, so won't be expecting another run, and they have the league's No. 1 pass defense, while their run defense is human. You can't win the Super Bowl unless you can run for two yards; plus, given the field position, if you pick up one yard, then you go for it on fourth. Run! Instead it's an empty-backfield roll-out play, Rich Gannon sprints backwards, bad pass, intercepted, Tampa scores on its possession. You can't win the Super Bowl if you can't run for two yards.

At the start of the third quarter the Raiders again faced third-and-two and again Gannon sprinted backward, this time for an incompletion. You can't win the Super Bowl if you can't run for two yards.

Single Worst Play of Super Bowl XXXVII: The Single Worst Play happened on Saturday when Robbins went AWOL. At this writing it remained unclear why. Maybe Robbins has some genuine psychological affliction that we should not judge; maybe he's an incredible jerk. Whatever the reason, he totally shafted over his team, setting up its offensive line for its collapse.

Stat of the Week: The Tampa defense outscored the Oakland offense, 21-15.

Stat of the Week No. 2: In three playoff games, the Buccaneer defense allowed three touchdowns while scoring four touchdowns.

Stat of the Week No. 3: Oakland recorded 19 yards rushing.

Stat of the Week No. 4: Bill Romanowski became the 12th player to appear in five Super Bowls. Just one gentleman has played in six: Mike Lodish. You knew that, right?

Stat of the Week No. 5: Jerry Rice acquired one of the few possible records he does not already own, most touchdowns in postseason play -- 22 -- passing Thurman Thomas and Emmitt Smith.

Stat of the Week No. 6: Tampa can't run? The 2003 NFL postseason rushing leader was Michael Pittman of the Bucs.

Sorry fantasy fans, Pittman was the man in the playoffs.
Stats of the Week No. 7: Through its 17 games, Tampa's pass defenders allowed 11 touchdown completions while recording 40 interceptions and running back eight for touchdowns.

Stat of the Week No. 8: The cumulative passer rating of Tampa opponents through all 17 games was 44.8. Ryan Leaf's career rating was 50.

But Does She Rip Off Another Alluring Woman's Clothes Over a Miller Lite? Oscar Goodman, mayor of Las Vegas, on the Vegas ad that the NFL thumbs-downed for the Super Bowl telecast: "Sure the ad is racy. It features an alluring woman on a limousine ride through Las Vegas. But this is Vegas, after all."

The Deuce Disasters: The Raiders were right to go for deuces after every touchdown. Normally, TMQ says take the 99 percent chance of one over the 40 percent chance of two, but Oakland was so far behind it needed every point.

All three Oakland deuce attempts, however, were regular passes from regular sets. TMQ's immutable law of the goal line says that you can power-run, play-fake or rollout, but a regular pass won't work because at that point the defense has so little territory to defend. Pittsburgh, for all its faults this season, was awesome on deuce plays, because every call involved rollouts and trickery. Oakland, poised at the goal line, used a regular pass from a regular set three times and went oh-fer-three. Ay caramba.

This Week's Sci-Fi Complaint: On a recent episode of "Star Trek Enterprise," the entire crew of 83 hid in an air shaft next to the warp engines while aliens took over the ship. All sci-fi fans groan in unison: How many times have intruders taken over "Star Trek" ships? It's as if anyone boarding is handed a pamphlet titled, "Helpful Hints for Seizing Federation Vessels." My favorite occurred in an episode of "Star Trek Voyager." A sinister Hirogen seized control of Voyager by pushing aside two security guards, ripping a panel off the wall and punching some buttons really fast. On the bridge, Tom immediately yelled, "I've lost helm control!" Set aside that the Hirogen knew exactly where to look, exactly how to operate a control panel designed using the technology of another planet and exactly what codes to punch in. Where was the secret master control panel located? In the mess hall, behind the wok! Apparently, Federation starships are engineered so that anyone can seize control from the kitchen.

But what really drives TMQ nuts about science fiction is the enormity of the air shafts. Eighty-three men and women hide in an air shaft; there's sufficient space for them to play cards and set up bunks. In another episode this fall, the Enterprise had been taken over by yet a different set of aliens. Hoshi had to recover control by crawling through air shafts which turned out to take her anywhere on the ship and were large enough for a person, though ostensibly all the shafts are for is ventilation. In a 1960s episode, Kirk and Spock escaped from a 23rd-century prison by crawling out through the air shaft. A prison had an air shaft large enough to crawl through, covered by a grate easily popped off.

"Don't worry guys, Ziggy will leap us out of here."
Related complaint: Countless times on the Kirk, Janeway, Sisko, Picard and now Archer iterations of "Star Trek," there have been scenes in which our imprisoned heroes discuss in detail their escape plans -- as if future societies could build faster-than-light starcruisers, but had no idea how to put a microphone in a jail cell.

Last year, in an episode of the Showtime series "Stargate SG1," the good guys were captured by the highly advanced evil species that threatens to enslave the galaxy. Thrown into the brig aboard a starcruiser of the highly advanced evil species that threatens to enslave the galaxy, almost immediately they unscrewed a huge, flimsy panel that easily popped off and led to an air shaft large enough for several people to crawl through simultaneously. The air shaft was so commodious, it might have had a hamburger stand and a drive-through car wash.

Look around your home, workplace or starcruiser. If there is forced-air ventilation, the vent is a few inches across. Maybe there's a large main shaft somewhere, but how would you get to it? We're supposed to believe that something in future engineering causes designers to build air shafts wide enough for a dune-buggy race, and to do so even on starcruisers, where presumably space is at a premium. The sole sci-fi air shaft TMQ ever found believable was the one on the alien flagship of the aliens-invade-Earth novel "Footfall," which would make a much better Hollywood flick than most of what gets produced. The air shafts were believable because the aliens in this case were highly advanced pachyderms; everything aboard their ship was gigantic in human terms.

Speaking of the "Stargate" serial, TMQ is willing to suspend disbelief on its central premise: that a highly advanced evil species threatening to enslave the galaxy uses teleportation gates on various worlds, and that the plucky, wise-cracking team of American commandos figures out how to employ the gates to travel to distant planets without the highly advanced evil species being able to stop them. But while TMQ will suspend disbelief on that premise -- otherwise, no serial -- I put my foot down regarding the recent X303 episode.

Turns out that the Air Force has built the X303, an enormous starcruiser with a faster-than-light drive system copied from an alien ship that crashed in Wyoming. What happens in the episode? Suspicious persons seize control of the ship -- though not from the kitchen -- and blast off for deep space. How do they accomplish this? The X303 is unguarded.

Now if the Air Force possessed an actual starship, and if the Earth was in danger of invasion by a highly advanced evil species that threatens to enslave the galaxy, that ship would be considered pretty important, right? Yet a handful of people with sidearms effortlessly steal the ship. (Colonel O'Neill, lead character in "Stargate," promptly bellows, "I can't believe this happened!" Colonel: in science fiction, spaceships are always getting taken over.) To top it off, the X303 hyperdrive works perfectly, though the ship has never been flight-tested and, presumably, was built by the same defense contractor who just announced the latest cost overruns and delays for the F22.

"I'm touched, eh. Beers are on me."
Peter Jennings Should Have Introduced Her: "God Bless America" was sung before the Super Bowl by Celine Dion, a Canadian. The NFL officially billed her as an "international singer". TMQ found it discordant, to say the least, to hear someone who isn't an American belting out "God bless America, my home, sweet home!" at a quintessentially American event. Was there no American citizen capable of rendering this tune?

Raiders: Don't Walk Out Over This One, Okay? Going for two after making it 34-21 with six minutes left, Oakland threw to Jerry Porter, who appeared to catch it in the air and be pushed out. TMQ thought it was a classic force-out and that the catch should have counted; the zebra on the scene thought otherwise; Callahan challenged and announcers talked about how a force-out cannot be reviewed, as by quirk, some rulings including force-out are not subject to review; after review, the play stood as called, no catch. Please, Raider Nation, don't claim this is more evidence of the international Zionist-Hindu conspiracy against you. (When TMQ lived in Pakistan, local newspapers were full of talk of "Zionist-Hindu" schemes to control the world.)

Everyone missed that the zebra on the scene did not rule that Porter was out of bounds -- he ruled pass incomplete. Porter held the ball, flew through the air and then, as he came down, the ball hit the ground and bounced. NFL rules now say that if a receiver catches in the air and appears to have possession and control, but the ball bounces when he hits the ground, it's incomplete. TMQ has doubts about that rule -- in common-sense terms, Porter's play looked good to me. Just as, in common-sense terms, Charles Woodson sure made Tom Brady fumble in the Snow Bowl. But in terms of the rules, Brady didn't fumble and Porter did not make the catch. Zebras were right both times.

The only reason referee Bill Carollo allowed the Raiders to challenge is that what they were challenging was a ruling of incompletion, not force-out: a complete/incomplete judgment can be reversed. All you had to do to know this was to watch the zebra immediately give the sign for incompletion, not the sign for receiver out of bounds.

Cheerleader of the Week No. 2: In the bipartisan Super Bowl spirit, the co-TMQ ESPN Cheerleader of the Week is Rebecca Guerrero of the Raiders. Born in Oakland to parents from Guadalajara Jalisco, Guerrero has sung the National Anthem both at Raiders games and at sports events in Mexico. According to her team bio, Guerrero's hobbies are working out, water skiing and "shopping with a fetish for shoes." Wait, a mega-babe has a shoe fetish? Isn't it supposed to be middle-aged chain-smoking French matinee actors who have shoe fetishes?

The Imelda Marcos of cheerleaders.
Sweet Play of the Day: Leading 13-3, Tampa had first-and-goal on the Oakland five with 34 seconds in the half. Receiver Keenan McCardell split right, covered by Charles Woodson. For this situation, NFL teams have fallen in love with the "fade," in which the receiver runs shallow to the pin at the corner of the end zone, looking over his shoulder back across the defender. McCardell took off as if for a fade, and Woodson turned to defend a ball coming over his head. Brad Johnson then deliberately underthrew the pass, and McCardell turned the other way to catch it behind his body as Woodson kept watching for the fade action. This is a modern variation on the old deliberate-underthrow that Joe Namath used to Don Maynard, on plays that cornerbacks thought were fly patterns, and it was the beauty play of the Super Bowl.

Sweet Play If It Had Come, Oh, Two Quarters Sooner: Oakland trailing 34-15 with six minutes left, Gannon hit Jerry Rice on beauty post route for a 48-yard touchdown and the Raiders' last-gasp. Fifty-four minutes had ticked off the clock, and this was the only the second time Gannon had thrown down the deep middle. No one has ever beaten a two-deep zone defense by throwing nothing but outs and to the short middle, which is what the Raiders had tried to this point. The post is Rice's best route -- remember how he killed the Bolts with it in the Niners-Chargers Super Bowl? -- yet Oakland had Rice spend the day running sideways. Yumpin' jiminy.

Chat Joke Saved From Dustbin of History: Here is the transcript of one exchange during TMQ's appearance on the ESPN.com live chat last Friday:

Yonaton (Buffalo): Gregg, is it fair to compare Mike Brown to Kim Jong Il? Think about it: famous dads, old-school philosophies that run their respective organizations into the ground, aloofness. What would happen if they switched places for a year? Would Brown refuse to hire spies?

Gregg Easterbrook: Yonaton, if Mike Brown and Kim Jong Il switched places, the North Korean economy would decline, while all Bengals would begin to glow from the plutonium hidden in the locker room.

Precision Blitzing: Though many local-newscast-class sportswriters attributed the dominant City of Tampa defensive performance to blitzing, the Bucs blitzed eight times on 55 Oakland snaps -- 15 percent blitzing, less than the league average of about 20 percent. But when Tampa did blitz, it was often effective because, rather than blitz on third-and-long as every NFL offensive coordinator expects every defensive coordinator to do, the Bucs blitzed when the Raiders weren't expecting it.

Don't be fooled by the ring that he's got. He's still Monte from the block.
Monte Kiffin did not call his first blitz until the 10-minute mark of the second quarter, and it came on a first-and-10. Gannon appeared so rattled by a corner blitz on a non-blitz down that he sailed the ball right to Dexter Jackson for the interception, though Gannon had time. On the first snap of Oakland's next possession, again first-and-10 and the first play after a corner blitz -- you'd never expect that twice in a row, right? -- Kiffin called the same thing, forcing Gannon to throw the ball away.

And In My Memories, I Was Constantly Being Asked Out by Hot Babes: After Oakland missed its third of three two-point conversion attempts and trailed by 13 instead of 10 points as it would have been had the Raiders taken singletons, John Madden reminisced, "When I was coaching in this league, I never went for two until the very end, regardless of the scoreboard. I believed in always taking one point unless it was the very end."

Surely, Madden is in sync with TMQ's immutable law of the conversion: Take One Till the Fourth. But John -- when you were a head coach, there was no two-point option. Madden ran the Raiders from 1969 to 1978. The old AFL two-point rule was ended when the AFL and old NFL merged in 1967. The deuce conversion option was not reinstated until 1994.

Jesus Said, "How Hard It Will Be for Those Who Have Wealth to Enter the Kingdom of God" The gift shop of the new $190 million Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels in Los Angeles sells a house chardonnay for $24.95 per bottle. The main doors of the Cathedral weigh 25,000 pounds each, while the altar "is made from a six-ton, thick slab of Turkish Rosso Laguna marble and was fabricated, cut, polished and shipped from Carrara, Italy. Because of its size, the altar had to be lowered 128 feet into the Cathedral by crane before the roof was installed." The Cathedral's conference center is "equipped with full catering services, can be utilized for business meetings, cocktail parties, wedding receptions, galas, and seminars. Guided Cathedral tours with lunch from the simple to the elaborate are also an option. Parking is convenient and easy, located directly under the Conference Center with weekday space for several hundred cars. Valet parking is available for evening or Saturday events."

TMQ doesn't mean to offend Catholics; lots of Protestants (and members of all other religions) are hypocritical about wealth. Still, it's a good bet Jesus would look on this monument to money in horror.

New Yorker, CNBC, What's the Difference? Tina Brown, who at one point was going to rule the publishing world, will now produce financial specials for CNBC ("The Network for People Who Can't Get On MSNBC").

$72, $4, What's the Difference? Missing from Super Bowl advertising was another big-budget E*Trade chimpanzee commercial, breaking a four-year string. Remember the E*Trade Super Bowl ad that showed the chimpanzee crying while surveying a wasteland of failed dot-coms, such as TieClasp.com? That commercial ended with the legend, "INVEST WISELY." Let's hope you took the message to heart and did not invest in E*Trade, which has fallen from $72 to $4. TieClasp.com was probably a smarter buy. Last week E*Trade's CEO Christos Cotsakos resigned in disgrace -- he expropriated $59 million for himself in 2001, even as the firm was losing money. Wonder how much the chimp embezzled.

The chimp would have been a better CEO than Christos.
Anything You Bark May Be Used Against You in a Court of Law: Geneva, the Official Dog of TMQ -- a Chesapeake retriever, noble state dog of Maryland -- has a large heart and a brain the size of a walnut. She barks at everything, including blowing leaves. Recently, I received from the county a barking complaint against the Official Dog, on which the complainant was listed as: "neighbor, anonymous." I called the county animal control division and said, "This is America, the Constitution guarantees a right to confront your accuser! Who is this anonymous accuser?" The county animal- officer told me: "Sorry, dogs don't have Constitutional rights."

It turns out the Montgomery County animal-control division knows its law well! Federal courts have ruled that dogs have no rights. See this appellate court decision, Dye v. Wargo, finding that a dog cannot be sued and also that a dog cannot be a municipal employee. Check out this case, Miles v. Augusta, which finds that Blackie the Talking Cat must pay income taxes -- or at least, that her owners must pay a local amusement levy if they charge people fees to listen to the talking cat -- while concluding that a cat is not a person. Miles v. Augusta includes this judicious description of the judge's inspection of the defendant: "Suspecting that the cat in question was Blackie, I thought twice" before saying anything the talking feline might repeat.

Maybe it's just as well that dogs do not have Constitutional rights, as then they would have a First Amendment right to bark. Although such barking could be restricted to the Constitutionally protected topics of politics, science, the arts and personal expression, including the forms of personal expression that TMQ thanks the Supreme Court for consistently holding is safeguarded under the First Amendment, namely, naughty movies and topless dancing.

But though dogs have no rights, apparently pandas do. Last spring, D'Vera Cohn of the Washington Post asked to see the medical records of the famed pandas of the National Zoo. She was told she could not see the records, because this would violate the pandas' privacy rights! What, couldn't they sign a waiver? National Zoo officials further told Cohn that Constitutional rights apply "in principal" to animals residing in the federally owned National Zoo. Does that mean they get a lawyer? Oh, if only someone could convince the Official Dog of TMQ that she has a right to remain silent.

As Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Jimmy Carter Once Noted, "Life Is Unfair." The sports catalog Eastbay offers 86 authentic jerseys of NFL players, and only one is of an offensive lineman.

Is that the Meadowlands in the background?
And How Can They Prove Washington Crossed the Delaware? Maybe It Was All Faked on a Sound Stage: NASA, whose space-station project is more than a billion dollars over budget, will pay a $5,000 contract cancellation fee to halt a planned pamphlet aimed at convincing people the Apollo moon landings really did occur. Apparently, NASA is actually worried about the talk-radio appearances of one Ralph Rene, a New Jersey carpenter with a self-published book saying that the moon landings were faked and also, for good measure, that Isaac Newton was wrong about the laws of motion.

Order Rene's bizarre book, "NASA Mooned America," containing "a simple arithmetic proof that Newton's gravity of attraction of mass for mass is erroneous." Go here. to order an excellent book that does not claim to disprove Newton, "Red Star In Orbit," about the old Soviet space program during the Moon-race era. "Red Star In Orbit" is by NASA-engineer-turned-writer James Oberg, who was scheduled to pen the pamphlet proving the Moon landings.

This leaves TMQ wondering two things. One, if Newton was wrong about the laws of celestial motion, wouldn't all communication satellites be spiraling off into the void? No wonder I can't get DirecTV! And second, what other claimed events need to be proven?

Reader Mike Cannon of Germantown, Maryland, recommends this site, in which astronomer Phil Plait of Sonoma State University debunks all claims that the Moon landings were faked and, for more fun, debunks movies and television shows that contain bad references to astronomy or depict space flight in ways that are physically impossible.

Modern Economics: Many coupons in newspaper food sections lately have been denominated at 55 cents. Why that curious value? Because grocery stores with coupon-doubling deals will double a coupon up to 50 cents but not above. This means a 50-cent coupon costs the manufacturer a dollar, while a 55-cent coupon looks like more yet costs the manufacturer less. Now a 30-cent coupon is worth more to the buyer, since it doubles to 60 cents, than a 55-cent coupon that stays at 55 cents. Right now the most valuable coupon is denominated at 45 cents; since it doubles to 90 cents, a 45-cent coupon is worth more than an 85-cent coupon. Only in America!

Look, Mr. Spock! Life-Form Readings on the Maine Interstate: Chomp, Inc, "inventors of pet candy,", has begun an aggressive campaign to market Yip Yap, a breath mint for dogs. Packaged in pocket-sized tins to resemble what the company calls "human breath mints" -- how can breath mints be "human?" -- Yip Yaps are promoted with testimonials such as these, from a Joan Perkins of Maryland: "I keep the Yip Yaps in my car with my Altoids so that when I take my dog to someone's house I give her a Yip Yap first."

For man's wintergreen scented best friend.
TMQ lives in Maryland, and now must be ever-vigilant to avoid running into this Joan Perkins. Joan, do you get the tins confused, and give the dog Altoids while popping a few tasty Yip Yaps yourself? And just why does your dog need breath freshener so badly on social calls -- are your friends planning on kissing your dog?

Check out this company press release:

SIDNEY, Maine -- Motorists will be able to buy candy bars and dog treats from the same vending machine when they pull into rest stops along Interstate 95 in central Maine. Chomp Inc. began stocking Yip Yap, a doggie breath mint, and Sniffers, a moist chewy beef and cheese candy for dogs, alongside Reese's Nutrageous bars and Wrigley's gum at a vending machine at the northbound rest stop in Sidney.

Chomp, based in Lebanon, N.J., said it was the first company to stock dog treats in vending machines that also contain candy for humans.

The "first company in the nation to stock dog treats in vending machines that also contain candy for humans" - now there's something to boast about. And when, to candy marketers, did "people" become "humans"?

San Diego Super Bowl = Excuse for Charger Cheer-Babe: Gawk at Bolts cheerleader Angie Rameriz, a student who, sadly for the world's men, is married. According to her team bio, Rameriz says she wants to visit "all of Europe." Better hurry, Angie, since Europe gets larger every day. Just a few years ago the European Union contained 12 nations. Now it's up to 15, with 10 others to be admitted next year and many formally designated "candidate countries".

TMQ can't forget to give props to our Super Bowl hosts.
If you are of the sort who finds bureaucratese more entertaining than babes in swimsuits, check this European Union discourse on the question of whether Corsica can achieve "island status." But isn't Corsica an island regardless of what European Union committees think?

Oh Ye Mortals, Trifle Not with the Football Gods Jerry Porter of the Raiders had the incredible gall to call the Tampa defensive backs, who outscored the entire Oakland offense, "awful across the board, they're awful". The football gods will exact vengeance on Porter for this.

But note that the story, from the New York Daily News, says that not only did Jon "I Was a Teenaged Coach" Gruden play Rich Gannon in Bucs practices: he told Bucs defensive players the Raiders' audible code-words, and the Raiders came into the Super Bowl not having changed their code words. Oakland knew Gruden knew its audible codes and yet kept them! The Daily News says that during the game, when Gannon barked audibles, Tampa defenders immediately called out the play. Ye gods.

Astonishing New York Times Insider Exclusive! One of the goofy staples of American journalism is the front-page story in the New York Times which, in somber, deadpan tones, presents as a stunning revelation something absolutely everyone in the United States, European Union, Hapsburg Empire and Hanseatic League has known for years.

An exemplar of this form was a page-one piece, "Super Bowl Insiders Watch Before Snap of Ball," in last week's New York Times, purporting to give the astonishing skinny on how "insiders" would watch Tampa versus Oakland. The lead of this shocking piece -- on the front page of the world's most important newspaper! -- disclosed that "coaches and executives will scan their television screens Sunday for the tell-tale signs of strategy in the Super Bowl." Holy moly -- tell-tale signs of strategy!

And what might these signs be? "The insiders will study the battle at the line of scrimmage, getting a general sense of where the holes are." Wow -- talk about insider information, who knew that? Insiders further possess the astounding knowledge that if quarterbacks hold the ball too long, "It means their receivers are covered ... and eventually, the pass protection will break down." Hello, sweetheart, get me rewrite, who could have known this! Insiders possess additional earth-shaking insights, such as, "They will look to see if there is a running back behind the quarterbacks," because if the backfield is empty, "this will put more pressure on the defense." Hey, if an empty backfield puts more pressure on the defense, why don't teams always go empty? Only the insiders know!

"The insiders" also have some puzzling exclusive information. Much of the piece dwelled on corner Ronde Barber coming up to the line in the Bucs-Eagles NFC championship. Insiders know, according to the Times, that he "repeatedly blitzed from this position." Funny, Barber blitzed twice in that game. The Times further asserted that having Barber come to the line was a "radical twist" insiders had never before seen. Funny, a corner has come to the line in almost every game that Monte Kiffin has coached the City of Tampa defense during the past the seven years. In December 2001, when Tampa was pounded 27-3 at Chicago, Barber came to the line so often the Bears killed the Bucs by throwing over Barber's head to Marty Booker, and the tactic didn't even stop the run -- Chicago rushed for 207 yards that day. Did only "insiders" know this? Ummmm, TMQ wrote a column about how the Bucs were bringing Barber to the line too often.

Apparently the Raiders coaching staff doesn't read the Times.
Best line from the preposterous "insiders" article: "Television's preoccupation with quarterbacks, coaches, nutty fans and cheerleaders" can frustrate insiders. Preoccupation with cheerleaders? It's the reverse. Get out your stopwatch during any NFL telecast on any network.

Incredible insider tip: If you want to know who's ahead, look at the scoreboard! Please don't mention this to the New York Times.

The Football Gods Chortled: TMQ hopes the evil Lord Voldemort (Dan Snyder) apparated right out of his Potomac, Maryland, mansion watching Brad Johnson, the quarterback he had so cannily ordered benched and then let go, win the Super Bowl. In his final nine games this year, Johnson threw 19 touchdown passes and four interceptions. Lord Voldemort ordered him banished because, in Voldemort's canny judgment, Johnson had no arm.

TMQ Insider Exclusive! Tuesday Morning Quarterback has learned on an exclusive basis that Tiki Barber played cornerback for Tampa in the Super Bowl, while Ronde Barber watched in the stands. Hey, try to prove me wrong! Remember, this is a Tuesday Morning Quarterback exclusive!

Running Items Department
Final New York Times Final-Score Score: The Paper of Guesses ran not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, but seven different predictions of the exact final Super Bowl score, and all were wrong. This makes the Final New York Times Final-Score Score 1-272 for the 2002 NFL season and a cumulative 1-833 since TMQ began tracking. (Note: Includes correction for math error TMQ discovered in an earlier column.)

Reader Jim Kupcik of Medina, Ohio, reports that some offshore sports gambling websites offer to double winners if you predict an exact final score. Kupcik asks, "As evidenced by the fact that the New York Times is 1-833 trying to do this, shouldn't the payout for predicting an exact final score be a little better?" But Jim, the whole point of gambling is to fleece you of your money. TMQ disapproves: Put your spare dollars in the bank where they belong.

Reader Animadversion: Many readers from New Zealand objected to TMQ's expression of horror at the Kiwi Burger for sale at New Zealand McDonald's. Paul Hope of Christchurch noted that "kiwi" in New Zealand usage for recipes means neither the fruit nor the flightless bird but local flavorings, as New Zealanders are sometimes known as "Kiwis." The Kiwi Burger sold in New Zealand McDonald's turns out to be a Quarter Pounder with beetroot and pineapple blended into the beef, topped by a fried egg. TMQ called this another sign of the decline of Western civilization, and I stand by my statement.

Note: owing to PC trends, it can't be long until the city of Christchurch changes its name to Inclusivechurch, New Zealand.

Many readers including Andrew Moeschberger of Hobart, Indiana, objected to last week's TMQ quote of a reader who suggested the NFL fix its overtime problems by instituting "the NHL system" of a full additional period. As Moeschberger noted, NHL overtimes are sudden-death; it just seems like they're not because they often end in ties. The reader quote should have said, "the NBA system." In haiku,

"Fifth quarter" OT
in NHL? Frostback sports
lost on TMQ.
-- Dave Sommer, Montreal

Last week, commissioner Paul Tagliabue acknowledged the overtime system needs to change. Since overtime came to pro football in 1974, 28 percent of games have ended on the first possession, but in this year's record 25 overtime games, 40 percent ended on the first possession. As Tagliabue correctly noted (hmm, there's a phrase TMQ has not exactly loaded into his AutoText), since the kickoff spot was moved back to the 30-yard line in order to improve starting field position and boost overall scoring, the team winning the overtime flip has often been only three first downs away from the field goal that wins the game without the other team ever having a possession.

Last week TMQ proposed a modified version of the NCAA alternating-possessions overtime. How's this for an alternative proposal instead:

Reader Todd Hill of Williston, Vermont, suggests that the opening overtime possession begin on a team's 20, with no kickoff. TMQ adds these details. The winner of the overtime coin toss gets a choice of the ball on its 20 or the wind, in which case the other team starts on its 20. If Team A relinquishes the ball without scoring on its initial possession (turnover, punt, missed field goal, downs), from the point at which Team B first has possession, the rest is traditional sudden death.

"I would like the thank God that the game didn't go into OT."
But if Team A scores on the initial possession, Team B then gets the ball on its 20. If Team B exceeds Team A's score on its possession, Team B wins; if it fails to exceed Team A's score on that possession, Team A wins; if Team B matches Team A's score, overtime continues. From that point it would be traditional overtime; Team B would kick off after its matching score, and next score wins. The point of this system would be to insure that each team had at least one possession in overtime, while keeping the rest of the game (field position, turnovers, punting) as similar as possible to regular action.

Last Week's TMQ Challenge: Playing on the fact that the Minnesota Vikings are among NFL teams that ask prospective cheer-babes to submit to an interview, TMQ wondered, if you were a judge interviewing would-be cheerleaders, what question would you ask?

Ben Denker of Kansas City proposes, "If a bus is traveling 49 miles an hour northeast at 3 p.m. toward a solar eclipse, would you be willing to wear nothing but paint as an outfit?"

Jack Walter of Marlborough, Massachusetts, suggests, "What is the true airspeed of a swallow?" Monty Python fans know that the correct answer is, "African or European swallow?"

Hans-Werner Egerland Abingdon, Maryland, proposes, "Paper or plastic?"

Scott Cyr, a Navy man serving in Naples, Italy -- we know we're free because you are on guard, Scott -- suggested thus: "I would ask prospective cheer-babes to explain the infield fly rule. It has nothing to do with the NFL, but if a woman can answer that, she is not only a babe but most likely a sports goddess as well."

A la the controversy over points added for being black to applicants at the University of Michigan -- where TMQ feels it's hard to understand why this is a racial flap, since being from the beautiful, scenic, all-white Upper Peninsula of Michigan gets you the same bonus admission points as being African American -- the cryptically identified Todd of Arizona proposes this U-Mich-like point scale:

Are you married? (10 point deduction)

Are you engaged, but not really sure? (five point deduction)

Are you dating this guy but he's, kinda, you know -- ? (neutral)

Are you single? (five points added)

Are you single and actively in the market? (10 points added)

Are you single, in the market and have low standards? (makes squad)

In a similar vein, Jason Hernandez of San Antonio says he would "ask the only meaningful question that any short, scrawny, research assistant would ask, 'Would you date a guy like me?'" Jason, don't ask that.

Brian Lundmark of Norman, Oklahoma, suggests, "Explain the replay-reversal rule using interpretative dance."

Brad Crawford of San Marcos, California, suggests, "What would be the diameter of the space mirror needed to power the death ray in the new Bond movie?"

And the winner of this week's Challenge is Ron Burgess of Twinsburg, Ohio, who proposed, "If you could meet anyone in history, what would you wear?"

This Week's Challenge: This week's Challenge is to wait patiently until next September's kickoff, when the TMQ Challenge will resume.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback must fold his tent and steal off into the desert till next year. Yet yea, verily, do not despair. TMQ will appear sporadically during the offseason, whenever there are flimsy excuses for cheesecake photos -- I meant to say, important public-policy questions to address. My special-guest-star appearances will be scattered and unpredictable.

No wait, check it, another one tomorrow! How's that for service? Watch tomorrow for the annual Tuesday Morning Quarterback Bad Predictions Review.

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 9:05 PM

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The weekend the gods winced
By Gregg Easterbrook
Page 2 columnist

Okay, so it's two pirate-themed teams in the Super Bowl. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! TMQ plans to have a parrot sitting on his shoulder all week.

And okay, so the Super Bowl pits two pirate-themed teams that could not run the ball off the plank, let alone against a defense. TMQ sees this in dialectic terms. The NFL's pass-wacky current fashion had to bottom out with a Super Bowl pitting two teams that don't even try to run. The football gods, upon their hallowed couch above, will refuse to watch this game. From all-passing, the antithesis of football, a new synthesis will emerge in which teams try to balance passing and running. I understand that's a radical idea.

These things aside, let's cut to what really matters -- the Super Bowl is the only NFL game each year with two sets of cheerleaders.

Traditionally, NFL teams don't bring cheerleader squads to away games. The Super Bowl, played at a neutral site, is the exception, with both teams in most cases flying in their pep units. So a double-mega-babe event is coming, with sun-drenched San Diego the venue. And the Raiders' and Bucs' cheer squads are both high-aesthetic-appeal.

The great uncovered-by-the-national-media story of last year's indoor Super Bowl was how little was worn by the Rams and Patriots cheerleaders. Rams cheer-babes sported two-piece outfits that were essentially glittering bikinis. Patriots cheer-babes countered with two-piece numbers whose bottoms were barely more than flaps over thongs. Astonishingly Fox, which had last year's Super Bowl coverage, gave viewers naught but a passing glimpse of the cheer-babes. All ticket holders near the field were torn about whether to watch the babes or the game.

Eagerly awaiting Sunday at VI:XVIII Eastern, TMQ calls on the Raiders and Bucs cheer-babes to surpass last year's mark by wearing even less than the Rams and Patriots cheerleaders! Also, TMQ calls on ABC, which has this year's game, to wise up and show viewers the cheerleaders, rather than excruciating close-up after excruciating close-up of the neck veins bulging on Jon "I Was A Teenaged Coach" Gruden.

Ladies and gentlemen -- TMQ's pregame MVP selection.
Surely Oakland's win of the AFC title was foreordained by the mega-babe professionalism shown by the Raiderettes, who came out in two-piece numbers with hot pants despite a kickoff temperature of 52 degrees. Conversely, doom for Philadelphia was foreordained when the high-aesthetic-appeal Eagles cheerleaders wore bulky down vests rather than the sprayed-on unitards they have previously sported in cold-weather games.

Yes, it was 26 degrees at kickoff at Can't Demolish It Too Soon Field. But Gruden and Andy Reid, taking note of TMQ's immutable law of the sidelines -- Cold Coach = Victory -- both wore varsity jackets and light headgear. This activated TMQ's immutable corollary, If Coaches Equal, Cheerleader Professionalism Determines Outcome. "Professionalism" in this sense means skin or at least skin-tight, and the Eagles cheer-babes, like the Eagles themselves, ruined a great season with a final-game letdown. As soon as TMQ saw the Eagles' cheerleaders heavily dressed for pregame warm-ups, he said, "This game's over. Bucs win."

In other football news, both the NFL's championship contests pitted a black quarterback against a white quarterback. The white guys won, though mainly owing to superior teammates in each case. What struck TMQ was that no one really noticed, or cared, about the racial angle. The whole can-blacks-be-quarterbacks thing is so over.

Playoff Coaching Pressure Analysis No. 1, Bucs at Eagles: Two straight years the Eagles have come into the NFC championship game with a homogenized vanilla game plan. Two straight losses. Both times, zero reaction from Andy Reid on the sideline. On defense, Philadelphia not only rarely blitzed -- though the Eagles have a blitzing personality and do it better than any NFL club -- but played a cautious, backed-off coverage scheme as if they were facing the greatest offense of all time. They were, instead, facing the low-low voltage Bucs, whom Eagles coaches seemed determined to make look like the greatest offense of all time.

The Eagles rarely even showed blitz by bringing linebackers or safeties to the line; it was always easy for the Tampa linemen to tell who was rushing, and always easy for Brad Johnson to read the coverage. The Eagles didn't jam receivers to disrupt their routes. Philadelphia rushers failed to sack Brad Johnson, allowing themselves to be neutralized by Tampa's below-average offensive line. In their earlier meeting this season, the Bucs had tried long passes, which allowed the rush to sack Johnson five times. On Sunday the Tampa game plan was quick throws off three-step actions. Philadelphia coaches never adjusted, still calling defenses well into the second half that assumed the Bucs were deep passing.

Yes, Andy. You will have to give back the coach of the year award.
Because the Eagles seemed to be re-playing the earlier meeting and ignoring what the Bucs were actually doing, on most passing downs the defensive backs retreated as if facing incredible speed merchants, when Tampa has among the slowest receiving corps in the league. TMQ was simply stunned by Philadelphia's defensive meekness on the game's central play. Score tied at 10 with 2:31 remaining in the half, City of Tampa faced third and goal on the Eagles' nine, going into the wind. Not only did Philly show mincing backed-off coverage, Al Harris, guarding Keyshawn Johnson, lined up in the end zone. Johnson took a quick slant in front of Harris for six; Harris didn't even step toward Johnson till he was crossing the goal line. Ye gods.

On offense it was more vanilla, not even the occasional strawberry to say nothing of Baskin Robbins flavors. The Eagles ran the same six or so plays over and over. There was no formation variety, nothing Eagles opponents have not seen repeatedly, not even the reverse Philadelphia has run to good effect this year. Donovan McNabb didn't throw down the field until desperation time -- the Eagles' first pass attempt over 20 yards, a 24-yard completion to Todd Pinkston, came with 6:31 remaining. You've got to throw deep now and then even if incomplete, to keep the defense honest. And the Philadelphia offensive line, despite two Pro Bowlers (Tra Thomas and Jermane Mayberry) and two others with big contracts (Jon Runyan and Hank Fraley), played one of the worst blocking games TMQ has ever winced through; see more below. On consecutive Philadelphia possessions, McNabb lost fumbles after Pro Bowl left tackle Thomas barely so much as brushed his man, who blew in for the tomahawk move. The lightly regarded Bucs OL outplayed the hyped Eagles OL by a huge margin.

Through it all, Reid showed no emotion, seeming to expect to lose. Reid called the same mincing weak-side screen four times, though it never yielded a first down. He didn't switch to A.J. Feeley when McNabb was ineffective, and paid the price on McNabb's season-killer interception with 3:27 remaining. (McNabb was playing hurt, and it showed; he also seemed emotionally out of it, perhaps reflecting his coach.) When the Eagles jumped to 7-3 lead and then intercepted Tampa on its second possession, setting up a golden opportunity on the Bucs' 46, Reid was incredibly tentative, calling dives and short passes and then punting from the Tampa 32. Yes they were facing the wind, but the Eagles have the league's best placekicker!

When Pinkston pulled up at the Tampa 45 and simply watched Ronde Barber run the rest of the way for the touchdown that iced the Super Bowl for the Bucs -- sure, Barber was ahead of Pinkston but maybe Barber will slip, maybe he'll bobble the ball, this is a championship game! -- TMQ was at first furious at this display of no-heart quitting on Pinkston's part. But then I thought: The Eagles' coaching staff has quit on the game, so why shouldn't the players? Reid seemed to assume that since the Bucs always collapse in Philly, they would collapse again and no particular planning or heart would be required. Rarely has a coach, or an entire coaching staff, wilted worse in a big game.

It's going to take more than Chunky soup, Donovan.
For his part, Jon "I Was A Teenaged Coach" Gruden looked like a guy worth trading two first-round draft choices to acquire. He had the Bucs' linemen with bare arms -- bare-armed linemen are the classic sign of a team unafraid to play in cold. He had Martin Gramatica out of that ridiculous balaclava he used to wear whenever it was below 40 degrees, and taking the temperature like a manly man. He had Johnson in gloves which, it turned out, he'd been making Johnson wear once a week since training camp in anticipation of a northern January outing. (Why the Fox announcers denounced Johnson's gloves was beyond TMQ; quarterbacks ought to wear gloves on freezing days, so long as they are accustomed to them.) Most important, he had a game plan.

Gruden correctly guessed that the Eagles would expect a reprise of the long-passing plays that failed for Tampa in the clubs' earlier meetings, and instead called quick three-step plays. His offensive staff designed new stuff, which worked; see below. And when he had a fourth-quarter lead and the official timekeeper had become his opponent, Gruden went boring, as the smart coach does in this situation. Leading by 10 and getting the ball at his own 34 with 11 minutes remaining, Gruden called four runs, a shovel pass and a flat pass -- both passes completed inbounds -- to keep the clock grinding. He punted back to the Eagles with 6:31 left, the burning of these five minutes, via boring calls, placing the game almost out of reach.

Cheerleader of the Week: As we warm up for San Diego -- next week's column will surely find a flimsy excuses for Chargers' cheer-babes photos -- the TMQ ESPN Cheerleader of the Week is Beth of the Vikings, who makes the cut because she is a cheerleader with a master's degree ... in sports management, but we'll take it. In addition to abs that bullets would bounce off, Beth has, according to her team bio, 16 years of dance experience and her goal is "to have a successful career and family." So your family has to be successful too! Beth, you've got your work cut out for you.

Beth's abs could even stop Randy's SUV.
The auditions section of the Minnesota cheerleaders' site explains that not only must a woman pass three levels of tryouts, there is also an interview requirement on current events and other topics: "Interviews are closed to the public and will be before a panel of judges." Let's hope not before French skating judges! TMQ would be happy to serve as a cheerleader judge and would accept bribes, but only in the form of -- well, never mind. The auditions page also cautions, "It can be cold in the fieldhouse, but as you warm up, you will be asked to discard clothing." Cheer-babes being asked to discard clothing: how can this not be on pay-per-view?

Sweet Play No. 1: Trailing 7-3 in the first, Tampa faced second-and-2 on its 24. The Bucs came out in a three-bunch right. This is a formation they had previously shown only in the red zone, and previously from this formation they had sent two men to the left and then hit Joe Jurevicius right on a version of the zee-out (Zed-out to Canadian readers) that receivers call "crack the whip." Check the December 10 TMQ for more detail on how Tampa ran this play against Atlanta. Seeing the set, the Eagles expected the play to proceed as it had on film of the Falcons' game. But this time two men went to the right and Jurevicius went over the middle left, where he ended being guarded by Barry Gardner, the middle linebacker. His 71-yard catch-and-run set up the touchdown that put Tampa ahead for good. Eagles defensive backs seemed to have no idea where the ball was even after Jurevicius was halfway to the goal line.

Sweet Play No. 2: Leading by seven late in the third, Tampa faced third-and-4 on the Philly 34. The Bucs put a two-bunch right. Jurevicius ran the over-the-middle again, this time drawing a cast of thousands to cover him; Keyshawn Johnson ran a fly; tight end Ken Dilger paused, then sprinted into the right flat, where no Eagle was to be seen. His 20-yard reception set up a field goal and panic time at Can't Demolish It Too Soon Field.

Sour Play No. 1: One TMQ hobby horse is offensive linemen sprinting downfield on screen passes, as if they themselves were running for touchdowns, rather than pasting the first defender they see. Trailing by three at the start of the second, the Eagles faced third-and-10 on their 26, and called the weakside screen. When back Bryant Westbrook took the ball with OLs Fraley and John Welbourn ahead of him, and Derrick Brooks the sole defender in sight, TMQ said aloud, "This one's going to midfield." Instead neither Fraley or Welbourn laid a hand on Brooks, charging downfield as if they themselves were running for touchdowns while Brooks nailed Westbrook just shy of the stick and the Eagles punted.

Sour Play No. 2: Later, trailing by seven in the third, Philly faced second-and-10 and called the same screen. Once more Fraley and Welbourn were ahead of the runner, Duce Staley, once more only one defender in sight. Once more neither lineman laid a hand on the defender, this time Dexter Jackson, so intent were they on charging downfield as if they themselves were running for touchdowns. Jackson stopped what looked like it should have been a big play for a one-yard gain; Philadelphia ended up losing a fumble on the series.

We don't need no stinkin' running game.
Stat of the Week: The winners of the championship games combined for 545 yards passing and 138 yards rushing. The football gods winced.

Stat of the Week No. 2: The Buccaneers, who won the NFC championship despite rushing for only 49 yards, are only the third of the last 28 Super Bowl teams to average less than 100 yards rushing per game during the season. The football gods winced.

Stat of the Week No. 3: The Raiders won the AFC championship despite calling 49 passes and nine rushes. The football gods winced.

Stat of the Week No. 4: Philadelphia, second-highest scoring team in the league during the regular season, recorded three offensive touchdowns in its final three games, two of them played at home.

Stat of the Week No. 5: Tennessee lost two fumbles in 39 seconds.

Stat of the Week No. 6: Tennessee and Oakland combined to complete their first 15 passes.

Stat of the Week No. 7: In two trips to Oakland this season, the Flaming Thumbtacks surrendered 93 points and turned the ball over six times.

TMQ's Candidate Was P.T. Barnum, Who Could Establish a Rapport With the Clowns in the Cincinnati Front Office: Marvin Lewis accepted the job of head coach of the Bengals. "My other offer was Defense Minister for Iraq," Lewis told a news conference.

Next You're Going to Tell Me San Francisco Would Waive Jerry Rice: Steve Mariucci was fired after going 57-39 as head coach of the Niners. "He failed to win five Super Bowls," explained San Francisco "owner's representative" John York. "Also he never won the Nobel Prize for physics, United States relations with Mauritania are a complete mess and as perhaps you know, cancer still has not been cured." Separately, Tuesday Morning Quarterback demanded that ESPN give him the additional title of Vice President of Column Operations.

This guy has more miles on him than a '69 Beatle.
Playoff Coaching Pressure Analysis No. 2, Titans at Raiders: In December, Miami demonstrated how to stop the Raiders' league-leading offense. The Marine Mammals played Oakland receivers very tight -- "watch his waist" coverage, as an earlier TMQ explained -- disrupting the endless crossing routes the Raiders run, while allowing the rush time to get Rich Gannon's jersey dirty. Tight coverage engages the risk of giving up the big play, but as used by Miami, proved the only scheme this year that has thrown Oakland off its game. So TMQ expected the Flaming Thumbtacks, who have a defense-minded coach in Jeff Fisher, and the personnel to play tight coverage, to try this approach. Instead the Titans hung back in timid zones, exactly what the Oakland offense is designed to attack. Tennessee surrendered no big plays. But the Oakland offense doesn't seek big plays; what it seeks are first downs and points. Tennessee surrendered 25 of the former and 41 of the latter.

TMQ has always liked Fisher, who keeps his head in the game -- he never blew his stack at the zebras despite losing three of three borderline reviews on Sunday, for example. And TMQ has always liked the Titans. Moreover, TMQ assumes the football gods like the Titans. After all, they endured a period of wandering, and gods are supposed to reward that sort of thing.

But Fisher had nothing special planned for the AFC championship. The Raiders ran their offense exactly as they like to, aided by their fine-blocking, Nimitz-class linemen. (Oakland guard Frank Middleton cannot be only 330 pounds, as his fact sheet claims; his butt wouldn't fit in two airline seats, let alone one.) The Titans were psychologically prepared, handling the initial Oakland surge and crowd noise at Not Bankrupt Yet Coliseum, and seemed poised for an upset with a 17-14 lead and the ball with two minutes left in the half.

But then Robert Holcomb fumbled when trying to run up the middle against an eight-man Raiders front -- where was the audible out of that call? -- and Tennessee fumbled the kickoff after the Raiders' scored. No team can withstand giving up 10 points on turnovers in the final two minutes of the first half in a road playoff game.

Bill Callahan looked like a bearded veteran rather than a rookie head coach and a guy most sports nuts had never heard of when he became the Raiders' boss. At San Diego, the media nonsense will focus on the ultra-hyped Gruden, while no one will pay heed to Callahan. If I were a rookie head coach going into a Super Bowl, I'd think that could work to my favor quite nicely.

Sweet Play No. 3: Trailing 24-17 on their first possession of the second half, the Flaming Thumbtacks faced second-and-20 from their own 34. The call was a rare "pull draw" -- tackle Fred Miller pulled toward the center and got a great block as Eddie George ran 17 yards. On the next play, Tennessee converted the first.

Steve hopes to be fully recovered by the 2006 season.
Sour Play No. 3: Facing third-and-8 from the Oakland 22 on the continuation of the above-cited drive, the Flaming Thumbtacks knew that regular kicker Joe Nedney was out injured for the rest of the game. Punter Craig Hentrich also kicks placement, but is a punter. So it's crucial here to move forward, not backward, to insure that any Hentrich attempt is from inside 40 yards. Plus, gain five on the play and you'd probably go on fourth. All this means a draw or conservative quick pass. There's the snap -- Steve McNair sprints backwards and is sacked for an 11-yard loss. Unwilling to let Hentrich try from 50, the Titans ended up punting from the Raiders' 33. Punting from the opposition 33 while behind in a playoff game with light winds! Yumpin' jiminy.

The Football Gods Winced: Still trailing 24-17 in the middle of the third, the Flaming Thumbtacks now faced third-and-10 from their 24. Coaches called an "up" pattern to seldom-used Eddie Berlin, one reception for 14 yards on the year. Sometimes defenses ignore seldom-used receivers breaking deep. Oakland totally ignored Eddie Berlin. McNair put the pass right on his numbers at midfield for a sweet, sweet 76-yard touchdown play -- except that Berlin dropped the ball as if it were a rabid ferret. On the next snap, Oakland tackled Hentrich attempting to punt. The Raiders scored on the possession and the sun began to set on another Titans' season.

The Football Gods Chortled: As the Titans recovered Tim Brown's second-quarter fumble, rookie Tennessee safety Tank Williams became so excited that he furiously jumped up and down pointing the wrong way -- as if trying to convince the officials to give the ball back to Oakland.

Law of Averages Alive and Well: After losing four consecutive appearances in Philadelphia and being outscored there 89-35, City of Tampa won 27-10. After throwing no touchdown passes in his last three appearances in Philadelphia, Brad Johnson dominated the game. After scoring no offensive touchdowns on 36 consecutive possessions in Philadelphia, the Bucs got two on 13 possessions.

Raiders Staff Reads TMQ; Do Raiderettes? Trailing 17-14 with a minute in the half, the Long Johns had first-and-goal on the Titans' one. "Since it's first and goal, this will be a play-fake," TMQ pronounced. And so it was, to uncovered tight end Doug Jolley for the touchdown that changed the game.

"Hey, let's ask Bush is he has two $10's for a $5."
The Matter Will Be Referred to the Department of Repetitious Empty Threats: Let me see if I can follow this. President Bush has said that if North Korea ends its nuclear program, the United States will extend energy and food aid. But that was already the deal, signed between Washington and Pyongyang in 1994, that North Korea just broke! We've been giving North Korea fuel and food in return for its claim to have stopped its nuclear program, a claim which Pyongyang now admits was always a lie. So we are offering them gifts again in exchange for a fresh set of lies?

TMQ thinks this is as if you turned on the radio on September 2, 1939, and heard: "In response to the invasion of Poland, the governments of Britain and France today offered to recognize German annexation of the Sudetenland."

A North Korean official reacted to Washington's proposal of more fuel and food in exchange for more lies -- which to TMQ seems a fairly good deal if you are a North Korean official -- by calling the plan "pie in the sky." White House spokesman Air Fleischer noted the reaction was "unofficial." TMQ wondered, what kind of pie? Blueberry? Pecan with chocolate crust?

Listen to a National Public Radio "Morning Edition" piece about how the DMZ between the Koreas has weirdly become a favored site for Japanese tourists, who take bizarre pleasure in watching Koreans point artillery tubes at each other. (Go here, then "Tensions Along DMZ Remain High.") Also, according to NPR, there is now a DMZ gift shop where you can buy authentic snips of barbed wire.

But I Still Have to Push the Button for the Power Running Boards. That's Really Inconvenient. When Will They Offer Automatic Power Running Boards? "An automobile review of the Lincoln Navigator misstated its fuel consumption. In city driving, the car travels about 11 miles on a gallon of gasoline, not on a tankful." Actual correction in the New York Times.

TMQ, who hates SUVs -- see the anti-SUV argument in detail here, a key point being that despite the assumption that SUVs are safe, you are more likely to die inside an SUV than inside a regular car, according the National Academy of Sciences -- thinks 11 miles on a tankful of gasoline is probably the real-world figure for mega-SUVs. Though the Navigator does now offer "power running boards." How has Western civilization gotten this far without power running boards?

TMQ would not kick Gwyneth out of bed for eating crackers.
Last week TMQ his ownself appeared on CNBC ("The Network for People Who Can't Get On MSNBC") to denounce SUVs and was accused by the fire-breathing Larry Kudlow of the military-afterburner-decibels Kudlow & Cramer Show of "being in bed with Hollywood celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow." TMQ can only wish he was in bed with Hollywood celebrities! That would be considerably more fun than being on CNBC.

Auto note: you can now get a Honda Accord in Eternal Blue Pearl. Do Honda's designers claim to know what color things are in the afterlife? Honda also offers a special-edition Civic in a swirly custom paint job called the Honda Incubus. Guess they're not planning to sell a lot of these to Catholic customers.

Reader Haiku: Last chance to offer yours for the current season; use the link at Reader Animadversion. Here are a reader and a staff effort:

Joe: acting this time?
Nedney gets his comeuppance,
cosmos realigned.

-- Benjamin Keys, Washington D.C.

Just two remain, and
one must fail. Much like real life:
so Darwinian.

-- TMQ, 2003

Offseason Cheer-Babe Update: As the NFL is about to fold its tents and slip off into the desert, leaving the Arena League cock of the walk, reader Cameron Perry of Miami Beach nominates cheer-babe Bobbi Claar of the Dallas Desperados. According to her team bio, Claar's most embarrassing moment was "Talking to a sixth-grade class and later finding out that my zipper was down." Bobbi, isn't this something that happens to guys, not mega-babes?

Bobbi has sworn off all zippers.
Check out the Desperados' cheerleaders' "3-D scrapbook." The pictures sure looked 2-D to TMQ, though the women themselves are distinctly three-dimensional.

Garish Yellow Sportcoat Update: This weekend the Hall of Fame loya jurga will meet in secret, chant incantations and name those gentlemen who will don a garish yellow sportcoat next August.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback's position is that the Hall of Fame should induct nothing but linemen for the next five years. Of the modern-era members, 40 are quarterbacks or running backs and 49 are linemen -- though on the field, linemen outnumber quarterbacks and running backs three to one. The Canton selectors have a preference for offensive backfield glory boys, and this does not reflect well on their appreciation of what makes football tick. It's inevitable that, say, Time magazine or Entertainment Tonight would only be interested in quarterbacks and running backs, but the Hall of Fame should treat linemen as every bit the equal of glory boys. Toward that end TMQ will endorse only linemen for five years. That means of this year's finalists, TMQ votes for Elvin Bethea, Joe DeLamielleure, Claude Humphrey, Bob Kuechenberg and Gary Zimmerman.

Though the selectors are reputed to do a conscientious job of debating the merits of various candidates -- note that selectors are sportswriters, not television bobbleheads, which is the Hall of Fame's way of acknowledging that most bobbleheads have no idea what they are talking about* -- do not be deceived. Selection is political. For one, candidates who have made friends with selectors get a better hearing than those who are prickly, a reason the personable Howie Long was admitted ahead of other candidates with equal credentials, while the aloof Art Monk still waits. For another, lobbying is furious. Last season, Bill Parcells twisted arms like crazy to get himself named, so that he could take another coaching job and become the first Hall of Fame member since George Halas to work the sidelines. Only stiff political resistance stopped this sinister Parcells plan. (Coaches aren't supposed to make Canton until they have left the sport on a bona-fide basis.)

* ESPN bobbleheads excepted.

Welcome to the O-fer Hall of Fame Jim.
One political problem facing the selectors is the ever-worsening Buffalo Bills dilemma. In the last two seasons, Canton has tapped two from the Bills' failed Super Bowl run, Jim Kelly and Marv Levy. Bruce Smith and Thurman Thomas are deadbolt locks in their first years of eligibility. Bills' owner Ralph Wilson and semi-Bill James Lofton (who bounced around, but started for Buffalo in three of its Super Bowls) are finalists this year; Wilson is a lock at some point, and Lofton will get a hearing. Steve Tasker may become the first special-teams player named to Canton, Andre Reed has a reasonable chance and Kent Hull, the best shotgun center ever, is probable over the long term. (Running backs and quarterbacks get recognized right away, while offensive linemen are usually eligible a decade before anyone notices.)

All this means there could be nine Buffalo representatives in the Hall of Fame from a team that went oh-of-four at the Super Bowl, close to the record 11 representatives from one team, the 1970s Pittsburgh team that went a slightly better four-for-four. Cornelius Bennett might even sneak in, giving the oh-for-four Bills 10 busts in Canton. To top it off, the Hall has to take Joe DeLamielleure soon. Though not on the Buffalo Super Bowl squad, this former Bill is one of only two starters from the NFL's official Team of the Seventies yet to don a garish yellow sportcoat.

TMQ's proposed solution is two-fold. First, the Hall of Fame names nothing but linemen for five years; at the end of that period, equity between grunt-boys and glory-boys will have been established. Then, Canton has a year in which it accepts nothing but Buffalo Bills, inviting as many as it can stand. After that, things return to normal and the electors can resume favoring quarterbacks and running backs.

In Another Canny Personnel Move, Snyder Advised Senate Republicans to Pick Trent Lott as Majority Leader: Viewers of the NFC championship game beheld numerous players who were once members of the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons and sent packing by the evil Lord Voldemort (Dan Snyder): Brad Johnson, Shawn Barber, James Thrash, Brian Mitchell, David Akers among them. These gentlemen weren't good enough for Voldemort but good enough to appear in a title game, where Voldemort's team has not been observed under his evil reign. Snyder ordered Johnson, now on his way to the Super Bowl, discarded because he had merely thrown for 6,510 yards and 35 touchdowns as the Persons' starter. As the Bucs' starter, Johnson has thrown for an all-but-identical 6,455 yards and 35 touchdowns -- translating to a Super Bowl invite for City of Tampa -- while the stats of the gentlemen who replaced him for the Persons have been, collectively, cover-your-eyes.

Modern Economics: Next time you're in McDonald's, check the pricing of Chicken McNuggets. On the East Coast, at least, four McNuggets are $1 and six McNuggets are $2.29. So if you want eight McNuggets it will cost you $2 but if you want only six, it'll cost you $2.29. Only in America!

The high-level economic theory that is the McDonald's menu.
This reminds TMQ of a Marx Brothers exchange in which Chico is playing a band leader and Groucho a potential customer.

Groucho: How much do you get for playing?
Chico: $25 an hour.,br> Groucho: How much do you get for practicing?
Chico: $50 an hour.
Groucho: How much do you get for not practicing?
Chico: You couldn't afford it.

More sign of the decline of Western civilization: McDonald's in New Zealand offers a Kiwi Burger.

Single Worst Play of the Championships: Trailing by 10, Philadelphia has first down on the Tampa 10 with 3:21 left. The Eagles have just moved from their 18, showing life for the first time since their opening possession, and the Can't Demolish It Too Soon Field crowd was making military-afterburner-decibel noise. A score here and the Eagles, holding all their timeouts, shift the pressure to the visitors.

Ronde Barber creeps up to the line to show blitz . Donovan McNabb calls a quick slant, every team's standard anti-blitz play, to Antonio Freeman. Barber jumps back directly into the slant lane, intercepts the pass and returns it 92 yards for the icing touchdown. Barber made a fine play, and the scheme of this defense -- show an open slant lane, then jump into that lane -- was well-designed. But McNabb was looking directly at Barber when he sailed the ball. Ay caramba.

TMQ's Super Bowl Prediction: The game will be won by whichever team surprises the other with a rushing-oriented game plan. (Caution: Tuesday Morning Quarterback's motto is, All Predictions Wrong Or Your Money Back.)

TMQ Insider Exclusive! According to the Elias Sports Bureau, TMQ has never written a funny column when the office temperature is below 40 degrees. Remember, this is a Tuesday Morning Quarterback exclusive.

Running Items Department

New York Times Final-Score Score: The Paper of Guesses returns to its habitual 0-2 in its triumphant attempt to predict an exact final score, bringing the New York Times Final-Score Score to 1-783 since TMQ began tracking.

Misery loves company No. 1: Since the playoffs began the Wall Street Journal has taken to imitating the silliest thing about the New York Times by also forecasting exact NFL final scores. Needless to say, all predictions have been wrong. Late in December, the Journal's football columnist predicted City of Tampa would win the Super Bowl. Then, in forecasting final playoff scores, the same columnist predicted Tampa would lose to the Niners and lose to the Eagles.

Misery loves company No. 2: ESPN asked eight bobbleheads to guess the winners in the championship round. All eight were wrong, though there was a 25 percent probability of being correct by blind chance. (A 50/50 call times a 50/50 call equals 25 percent chance.) Apparently the incredible insider information possessed by the ESPN bobbleheads hampered their accuracy. Had they guessed by blind chance, they would have done better.

Come for the contest, stay for the illegal banking.
Reader Animadversion: Many readers including Karen of Alexandria, Virginia -- see her additional contribution at the Challenge -- rose to defend the honor of Hooters. This, apropos TMQ chiding Jon "I Was a Teenaged Coach" Gruden for hanging out at the local Hooters, rather than at Tampa's world-renowned topless clubs. "The Tampa-St.Pete-Clearwater Hooters, original home of the franchise, has some of the finest-looking women I have ever seen," Karen reports. She notes she is a "traditional female" -- which in TMQ-speak means she was at the Tampa Hooters on a date, perhaps, rather than scoping for her own purposes. Mike Kroeger of Overland Park, Kansas, adds this link to the annual Miss Hooters Offshore Bikini Contest. "Offshore?" So they don't have to pay taxes on the bikinis? There is little to tax.

Apropos the lap dances available at Tampa's world-renowned topless clubs, Bill Epner of Toronto boasts that "Canadians have a distinct advantage over our southern brethren, as our laws allow for completely nude lap dances in Canada." Setting aside what the difference might be between "nude" and "completely nude," TMQ's reaction is that this is more evidence of the frostback conspiracy. First, all Canadians can access NFL Sunday Ticket on cable, while in America, Sunday Ticket via cable is denied to the taxpayers who are taxed to build the stadiums that make NFL profits possible. Now it turns out that Canadians get completely nude lap dances, while in the United States it's only topless. Why this fixation on invading Iraq when Canada is the real menace?

Lance DuBos of Singapore was among many who objected to TMQ saying that Bill Cowher should not claim running into the kicker ought to be ignored "only when his team is trailing in overtime." Lance inquires, "How can anyone trail in sudden-death overtime?" Believe me Lance, when the other team's kicker is lining up to try a figgie from 26 yards, you are trailing in overtime.

Many math whizzes, including Susan Spennett of Copenhagen, Denmark, pointed out that TMQ's calculation of the size of the space mirror needed to power the death ray in the latest Bond movie "had methodological faults, such as being wrong." Thanks, Susan, for putting it so delicately. TMQ used the wrong conversion factor for square feet into square miles, making the mirror seem too large. On the other hand, as readers including Jeff Milner of San Jose, Calif., noted, TMQ also failed to take into account that doubling the distance an energy beam must travel requires quadrupling its power, making my square-foot estimate too small.

Roll these two concerns together and it looks like the death-ray space mirror would need a diameter of six miles, not 164 miles as last week's column speculated. Hey, TMQ lives in Washington, where "one thousand" and "two hundred billion" are considered very similar numbers for budgeting purposes -- so a 158-mile error would be viewed as dead-on accurate here. At any rate, the conclusion is unchanged, namely that the North Korean economy could not, as this particular time, support the construction in outer space of an object miles across. Also, as readers, including Jill Howden of Albuquerque, noted, a six-mile-wide object in low-Earth orbit would be visible to the naked eye, whereas in the Bond movie, no one knows the death ray exists until the North Korean super-villain turns it on.

TMQ, we'd like you to meet your new tutor.
Jose of Lima, Peru, protests that "ay caramba" is correct, not "aye caramba."

Finally many readers including Ruth Chilton of Bellingham, Wash,, suggested that NFL solve its overtime problem -- two overtime playoff games in succession decided with the losers never getting a crack at the ball -- not by going to the NCAA system but to the NHL system. That is, play a full fifth quarter. Fine maybe for the regular season, but Ruth, what if the fifth quarter ended tied too? In the playoffs, there would have to be a sixth quarter. What if the sixth quarter ended tied?

TMQ believes the pros should adopt a modified version of the nuthin'-but-exciting NCAA system. Alternating possessions, but with possessions starting at midfield, not the downhill 25, so that scoring is hardly automatic. Also, turnover returns would count. A team getting a takeaway and advancing it would start its possession at that point, rather than the 50. A team returning a turnover for a touchdown would simply win (Team A has the ball and Team B runs it back, equal number of possessions), allowing for retention of a partial sudden-death effect.

Last Week's Challenge: TMQ asked for the goofiest "Miss ______" title.

Ben Rogers of Knoxville noted that Tennessee's Mule Day Festival elects a Mule Queen. Philip Jacobs of Centerville, Tenn., reports that the annual Milan, Tenn. celebration of no-till farming chooses a Miss No Till. Lanna Keck, Miss Tennessee of 1997, got her first break in the business as Miss No Till. Jamie Paquette of Brooklyn proposes Miss Rodeo Idaho, whose current title holder, Amanda Kent, has won competitions for "barrel racing, pole bending, goat tying, breakaway roping and team roping."

Power tools and bikinis -- it's like bacon and eggs isn't it?
Marv Murray of Augusta, Ga., notes that Ridgid Tools, whose swimsuit calendars hang in every garage and body shop in the country, hands out a Miss Ridgid Tool. Preview the calendar babes here

. Tom Vasich of Costa Mesa, Cali., noted that Marilyn Monroe got one of her first breaks being named the 1947 Artichoke Queen. According to the history page of the California Artichoke Festival, "It's a little-known fact that Marilyn continued to enjoy her love affair with artichokes and it is rumored this contributed to her marital troubles with Joe DiMaggio." Huh? Artichokes contributed to Marilyn's martial troubles with Joltin' Joe? Is the California Artichoke Festival trying to suggest that she preferred using artichokes to -- ?

Rhett Hall of Bayville, N.Y., notes that the annual Morgan City, La., Shrimp and Petroleum Festival names a King and Queen. "Shrimp and petroleum" sounds like something on the menu in a Cajun restaurant.

Karen of Alexandria notes that the county fair in Charles County, Maryland, a tobacco-farming area, chooses a Queen Nicotina.

Josh Hummert of Madison, Wisc., conveys that Angela Hemauer is the current reigning Alice in Dairyland, spokesqueen for Wisconsin dairy products. According to her official bio, Angela is a Cornell University grad with her degree in animal science, and relaxes by running marathons. No swimsuit photo, sadly.

Greta Jordan of Ayden, N.C., reports that her town annually names a Miss Collard Greens. She could not find any pictures of past winners, and adds, "Maybe that's not such a bad thing."

Andrew Heath of Baltimore notes the annual Ugly Truck contest in Hampton Roads, Virginia, names a Miss Ugly Truck; hazy snapshots of the mega-babe candidates are available here.

Keir Johnson of Woodbury, Minn., notes that the annual Minnesota State Fair chooses a dairy spokesqueen with the odd name Princess Kay of the Milky Way. Winners get a bust of themselves sculpted entirely in butter; see Stephanie Hoeft being sculpted here. See the current reigning Princess, Sarah Olson, here. The pageant's sponsor sternly warns that a winner must accept "duties on behalf of the dairy farmers in your county," including touring with the exhibit "Milk: From Cow to You"

Somehow we don't think this is the dream of most Arizona girls.
Brad Twarowski of Spring Grove, Ill., notes that the Miss Arizona Dream Girl competition spreads the wealth by choosing someone every month; gawk at Miss Arizona Dream Girl of January, Aubry Ballard, here.

Gary Ward of Cranberry, Penn., reports that each year the town of Geneva, Ohio, names a Miss Grapette. A past winner reports here that "Being Miss Grapette has been the most amazing experience ... I had to learn to properly do the queen wave, act like a queen and smile, smile, smile."

Many female readers, including Sheila Woodward of Yankton, S.D., and Tina Miles of Upland, Ind., expressed horror over the Iowa Pork Queen. Reigning queen Dawn Kruger and her princess Stacey Schmidt may be gasped at here.

This week's Challenge goes to Kristy Bowie of Ithaca, N.Y., who reports that the annual Spring Ho Festival in Lampasas, Texas, chooses a Miss Spring Ho. The current reigning Miss Spring Ho is Elizabeth Rollins; sadly, TMQ could not locate her likeness.

Promoters depict the Spring Ho Festival as a family event. "I never thought something with the word 'ho' in it would be described as family-oriented," Kristy notes. But Kristy, Eminem is now being pitched as a mainstream act, and every other word he speaks is "ho." Probably soon Eminem will have a zany, laff-riot sitcom called "The Ho and Me."

Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses -- yearning to eat the other white meat.
This Week's Challenge: If you were a judge interviewing prospective NFL cheer-babes -- or cheer-hunks, for female readers -- what (printable) questions would you ask? Explain here.

TMQ Season Finale! Be sure to read next week to find out:

Will the football gods send a typhoon to force the Raiders and Bucs to run?
Will Jon "I Was A Teenaged Coach" Gruden get carded at the San Diego Hooters?
Were the Moon landings faked?
What is the sinister conspiracy behind dog candy?
Do dogs have constitutional rights?
How many cheap, gratuitous swimsuit photos can be crammed into one column?
Who finished last in TMQ's annual Bad Predictions Review?
Who will commit the Single Worst Play of Super Bowl XXXVII?

Don't miss the incredible season finale of Tuesday Morning Quarterback!

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 9:22 AM

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Blitz happens
By Gregg Easterbrook
Page 2 columnist

If you would know one thing about the 2001 NFL season, know this! In November 2001, the Patriots played the Rams, blitzed 39 times and lost. Two months later in the Super Bowl, the Patriots played the Rams, blitzed eight times and won. Of course the blitz sometimes works -- mainly when unexpected, such as on first down. But as Tuesday Morning Quarterback has relentlessly emphasized this season, the blitz usually backfires when expected, such as on third-and-long.

All season TMQ has been offering examples of blitz-expected plays in which blitzes led to big gains for the offense, whereas straight defense might have led to a stop. Readers have protested that these may be isolated examples. TMQ responded by promising that, once the postseason rolled around and yours truly obsessively watches every play of every game, that I'd chart the blitz versus straight defense. This weekend I did and the evidence leads to an irrefutable conclusion: Stop Me Before I Blitz Again!

TMQ's incredibly scientifically advanced methodology was as follows. I charted every snap on which a blitz is expected -- third-and-long (four yards or longer, considering that in the modern NFL many teams line up in the shotgun on third-and-one); second-and-10 or longer; and goal-to-go if five yards or more. For the Colts-Jets and Falcons-Packers blowouts, I stopped at the end of the third quarter, on the assumption that stats in the late stages of blowouts don't mean much. For the awesome Browns-Steelers and Giants-Niners tilts, I logged every snap.

Through the weekend's four games, there were 93 blitz-expected downs. Teams blitzed on 33 of these snaps. The 33 blitzes resulted in eight stops, meaning incompletions or completions short of the marker; one interception; no sacks; six touchdowns for the offense; 16 offensive first downs; and a total of 357 yards passing. That's nine positive results for the blitzing defense and 22 positive results for the blitzed offense. (Results don't add up exactly to the total snaps owing to plays that resulted neither in drive stops nor first downs.) Overall, in expected-blitz situations, offenses averaged 10.8 yards per pass against the blitz.

Teams played straight defense on 60 of the snaps in expected-blitz situations. The 60 straight-defense snaps resulted in 34 stops; five sacks; three interceptions; four touchdowns for the offense; 11 offensive first downs; and a net after sacks of 313 yards passing. (Again, totals don't exactly add up.) That's 42 positive results for the straight defense and 15 positive results for the offense against a straight defense. Overall, against straight defense in expected-blitz situations, offenses averaged 5.2 yards per pass play.

James Farrior
Obviously someone on the Steelers reads TMQ.
Breaking these stats down, the blitz was 60/40 positive for the offense and allowed 10.8 yards per passing attempt, almost double the 2002 league average of 6.5 yards per attempt. The straight defense was 70/30 positive for the defense and allowed 5.2 yards per passing attempt, somewhat less than the 2002 league average.

Your Honor, I rest my case.

In other NFL news, this is the moment the whole season has built up to -- eight teams left, seven games left, someone will snatch the One Ring from Sauron -- and you'd think fan interest would be peaking. But at this point each year, interest begins to decline.

During the regular season, no matter how badly any game goes, each team's backers can dream that next week will be better. (Note: does not apply to Bengals.) Now for most there is no next week, with 24 of 32 cities out. Most fans are already dreaming of next year, already scanning draftnik web sites and free-agency lists. A week from now all but four cities will be out. By the time the Super Bowl kicks off, in theory the biggest football event of the season will be happening, but in practice the faithful of 30 of 32 teams -- 94 percent of the NFL fan base -- won't really care that much. Hold the draft! Start training camp! That's what millions are already thinking. Note: does not apply to Bengals.

Playoff Coaching Pressure Analysis No. 1 -- Colts at Jets: TMQ loves Tony Dungy, but the guy is the new Marv Levy when it comes to the postseason. Like Levy, Dungy believes a playoff game is just another game. They emphatically are not just another game. Dungy teams have been blown out in their last three playoff appearances, losing by a combined 93-12. TMQ wrote in his preseason AFC preview, "Some harmonic force has drawn Dungy, who can't win in January, to the NFL's current exemplar of can't-win-in-January syndrome, the Horsies having honked both their postseason appearances with Peyton Manning." Peyton has now honked three of three. Dungy is now 2-5 lifetime once it's money time. Ye gods.

Like Mike Sherman (see below), Dungy stood impassively as his team imploded in the game the entire season had been leading up to. Like Mike Sherman (see below), Dungy seemed not to have prepared for the fact that his quarterback has a history of pressing in playoff games, and like Mike Sherman (see below) had nothing special in the way of a game-plan for the Jets. How about a rushing game-plan to take the pressure off Manning? In the first half, the Lucky Charms passed 17 times and ran nine times. True, the run wasn't producing much, but the run often starts off poorly on the road. Indianapolis went into all-passing panic when it was only the second quarter; the rest was silence.

Peyton Manning
Manning's chicken dance is available for weddings and bar mitzvahs.
That Dungy prepared nothing special was shown especially in Manning's pre-snap arming flapping, which against Jersey/B reached the point of seeming a Monty Python sketch. Manning looked like an inebriated chicken approaching center. How about preparing a game-plan surprise by having Manning not do any chicken dancing? The Jets spent all week rehearsing switching their defense at the last conceivable second, after Manning finished flapping -- and anybody who simply reads the New York newspapers knew the Jets were rehearsing this. Had Manning not danced, Jersey/B would have been taken by surprise. Instead the Colts did exactly what they'd done in every recent game, which played into Jersey/B's hands.

Manning's chicken-wings act actively backfired on the down that sealed the Colts' season. The Jets leading 17-0, Indianapolis faced third-and-one with 2:21 remaining in the half. Before the snap, Manning waved and flapped like one of those 19th-century loons who pasted feathers on his arms trying to fly; Manning then walked up and down the line whispering a fake audible to every lineman. Snap, and Edgerrin James is dropped in the backfield for a loss; the Colts punt; the Jets score quickly and it's a depressing 24-0 at the half. Not one but two Jersey/B defenders came through untouched by human hands to maul James. Blockers have to make their reads and concentrate before the snap; Manning doing his impersonation of a chicken served only to distract them on this play.

Worse, as things went downhill, Dungy simply quit. See "Why Are You Punting?" below.

Playoff Coaching Pressure Analysis No. 2 -- Falcons at Packers: Just 10 days ago, Green Bay looked like the team to beat. Coming off a monster Week 15 win against the Niners in San Francisco, and a win against Buffalo a week later, the Packers were 12-3. They controlled their destiny for home-field and had never lost a playoff game in the state of Wisconsin, where they were guaranteed at least one date. Now the Packers are a blasted hulk, outscored 69-24 in a six-day period, defeated at home in the postseason for the first time, embarrassed at home. TMQ likens the Pack to the Russian battleship Suvorov, lying on its side after going from glorious flagship of a vast imperial fleet to flaming derelict in just 45 minutes of the battle of Tsushima Straight. (For tips on how to build a model of the Suvorov, click here.

True, Green Bay was beset by injuries. In retrospect one reason Sherman must have gotten so mad about the legal-but-nasty hit by Warren Sapp late in the Packers-Bucs game is that he knew the teams that do well in the postseason are the ones that have good fortune in avoiding injuries, and the loss of tackle Chad Clifton on that play seemed to begin an injury cascade for Green Bay.

Mike Sherman
"Hello, Delta? What's the fastest flight out of town?"
But injuries are a fact of life in football, and where was Sherman's response? He had the Packers totally unprepared for their date in Jersey and the chance to win a bye and critically needed rest for the injured. Green Bay came in acting like victory would be automatic over a dejected Jersey/B squad that would have learned, just before kickoff, that it had been eliminated from the playoffs. Sherman seemed not to have considered that New England and Cleveland might pull upsets, and the Jets would learn before kickoff that a victory would put them into the postseason. When the Meadowlands crowd went berserk just as the Green Bay-Jersey/B game was about to begin, Sherman had a look about him of, "I had no idea this might happen." He should have been prepared for a worst-case scenario.

And where was Sherman's determination? The punt-muff when it was Atlanta 14, Green Bay 0 in the second quarter sums it all. Sherman didn't challenge though replays showed the rock hit a Falcon first. At first the Green Bay coach claimed a zebra told him the play, which was reviewable, could not be challenged. After the zebras denied saying this, Sherman blamed the no-challenge on his own upstairs staff.

Whatever the zebras or booth guys said or didn't say, Sherman rolled over. He should have thrown his flag and pushed his button and demanded a challenge regardless, because if Atlanta gets the ball deep in Green Bay territory and has a chance to go up 21-0, the Packers are pretty much finished. TMQ's experience watching coaches work the sidelines -- and working the sidelines himself in the county league -- is that if you doggedly, passionately insist on something the officials will almost always listen, so long as you don't use curse words. (This later was what the insult-spewing Tom Coughlin never figured out.) Green Bay's season turned on whether Sherman would doggedly, passionately demand a review of the punt-muff call and he just stood there, mute. Atlanta got the ball deep in Green Bay territory, went up 21-0 and the Packers were pretty much finished.

Green Bay coaching breakdown footnote No. 1: Scoring on the first possession of the second half to make it Atlanta 24, Green Bay 7, Sherman should have onside kicked. Sure it's a gamble, but trailing by 17 in the playoffs, you've got to take chances. The Falcons were not in an onside formation, expecting the Packers to kick away. They did and Atlanta went on a 13-play clock-grinding drive that killed seven minutes and made it 27-7. Even the football gods sending snow couldn't help Green Bay at that point.

Hailey
Attention Seattle fans!
Green Bay coaching breakdown footnote No. 2: In both its last playoff appearances, Green Bay has resembled the Russian fleet at Tsushima. In these games, defeats by the Rams and Falcons, the wonderful Brett Favre has thrown eight interceptions. Knowing that Favre's Achilles' heel is pressing and throwing picks under postseason pressure, Sherman might have come into a Wisconsin-in-January bad-weather contest with a running game plan. (Ahman Green was hurting, but so were the Pack receivers; William Henderson was available to run, and in good health.) Instead in the game's opening drives, the Packers threw 11 times and ran just eight times. By going pass-wacky early, Green Bay quickly fell behind, and everything after that was desperation.

Green Bay management breakdown footnote: In my preseason preview of the Packers I wrote, "TMQ's concern is turmoil in the receiver corps. Green Bay let go Antonio Freeman, Corey Bradford and Schroeder to replace them with Terry Glenn, Robert Ferguson and Javon Walker, who rang up a combined 14 professional receptions last year. You tell me why." Walker played pretty well, but Donald Driver, who ended up the go-to guy, was perpetually injured. Against Atlanta, Robert Ferguson was cover-your-eyes awful, dropping four passes, two of which should have been touchdowns. Green Bay management ditched an efficient if aging receiver corps to bring in a guys who drop passes in big games. On Saturday, the chickens came home to roost.

Cheerleader of the Week: The TMQ ESPN Cheerleader of the Week is Hailey of the Seattle Blue Men Group, who has caught the eyes of many readers because, according to her team bio, her profession is "company director for Victoria's Secret." Hailey majored in business administration and has 13 years of dance experience. Obviously, she knows how to suck up to a bureaucracy: on the Sea Gals team page she declares that the most influential person in her life is, "Our Sea Gals director." She also says she would like to visit "Italy, or any place with sunshine and white sand." Hailey, Iraq has sunshine and white sand.

Karen
Forget the Colts, Karen would have been captain if she suited up in Seattle.
Check out Ms. Fitness USA, Hawks cheerleader Karen. By the looks of things, the Colts could have used her at linebacker against the Jets.

Playoff Coaching Pressure Analysis No. 3 -- Browns at Steelers: Butch Davis came in with a very aggressive game plan. He expected the Steelers to choke up against the run; they did, and Davis was ready. Cleveland passed often on first down and attempted 20 throws of 20 yards or more, with several long completions. Davis was not about to go down quietly, which the football gods admire. His charges were also stoked for the hostile Ketchup Field environment.

So Davis prepared well by TMQ's playoff yardstick, which holds that the farther into the postseason you go, the more important game plans and psyche-ups become. But achieving a big lead in the fourth, Davis erred under the pressure. First, he kept passing even once the moment had come that the opponent was not the Steelers but the official timekeeper. Cleveland got ball with 8:40 remaining and a lead of 33-21. From that point on the Oranges ran on five snaps and passed on 10, including five incompletions that stopped the clock. Aye caramba! Had Cleveland in the final 8:40 simply rushed up the middle for no gain on every snap, keeping the seconds ticking, Pittsburgh would have run out of time for its last-minute comeback. Davis either authorized or failed to stop this blunder by his offensive coordinator.

Davis also either authorized or failed to stop a blunder of similar magnitude by his defensive coordinator. The error had nothing to do with blitzing. Many sportswriters and bobbleheads decreed that the Steeler comeback occurred because the Browns had been blitzing through the first three quarters but backed off in the fourth. This shows how little attention certain professional sports nuts pay to what's actually happening on the field. TMQ, who charted the game, can assure you the Browns blitzed just twice on long-yardage downs throughout the contest, once in the first half and once in the second. A principal reason Cleveland was in good shape untill the end is that it played straight defense, resisting the urge to blitz.

But at the end, everything changed. The Steelers got the ball with 5:30 remaining, still trailing 33-21. To that point the Browns had allowed 229 yards in the game's first 54:30. Everyone groan in unison: Cleveland shifted to the prevent defense. For the remainder of the game, except on two goal-line plays, Cleveland rushed just three, allowing Tommy Maddox to scan the field. After giving up 229 yards in the game's first 54:30, Cleveland gave up 138 yards in the final 5:30. All the prevent defense prevents is punts!

Butch Davis
"Sorry if I don't make eye-contact. I'm already drunk."
In the game's final minutes, what Cleveland needed was conservatism -- running to kill the clock, and straight defense instead of the dreaded fraidy-cat prevent. Davis failed to see this. Some coaches can manage sideline decision-making under pressure and some can't.

For his part, Bill Cowher adjusted by having his offense switch to no-huddle after falling behind 27-14; immediately things got better. Cowher did make one deeply puzzling call. Trailing 17-7 on the first possession of the second half, the Steelers faced third-and-one at their 38. Cowher sent in the always-injured-in-big-games Jerome Bettis, who had not appeared to that point. Looking sluggish, Bettis took the handoff and lost two. The Oranges scored on their ensuing drive to make it a 24-7 lead. Bettis was immediately yanked, this being the sole snap on which he appeared. If not for the Steeler comeback, purists would be pointing to putting in an injury player for a critical play an incredible boneheaded move.

Mega-Babe Update: Ads for ABC's new show "The Bachelorette" aren't shy about displaying its mega-babe subject, dancer Trista Rehn, looking scrumptious in a bikini. Rehn was runner-up in "The Bachelor." You mean to say that Alex "The Bachelor" guy chose Amanda, the event planner from Kansas over Trista the mega-bod because he was actually attracted to Amanda for her mind? Talk about lack of realism!

(ESPN.com and ABC are owned by the same corporate parent. TMQ shamelessly sucks up to ABC and considers this fine so long as it's disclosed. Watch "The Bachelorette" season premiere Wednesday at 9!)

Stats of the Week: On Sunday, the home teams fell behind by a combined 71-35, then came back by a combined 40-0.

Stats of the Week No. 2: In a six-day period, Jersey/B scored 83 points.

The Bachelorette
How many guys are on this show? Um, no thanks.
Stats of the Week No. 3: In a three-week period, the Lucky Charms lost to Jersey/A and Jersey/B by a combined 85-27.

Stats of the Week No. 4: Jersey/B, which in a six-day period beat the Packers and Colts by a combined 83-17, two weeks earlier lost to Chicago.

Stats of the Week No. 5: Indianapolis finished just 17 of 28 on third-and-one snaps on the year.

Stats of the Week No. 6: Five players finished the 2002 season with a passer rating of 158.3, highest possible under the NFL's cryptic formula. All were non-QBs who threw a single pass, complete for a touchdown. Who finished with the highest rating among starting quarterbacks? Chad Pennington.

Stats of the Week No. 7: Of the 33 games Butch Davis has coached for the Cleveland Oranges (Release 2.1), 20 have gone down to the final play.

Stats of the Week No. 8: The new streak for playoff victories when the game temperature is below freezing is held by Atlanta.

Playoff Coaching Pressure Analysis No. 4 -- Giants at Niners: Steve Mariucci fell behind big at home. Was his team overconfident? Unprepared? TMQ had been warning in recent weeks that the Squared Sevens looked unfocused. But whatever mistakes Mariucci made in preparation, he compensated for by an outstanding sideline performance.

Jeff Garcia
Hottest dancing in Cali since Mark Madsen.
Once the Niners were behind 38-14 in the third and a full-bore emergency was in progress, Mariucci didn't shrug and concede as Tony Dungy did in a comparable situation. (See "Why Are You Punting?") Mariucci and his assistants made two significant adjustments. First, they let the offense go no-huddle, and immediately it snapped out of its funk. The tempo of no-huddle seemed to cure whatever had been ailing the Niners' attack. San Francisco even went no-huddle when the clock was stopped, several times rushing to the line for a quick hike after an incompletion. The Giants seemed incapable of sustaining such a pace -- it helped that their bodies were three time-zones off. By the mid fourth quarter, the Jersey/A front seven was sucking air, visibly exhausted.

Mariucci and his staff made a significant shift on defense as well. The Niners opened in a man-to-man, crowding the line to stop the Jersey run, about which San Francisco was concerned -- Tiki Barber was the only top-10 rusher to make the postseason. In the first half, the Giants reacted correctly, throwing against the man. And despite the fact that San Francisco has carpeted-bombed the cornerback position with high draft picks (three No. 1s and two No. 2s in recent years), Niners corners needed only butter and jam to make toast. All six Giants' scoring drives came against man defenses. Late in the third, the Niners switched to a two-deep zone. This made Jersey/A passes more difficult, and the Giants failed to score again in the game. Of course, the two-deep has its own weaknesses; see below. At any rate Mariucci's two tactical changes sparked a 24-0 run and the second-best playoff comeback in the known history of the universe.

As for Jim Fassel, he obviously has done quite a bit right. From the early-November point at which he took over playcalling, and at which Fassel is clearly gifted, the Giants went 7-3, made an improbable playoff run and came within a botched snap of glorious victory on a distant field. Fassel, like Butch Davis, also came into a hostile stadium with an aggressive game plan and executed it well through the first three quarters.

But like Davis, Fassel did not adjust as game conditions changed. When the Niners shifted to a two-deep zone, they offered the visitors the run. Leading by 24 points with only a little more than a quarter remaining, a deep zone against which to run should have been exactly what the Giants wanted. Rush! Grind the clock!

Jim Fassel
"Hey! My offense still scored 38 points!"
Yet from the point that Jersey/A took its 38-14 lead with 4:30 remaining in the third, until the Giants began their frantic final-minute drive to recover from the collapse, Fassel called seven passes and five runs. Had the Giants simply run up the middle for no gain on every one of those snaps, they probably would now be preparing to play Tampa. Yet Fassel seemed incapable of doing the obvious and simply grinding the clock. He appeared so in love with the thought of running up the score and getting praised for another offensive-genius performance, so eager to see Jeremy Shockey and Amani Toomer dance and finger-point anew, that he ignored one of the most basic premises of football tactics: when ahead late, go boring and run. And he ignored this basic premise when the Niners were showing a run-friendly defensive look. Ye gods.

The killer stat about the mother of all playoff comebacks, Buffalo rallying from a 35-3 deficit in the third to beat the old Houston Oilers, was that from the point at which the Oilers took their 35-3 lead, they passed 22 times and rushed six times. This was in the pass-wacky "run-and-shoot" era, when Houston did not even have a tight end on the roster. Still, had the Oilers simply rushed up the middle for no gain on every snap after taking the 35-3 edge, Buffalo would have run out of time, and the mother of all comebacks would not have happened.

Sunday's daughter of all comebacks was different, as Fassel did make some attempt to rush after attaining the big edge. But the dynamic was the same: neither the Oilers, ahead by 32, nor the Giants, ahead by 24, could accept that the timekeeper was now their opponent, and the way to defeat the timekeeper is by going boring. The Oilers of 1993 and the Giants of 2003 each seemed obsessed with more points so there would be more to boast about in the morning; each kept putting the ball in the air; each paid the price, and the football gods chortled.

Giants coaching breakdown footnote No. 1: Leading by five with three minutes left, Jersey/A faced fourth-and-one at the San Francisco 24. The Niners were down to two timeouts.

Matt Bryant
Somewhere, Scott Norwood is laughing hysterically.
Normally you'd say kick for an eight-point lead and two chances to win the endgame: first by stopping a touchdown, second by stopping a deuce try. But the Giants have had shaky kicking all season, and changed long snappers last week owing to an injury. In his heyday, Trey Junkin was one of the best snappers ever, lauded in TMQ's disquisition on snappers. But Junkin is also a 19-year vet who retired after the Cowboys released him in training camp. He was awakened from a sound sleep last Tuesday morning with an offer to report to the Giants on Wednesday. Junkin was such a recent arrival that the team's official roster for the Niners gamelisted him as a "rookie" and was blank on college and age.

At any rate the options Fassel faced were try for the first -- at least a 50/50 chance -- and the game is probably over; or kick and hit; or kick and miss and the Niners get good field position. Since the run was going well, the Giants averaging 4.1 yards per carry, going for it seemed attractive. Instead, Fassel kicked and missed, following a bad snap. The memory of the failed fourth-and-one in the Giants' season opener against the Niners must have been in Fassel's mind. But that was then and this was now. Knowing, as Fassel did, how bollixed his snapper situation was, why did he take a long-shot chance on a field goal that only somewhat helps, rather than a 50/50 chance on victory?

Best Loss of 15: With Cleveland leading 14-7 and two minutes left in the half, second-and-goal, Oranges wideout Kevin Johnson got the ball on a trick play that was supposed to be a pass back to the quarterback. Black-clad gentlemen in his face, Johnson simply took the sack, losing 15 yards. "What a great play!" TMQ exclaimed. Most trick-play men in this situation heave-ho a crazy pass. As it was, Cleveland notched a field goal on the possession and had a solid 10-point lead when the boys went in for hot cocoa at the half.

Best Self-Actualization: Three weeks ago, the Squared Sevens lost to the Packers in part because Jeff Garcia passed rather than running on several key downs. TMQ wrote, "The ethos of the quarterback -- enforced by sports pundits and bobblehead comments -- is that passing yards somehow count more than scramble yards. Though the gentleman in question scrambles effectively, you could almost see Garcia mentally calculating that it is more impressive to throw for the deciding gain than to run for it. Oh, how the Niners would later wish he had run." The item concluded, "Memo to Jeff Garcia: come to terms with yourself. You like to run. That's okay. Just run."

In the Niners' daughter of all comebacks, Garcia ran seven times for 60 yards, including a 14-yard touchdown off the naked boot. Jeff Garcia has come to terms with himself. He likes to run. That's okay. Just run.

Tony Dungy
No, Tony it isn't the swamp. It's your team that stinks.
Why Are You Punting?Trailing 27-0 in the middle of the third, the Colts faced fourth-and-eight from their 43. There's no tomorrow. There's no ranking computer that takes into account margin of victory or defeat. Indianapolis has no choice but to go for it! Instead Tony Dungy calls a punt. TMQ writes the words "game over" in his notebook, and for emphasis the Jets score on their ensuing possession. Sure fourth and eight is a long shot, but trailing by 27 you've got to take some chances, and this is a chance at midfield. Bad enough that NFL coaches, more concerned with avoiding criticism than going all-out to win, punt when trailing big late in regular-season games. But in playoff games there's no tomorrow! Why are you punting?

Why Are You Kicking? Behind 27-7 at the end of the third quarter, the Packers faced fourth-and-ten at the Atlanta 26. There's no tomorrow. There's no ranking computer that takes into account margin of victory or defeat. Green Bay has no choice but to go for it! Mike Sherman calls a field-goal attempt, and TMQ writes the words "game over" in his notebook; outraged, the football gods push the try wide. Even had the field goal hit, the Packers still would have trailed by three scores. Bad enough that NFL coaches, more concerned with avoiding criticism than going all-out to win, listlessly order field-goal attempts when trailing big late in regular-season games. But in playoff games there's no tomorrow! Why are you kicking?

Also, Pepsi Blue Would Be Great Without the Blue: Over the holidays, the Official Family of TMQ sampled new Vanilla Diet Coke. Official Brother Frank exclaimed, "This would taste pretty good if they took out the vanilla." Hey -- what a marketing concept! Coke, are you listening?

Music City Miracle; Candlestick Memory Lapse G-Person fans are groaning on this admission from the league that offsetting penalties should have been called on the final play of the Niners-Giants game, allowing a re-kick. And it's worse than the league admission makes it sound. Check the official Game Book, and you will see that guard Rich Seubert, who had reported eligible, was the one flagged for being illegally downfield. He was a legal receiver and should have drawn the pass-interference flag. Another Giants OL was downfield illegally, which is why the correct call would have been offsetting penalties and do-over for Jersey/A.

This is a reason why OLs should not play end in field-goal formations. Zebras are human beings, and they judge who's allowed downfield by the numbers on their jerseys. Some coaches believe you should never have linemen in the end positions for field goals, have tight ends or fullbacks there -- because if they do wind up downfield, by human nature the zebras might not remember which one was supposed to be eligible. This problem doesn't happen on tackle-eligible trick plays, because there's only one OL reporting as eligible and the fact that he is reporting is unusual and sticks in the officials' minds. Linemen reporting eligible on field goal attempts, on the other hand, are routine events and 99.9 percent of the time mean nothing to the play. The one time it did, the zebras forgot.

Bonus measure of human nature: none of the Fox bobbleheads who talked about the replay on and off for 15 minutes noticed this, either. Most telling, even the Giants coaches did not notice! Fassel did not protest to officials at the time that Seubert was eligible, and no Giants coaches mentioned it in the immediate aftermath of the game. Only after reviewing film did the Giants' own staff realize their man was eligible. Like many teams, the Giants before kickoff told the officials they would have linemen in eligible positions on every field-goal play; by the time the crunch happened almost four hours later, both officials and Giants staff had forgotten. Teams should avoid this problem by having gentlemen with eligible numbers in eligible positions on field goals, and lining up blockers as eligible only on trick plays.

TMQ Non-QB Non-RB MVP: The Associated Press MVP award has gone to Rich Gannon. Or rather, one should say the Associated Press Best QB/RB award has gone to Gannon. The AP trophy, generally recognized as the official NFL MVP designation -- the league itself treats it this way -- has been handed out to 47 gentlemen over the years. Just five were neither quarterbacks nor running backs: Gino Marchetti, Joe Schmidt, Alan Page, Mark Moseley and Lawrence Taylor.

The Sporting News NFL Player of the Year award, due soon, should likewise be called the Sporting News Best QB/RB award. This prize has gone to 53 gentlemen over the years and a mere two, Taylor and Lou Groza, were not offensive backfield glory boys.

Which brings us to the really big award of the season, the TMQ NFL Non-QB Non-RB MVP.

Rich Gannon
You don't win an MVP without someone making sure you don't end up eating turf.
TMQ is a purist and views "most valuable" through the lens of meaning: Whose loss would have hurt his team most? Linebacker Derrick Brooks, the only non-QB non-RB to receive a vote in this year's MVP balloting, would be an attractive choice. He led the Bucs defense to a No. 1 finish, and scored three touchdowns on pick returns. Jason Taylor was a legit Non-QB Non-RB MVP candidate until he went mental in the closing minutes of Miami's collapse at Disposable Razor Field, but then the entire Marine Mammals team went mental along with him. Pittsburgh's Joey Porter is also a legit candidate. Lance Schulters might have meant more to his defense than any other player in the league this season, including Brooks; he was the main reason Tennessee's defense rebounded from an awful year in 2001 to monster status in 2002. The Philadelphia offense would have been going nowhere fast without Tra Thomas. Same for Jersey/B without Kevin Mawae.

Worthy as these gentlemen are, the 2002 TMQ NFL Non-QB Non-RB MVP is Lincoln Kennedy of the Raiders. Oakland finished first in offense in part because no one bothered Gannon while he sat back watching those crossing routes and "rub" patterns develop. Everybody knew Oakland was pass-wacky; everybody knew another pass was coming; nobody could put a sweaty hand on Gannon's jersey. Fine line play was the key to the Raiders' success this season. Kennedy was the best Raider lineman, maybe the best lineman of 2002 period, and is the TMQ NFL Non-QB Non-RB MVP.

'Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed at All No. 1: Leading 33-28 with the Pittsburgh comeback in progress and the Ketchup Field crowd generating afterburner-decibel noise, the Cleveland Oranges (Release 2.1) had the ball at their 23 with 3:06 remaining and the Steelers holding two timeouts. The Oranges went run, incompletion, incompletion, punt; Pittsburgh got the ball back at 2:35 remaining, Cleveland having burned a paltry 31 seconds - and left the Steelers holding a timeout, since the incompletions stopped the clock.

Both Cleveland incompletions were drops beyond the first-down marker; had either been caught, the Oranges probably would have won. Especially here, had the Oranges simply rushed up the middle for no gain on all three plays, the Steelers might have run out of time. At the least, Pittsburgh would have been nervous about the clock on the closing plays. As it was, the Steelers arrived in the shadow of the Cleveland goal line with a minute left, sufficient time to feel confident.

TMQ, Grammar Snob:"It looks like we'll have cold temperatures tomorrow." Weather-bobbleheads constantly use this construction. But temperatures are mathematical concepts. Temperatures can be high or low, weather can be cold or warm: there cannot be cold temperatures.

Genie costume
I think it's safe to say we all dream of genie now.
TMQ Is Better Than Other Football Columns Because It's Raunchier: Officials of Frederick's of Hollywood, which is attempting a comeback, recently told the Wall Street Journal their wares are better than those of Victoria's Secret because Frederick's is "raunchier." Hailey of the Sea Gals, you'd better discuss with the marketing department the need to get raunchier. This is, after all, a long-term national trend. Check the latest in erotic corset technology here. For the holidays, any babe would look like a present in a genie-themed teddy. Frederick's naughty French maid's costume is much better than the one in the Budweiser ad, but is the model holding a duster or a whip? Frederick's signature feather boa now comes in four colors.

In another sign of the decline of Western civilization, the company has begun selling men's apparel too. Female and nontraditional male readers, check out the washboard abs of the hunk displaying the tiger kimono robe.

'Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed at All No. 2: Trailing 21-0 in the second quarter, the Packers had first-and-goal at the Falcons' one. Did Green Bay pound, pound, pound for the 99-percent likely score? Passes on two of four snaps, both incomplete, turnover on downs, ye gods. "Why is Green Bay passing so much from the one?" asked Grant, an Official Child of TMQ. To which TMQ could only reply, "Because they plan on ending their home playoff winning streak."

Maybe It Could Be Steven Spielberg's The Park at Candlestick Directed by Steven Spielberg: "Here at the -- what is this stadium called?" Joe Buck asked while broadcasting the Giants-Niners. The other bobbleheads couldn't answer, and several times through the broadcast referred to the mystery of what the field is called now.

3com Park
Forget the scoreboard, the name on the park should be digital.
Once it was Candlestick Park, one of the storied names in sports. Then it was 3Com Park, a storied name in tech stocks just long enough to bilk thousands of investors. The Visa card commercials (the ones that show a Garcia touchdown pass) still call it 3Com Park, and the Niners official site does too. When, however, 3Com stopped payment on its checks, the San Francisco City Council renamed the venue The Park at Candlestick Point. Please! The new name sounds like a condo development, or a fern bar with chardonnay at $12 the glass. Why not just revert to Candlestick Park, one of the storied names in sports?

From now until it gets a real name, TMQ will refer to this facility as Ye Olde Parke at Candlestick Pointe.

Two Cheers for Terrell Owens: What to make of Terrell Owens? After the Niners scored to take a 39-38 lead with a minute left, he committed personal fouls on successive downs -- first taunting, then a late hit. Either might have given Jersey/B excellent field position for a field goal to win, had not the Giants' Shaun Williams each time jumped in and committed an offsetting, equally boneheaded foul in retaliation against Owens. Williams ended up the Dwayne-Rudd-esque idiot of the game.

But imprudent as TO made himself seem, TMQ must note that when the Niners scored to make it 38-20 with barely more than a quarter remaining -- it's over, right? -- Owens went absolutely nuts, exhorting his teammates, screaming at them on the sidelines that they had to pull it out. He continued to be emotionally pumped throughout the contest, going nuts after almost every play. Owens' emotion might have helped the Niners more than any of his catches or deuces as the daughter of all comebacks proceeded. The football gods might not approve of dumb penalties Owens committed, but they smiled on his commitment. Great comebacks start with someone who refuses to lose.

Antwaan Randle El
Thanks to Antwaan, you'll have to take the Browns to the Super Bowl in private.
Sweet Play of the Day: Scoring with 54 seconds left to take the lead at 34-33, the Steelers wanted a deuce -- when the endgame is clear, even TMQ favors the 40 percent deuce try. Tommy Maddox sprinted off the field. Hines Ward lined up at quarterback, then went in motion. Antwaan Randle El took the direct snap and rolled right, then threw to Jerame Tuman for two. What a sweet play. But -- can't anyone on the Steelers use standard first-name spellings? ("Jerame" is pronounced "Jeremy.")

Maybe the Jets Line Should Be the Non-QB Non-RB MVP: As TMQ endlessly notes, screen passes, which should be high-percentage plays, often wheeze out because linemen charge downfield as if they themselves were running for touchdowns, neglecting to paste the first guy they can put a pad on. Often screen blockers end up hitting no one, so intent are they in charging downfield as if they themselves were running for touchdowns. Also, screen blockers tend to ignore pursuers behind the ballcarrier, though screen runners are often caught from behind.

Game scoreless in the first, on Jersey/B's first possession Richie Anderson took a screen 56 yards to the house owing to perfecto blocking. Guard Randy Thomas and center Kevin Mawae led the play. Thomas pancaked the first gentlemen he could put a pad on -- screen blockers, never try to guess where the play is going, just take out the closest guy and let the runner make the decisions. Mawae saw a gentleman coming up from behind, peeled back and pancaked him. Beauty-to-behold blocking.

Aging, knees-creaking Jets guard Dave Szott also pulled and pancaked Colts DE Brad Scioli at the corner on Lamont Jordan's second-quarter touchdown. Other Jets' blocking was consistently outstanding, Chad Pennington having that clean, freshly-pressed-uniform look throughout the contest. The Jets put up one of the best blocking games TMQ has ever seen.

Or Maybe Scott Gragg: Though Jeff Garcia dropped back to pass 48 times, the Giants sacked him zero times. All-boasting Jersey/A end Michael Strahan, who has celebrated his mega contract by taking much of the season off, never got close enough to advise Garcia to use Rogaine. Strahan was a non-factor - no sacks, two tackles - despite the Niners' line missing two starters during the furious fourth-quarter comeback. Strahan was neutralized by the almost-tastefully named Scott Gragg, who pushed Strahan around as if the extremely overpaid gentleman were a practice squad player. And when TO danced after the touchdown that made it 38-20, Strahan did an act too, screaming at Owens to look at the scoreboard. Strahan, however, did not back his boasting with play; Owens did.

Hidden Play: Sometimes the biggest downs don't show up in the box scores, but sustain or stop drives. Jersey/A 38, San Francisco 30 with 10:36 remaining, the Squared Sevens faced fourth-and-one on the Giants' 29. A stop by Jersey/A and the furious Niners' comeback might wheeze out. Jeff Garcia play-faked, then eyed his primary, then checked off to his secondary, then checked off to Tai Streets over the middle for a junky-looking four-yard gain. The Niners score a field goal on the possession and go on to win by one. This junky-looking four-yard gain was the biggest hidden play of a fantastic NFL weekend.

Also, note that the Niners took a chance on fourth-and-one in the fourth while the Giants did not in nearly identical circumstances. And whom did the football gods smile upon?

Dippin' Dots
They can invent this, but I can't get a signal on my cell phone.
In Star Trek, the Ice Cream of the Future Has Been Altered by Time Travel: Many sports facilities now sell Dipping Dots, "the ice cream of the future." TMQ is content to eat the ice cream of the past.

Football Gods Make Good a Debt One man was involved in both the Mother of All Comebacks, Buffalo-Houston in 1993, and the Daughter of All Comebacks, San Francisco-Jersey/A on Sunday. Bruce DeHaven was special-teams coach for the Bills in 1993, and is for the Niners now. DeHaven has now twice had the out-of-body experience most coaches never have, that of seeing his charges overcome an impossible lead while feeling the energy of a home crowd going nuts.

DeHaven was also the Buffalo special-teams coach for the Music City Miracle play; he was fired the following day, which is why he now toils in San Francisco. Pretty much everyone north of the Mason-Dixon Line continues to feel the Music City Miracle should have been flagged as a forward lateral. But if the football gods were cruel to DeHaven then, they repaid him Sunday as another blown call enabled DeHaven's kick defense unit to stop the Giants on the final play.

Harmonic Convergence: The last two playoffs games at Giants Stadium have both ended 41-0 for the home team.

Running Items Department:
Fiesta Bowl Bonus Coverage: Both of Miami's passing touchdowns came on big-blitzes by Ohio State, while the Buckeyes' third-and-10 interception, and several other third-and-long stops, came with Ohio State playing straight defense.

Reaching first-and-goal at the Ohio State one in the second overtime, needing a touchdown to ensure a third extra session, did Miami simply pound, pound, pound for the 99-percent likely six? Two runs and two incompletions, Ohio State is national champion. "Why is Miami passing so much from the one?" asked Grant, an Official Child of TMQ. To which TMQ could only reply, "Because they plan on ending their winning streak."

Ken Dorsey
To sum up, TMQ is always right.
The final play, fourth-and-goal from the two, was governed by TMQ's immutable law of the goal line, Regular Pass = Defeat. At the goal line, the defense has so little territory to defend that you can power-run, play-fake or roll out, but you can't regular pass. What did Miami call on fourth-and-goal from the two? Regular pass, and to top if off, Kenny Dorsey sprints backward. The defensive set, in which linebacker Cie Grant forced Dorsey into throwing the ball into the turf, might have looked like a big-blitz but wasn't. Four gentlemen pass-rushed.

Between the Miami-New England NFL game and this, Miami the city has been involved in two mega games in two weeks, and come out on the losing end of both. As fantastic as the BCS finale was, however, TMQ continues to believe the event in Tempe should be renamed the Fiasco Bowl.

New York Times Final-Score Score:. The Paper of Guesses returns to its habitual 0-4 in its triumphant attempt to predict an exact final score, bringing the New York Times Final-Score Score to 1-779 since TMQ began tracking.

Reader Animadversion: Quasi-suspended this week as TMQ did not read email over the holiday break. Though in our continuing coverage of the vital public-policy issue of the Eagles' cheer-babes lingerie calendar, many readers have asked to see the pose by Michelle, whose team bio says she is a professional dancer who is studying for her degree in elementary education. Once again unlike any teacher you or I ever had! Buy the calendar, which arrives in plain brown wrapping, here.

Got a comment or a deeply felt grievance? Register it here.

Michelle
I believe Van Halen said it best: "I'm hot for teacher."
TMQ Challenge: Last summer TMQ and the Official Wife of TMQ dined in Aspen, Colorado, on the tab of the super-respectable Aspen Institute, at the ultra-chic Pacifica restaurant. We do not know if our presence caused those sitting nearby to cease feeling ultra-chic.

One item on the menu: a dessert of white chocolate jalapeno mousse. Chocolate jalapeno! Wacky or pretentious combinations of ingredients have taken over restaurants; TMQ expects to see reduction of blueberry-alioli-asiago-seaweed compote on the menu at Denny's soon. A few years ago, I began to think that every possible weird combination of food ingredients had already been used. Evidently I was wrong.

What's the most wacky or pretentious thing you've seen on a restaurant menu lately? Submit here, identifying the establishment by name and city and including a Web address if the restaurant has one.

A final note. According to my contract, negotiated for me by Jon Kitna, I get a huge bonus if this column runs just six words longer. So, Happy New Year to -- .

{To ESPN.com editors from ESPN corporate management: please delete the word "you" at the end of the Easterbrook column.}

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 5:12 PM

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Affiliate follies frustrate NFL fans
By Gregg Easterbrook
Page 2 columnist

On Sunday the nation's capital, where TMQ lives, did not see Miami at New England -- the consensus five-star matchup of the day, essentially a playoff contest and, as it turned out, among the most dramatic and exciting NFL games ever played. The local affiliate of CBS, which had the rights to Miami-New England, showed instead the meaningless Jax at Indianapolis collision.

Why this ludicrous result? Miami-New England was a 1 p.m. ET kickoff, and the sold-out Cowboys at Persons game was airing on the Washington Fox affiliate at that time. League rules forbid either CBS or Fox from showing any game while a sold-out home game is airing on the opposite network. The meaningless Jax at Indy collision kicked off in the late slot, the only time the league would allow Washington's CBS affiliate to show a game this Sunday.

Think about the rule: if a home date is sold out, the other network is forbidden to air any game at the same time. In effect, this penalizes the home city for buying all the tickets to a game. Only the NFL could come up with a rule that penalizes cities for selling out their stadiums. And once again the NFL goes to unlimited expense to create a fabulous product, then prevents the public from seeing it, for the sinister purpose of -- what? Miami-New England surely would have drawn better ratings for the local CBS affiliate, even across from the home game, than did the meaningless Jax at Indy contest.

Greg Aiello, the league's spokesman, told TMQ the rule that kept the fabulous Miami-New England game off the tube -- and has kept other fabulous games off the tube in other cities, while losing home teams play meaningless contests on the opposite network -- exists because, "Our emphasis has always been on the interests of the home team." So the league has an interest in protecting the home team from competition? If the home team is playing on one channel, and there's a better game on the other channel, why can't fans decide for themselves what to watch? The home team would need to be protected from channel-switching competition only if it was so bad that home fans didn't want to watch. If the home-team game was desirable, fans would switch to it of their own accord. The rule exists, in other words, to compel viewers to watch woofer games. Ye gods.

To top it off, CBS switched much of the nation to the final two minutes of regulation of the Miami-New England game -- then switched off the overtime. Fox had the doubleheader (late game) slot for the day, and another inane league rule says that CBS or Fox must turn off an early game that goes into overtime when the doubleheader game starts on the opposite network. That is, both networks are required to turn off overtimes, the most exciting moments in pro football, in order to show the first few minutes, the least exciting moments in football, of other games.

So the year in which the NFL renewed the DirecTV monopoly on Sunday Ticket, denying the chance to watch any game to the majority of the U.S. taxpayers whose taxes fund the stadiums that make NFL profits possible, concludes with the NFL denying the nation's capital permission to watch one of the most dramatic NFL games ever. (DirecTV fans, please don't bomb me with more e-mail. I have nothing against DirecTV, which is terrific if you can get it. The problem is that only about 10 percent of Americans get it, and millions cannot receive the DirecTV signal at any price, for technical reasons).

Adam Vinatieri
While Adam Vinatieri celebrated his game-winning field goal, some NFL fans could only wish they saw such a thrilling finish.
How is it that pro football remains the nation's most popular sport despite the constant, diligent, undaunted efforts of the league front office to prevent the public from seeing the best games? At least now we enter the playoffs, when the U.S. taxpayers, who are taxed to build the stadiums that make NFL profits possible, are at last set free from the NFL's inane rules designed to prevent the best games from being seen; all playoff contests are nationally televised.

In other football news, I love New York! (Which is, for NFL purposes, located in New Jersey.) The Giants and Jets staged back-to-back monster home games that propelled each team to improbable playoff slots. Has any stadium ever before played host to contests on consecutive days in which the home teams both won and both made the playoffs in so doing? One-hundred fifty-seven thousand five-hundred and fifteen people were standing throughout most of the length of both games. Surely among the 157,515 combined attendance must be at least someone who went to both games and that person, medical experts report, will be hoarse until Valentine's Day.

Miami Collapse Point No. 1: Leading by three, the Marine Mammals had first down on their 4-yard line with 2:42 remaining in regulation and the home crowd of the defending champion Patriots making so much noise you couldn't have heard an F14 catapulted off an aircraft carrier. The Dolphins spent an entire year preparing for exactly this moment -- when you must power-run in bad weather late in the year. Ricky Williams, acquired to give the Dolphins that ability, to that point in the game had carried for 177 yards. What did Miami do? Incompletion, incompletion, scramble on a busted pass, punt.

Dave Wannstedt said afterward that he knew the Patriots would be crowding the line and didn't want Williams stuffed for no gain; it's a fair concern. But the two incompletions stopped the clock, allowing New England time to get into position for the last-minute field goal that forced overtime. Even if Williams had simply run up the middle for no gain for three straight plays, the Patriots would either have expended their time-outs, or gotten the ball back with most of the clock expired. Ye gods.

Miami Collapse Point No. 2: The kicking-game errors that catch the eyes of sports bobbleheads are blocked kicks, missed figgies or fumbled returns. But subtler events can be killers, too. The reason the Marine Mammals were mired on their 4 with 2:42 to play was that return man Travis Minor spent several crucial seconds staring at a New England kickoff, doing nothing. Miami had its return team up, in case of an onside; New England kicked away. The ball bounced around close to the goal line and Minor seemed confused about whether it was a punt -- returners are coached never to touch punts inside the 10 -- or a kickoff, a live ball. As Pats descended to dive on the live ball, Minor finally woke up and fielded it, but was buried at his 4. Had he simply fielded the ball like any normal kickoff, the Dolphins would not have been mired near their goal line.

Dave Wannstedt
Dave Wannstedt ponders the many reasons for Miami's collapse.
Then, following the perplexing all-passing series, Miami punted from its 11 with 2:18 remaining in regulation. Mark Royals shanked a hideous 23-yard punt, putting New England in business at the Mammals' 34. After the figgie that forced a fifth session, the Pats won the toss. Olindo Mare kicked off out of bounds, putting New England in business at its 40. Combined, these kicking-game blunders handed the Patriots about 50 yards of field position in the game's closing moments, about the same as New England itself gained.

Miami Collapse Point No. 3: The Mammals missed the playoffs when their defense, ranked third in the league, could not hold fourth-quarter leads in consecutive weeks, including an 11-point lead with three minutes to play against New England.

Worst Stationary Packer No. 1: Game scoreless in the first, the Packers had Jersey/B facing second and eight. The Jets called a fly to Laveranues Coles on the right sideline. Packers corner Mike McKenzie simply let Coles go by, McKenzie being busy making the high-school mistake of "looking into the backfield" trying to guess the play. The play was a pass to his man, completed for 43 yards. The Jets score a touchdown two snaps later and suddenly the heavily favored Pack has a problem.

Worst Stationary Packer No. 2: Now trailing by that touchdown, the Packers had third-and-goal at the Jets' 4 late in the second quarter. The play was a roll-out right. Inexperienced Pack receiver Robert Ferguson cut across the end zone from the left and his man fell down; Ferguson came to an all-stop halt and stood waving his hand. Brett Favre, meanwhile, was scrambling on the right. When the quarterback is scrambling, the rule for receivers is that they either come back toward him or break deep for the end zone. Since you can't break deep toward the end zone when you are already in the end zone, Ferguson should have come back toward Favre. Instead he stood like a statute and by the time the pass was launched his way, a Jersey/B defender had reacted and managed to knock the ball down. Green Bay had to settle for three and suddenly the heavily favored Pack looks shaky.

Worst Stationary Packer No. 3: Wayne Chrebet of Jersey/B cooked the Packers' goose by twice catching touchdowns on third-and-12. Both times he was covered by corner Tod McBride. Both times he ran the spin-Z-in (spin-Zed-in to Canadians). Both times McBride, who was backed off, just stood there watching Chrebet, not even moving until the reception had been made and the small green gentleman was headed toward the end zone.

Cindy
Honestly, Cindy, you're too principled for acting or advertising.
Cheerleader of the Week: We can't bid adieu to the high-aesthetic-appeal Miami cheer-babes till next summer without honoring one more, so the TMQ ESPN Cheerleader of the Week is Cindy of the Dolphins. According to her team bio, Cindy has nine years of ballet training, including at the Joffrey in New York. She aspires "to become an actress or work in the field of advertising." Cindy reports that she is ethnically Hispanic, likes Thai food and the one thing she can't stand is "dishonesty." But she wants to go into acting or advertising?

Future historians will pour over the Marine Mammals' ultra-serious Cheerleader History page, which among things recounts how over the years the Miami cheer-babes first had, then discarded, and now have again go-go boots.

Why Are You Punting? Trailing 6-0 in the late third, Chicago faced fourth-and-seven on the City of Tampa 38. Go for it? Hoist a 55-yard field goal attempt with a strong-legged kicker who earlier this year hit from 53? Bears coach Dick Jauron decided to punt; the punt rolled into the end zone for a touchback and a laughable net of 18 yards; emboldened by Chicago's mincing fraidy-cat play, the Bucs staged a 16-play drive that put the game out of reach. The 4-11 Bears came into the night with nothing to lose. Trailing, they punted from the opposition 38. Aye caramba.

Why Are You Kicking? Trailing 20-0 with 27 ticks remaining in the half, the Bengals faced fourth-and-goal on the Buffalo 2. Cincinnati coach Dick LeBeau decided to kick the field goal. Now he's only behind 20-3; whoopee! The 2-13 Bengals came into the game with nothing to lose. They're behind by 20 points. Trailing big you've got to take some chances, and there aren't going to be many chances more attractive than a snap on the opposition 2-yard line. LeBeau seemed more concerned with avoiding a shutout than trying for victory. Aye caramba.

They Once Were Kings No. 1: The Ravens defense, just two years ago allowing the fewest points ever, had the Steelers at midfield, nine seconds remaining in the half, Pittsburgh out of time outs. The Steelers can either Hail Mary or throw a deep out hoping for field goal position. Since the Ravens know these are the only options, there's no way Baltimore will allow a Pittsburgh receiver to get to the sidelines, right? Deep out to Plaxico Burress, who immediately steps out of bounds at the 25, stopping the clock; the Ravens DB looked like he had absolutely no idea this was coming. Field goal on the next snap and the Ravens trail 20-14 at the half. Yumpin' yiminy.

Antwaan Randle El, Lee Mays
Antwaan Randle El, left, celebrates after burning the Baltimore defense.
They Once Were Kings No. 2: "One one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand, four one-thousand, five one-thousand, six one-thousand, seven one-thousand, eight one-thousand." That's how long TMQ counted as Tommy Maddox scanned the field before heave-hoeing the winning pass to Antwaan Randle El in the fading moments against the Ravens defense, which just two years ago allowed the fewest points ever.

'Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed at All No. 1: Leading by a touchdown with 6:08 remaining in the fourth, San Diego got the ball on its own 24. On the possession the Bolts, the league's seventh-ranked rushing team, ran once and passed six times. Four of the six passes were incompletions, stopping the clock. After the punt, the Seattle Blue Men Group staged an 18-play drive to score with five seconds remaining and force overtime, during which San Diego lost. Had the Chargers simply rushed up the middle for no gain on every snap of their possession, Seattle would have run out of time.

'Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed at All No. 2: In terrible conditions at Not Bankrupt Yet Coliseum, Kansas City passed 13 times and rushed eight times while the game was close in the first half; Oakland passed 11 times and ran 28 times through the same period. Sure, the Chiefs did not have Priest Holmes. But how could they possibly have thought passing was going to work in a downpour?

Stats of the Week: Kansas City, the league's highest-scoring team and the league's second-best in turnover differential, finished last in its division.

Stats of the Week No. 2: In the past two seasons, San Diego has started a combined 11-3 and finished a combined 2-16.

Stats of the Week No. 3: In the past two seasons, New Orleans has started a combined 14-7 and finished a combined 2-9.

Stats of the Week No. 4: In the past two seasons, Chicago has gone on streaks of 13-3 and then 4-13.

Stats of the Week No. 5: The Giants won to make the playoffs despite fumbling seven times at home.

Stats of the Week No. 6: Miami lost and missed the playoffs despite a 140-yard edge in rushing yards and being plus-two in turnovers on the road.

Stats of the Week No. 7: Before this season, no defending Super Bowl champion had ever allowed three opponents to exceed 200 yards rushing. New England allowed four.

Stats of the Week No. 8: San Diego's season finished on a downer when its defense could not hold a 14-point lead at home with seven minutes to play.

Stats of the Week No. 9: Since the moment two years ago when the tastefully named Gregg Williams junked the cautious, position-oriented scheme of Buffalo's perennially high-ranking defense in order to install the gamble-everything-for-takeaways "46," the Bills have recorded the fewest takeaways in any two-year period in franchise history. They finished second-last in takeaways in 2001 and last in takeaways in 2002.

Stats of the Week No. 10: Former Cowboys coach Dave Campo was 5-1 against the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons and 10-32 against all other teams.

Stats of the Week No. 11: The Boy Scouts collapsed to miss the playoffs by dropping their final three to Minnesota, Cincinnati and Carolina -- three losing teams which finished a combined 15-33.

Stats of the Week No. 12: Jersey/B, Seattle and Tennessee opened a combined 4-14 and finished a combined 23-7.

Shawn Barber, Tiki Barber
Of the league's top rushers, only Tiki Barber is still running.
Stats of the Week No. 13: Just one of the top-10 rushers, Tiki Barber, will appear in the postseason. Ricky Williams, LaDainian Tomlinson, Priest Holmes, Clinton Portis, Travis Henry, Deuce McAllister, Jamal Lewis, Fred Taylor and Corey Dillon will watch on television.

Stats of the Week No. 14: The City of Tampa defense allowed only 10 touchdown passes while making 31 interceptions.

Stats of the Week No. 15: Marvin Harrison bested the single-season receptions record by almost a fifth, finishing with 143 catches; the previous mark was 123.

Stats of the Week No. 16: Rob Johnson of Tampa attempted 43 passes in the season's final two games and was sacked 10 times. This rate of one sack per 4.3 attempts was much worse than the sack rate of David Carr, who went down once per 5.8 attempts. Had Carr gone down at the same rate per attempt as Johnson, he would have been sacked 103 times.

Stats of the Week No. 17: Starting the last nine games for the Blue Men Group, Matt Hasselbeck finished on a pace to break the NFL all-time passing yardage record, with 5,288 yards. The season record, held by Dan Marino, is 5,084 yards.

Matt Hasselbeck
Look out, Dan Marino. Matt Hasselbeck's gunning for your yardage record.
Stats of the Week No. 18: At 12-33, Dick LeBeau managed to compile the worst coaching record in Bengals history -- .266 versus .267 for the previous title holder, Dave Shula.

Mega-Babe Professionalism: In driving rain and a kickoff temperature of 50 degrees at Not Bankrupt Yet Coliseum, the high-aesthetic-appeal Raiderettes came out in cutoff jackets and hot pants. The football gods, impressed, rewarded their team with victory. The entire Kansas City coaching staff wore full-body rain suits with rain pants and hoods, dressed to crew a trawler headed for the North Atlantic to take cod. The Oakland sideline wore windbreakers and baseball caps. A football-gods-appeasing double for the Raiders!

This Week's Marty Mornhinweg Forehead-Slapper: Early in the fourth against the Vikings, the Peugeots scored a touchdown to make it Minnesota 35, Detroit 30. Mornhinweg went for two, clang. Later Minnesota kicked a field goal, then with 16 seconds left the Peugeots scored to make it Minnesota 38, Detroit 36; this time the home team had to go for two and again clang, game over. Had Detroit simply kicked the singleton on the earlier touchdown, it could have forced overtime with a singleton at the end. Though technically Mornhinweg's decision conformed to the TMQ immutable law, Take One Till the Fourth, TMQ reiterates that unless the hour is very late or you're trailing big, you are almost always better off with a 99 percent likelihood of one than a 40 percent chance of two.

The New Threat to Marino Is Matt Hasselbeck? On Saturday at 8:08 p.m. ET, Dan Marino lit a cigar as the Raiders game concluded with Rich Gannon pulling up shy of the season passing yardage record. It'll sit on the Marino mantelpiece quite a while longer, TMQ thinks.

Jeremy Shockey
Two words for you, Jeremy Shockey: Brian Bosworth.
Memo to Jeremy Shockey: You're hot, but you are also dancing on every catch, throwing a fit on every zebra call, spiking the ball after short gains and when you snagged the touchdown against Philadelphia, you screamed boasts of prowess into the face of Pro Bowl safety Brian Dawkins, who has done a lot more at this level than you have. Oh ye mortals, trifle not with the football gods. The sort of behavior Shockey is exhibiting can only lead to woe.

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! Leading by seven in the second quarter at Not Bankrupt Yet Coliseum, the Raiders go for it on fourth-and-five from the Kansas City 27 -- weather conditions ruled out a figgie attempt. Big-blitzing on such a down is totally predictable in the NFL. It's a big blitz! Completion to Tim Brown for the first, and the Long Johns score a touchdown three plays later. (To be fair to the last-ranked Kansas City defense, in the third quarter the Raiders faced fourth-and-seven again on the Chiefs' 27 and again went for it. This time Kansas City rushed three, completion to Jerry Rice for the first and Oakland scored five plays later.)

But Verily, Football Gods, How Doth Thou Explain Denver? The Broncos finished third in total offense and sixth in total defense -- best in the league in combined yardage efficiency. (Pittsburgh was second by this yardstick, fifth in total offense and seventh in total defense.) Yet Denver didn't make the playoffs. True, the Broncs' turnover differential was a negative five, but Cleveland, Indianapolis and the Jets, all playoff teams, also had negative turnover differentials. And it wasn't the kicking game, as Denver did well on field goals and returns and about average on kick defense. So how could the Broncos be the best combined offense-defense team in the league and not make the postseason? TMQ can't explain it either.

Since It Was a Bengals Contract, He Was Required to Throw Those Interceptions: Had quarterback Jon Kitna played six more downs in the Buffalo game, he would have hit a contract performance milestone and earned a $1.6 million bonus. With 3:19 remaining, Kitna threw an interception. The Bills promptly fumbled the ball back. With 1:37 remaining, Kitna threw another interception.

Worst Coaching-Staff Failure to Read TMQ No. 1: Lately this column has repeatedly warned against throwing regular passes close to the goal line, where regular passes are hard to complete because the defense has so little territory to defend; at the goal line only runs, roll-outs and play-fakes are effective. Eagles 7, Giants 0 and Jersey/A faces second and goal at the Philadelphia five. Run! Or play-fake! Regular pass, interception.

Worst Coaching Staff Failure to Read TMQ No. 2: And lately this column has repeatedly pointed out that several NFL offensive coordinators, including in Buffalo, Houston and Oakland, have developed the peculiar habit of having their quarterbacks sprint backward in goal-to-go situations.

Late in the third, the Moo Cows trailed the Flaming Thumbtacks by six and faced second-and-goal at the Tennessee 6. David Carr -- who to that point in the game had not been sacked -- sprinted backward. Sack, loss of 8. One third-and-goal, Carr sprinted backward again. Sack again, loss of 10. The Texans ended up kicking a field goal on fourth-and-goal from the 24!

When you're close to the house, power-run, play-fake or roll out. Don't sprint backward More proof of theorem, though Detroit games may not count. Needing a deuce conversion to force overtime with 13 seconds remaining, the Peugeots came out in a shotgun, and on fielding the snap the already far-from-the-line Mike McMahon immediately sprinted backward. Incompletion, game over.

James Thrash
TV announcers reversed their double-reverse call about James Thrash's touchdown run on a reverse.
Best Booth Reading of TMQ: Philadelphia handed off to an end going around right; he handed back to James Thrash going left, and Thrash ran for six. This is the very play, executed by the Eagles previously in the season, that TMQ cited a few weeks ago as the exemplar of the action that announcers describe as a double reverse, but is actually a single reverse. The ball started in Direction A and came back in Direction B. That's one reverse, not two.

How did the announcers call it? "It's a double reverse!" Joe Buck shrieked. "Wow, a double reverse!" Chris Collinsworth seconded. As these bobbleheads gushed over the replay, four times the phrase "double reverse" was used. Cut to commercial. Coming back, Buck and Collinsworth both pointedly called the play a "reverse" without noting they had previously called it a double reverse. During the commercial, one of the booth guys must have whispered into their earpieces, "TMQ is going to have a field day if you keep calling this a double reverse."

What Really Matters About Sport: Thirteen-year-old Grant, a Marine Mammals aficionado and an Official Child of TMQ, was inconsolable after the Dolphins' collapse at Disposable Razor Field. Reason: he got a Ricky Williams jersey for Christmas and, he explained, "Now I have to wait a whole year, till they win the first time next fall, to wear it to school. If I wear it now, the guys will make fun of me." What can a parent say to that?

Playoff Coaching Watch: It's money time, which means that on the field we separate the men from the excessively pumped XY-chromosome individuals. And it means that we separate the mojo coaches from guys who merely schedule practices and toss out balls.

One Tuesday Morning Quarterback immutable law of the NFL is that the farther a team goes into the playoffs, the more important game plans and psyche-ups become. During the regular season, coaches who just schedule practices and toss out balls may be enough for a talented team to get Ws. As the postseason advances and the pressure ratchets, game-plan details and psyche tactics become paramount.

Note, for example, that during the same period when the Buffalo Bills were losing four Super Bowls to teams from the NFC East, the Bills pasted the NFC East during the regular season, through the 1990s compiling a 14-2 record against that division. The regular-season Bills of that era beat the Cowboys in Dallas, beat the Giants in Jersey, beat the Persons in Washington (when they actually played in Washington); when postseason rolled around, they lost to these selfsame teams. Although Buffalo had an admirable Hall of Fame coach in Marv Levy, he was a toss-out-the-balls type. Levy's practices were known as Club Marv; he disparaged the importance of game plans and often said it was up to the players to prepare themselves psychologically. During the regular season, this laissez-faire approach sufficed. During the playoffs, Levy was consistently outcoached.

For the remainder of the year, TMQ will hyper-analyze with special emphasis on whether the coaches can take the pressure.

Brandi Bragg, Jewell Whittaker, Andrew
Powerball jackpot winner Andrew "Jack" Whittaker Jr., center right, made like an NFL player and got as much cash as he could up-front.
Next Powerball Prize: Billions of Shares of WorldCom! "West Virginia Man Wins $314.9 Million in Powerball," headlines read across the country. Except he didn't win $314.9 million, he won $170.5 million by the organization's own accounting. Now, $170.5 million is heady enough. The fictional claim of a $314.9 million was achieved by Powerball offering to space the payments out over 29 years as an annuity, making the sum in question appear almost twice as large as it actually was.

Today's money ("discounting to present value") is always what really matters. The West Virginia winner, who seems to understand economics better than the TV talking heads who were screeching about $314.9 million, wisely chose to take the entire $170.5 million immediately. If your salary was $100,000, and your employer offered you the option of $185,000 paid over 29 years, would you fall for that?

Many state-run lotteries -- whose primary function is to trick the poor and working-class into throwing their money away, but that's a separate argument -- use calculations of drawn-out payments plus interest to inflate the apparent prize. Which is one means to trick the poor and working-class into throwing their money away, but that's a separate argument. The national media invariably play along, breathlessly reporting the fictional future value of lottery prizes rather than their actual present value. These are the same journalists and talking heads, bear in mind, who constantly get wrong financial details about corporations, lawsuits and the federal budget, and who hyped tech stocks as gold mines.

Best Line Play: The Jets' skill players made the flashy plays, but the Jersey/B lines on both sides of the ball had a fabulous day against Green Bay. And the William Green 64-yard touchdown run as the afternoon light was fading over Oranges Stadium, putting the Cleveland Oranges (Release 2.1) into the playoffs, came behind fabulous line blocking. You could run 64 yards too if no one touched you.

Though Anything That Gets Halle Berry Into a Bikini Can't Be All Bad:This recent story, headlined US RECEIVES WARNINGS FROM NORTH KOREA, says Pyongyang has warned Washington of "uncontrollable catastrophe" if the United States makes any move against the North's nuclear program.

Pyongyang threatens Washington? This causes TMQ to think that North Korean diplomats have spent too much time watching the new Bond flick "Die Another Day," in which a rogue North Korean colonel almost brings the world to its knees using a satellite death ray.

One must suspend disbelief on many Bond premises like death rays, of course. But what drove TMQ crazy about the rogue North Korean colonel in "Die Another Day" is that he is depicted as phenomenally ultra-rich. He lives in extreme opulence; mansions, race cars, private armies of henchmen. He builds from scratch a four-star luxury hotel in remote Iceland just to call a meeting of some celebrities he wants to impress, then as soon as the meeting is over, destroys the hotel. He's got an airborne hideout in a modified Antonov-225, the largest plane in the world. And he controls a super-advanced satellite capable of taking over the world.

How could a North Korean colonel afford all this stuff? North Korea is one of the world's poorest countries, with a GDP of just $22 billion, 50 percent less than the GDP of the state of Rhode Island. Nobody in Rhode Island can afford a death star capable of controlling the world, so how can a North Korean?

NASA's International Space Station -- see how many seconds it has been in orbit -- weighs about 500 tons; TMQ scientifically estimates that the huge death star depicted in "Die Another Day" would have to weigh at least half that amount. To launch 250 tons to low-Earth orbit would require about 10 flights of the largest United States, Russian or French rockets. The launch costs alone would exceed $2 billion, and 10 heavy-lifter launches (or even one) would be impossible to conceal from the world intelligence community or from NORAD. Then there's the cost of the object itself. Even assuming the death-star technology were licensed free, the rule of thumb is that the manufacturing expense of space payload is about $100 million per ton. So construction of the rogue North Korean colonel's death star would cost perhaps $25 billion -- more than the entire GDP of North Korea. How could a rogue North Korean colonel afford all this stuff?

There is some brief babbling about him profiting from the sale of African "conflict diamonds," but in the movie's only diamonds scene the rogue colonel is buying diamonds, not selling them. At any rate since the global retail diamond trade is about $56 billion per annum, and wholesale represents about a third of that, the rogue North Korean colonel would have had to take over the entire world diamond business for more than a year to raise the money to fund his death star, and don't we think the Israelis and South Africans might have had something to say about that?

Pierce Brosnan, Halle Berry
Buddhists, bellies and Berry: Pierce Brosnan gets cozy with Halle in "Die Another Day."
Satellite note: the rogue colonel's satellite is depicted as using a huge mirror to collect sunlight into a pulsating death beam. A few years ago Glavkosmos, the old Soviet space agency, unfurled a large mirror satellite named Znamya to see if it could be used to bring sunlight to the parts of Siberia that experience endless night in winter. Znamya turned out to reflect, into a small area, less light than that of a full moon; calculations suggested a mirror satellite would have to be thousands of feet across just to collect enough photons to simulate weak daylight. Can any physics-avid TMQ reader perform an incredibly scientifically advanced calculation of how large a mirror satellite would have to be to collect enough sunlight to power a death ray? Use the link at Reader Animadversion, below. Assume a perfectly efficient death ray. And if you can provide detail on how it would work, you and I could rule the world together from an airborne command post.

Raging Buddhists note: South Korean crowds have rioted against the showing of "Die Another Day" because they contend it defiles Buddhism by depicting Bond and Berry having sex in a Buddhist shrine. Shouldn't a real Buddhist be able to let go of such concerns? Attachment to the symbols of the world can only cause sorrow. At any rate, Bond and Berry are not depicted having sex in the shrine. She's laying on the ground distressingly over-clothed, and he's putting diamonds into her navel. This is what passes for erotic in contemporary Hollywood.

Bond sex note: Elsewhere in the movie, a Chinese mega-babe masseuse comes to Bond's elegant hotel suite. Using his acute double-oh instincts, Bond senses the Chinese secret service has set up a hidden camera to film him having sex with the masseuse, in order to use the pictures for blackmail. How could you blackmail James Bond with pictures of him having sex with a mega-babe? You'd blackmail James Bond with a film of him not having sex.

By the Hammer of Grabthar, He Was Avenged! Mark Fields, cut by New Orleans two seasons ago shortly after he had returned from representing the city in the Pro Bowl, now plays for Carolina. When the Boy Scouts went for it on fourth-and-seven from the Panthers' 30, trailing by four with three minutes left and their playoff invite on the line, Fields sacked Aaron Brooks.

Canny Management Note: On the above sack, Saints all-boasting left tackle Kyle Turley blocked air, standing and watching as Fields shot by. Recall that last season, Willie Roaf was the Boy Scouts' left tackle. The same New Orleans braintrust that waived Fields unloaded Roaf to the Chiefs for a middle-round draft pick. Roaf proceeded to make the Pro Bowl, while the Saints had all kinds of offensive line problems during their December fade.

Miami Collapse Point No. 4: All-boasting Cris Carter, brought in by the Marine Mammals at midseason, dropped a touchdown pass that would have won Miami's Week 16 game and put the team into the postseason, then had zero catches in the New England showdown. TMQ warned the week that Carter was signed that his yapping, me-first attitude would introduce a virus into the Dolphins' bloodstream, jeopardizing their reputation for winning with average talent because they are one of the league's team-oriented, high-character squads.

Evidence of the virus was seen when Miami, leading 21-13 with eight minutes to play, intercepted a Tom Brady pass and seemed positioned to ice the game. Jason Taylor, normally a high-character team-oriented player, staged a Jeremy-Shockey-like tirade, screaming boasts of prowess into Brady's face. TMQ cannot recall, under Wannstedt, ever seeing a Dolphin lose it like this -- until Carter joined the team. For the remainder of the afternoon, as the Dolphins collapsed and their season imploded, Taylor was a nonfactor -- his name does not appear in the Game Book until New England's second-to-last down, when Taylor had an assist as the Pats reached the Miami 17, whence they lofted the winning overtime kick. Cris Carter contributed nothing to the Dolphins except urging players to think me-first. Miami would have been much better off without him.

Darrell Green
Drivers wanted: Darrell Green had a fahrvergnugen career.
Creaking Old Guy Highlight No. 1: TMQ's favorite Darrell Green anecdote: he used to drive a Volkswagen Beetle of the old, 1960s variety. Why? Because, Green said, he liked the fact that he could outrun it.

Creaking Old Guys Highlight No. 2: On what might have been Emmitt Smith's last carry as a Cowboy, he was dropped for a loss by Bruce Smith.

Cleveland Release 2.1 Makes Playoffs; Download Patches Immediately: The Cleveland Oranges (Release 2.1) staged a monster stand in the closing seconds to stop Atlanta's second-and-goal at the 1. Inexplicably, both the final Falcon plays were handoffs to 180-pound scatback Warrick Dunn, though enormous fullbacks T.J. Duckett and George Layne were available. On the key snap, third-and-goal, when the play called for Atlanta's Brian Koslowski to pull right and trap at the hole, Koslowski inexplicably jumped into the air to avoid the defender he was supposed to block. TMQ watched the replay four times and has no idea what Koslowski may have been thinking.

Buddhists Know That Time Is An Illusion, Except When You're Rioting Against a Bond Flick: Trailing by three and their playoff fate in the balance, the Nevermores had the ball and the two-minute warning during which to regroup. Lining up out of the two-minute warning, Baltimore quarterback Jeff Blake called time. That's right -- in a two-minute-drill situation, Blake called time when time was already out! Ye gods. Baltimore ended up on the Pittsburgh 11 with 18 seconds remaining and a field goal forces overtime; Blake appeared visibly shaky because he now lacked a time out. The gentleman threw into double coverage, INT, game over.

Lord Voldemort Watch: Brad Johnson, whom Lord Voldemort (Dan Synder) benched and then released in one of his first canny decisions during his evil reign over the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons, finished with 22 touchdown passes and just six interceptions. Jeff George, whom Lord Voldemort started over Johnson, did not play for anyone this year but did warm the Seattle Blue Men Group's bench.

Got a Question About Your Files? Please Call 1-800-I-Luv-KGB Speaking of NORAD, its annual track-Santa map just closed for the year. NORAD was once a super-duper-ultra-classified organization designed to search for signs of a Soviet missile attack -- this is the outfit buried inside Cheyenne Mountain, Colo., and often used by Hollywood as the model for An Agency Far, Far More Secret Than The CIA. How can we be sure the Cold War has ended? The command now offers a toll-free number that is 877-Hi-NORAD. Check out the current NORAD/USSPACECOM master plan here.

TMQ Plans an NIH Grant Application: TMQ can normally put on weight just by looking at sweets, yet over the holidays consumed an estimated 500 Christmas cookies without gaining a pound. Two possible reasons:

1. God loves us and wants us to be happy.
2. The variable contaminant theory.

TMQ would certainly like the answer to be (1), which readers may recognize as Benjamin Franklin's explanation of why beer exists. The variable contaminant theory must, however, also be recognized. This holds that your body punishes you more for feeding it the same contaminants all the time than for alternating contaminants. Thus if you consume the same types of deli sandwiches, chips and cookies on a regular basis -- not that I do, this is speculation -- your body objects by gaining weight. An annual foray into Christmas sugar cookies and snickerdoodles, on the other hand, varies the contaminant and is not penalized; though if you ate Christmas sugar cookies all the time, this would backfire.

A corollary is the hypothesis of rotating shampoos. TMQ has encountered more than one female individual convinced that if you use the same shampoo all the time your hair loses luster, whereas rotating brands of shampoo results in healthy hair. Researchers, how about a controlled experiment?

Cady Huffman, Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick
Wait'll the Chinese government deciphers "Springtime for Hitler" from "The Producers."
Note to Chinese Secret Service: Please Confine Your Activities to Mega-Babe Masseuses: According to this news report, Beijing has been sending agents to Manhattan to study the success secrets of Broadway musicals.

Aside from imagining the hilarious competition for this assignment -- "Say, comrade, would you like to leave our pollution-choked dictatorship for a few months to gawk at chorus girls in New York at the people's expense?" -- TMQ worries about Broadway secrets falling into the wrong hands. The chi-coms may have a sinister plan to use Broadway musicals as a tool of world domination. Hey, there's the next Bond movie plot.

Besides, there's nothing about Broadway you can't figure out merely by glancing at the roster of the last 20 hit shows. Here are Broadway's innermost secrets, as learned by Tuesday Morning Quarterback Enterprises in development of the upcoming TMQ musical, "Ten Million Bucks Worth of Scenery":

1. Use a well-known story, preferably a remark or a movie adaptation. 2. Swelling crescendos.
3. As little dialogue as possible. Ideally no dialogue, just costumes and special effects.
4. Numerous chorus girls in states of undress.
5. Never, ever, ever challenge the audience to think.

That's everything the People's Musical Comedy Collective or whatever it is called needs to know.

Development note No. 1: Tuesday Morning Quarterback Enterprises also is working on a science-fiction movie treatment, "Godzilla Versus MotoFoto."

Development note No. 2: Tuesday Morning Quarterback Enterprises also is working on a television series treatment, "365," in which you watch Keifer Sutherland every single day of the year.

Savvy Crowd Response: During the Cincinnati-at-Buffalo game, the Bills crowd cheered warmly whenever Bengals linebacker Takeo Spikes made a play. Why cheer someone for plays against your team? Spikes will be an unrestricted free agent this winter, and the Bills are expected to make a run at him.

Once Again, TMQ Thanks the Football Gods the NFL Is Not the NBA: Seven NFL teams finished at or above .500 but did not make the playoffs. This is a healthy sign!

Consider that last season, eight NBA teams finished at or above .500 by a comparable fraction, and six of them made the playoffs. It's a shame that an NFL team can go 9-7 and not advance, and it's a shame there are only a total of 11 NFL postseason games. (That's all that remains of the season -- count 'em and weep.) But because the NFL postseason is so hard to enter, this means almost every NFL regular-season game is important. In the NBA the majority of regular-season games mean nothing, and don't get me started on the NHL.

If the pro football playoffs weren't so hard to join, regular-season games would lose significance. TMQ thinks it is this fact -- that almost every regular-season NFL game really matters -- that, more than anything else, creates the air of excitement that separates pro football from all other sports.

Running items department
Seneca Wallace
Iowa State QB Seneca Wallace plays it blue for Humanitarian reasons.
Obscure College Score of the Week: This item snuggles into bed for a long winter's rest, as all collegiate teams performing from here on out are pretty well known.

Depending on when you read this column, be sure not to miss TMQ's favorite holiday game -- the Humanitarian Bowl, which will be in progress on ESPN when this column posts. The Humanitarian Bowl features people slamming into each other in the name of world peace. And they do their slamming on blue turf. Don't you think that if all artificial turf were blue, the world would be a more humanitarian place?

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! Bowl Special: Trailing by seven with a minute remaining, Wisconsin faced fourth-and-10 on the Colorado 29. The Badgers had just 137 yards passing in the game to that point. TMQ thought, "As long as Colorado doesn't blitz the game is over." It's a blitz! Six gentlemen cross the line, 28-yard completion to the Colorado 1, Wisconsin scores on the next play and wins in overtime. Ye gods.

Double-X Bowl Special: In the Las Vegas Bowl, Katie Hnida of New Mexico became the first woman in NCAA Division I-A football history to have a kick blocked; or, to play.

Katie Hnida
We wouldn't make up a story about New Mexico kicker Katie Hnida.
Having women attempt placement kicks in major-college football games seems to TMQ basically a stunt, and one wonders what the point is of this stunt. Since women have shown themselves equal to men in almost all endeavors -- doctor, lawyer, fighter pilot, corrupt CEO etc. -- why stage stunts that pretend women and men are the same in the one arena, physical strength, where they obviously are not? If there is ever a women who can play major-college or pro football on her own merit, then of course she must be allowed to do so. (Note: TMQ hopes not to meet that woman.) But making special deals to get a 140-pound woman on the field for the purpose of a publicity stunt mocks the 99 percent of circumstances in which men and women really are the same. No 140-pound male kicker who couldn't get the ball over the line would be granted special permission to play.

TMQ urges future historians to study The Associated Press photo of Hnida watching her kick clang backward. She's wearing a helmet, pads -- and eyeliner! Unless she's really confused about how to put on the lampblack.

New York Times Final-Score Score: The Paper of Guesses returns to its habitual 0-16 in its triumphant attempt to predict an exact final score, bringing the New York Times Final-Score Score to 1-775 since TMQ began tracking.

Stacy Keibler
Cheerleading led Stacy Keibler to the big time.
Reader Animadversion: On the vital public-policy topic of NFL cheer-babes who have gone on to greater things, such as actress Charisma Carpenter, a reader suggests Stacy Keibler, formerly of the Nevermores cheer squad, and now a presence in the WWE. Stacy's claim to fame is exceptionally long legs, which can be gawked at here, a photo we can link to be not show for thong-based reasons. In haiku,

Stacy's ringside now;
hottest former cheerbabe. Why?
Forty-one inch legs!
Lawrence Benedetto, Chicago

Apropos the Ravens' cheer squad -- which includes ripped cheer-hunks as well as buff cheer-babes -- Jim Breuckman of Farmington, Mich., conducted a close textual analysis and found the Baltimore cheerleading roster contains a Napoleon and a Josephine.

Mike Hamilton of Newark, Del., was among many readers who pointed out that the Eagles have also joined the odious monochrome uniform fad, bringing the total to nine: Arizona, Buffalo, Chicago, Jax, Jersey/B, Miami, New England, Philadelphia and Seattle. Only two made the postseason -- surely an omen from the football gods! TMQ advocates uniform amnesty. All teams will be given a one-time opportunity to return to last year's uniforms without penalty, no questions asked.

Jim Miller of New York points out that NFL announcers have begun to refer to mass confusion at the line of scrimmage as a "scrum." But a scrum is a relatively orderly event used in rugby to put the ball back into play after an infraction. Mass chaos in rugby, Miller notes, is properly called a "maul" or a "ruck."

Stacy Keibler
Now you can see more of Keibler ringside than on the sidelines.
Many readers including Aaron of Washington, D.C., wrote to note of the huge Braun billboard at Disposal Razor Field that Gillette owns Braun. Also, Aaron notes, while Gillette says it makes razors, Braun asserts that it makes only "shavers." This reminds TMQ of Boeing's longstanding contention that it does not make airplanes, rather, "air frames."

Got a comment or a deeply felt grievance? Register it here.

TMQ Challenge: None this week either, as Tuesday Morning Quarterback intends to watch bowl games, not read mail, on New Year's Day. The Challenge will resume next week with incredibly tough single-elimination playoff-caliber questions.

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 5:09 PM

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NFL's 88 percent solution
By Gregg Easterbrook
Page 2 columnist

The Pro Bowl squads are out, and congratulations to the honored gentlemen, whom Tuesday Morning Quarterback thinks should be called the 88 Percent All-Pros. TMQ continues to be dumbfounded that Pro Bowl balloting by coaches and players, which determines most of the outcome, is held with two weeks remaining -- that is, when only 88 percent of the season has been played. Why don't the last two games count? Why does playing well in Week 2 or Week 11 matter toward earning a free plane ticket to Hawaii, while playing well in Week 16 or Week 17 is irrelevant?

Announcing Pro Bowl honorees with two weeks to play creates an opportunity for some to take a bow before the home crowd. But TMQ thinks the selection of Pro Bowl players when the season isn't finished represents yet another instance of publicity trumping performance. It's assumed that whoever has gotten most buzz to this point must be best, regardless of what happens on the field in the final games. Picking the Pro Bowl honorees with two games remaining is like picking the president the week before the election, based on who's doing best in the polls (technical note: this might be a more reliable system) or picking your favorite mezzo-soprano based on the first two acts, disregarding the signature aria due in the third. The Pro Bowl should be a reward for how players perform for the entire season, not just in the first 88 percent.

Each year when the Pro Bowl names come out, TMQ has recurring complaints: that offensive linemen make it on rep, that defensive backs make it on interceptions and that the "fullback" usually isn't a fullback. Two of the three apply to 2002.

The NFC "fullback" is Mike Alstott of Tampa, a below-average blocker who lines up as a tailback. It's ridiculous that Alstott will once again fly to Hawaii as a "fullback" when he doesn't play fullback, and when, in the NFC, true fullback William Henderson of Green Bay has had a true Pro Bowl year. Or at least, 88 percent of a Pro Bowl year.

Once again this year, offensive linemen have made it on rep. Orlando Pace makes the NFC squad though he has been hurt most of the season and an average player when on the field; Ruben Brown of the Bills makes the AFC squad though he's been a slightly-above-average player on a line that is second-last in the league in sacks allowed. Derrick Deese of the Squared Sevens is much more deserving than Pace at NFC tackle, while Mike Compton of the Pats and Jamie Nails of the Marine Mammals had better seasons at AFC guard than Brown. (Nails has been the best run-blocker in the league this year; it's no coincidence that red-hot Ricky Williams suddenly looked human against the Vikings with Nails out injured.) Pace and Brown made it because they always make it; Pace has been picked three of the last four years, Brown seven straight. The fact that OLs make the Pro Bowl on rep, regardless of who's been best, shows that even NFL players and coaches don't pay much attention to offensive linemen and couldn't really tell you who's good.

Orlando Pace
Orlando Pace, who has played just nine games this season, makes the Pro Bowl on name recognition alone.
At least this year the DB selection was not based on interceptions, as is usually the case. At the 88 percent point, the highest interceptor in the league had just six picks, so voters had to choose based on coverage rather than picks, making the defensive-back selections more accurate than usual this year. Last year, in contrast, Deltha O'Neal made it as a CB based on nine interceptions; but he got the picks by gambling relentlessly and giving up big plays. Not only was O'Neal not Pro Bowl in his overall game, he was not as good as his own more cautious, and thus less interception-happy, teammate Denard Walker.

Scanning the Pro Bowl roster, researchers find that 48 of the gentlemen were No. 1 draft picks. They're all impressive. But the players TMQ has always admired most are the ones who perform well despite being unwanted. Thus my contribution is the annual Tuesday Morning Quarterback All-Trash All-Pros.

To qualify for the All-Trash All-Pros, a player must have been waived, gone undrafted, been exposed in an expansion draft or left as a free agent when the original team making no bona-fide effort to retain him. (Free agents whom their original teams really tried to keep do not qualify.) Here are the Tuesday Morning Quarterback All-Trash All-Pros, with an asterisk indicating those who have been shown the door more than once:

QB: Rich Gannon,* Raiders.
RB: Priest Holmes, Kansas City; Ahman Green, Green Bay.
FB: Lorenzo Neal,* Cincinnati.
C: Kevin Mawae, Jersey/B.
T: Lincoln Kennedy, Raiders; Derrick Deese, Niners.
G: Jamie Nails,* Miami, Mike Compton, New England.
WR: Joe Horn, New Orleans; Jerry Rice, Raiders.
TE: Ken Dilger, Bucs.

DE: Simeon Rice, City of Tampa; Brady Smith, Atlanta.
DT: La'Roi Glover, Cowboys; Pat Williams, Buffalo.
LB: Shawn Barber, Eagles; Hardy Nickerson, Green Bay; Donnie Edwards, Bolts.
CB: Aaron Glenn, Houston; Dewayne Washington, Steelers.
S: Lance Schulters, Flaming Thumbtacks; Brock Marion, Miami.
Kicker: David Akers, Eagles.
Punter: Chris Hanson, Jax.
Returner: Chad Morton, Jersey/B.
Special teamer: Tommy Hendricks, Miami.

Coach: Marty Schottenheimer,* Bolts.

This roster might beat the formal Pro Bowl team, given that waived gentlemen might have more incentive. Reserves for the All-Trash All-Pros would include Jeff Garcia at quarterback; Garrison Hearst* and Antowain Smith at running back; Ed McCaffrey, Rod Smith, Shannon Sharpe* and Frank Wycheck at receiver; Roman Oben, Corbin Lacina, Jeff Christy, Mark Dixon and Tom Nutten at offensive line; Ted Washington,* Sam Adams, Daryl Gardener, Gary Walker, Greg Spires and Eric Hicks at defensive line; Jessie Armstead and Derek Smith at linebacker; Donnie Abraham and Rod Woodson* at defensive back; Brian Moorman, Joe Nedney, Dante Hall and Fred McAfee* on special teams.

Note that both defensive ends for City of Tampa -- Rice and Spires -- were guys nobody else wanted, and now start for the league's No. 1 defense. Note that the entire Denver receiving corps of Smith, McCaffrey and Sharpe are guys nobody else wanted, and now start for the league's seventh-rated passing attack.

In other football news, you could practically see Dolphin players chortling as 43-year-old waiver-wire gentleman Gary Anderson lined up for an improbable 53-yard last-second kick to grant the Vikings a huge upset. A few seconds later, the football gods did the chortling.

Gary Anderson
Gary Anderson gets the last chortle.
In the spirit of the All-Trash All-Pros, TMQ loves the fact that Anderson, the all-time leading NFL scorer, has been waived five times. Here are the kickers that general managers kept instead of the all-time leading NFL scorer: Nick Mike-Meyer, Norm Johnson, Chris Boniol, Wade Richey and Doug Brien. Johnson had a terrific kicking career, but none of these gentlemen will, like Anderson, be the second kicker ever to give an acceptance speech at Canton, Ohio.

They Once Were Kings The Ravens defense, just two years ago allowing the fewest points ever, had the Cleveland Oranges (Release 2.1) pinned on their own 8 with 2:18 remaining, trailing by six, holding no timeouts and the Baltimore home crowd thundering at jet-afterburner decibels. Baltimore let the low-voltage Oranges go the length of the field to score for the win with 38 seconds showing. Ye gods.

The Football Gods Smile on the Courageous Before the above-cited drive, the Ravens faced fourth-and-two on the Cleveland 35 with 2:31 remaining. Go for it and certain victory? (The Oranges had no timeouts.) Have Matt Stover, one of the league's best kickers, try for a field-goal and a touchdown-proof margin? Baltimore punted.

Hidden Play Often games turn on snaps that don't show up on highlight reels, but sustain or end drives. Game tied at 13 with 7 minutes left, Cincinnati faced third-and-five against the Boy Scouts, after just having an apparent first down called back by penalty. You know the Bungles will fold now, right? New Orleans certainly thought so. Thirteen-yard completion to Ron Dugans for the first. Cincinnati keeps marching, gets the touchdown just inside the two-minute warning and there is major panic on the New Orleans sideline.

Hidden Player On the above-cited drive, unknown 267-pound fullback Nick Luchey broke New Orleans' back by rushing eight times for 45 yards -- including six consecutive carries, beginning at the Boy Scouts' 36 and concluding when he punched it across.

Nick Luchey
We know it's embarrassing to be a Bengal, but TMQ has blown Nick Luchey's cover.
Who Was That Masked Man? The "NFL 2002 Record and Fact Book," the league's source authority, calls Cincinnati fullback No. 30 "Nick Williams." On Sunday as No. 30 was scoring twice against New Orleans in the fourth quarter, the NFL's official game center listed the touchdowns by "N. Williams" and rushing yards by "N. Williams." (The game center page has since been changed.) By Sunday evening, sportscasters were calling the gentleman "Nick Luchey," and that's how news accounts of the game read on Monday morning. Yet on Sunday the official NFL index of players had a Nick Williams, but no one named "Luchey"; the name did not appear until Monday morning.

What gives? In September, Nick Williams changed his name to James Nicolas Williams Luchey. No one had noticed because until Sunday, he hadn't carried the ball and anyway, he's a Bengal.

Who Was That Masked Man? No. 2 Marc Boerigter, who caught the 99-yard pass, is such a who-dat that the NFL.com website does not post his picture on Boerigter's bio page.

Cheerleader of the Week This week's TMQ ESPN.com Cheerleader of the Week is Acacia of the Minnesota Vikings, a University of Minnesota student studying education and hoping to be an elementary school teacher. Yes, she's yet another cheerbabe-teacher unlike any teacher you or I ever glimpsed in school. Acacia has 18 years of dance experience and one of her hobbies is "competitive running;" TMQ bets she could beat all the washed-up ex-jocks in the ESPN empire in the 100 meter, 1,000 meters or the relay. Her team bio also says she "enjoys volunteer work and being involved in the community." Acacia, I'm a volunteer coach of county football and basketball teams, which is community involvement, and I could really use an assistant, though there would be a lot of late-night strategy sessions.

Acacia
We admire Acacia for her altruistic features.
According to the Vikings' cheerleaders' audition information page, in addition to not being paid to dance, aspiring cheer-babes are charged $15 for auditioning! TMQ repeats, if Hubert Humphrey were still around, this labor abuse would not be taking place. Squad members must also attend, without pay, a weeklong training camp. Considering that Vikings owner Red McCombs is one of the richest men in the United States, this seems astonishingly cheapskate on his part -- McCombs makes millions and flies everywhere in a private jet, but his cheerleaders are supposed to work for a week without pay? That's exploitation. (TMQ is concerned about financial exploitation of cheer-babes; the cheesecake exploitation part is fine.) From the Vikings website: "Crop tops and hot pants will be required during training camp." And you're not broadcasting this on pay-per-view!

Busted Play of the Day Trailing 17-13 against Jersey/A, the Lucky Charms went for it on fourth-and-inches. An off-tackle dive; Giants linebacker Brandon Short came through the Colts line untouched by human hands to stop the play in the backfield. TMQ watched the tape four times, and has no idea what the Colts line could have been thinking. No one made any attempt to block Short -- and he was at the point of attack!

Sweet Play of the Day On the big play of the Oranges' winning drive, running back Jamel White caught a dump pass at midfield and motored to the Nevermores' 27, where Chris McAlister hit him late out of bounds in a Dwayne-Rudd-class move, advancing the ball to the Baltimore 13. (Dwayne Rudd himself, watching from the Oranges' sideline, must have been pleased.) To the untrained eye, this seemed just a lucky play; actually, the Oranges set it up. Raven Peter Boulware had been all over Tim Couch, and had two sacks to that point. During the fourth quarter, Cleveland moved White to whichever side Boulware was on, and had White double-team him. Before this snap, White moved to Boulware's side; the defenders assumed he was setting up for yet another double-team. Instead White immediately sprinted for the pass that Couch threw on his third drop-set. No Raven bothered to cover White.

Best 99-Yard Play Trent Green to rookie Marc Boerigter, Hasting alum.

Marc Boerigter
Even after Marc Boerigter's 99-yard pass play, we still can't see his face.
Mega-Babe Professionalism It was 22 degrees and snowing at the kickoff, yet the Vikings cheer-babes came out in Santa's-naughty-elf numbers that, as the columnist Dave Barry would say, "Just barely meet the legal definition of clothes." OK, so the game was played indoors at the Metrodome. Nevertheless the football gods were pleased, and rewarded Minnesota with victory.

Now that most NFL coaches have wised up to TMQ's immutable dictum that the overdressed coach's team always loses a game, cheerleader professionalism appears increasingly to determine cold-weather victory: Professionalism in this case meaning skin, or at least skin-tight. More proof; a 56-degree at kickoff at Not Bankrupt Yet Coliseum, yet the high-aesthetic-appeal Raiders babes came out in two-piece numbers with cleavage, bare midriffs and miniskirts. The football gods, very impressed, handed their team victory.

Converse proves the rule: kickoff temperature 50 degrees at Empty Stadium in Tempe -- Arizona is on a pace to be last in the league in attendance yet again -- and the Cardinals cheerleaders wore bulky, frumpy Santa overcoats that left everything to the imagination. Needless to say, their team lost.

Reverse Psychology: Leading by one with 2:31 remaining, the Lightning Bolts saw the Chiefs go for it and succeed on fourth-and-one. San Diego coach Marty Schottenheimer challenged the call, though the runner appeared to have made the yardage and at any rate the spot of the ball is a judgment call; replay rarely reverses judgment calls. The challenge cost the Bolts their final timeout. Kansas City got a figgie on the drive to lead by two. San Diego found itself at midfield with 50 seconds left, needing a figgie to win and one of the best pressure kickers ever, Steve Christie, at the ready. But without a timeout, the Bolts' drive was discombobulated and excessively hurried. Reche Caldwell, looking nervous, fumbled on the Chiefs' 45, ending the game.

In a Similar Fake, Trent Lott Said He Favored Affirmative Action: Against the Marine Mammals, the Vikings ran the flea-flicker -- running back takes a handoff and starts up the middle, then turns and flips back to the quarterback for the deep pass. Randy Moss was by himself at the Miami 15, and would have had six had not the pass been badly off target. Why did the setup work so well? At the snap, Moss lackadaisically leaned against the defender in front of him: doing what Moss does on every running play, refusing to block. Moss' non-block was so realistic it convinced Miami the play had to be a run, and no one paid heed when Moss took off deep.

Best Real Block: In Week 15, Minnesota knocked off New Orleans on a Daunte Culpepper run for the deuce on the game's final snap; the key to this play, as TMQ pointed out, was a fabulous pull block by Vikings guard Corbin Lacina. As Minnesota knocked off Miami, the hidden play was a Culpepper 3-yard run on fourth-and-two to sustain a last-minute Vikings drive. Once again, the key was a fabulous pull block by Vikings guard Corbin Lacina. Culpepper also got fabulous blocking on his 60-yard completion to Moss in the early fourth. TMQ counted "one one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand, four one-thousand, five one-thousand, six one-thousand" before the ball was away, giving Moss the opportunity to run a time-consuming deep Z-in. (A deep Zed-in to Canadian readers.)

Drew Bledsoe, Vonnie Holliday
Vonnie Holliday and the Packers were a few steps ahead of Drew Bledsoe in the red zone.
Worst Failure to Read Tuesday Morning Quarterback Twice TMQ has run items about the Bills passing too much at the goal line -- especially regular drop-back passes, which rarely work in compressed goal-line space, as opposed to play-fakes -- and about Drew Bledsoe sprinting backward in goal-to-go situations.

Game scoreless in the first at Lambeau, Buffalo faced third-and-goal on the Packers' four; the Green Bay Achilles' heel is the league's 26th-rated rushing defense. Did the Bills pound the ball, and either get six or then settle for three and the all-important first points when playing on the road? Regular pass from a regular set; Bledsoe sprinted backward 7 yards before throwing off his back foot, interception. Trailing by a field goal in the third, Buffalo faced third-and-goal on the Packers' five. Did the Bills pound the ball, and either get six or then settle for the tie? Regular pass from a regular set; Bledsoe sprinted backward almost 10 yards before being sacked, the suddenly longer figgie into the wind missed. Ye gods.

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! No. 1: Trailing by three with 10 minutes remaining and the home crowd thundering at afterburner decibels, the Patriots had Jersey/B facing third-and-nine. Since the average NFL pass attempt yields 5.9 yards -- anyway, it's a blitz! Six gentlemen including a CB cross the line. Thirteen-yard completion for the first, Jets score a touchdown two plays later and suddenly the defending champs are on the ropes. (In the first half, the Pats also had the Jets facing third-and-six; New England blitzed, Jersey/B converted and scored on that possession too.)

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! No. 2: Trailing 14-0 in the second, Denver had Oakland facing third-and-five on the Broncos' eight. It's a blitz! Touchdown pass to Charlie Garner split wide left, and the rout is on.

Stats of the Week: Cincinnati won at home for the first time in 357 days.

Stats of the Week No. 2: In the Jersey/A-Lucky Charms game there were 731 passing yards and 153 rushing yards; the football gods winced.

Stats of the Week No. 3: San Francisco has not been shut out in 401 games, by far the longest such streak in league annals.

Stats of the Week No. 4: San Francisco just barely won despite advantages of 174 yards of offensive, seven first downs and nine minutes time of possession; turnovers were even.

Rich Gannon
Rich Gannon needs a huge game in the season finale to break Dan Marino's single-season passing record.
Stats of the Week No. 5: The Atlanta-Detroit game was close until 3:49 remaining in the fourth despite Falcon advantages of 325 yards of offense, 15 first downs, 17 minutes time-of-possession and plus-one in turnovers.

Stats of the Week No. 6: Trailing by a field goal in Green Bay, Buffalo staged a 15-play, 9:42-minute drive that resulted in no points.

Stats of the Week No. 7: In his last three games, Drew Bledsoe has thrown for one touchdown and six interceptions, while losing four fumbles.

Stats of the Week No. 8: Because the Raiders finally played a game in which they ran more times than they passed, Rich Gannon is on a pace to miss the NFL record by throwing for 4,917 yards The season mark, held by Dan Marino, is 5,084 yards. Gannon must throw for 475 yards in the season-ender to break the record.

Stats of the Week No. 9: Of the 31 games Butch Davis has coached for the Cleveland Oranges (Release 2.1), 18 have gone down to the final play.

Stats of the Week No. 10: Indianapolis lost despite scoring 14 points in seven seconds. (Touchdown, onside kick recovered, touchdown.)

Stats of the Week No. 11: In its last three games, the Pittsburgh defense has surrendered a total of 303 yards and 22 first downs.

We're All Professionals Here: In the Chicago-Carolina game, there were 21 punts and seven fumbles.

Buck-Buck-Brawwwccckkkkk Trailing 17-0 at home on the first possession of the second half, City of Tampa faced fourth-and-one on its 36. Sure fourth-and-one is a gamble, but down by 17 points you've got to take a few chances and a fourth-and-one chance is about as good as they come, since most fourth-and-one tries succeed. The Bucs punted. The football gods, disgusted, sent them on to defeat.

Charisma Carpenter
Charisma Carpenter ascended from cheerbabe to "Buffy," and her character ascended to a higher plane.
This Week's Chargers Cheer-Babe Item: Reader Ryan Bowers of Annapolis, Md., has conducted a close textual analysis of the San Diego Chargers cheerleaders site and concluded, "None of them can match one-time Charger cheer-babe, and now actress, Charisma Carpenter. I hope this will provide an opportunity for the ESPN.com art department shamelessly to place a photo of her in the column." TMQ agrees that Carpenter was one of the most scrumptious sights on television. Why the prodigious babe output of San Diego? Must be something in the water.

Carpenter had a good recurring comic role, first on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and then on its lethargic spinoff Angel, as a vain high-school girl who grew into a vain aspiring actress, and was so outlandishly self-obsessed as to become realistic by Los Angeles standards. Then in last year's season finale of Angel, Carpenter's character was chosen by a mystical being to ascend to a higher plane of existence. Supposedly this happened because she had become enlightened, but TMQ assumes Carpenter wanted release from her contract and her character had to be written out of the plot. At the moment Carpenter is off the tube, so far as TMQ can determine.

Buffy note: Now there's an all-new Sunnydale High School, built on the site of the old. Inexplicably, no one at the new Sunnydale High appears to know what happened to the predecessor a mere three years ago. At the graduation ceremony of the old high school, Sunnydale's mayor turned into a 50-foot-long serpent demon in full view of hundreds of witnesses. The enormous serpent devoured the old high school's principal in full view of hundreds of witnesses, then was led back into the old high school by Buffy, who trapped the serpent there and escaped with seconds to spare as the old high school exploded in full view of hundreds of witnesses.

Sunnydale High
Sunnydale High has been as resilient as David Carr.
Now it's three years later and no one in Sunnydale has the slightest recollection of any of these events. No parents seem worried about sending their kids to a school built on a site that was recently attacked by a 50-foot-long serpent, and then exploded. Buffy wanders into the new high school and its new principal says something like, "Oh yeah, I heard about you," while appearing to have no clue that the previous principal and the entire high school were supernaturally destroyed in front of hundreds of witnesses.

NFL Knows Aliens Better Than Steven Spielberg: Wow, five-time Pro Bowl quarterback A.J. Feeley sure looked at the top of his form dissecting Dallas. What's that you say? It was only his fifth NFL game?

Not only is Feeley an unknown who was cut by the Eagles in preseason, then later called up from the practice squad when injuries struck Donovan McNabb and his backup -- Feeley didn't even start in college! He spent his university days at Oregon holding the clipboard for Joey Harrington; Feeley attempted just 13 passes as a senior. Now he's won four straight as an NFL starter and played with poise and precision. Feeley also won the season-ending game for the Eagles in 2001, rendering a guy who didn't start in college 5-0 at the pro level. Apparently the extraterrestrials who had previously been using their neutrino transference array to assist "Kurt Warner" are now training their equipment on "A.J. Feeley." What the sinister alien purpose is, TMQ wishes he knew.

A. J. Feeley
A.J. Feeley proves that those old stories about little green men aren't just Hollywood fantasy.
TMQ's Perfect Evening: Genny Cream Ale Served by Tall Danish Blonde in Swimsuit Last week's item on the mysterious Copenhagen-to-Buffalo flight listed by Scandinavian Airlines -- SK925/SK8979 in your travel agent's computer -- speculated that Danes seeking a holiday wanted "someplace cold and desolate, with good beer." Comes now reader Shari Gerber, who lives in Norway, to protest that Denmark's Tuborg is better than any U.S. brew and to insist, "no American beer is regarded as imbibe-able by any Scandinavian, except under the direst of circumstances."

TMQ would stack Genesee Cream Ale, a Snow Belt brew and two-time gold medal winner at the Great American Beer Festival (only a bronze this year, sadly), against any continental beer. But it's true that Tuborg is fine stuff; the Tuborg once made under license in the United States was swill compared to the real thing as poured in Europe. Weirdly, the Tuborg website encourages customers to post bad pictures of themselves. Before sending Tuborg a bad picture of yourself, be sure to read the 531-word disclaimer, which cautions, "There are times when we may collect personal information from you."

Worst Crowd Response As their team trotted off at halftime trailing Jersey/B by 17-10, the home crowd loudly booed the Patriots. Sure you guys won the Super Bowl last year. But what have you done for us lately?

Note on the Pats' lovely new Gillette Field: it has a large advertising billboard from Braun razors.

Further Proof of the Decline of Western Civilization Going into Sunday, the Baltimore Nevermores and the Cleveland Oranges (Release 2.1), each with records of 7-7, were still alive for home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.

'Tis Better to Have Rushed and Lost Than Never to Have Rushed at All: Trailing by a touchdown, New Orleans took over on its 26 with 1:37 to play and a timeout. Plenty of time to call anything in the playbook, including any running play. Instead incompletion, incompletion, incompletion, incompletion, game over.

Darrell Green
Darrell Green should go out in style Sunday, if Dobby the Elf actually has a conscience.
Free Darrell Green! Sunday will mark the final time in pads for the remarkable Darrell Green, a certain first-ballot Hall of Fame entrant. His coach, Dobby the Elf, has said Green will get the courtesy start before the home fans, then trot back to the bench where he has spent the year, handing the position back to the legendary Fred Smoot.

Attention Steve Spurrier: the only meaningful thing about the 'Boys-at-Persons season-ending contest, matching two eliminated clubs, is Darrell Green's final game. The fans are not paying to see Fred Smoot. No one cares a fig about Fred Smoot. If you don't play Green the whole game, Dobby, you will not only be screwing the team's fans, you will be cementing your growing reputation as a gentleman who has no detectable idea what he's doing.

Free Emmitt Smith! Weirdly, San Francisco seemed actively anxious to be rid of Jerry Rice two years ago when he was no longer a superstar and merely a certain first-ballot Hall-of-Famer who had spent his entire career with the team. Weirdly, Buffalo seemed actively anxious to be rid of Bruce Smith three years ago when he was no longer a superstar and merely a certain first-ballot Hall-of-Famer who had spent his entire career with the team.

And weirdly, Dallas now seems actively anxious to be rid of Emmitt Smith when he is no longer a superstar and merely a certain first-ballot Hall-of-Famer who has spent his entire career with the team. Against the Eagles, in what might have been Smith's final game in the stadium with the big white star, Emmitt carried eight times for 30 yards, then was offered a seat so that the legendary Troy Hambrick could carry six times for 4 yards. The game meant nothing to long-since-eliminated Dallas. The fans were not paying to see Troy Hambrick. No one cares a fig about Troy Hambrick. Why, exactly, is Cowboys management trying to show Smith the door?

He Didn't Even Grab His Flag! The Panthers trailing by a touchdown, Steve Smith caught a short slant in front of Bears DB Williams. Inexplicably, rather than tackle Smith, Williams simply touched him with both hands -- exactly what you'd do in a game of two-hand touch. Smith looked stunned for an instant, then took off for a 69-yard gain; Carolina scored on the next play and never looked back.

The Play's The Thing: Jersey/A fortunes have veered upward since Jim Fassel took over playcalling duties at midseason; Sunday's 44-point outburst on the road against the Colts, who went into the game with the fifth-ranked defense and badly needing to win, was remarkable. Playcalling was as sharp as TMQ has ever seen -- which usually does not mean calling lots of long passes but means, as it did in this game, calling plays that are different from the week before, and varying the attack to take advantage of whatever the other side was conceding. The Giants also reached into last year's playbook. Leading 10-3 on the first snap of the second half, Jersey/A had the ball at its own 18. Tiki Barber took the handoff right, then fired a throwback lateral to Kerry Collins, who heave-hoed to Amani Toomer for an 82-yard touchdown and the rout was on. What made this play was not so much that it was flashy but that it was different from what the Giants have been running.

Fassel has always had a knack for playcalling, having made one of the best pressure play calls of all-time. Going into the 2000 NFC Championship Game against Minnesota, the Giants had a play -- fullback fly pattern along the sideline -- they were sure would work, and were debating whether to call it early to get on the board, or save it for crunch time. Jersey/A scored on its first possession, then the Vikings fumbled the kickoff. As the Meadowlands crowd thundered at afterburner decibels, Fassel screamed, "Use it now!" to his offensive coordinator. Fullback fly along the sidelines for the touchdown, Minnesota trailed 14-0 just minutes into the game and the Vikings were already broken.

Making smart play-calls under gametime pressure is among the NFL's underappreciated arts. Buffalo's Bledsoe-led offense has disappeared in the second half of the season, for instance, because Bills offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride keeps endlessly calling the same handful of actions -- mainly quick outs and deep fades -- from the same formations on the same down-and-distance situations. Defenses have learned to take away the Bills plays that were working in the first half of the year and are offering other opportunities, such as the deep post. But Gilbride has made no adjustments, endlessly calling the same things.

Squared Sevens Warning Lately, TMQ has not liked what he sees when the Niners take the field. Two weeks ago they just barely beat the 'Boys, whom Philadelphia this weekend used for target practice. A week ago they lost at home to Green Bay, making mental errors on their final drive. Saturday they just barely beat the awful Arizona (CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN FOOTBALL-LIKE SUBSTANCE) Cardinals and did not look sharp. Leading by 10 with 7:48 remaining, San Francisco faced third-and-nine on its own 22. Arizona came out in the American Ballet Theater Defense, with seven DBs, three DLs and one LB. This lightweight alignment fairly begs to be run against; TMQ was sure the Niners would audible to a draw. Instead Jeff Garcia forced the ball into double coverage, INT, Arizona gets a quick touchdown and suddenly the Niners are fighting to survive against a team that couldn't beat Mount Union. (See below.) Tuesday Morning Quarterback gets a bad feeling about this.

David Carr and his Moo Cows also came out in a third-and-seven to find the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons in the American Ballet Theater Defense with three DLs and seven DBs. Did Carr audible to a draw? He also forced it into double-coverage, interception.

Marcel Shipp
Marcel Shipp and the Cardinals should dread the red.
For female and nontraditional male readers: ABT principal dancer Jose Carreno.

Tommy Hilfiger Must Be Advising These Teams: Arizona became the eighth team this season to sport a monochrome jersey-pants combo, joining Buffalo, Chicago, Jax, Jersey/B, Miami, New England and Seattle. To TMQ, all these revisionist unis look like malfunctioning screen savers. Couldn't we please just return to the uniform status quo of last season?

The Football Gods Smiled: David Carr was sacked for a record 73rd time -- most any quarterback has ever gone down in a season -- by Bruce Smith, who still has a chance to end his career with most all-time sacks.

This Week's Science Fiction Complaint: The Steven Spielberg sci-fi marathon "Taken" is finally over, and what a relief. So far as TMQ could tell, everything in this series was recycling of clichés. The alien who manifests as a Kansas farm wife offering lemonade and cookies was all but identical to a Star Trek scene. The large group of average people who feel called to assemble where a UFO will land was identical to the final action of "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." The involvement of the aliens in World War II, the look of their ship and the suspended bodies on which experiments have been performed were identical to scenes from a BBC miniseries called "Invasion: Earth." The master plan of the aliens, to hybridize with humans, was identical to "The X Files." The wisecracking band of commandos wearing eyepiece cameras so the control room could watch their every move was identical to the movie "Aliens." The Agency Far, Far More Secret Than The CIA that was inexplicably covering up for the aliens was identical to the old series "Dark Skies." And of course there were the endless scenes of people walking toward blinding white lights, copied from too many movies and television shows to count. Twenty hours produced by Spielberg and not, so far as TMQ could tell, one single original minute. Aye caramba.

Joel Gretsch
If they're going to recycle clichés on "Taken," then we'll recycle this photo.
Beware the Curse of Parcells Bill Parcells has postponed his election to the Hall of Fame for at least another year by flirting with 'Boys owner Jerry Jones, who continues to remind TMQ of vacuum-cleaner impresario Dave Oreck. Coaches aren't supposed to be tapped for Canton until they have left the game on a bona-fide basis. Parcells' flirtation with City of Tampa kept him from being chosen last January. No matter what happens with the Cowboys job, the private-plane meeting with Jones will keep Parcells out of Canton this January too.

Parcells is a crackerjack coach but has a peculiar obsession with shafting employers. After winning the Super Bowl for Jersey/A, Parcells resigned in April, when he knew it would be too late for the Giants to find a top-shelf replacement; his post ended up in the hands of the forgettable Ray Handley, and mediocrity descended. In some weird way, Parcells seemed to want his resignation to ensure the Giants would have a couple of losing seasons, since this would make it seem as if the Tuna was irreplaceable.

Then, during the run-up to the Pats' 1997 Super Bowl appearance, Parcels shafted the Patriots by openly discussing his desire to leave; New England's Bowl moment ended in distractions and defeat. Jumping to Patriots' rival Jersey/B, Parcells semi-shafted this club by staying only three years, then doing his best to queer the agreement that Bill Belichick would replace him. In both cases Parcells seemed again to wish ill for his previous team, hoping it would decline so that people would wax on about how the Tuna was irreplaceable. Finally Parcells quasi-shafted Tampa by openly discussing Tony Dungy's job on the eve of a Bucs playoff game, which ended in distractions and defeat, only to walk away once the damage was done.

In sum Parcells the coach is totally self-centered and appears to enjoy leaving those who trusted him hurt and angry. The perfect fit for Jerry Jones!

Jerry Jones, David Oreck
Similarities between Jerry Jones, left, and David Oreck go beyond appearances: Both of their products suck.
Need a last-minute holiday gift? Try these incredible Dave Oreck air purifiers which offer "the same technology that U.S. Navy submarines use." Nuclear technology in an air purifier?

What Alcor Is Actually Freezing Is Assets: News reports say the children of Ted Williams have resolved their dispute and now agree to keep his body frozen at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Ariz. This maintains the macabre possibility that Williams' genetic material will someday be used -- possibly on orders from a MLB marketing firm -- to create a clone. Though it should be kept in mind that the result would only be a physical clone. Since environment and experience determine personality, clones will be entirely different people from their "parents," just as identical twins, who are physical clones, are often entirely different otherwise. A clone of Ted Williams might have no interest in baseball.

Officially, the Williams children want their father kept in cryogenic deep-freeze against the chance that future medicine cures the disease of which Williams died. Officially, this is why Alcor exists: in case "future advancements in science and technology will be developed to allow the scientific means to repair the ravages of diseases like cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, or the effects of aging, thereby potentially restoring the individual back to good health," its site declares. There's just one problem with all this: Williams is dead. If a cure for his disease is someday developed, this will mean nothing to Williams, because he will still be dead. There is zero possibility of "restoring the individual back to good health" when the individual in question has died.

Alcor's claim to offer "life extension" is complete hooey. The lives of the living may be extended; the lives of the dead have concluded. All bodies being held in cryogenic tanks at Alcor, at a cost to their bilked relatives of a $120,000 fee, are corpses of the dead -- the freezing itself is lethal -- and will still be corpses no matter what cures are discovered in the future. Suppose someone died, and five minutes later a medical researcher rushed into the room screaming "eureka!" and holding a vial of medicine that cures the disease in question. That would not help the person who had died five minutes before, because he would still be dead. This is the situation for all the frozen corpses at Alcor, which is a swindle targeted at grieving relatives of the rich.

Orlando Pace Wins National Book Award: The Pro Bowl voting coming with only 88 percent of the season played is nothing compared with the National Book Award. Each year this prestigious prize -- check the current laureates here -- is announced in mid-November when, judged by weeks, only 88 percent of the publishing season is complete. Harmonic convergence? Hardly, because in order to be considered for the National Book award, nominations must be received by July 15 while the books themselves, or galleys of same, must reach judges no later than Aug. 19. This means the National Book Award should really be called the National Award for Books Published Between January and August. If your book comes out in the fall, you're toast.

One author whose book came out between January and August, and ended up a very deserving finalist for the National Book Award in nonfiction, is Official Friend of TMQ Steve Olson, a former writer for the National Academy of Sciences. Steve's book, "Mapping Human History," is an extraordinarily well-documented account -- he traveled all over Africa, China and, at great personal hardship, Hawaii -- of what science has learned about the genetics of race and who's related to whom. Basically, Steve concludes that our DNA proves all human beings are much more closely related than generally assumed; in terms of what's in our chromosomes, the differences among an African, an American and an Asian are about the same as the difference between a blonde and a brunette. "Mapping Human History" also presents the evidence that modern travel and movement are causing people to mix at such an historically unprecedented pace that within a few centuries, the whole concept of "race" will lose meaning. This excellent book is becoming a word-of-mouth bestseller; buy it here.

Tradition Carried On Two weeks ago, TMQ declared there had not been an actual double reverse in the NFL since the 1978 Super Bowl, mainly because a double reverse requires three exchanges of the ball and that in turn creates a high chance the play will end, as it did in the 1978 Super Bowl, in a fumble.

Many readers including Julie May of Coronado Island, Calif., have written in to note there was a play -- though not a double reverse -- with three exchanges of the ball in the Bolts-at-Bills contest. Drew Brees gave to LaDainian Tomlinson running right; Tomlinson handed to Tim Dwight coming back left; Dwight flipped the ball toward Brees, who was supposed to throw deep. Result of the play? Fumble.

On Monday night, Pittsburgh tried a similar three-exchanges action. There was a handoff right, followed by a reverse left, followed by a flip back to the quarterback. Result of the play? Incompletion.

If Rix Is Ineligible for Missing an Exam, Why Isn't Price Ineligible for Being a Hypocrite? Oh, That's Right, the NCAA Does Not Penalize Hypocrisy: Hard on the heels of Dennis Franchione walking out on his commitment to Alabama, Washington State coach Mike Price pulls a Chuck Fairbanks by walking out on his commitments just before a postseason game. Price leaves the Cougars to take the 'Bama job two weeks before Washington State is to play in the Rose Bowl, which TMQ readers call The Invesco Bowl at Rose. Like Franchione, Price lied to his players by saying he was staying, then bolted the instant the money was right.

TMQ finds it hard to believe Price the promise-breaker will be allowed on the sidelines when Washington State takes the field for The Invesco Bowl at Rose; a man to whom grabbing cash is more important than his commitments should be kept far, far away from players and for that matter from grandmothers with money to invest.

Once again TMQ wonders why it is that coaches and other tie-wearing sports management types can break any promise and depart any team the moment there's money in it for them, but players are roundly denounced if they seek new pastures. And TMQ notes to Alabama what he noted to Texas A&M when Franchione slithered the Aggies' way: What 'Bama is getting is the kind of coach who cares exclusively about himself. The perfect fit for the Alabama program!

Donald Driver
Mark your calendars. It's not often that a beefcake shot of Donald Driver will run in this space.
Beefcake -- Run for Your Lives! Carrie Schmidt of Carol Stream, Ill., is among many female readers who have asked that TMQ leaven its cheesecake with beefcake from the Green and Gold Calendar, a pinup production of Packers shirtless and flexing. Carrie, your wish is my command. Here, for female and nontraditional male readers, is her favorite flexing shot, of Green Bay receiver Donald Driver. You can buy the calendar here.

TMQ's Christmas List: Besides, of course, the San Diego and Miami cheerleader swimsuit calendars, and the Eagles cheer-babe lingerie calendar, what I hope Santa brings me is a gift certificate to Christmas Sleigh, the new Christmas shop just opened in Middleburg, Va., by Linda Tripp.

Wasn't Linda telling sob stories about her heartrending poverty -- where does she get the money for cosmetic surgery, then to open a store in one of the most expensive towns in the world? (Middleburg is a celebrity hang-out, like Sag Harbor.) TMQ assumes she must have received hefty checks from right-wing sugar daddies. Checks to thank her for these achievements: betraying a friend and creating a pointless faux-scandal that kept the president of the United States from paying attention to what should have been the three big issues of the late 1990s, namely al Qaeda, Saddam and corporate lying. Great work, Linda! (Note: Linda Tripp says her favorite coaches are Mike Price and Dennis Franchione.)

Anyway if you buy a gift at Linda's store for heaven's sake don't tell her who it's for. She will immediately call the person and spoil the surprise.

Was It a Ranch-Style or a Bungalow Modest Castle?The Times obituary of Warwick Charlton, an eccentric English entrepreneur whose life's work was to build an exact duplicate of the Mayflower, contains this remarkable sentence: "He lived in a modest castle in Ringwood, Hampshire."

Hidden Indicator: Pass-wacky New England rushed 23 times, for a 4.2-yard average per run, and passed 37 times, for a 3.1-yard average per attempt. This is the kind of hidden indicator that is essential to an insider's understanding of the game. In this case, everyone knows what it means.

Running items department
Big Red
Western Kentucky's Big Red celebrates the Hilltoppers' Division I-AA national championship.
Obscure College Score of the Week: Western Kentucky 34, McNeese State 14 (Division I-AA championship). Located on a hilltop overlooking bucolic Bowling Green, Western Kentucky is one of those schools with a campus that could be used as a movie set of a college campus. Check Western Kentucky's incredible organization chart. Note that the "government relations" office -- meaning the school lobbyist -- reports to the president only and on the chart is more important than any academic division. Note the College of Education & Behavioral Sciences has a "talent search" division. Note that like many universities in the Title IX world, Western Kentucky has women's volleyball but not men's. Memo to all parents with tall teenaged girls: there are scholarships for women's volleyball.

Bonus Obscure Score: Mount Union 48, Trinity of Texas 7 (Amos Alonzo Stagg Bowl - Division III championship). Located in Alliance, Ohio, Mount Union has sent its football team to six of the last seven Stagg Bowls, has won 96 of its last 97 games and boasts an NCAA-best 42-game winning streak. Basically, Mount Union is a football factory without scholarships. Check out the "Bracy webcams" to watch construction of the school's new science hall from four angles. Trent Lott would still be majority leader if he had only attended Mount Union's annual Multicultural Retreat.

New York Times Final-Score Score: The Paper of Guesses returns to its habitual 0-16 in its triumphant attempt to predict an exact final score, bringing the New York Times Final-Score Score to 1-759 since TMQ began tracking.

Jade H.
I think it's broken, Jade.
Reader Animadversion Many readers have asked for a chance to gawk at cheer-babe Jade H. of the Ravens, whose team bio says that her favorite thing to do in Baltimore is ESPN Zone. Jade, you have marvelous good taste! She's studying to be a radiologist. How come no medical professional who ever examined TMQ looked remotely like this?

Got a comment or a deeply felt grievance? Register it here.

Last Week's Challenge The Challenge was to propose a slogan for the new Department of Homeland Security.

Mea Davis of Chicago suggested, KNOWING YOUR BUSINESS SINCE 2002.

Myk Zagorac of Tallahassee, Fla., suggested the musical, EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE, EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE, WE'LL BE WATCHING YOU.

Many, many readers including Kimberly Mathews of Fort Lauderdale, Fla., proposed, WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.

David Manning of Fairfax, Va., suggested ARE WE THE NEW KGB? NYET!

Carlos Goenaga of Houston proposed, ROUNDING UP THE USUAL SUSPECTS.

Chris Jones of Atlanta, obviously a close TMQ reader, proposed, WE WOULD LET YOU HAVE NFL SUNDAY TICKET ON CABLE, BUT IT WOULD INTERFERE WITH THE CAMERAS WE'RE PUTTING IN YOUR HOUSE.

Hanson Tipton of Knoxville, Tenn., suggested, SOMEDAY YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CONSTITUTION BACK.

Robert Borg of Denver suggests, AT LEAST WE'RE NOT THE DEPARTMENT OF FATHERLAND SECURITY.

Rachel Taft of Portland, Ore., proposed, PRETTY FUNNY CONTEST, TMQ. WOULD YOU MIND STOPPING BY OUR OFFICE?

TMQ his ownself proposes, paralleling the British Home Office slogan noted last week, BUILDING A TENSE, NERVOUS AND PARANOID NATION.

And the Challenge goes to Jeffrey Cook II of Baltimore, who proposed, OUR SLOGAN IS AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION.

This Week's Challenge No Challenge this week because TMQ has no intention of reading the mail on Christmas Day.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback sends holiday wishes to all football enthusiasts, space aliens and mega-babes. Bells are ringing all across the local star cluster!

Posted by tien mao in TMQ at 4:41 PM

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NFL talking heads stuck in reverse
By Gregg Easterbrook
Page 2 columnist

"It's a double reverse!" No, it's not. Chances are it's not even a reverse.

Of the many annoying football-announcer verbal tics -- and the total hard drive capacity of the entire Web combined prohibits listing every one -- the worst is shrieking "it's a double reverse!" on plays that are actually a single reverse or aren't even that. This is a equal-opportunity blunder, committed by all announcers on all networks at all levels of the sport. And it is time this problem were fixed.

In the first Dallas-Philadelphia game, Donovan McNabb gave to a gentleman running right; the gentleman handed off to James Thrash going back left, and Thrash ran for 32 yards. "It's a double reverse!" Pat Summerall cried. No it wasn't. It was a single reverse.

In the Seattle-Minnesota game, Daunte Culpepper faked up the middle then gave to a receiver coming around. "It's a reverse!" Mike Patrick cried. No it wasn't. It was an end-around.

In the Baltimore-Indianapolis contest, tight end Todd Heap took a handoff moving right and ran for 15 yards. "It's a reverse!" cried Brent Jones, who himself has run this play, and ought to know better. It was an end-around.

Blue Man Group
Like their Seattle counterparts, the Blue Man Group is hard to figure out.

In the Blue Men Group-Mouflons contest, Marshall Faulk lined up in the slot; there was a fake up the middle, and Faulk carried coming around. "It's a reverse!" cried Tom Jackson -- who himself has had to stop this play, and ought to know better -- of the highlight on NFL PrimeTime. No it wasn't. It was an end-around run by a slotback.

Summerall, Patrick, Jones and Jackson are merely mirroring current football culture, in which everybody gets this wrong. Many readers including Michael Bourn of Nashua, N.H., have written in asking TMQ to set this record straight.

A "reverse" occurs when the ball starts left or right, then comes back in the opposite direction. But the ball must start left or right.

Almost everything announcers call a "reverse" is actually an end-around or slotback-around, in which the ball was simply handed off to a receiver or slotback moving left or right parallel to the line. The result is a guy running from side-to-side but not on a reverse, because there was no initial motion to reverse. True, defenders yell "reverse!" to each other when they see this action, but only because it is cumbersome to yell "slotback around!" Announcers should use correct terminology.

A "double reverse" occurs when the ball starts off going left or right, then comes back in the opposite direction, then changes course a second time to end up traveling in the original direction. Almost everything announcers call a "double reverse" is actually a single reverse. Consider the Philadelphia play. The ball was handed to a gentleman running right; that's the initial direction. He then handed to Trash running left, making the play a reverse. But a single reverse: the ball started right, then went left. To cause a double reverse, Trash would have had to hand to a third gentleman running back right again.

The easy way to distinguish among the end-around, single reverse and double reverse is to count handoffs. On an end-around there's only one handoff, from the quarterback to the guy sprinting left or right. If there is only one handoff, it cannot be a reverse. (Slight exception -- when the quarterback sprints out in one direction then gives to receiver coming back the opposite way, as in the college veer-option flip reverse, there can be a reverse with only one exchange of the ball. This is the only exception.)

On the single reverse there are two handoffs: first to the man going in Direction A, then to the man coming back in Direction B. On the double reverse there must be three handoffs, first to the man going in Direction A, then to the man coming back in Direction B, a third to yet another man going in Direction A again. If you think you've beheld a double reverse, count the handoffs. Unless there were three exchanges of the ball -- and almost certainly there were not -- you didn't see a double reverse.

The reason teams usually run the end-around instead of the reverse, and almost always run the single reverse instead of the double reverse, is to reduce exchanges of the ball. Every time the ball changes hands is an opportunity for a fumble, especially when the gentleman doing the handing off is not a quarterback. And against ever-quicker NFL athletes, the true double reverse takes so long to develop that by the time the third gentlemen gets the ball, players from games held the previous week will be closing to make the tackle.

TMQ hasn't seen a true double reverse in the NFL since there were antenna-pointing control boxes on the tops of televisions. So far as TMQ knows, the last true double reverse in the NFL was called by Tom Landry in the 1978 Super Bowl. Fittingly, it resulted in a fumble.

In other football news, the Heisman Trophy winner is announced this Saturday on ESPN. This award's full name, TMQ believes, should be the Heisman Trophy for the Division I-A Quarterback or Running Back Who Receives Most Publicity.

The idea that the Heisman goes to "the outstanding college football player in the United States" is a total fiction. Sixty-one of 67 winners have been quarterbacks or running backs, although those positions account for just 14 percent of gentlemen on the field. (To make it sound as though more positions are recognized, the Heisman preposterously lists "running back," "halfback," "tailback" and "fullback" as four different positions.) No linebacker or offensive lineman has ever won, and just two defensive lineman and one defensive back were Heisman honorees. The last non-glory-boy to hear his named called was defensive end Leon Hart in 1949, half a century ago.

Joey Harrington
Harrington's boosters fell victim to the ink-equals-Heisman theory.

Though all Heisman laureates are good, awards are clearly decided with publicity first in mind. Oregon was smart two years ago when it paid $250,000 to have that giant mural of Joey Harrington painted near the Downtown Athletic Club, sponsor of the Heisman; this did as much for Harrington's chances as any play on the field. Charles Woodson's surprise victory in 1997 as the first defensive Heisman winner since Hart came about mainly because Woodson received an extraordinary amount of press attention. Though Woodson was worthy, it was the ink that swayed voters.

Publicity-as-the-measure-of-all-things prohibits Heisman voters from even considering players from beneath Division I-A, though it is at the small-college level that the true spirit of competition for its own sake is honored. If the Heisman is an award for best quarterback or running back, by a huge margin the dominant running back in college ranks this season was Ian Smart of C.W. Post, who ran for 2,203 yards and 30 touchdowns while finishing his career fourth all-time in collegiate rushing and first all-time in collegiate scoring. Ian Smart is the highest scoring college player ever, yet he'll be brushed aside by Heisman voters because he was not hyped.

And by a huge margin the dominant quarterback in college this season was Curt Anes of undefeated Grand Valley State, who has thrown for 3,331 yards and 44 touchdowns; his two-year total is a phenomenal 93 touchdown passes vs. just eight interceptions. Anes will be brushed aside, too.

John Heisman
Heisman wouldn't even be considered for his award today.

Today the Heisman actively mocks the memory of John Heisman himself, who was a tackle in college and then spent most of his career coaching teams now below the Division I-A level -- Akron, Penn, Washington & Jefferson. John Heisman himself would not be considered for the Heisman Trophy! This statuette should be promoted for what it is, an award for receiving hype at a big school.

"Wow" Plays: Terrell Owens' leaping one-hand touchdown catch and Quincy Morgan's game-winner were doozies, but the best was the Dantzler kick return. Former college quarterback Woodrow Dantzler, trying to hang on with the Cowboys as a special-teams player, was hammered and knocked sideways four separate times on his 84-yard touchdown return against the Squared Sevens, and each time recovered his balance to keep running. This man wants a job!

Once They Were Kings: On his game-icing 6-yard touchdown run, Deuce McAllister went straight ahead through the once-mighty Nevermores defense untouched by human hands.

Sixty-Minute Men: The Cleveland Oranges (Release 2.1) trailed the entire game, taking their first lead on a conversion attempt after time expired.

Where Was the Defense? No. 1: It was Jax 20, Oranges 14 with Cleveland exactly at midfield, 11 seconds remaining and no timeouts. Everybody knew the Hail Mary was coming; Morgan made the improbable catch. But check the tape, where was the defense? Cleveland had to get across the goal line, yet a mere two Jacksonville defenders were in the end zone. Three were rushing, one was near the line of scrimmage and five were clustered around the 20-yard line. Why was Jax defending the 20-yard line? In a Hail Mary situation, most defenders should spot up in the end zone, for the reason that is obvious to everyone except, apparently, Jaguars coaches.

Proof of the rule: The Jersey/A-Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons game ended in an identical situation, the Persons trailing by six with the ball at midfield, 10 seconds left and no timeouts. A Hail Mary, of course. Seven Giants defenders were clustered in the end zone, where the pass clanged harmlessly to the ground.

Terrell Owens, Jeff Garcia
Happy about the touchdown, or laughing at the 'Boys D?

Where Was the Defense? No. 2: Trailing by three with 15 seconds to play, the Squared Sevens were on the 'Boys 8-yard line. Let's see, Terrell Owens leads the league in receiving touchdowns. He'd scored earlier in the game, on a play from close to the Dallas goal line. Hmmmmmmmmm. Oh who might San Francisco throw to? Yet Dallas left Owens single-covered -- singled by underwhelming nickel back Dwayne Goodrich -- while the Cowboys triple-covered tight end Eric Johnson. Three defenders on the legendary Eric Johnson and one guy on the biggest receiving threat in the league! Owens even ran the same pattern as on his previous touchdown, a simple down-and-in. Dallas coaches appeared shocked that the pass went to Owens. Ye gods.

Where Was the Defense? No. 3: Game scoreless in the first, the Marine Mammals faced third-and-3 on the Chicago 5. Jay Fiedler faked a pitch left, rolled right and threw for the touchdown to backup tight end Jed Weaver, who had brush-blocked then cut into the end zone. No one covered Weaver. Sure, sometimes the tight end slips past uncovered on a play-fake on first-and-goal. But on third-and-3? Aye caramba.

Miami cheerleaders
The American work ethic in action.

Mega-Babe Professionalism It was raining and the wind was snapping flags Monday night in Miami, but the high-aesthetic-appeal Dolphins cheerleaders came out in their skimpy two-piece numbers. Seeing this professionalism, the football gods rewarded their team with victory.

Since TMQ began writing about the overdressed-coach factor three years ago, word seems to have gotten around the league, and it has become rarer for one coach to wear significantly more than his opposite number. In cases where neither opposing coach overdresses -- as was the case in Miami, Dave Wannstedt and Dick Jauron both sporting light windbreakers -- the onus of propitiating the football gods shifts to the cheerleaders. Miami's cheer-babes rose to the challenge.

Contrast to the Indianapolis at Denver game last month, when the equally high aesthetic appeal Broncos cheerleaders came out in such heavy parkas and bulky snow pants they looked like Michelin Men, and their team was denied victory.

Thus comes the time to add a corollary to TMQ's immutable law of the sideline, Cold Coach = Victory. The corollary: If Coaches Equal, Cheerleader Professionalism = Victory. In this usage, professionalism means skin or at least skin-tight.

Low-Gear Drive of the Week: Taking possession at their 24 at the beginning of the fourth quarter, leading 20-7, the Oakland Long Johns (see below) staged a 14-play, eight-minute touchdown drive that ended the Bolts' hopes. Everything on the drive was a run or an under pass, the longest gain being 15 yards.

Marty Mornhinweg
It's OT Marty, not rocket science.

The Happiest Man in America: Marty Mornhinweg of the Lions, when Arizona won the overtime coin toss.

The Unhappiest Man in America: Marty Mornhinweg of the Lions, when his charges committed penalties on three of the first four plays of overtime, including a flag that wiped out a Detroit interception returned to the Cards' 11-yard line. Arizona kicked a figgie to win a few plays after the penalty-nullified interception.

We're All Professionals Here: Three successive downs in the New Orleans-Baltimore game: blocked punt, turnover, turnover.

Fraidy-Cat Play of the Day No. 1: In the first Buffalo-New England contest, the tastefully named Gregg Williams waved the white flag in the third quarter on a play TMQ calls the Preposterous Punt: trailing by 10, facing fourth-and-2 on the Pats' 32, Williams punted. Pumped up by the Bills' mincing timidity, New England drove for a touchdown and never looked back.

In the third quarter Sunday, Buffalo trailed New England 20-0 and this time faced fourth-and-inches on the Pats' 8. Surely Williams learned from his mistake at this point the last time. You must, if you are anything but a disoriented former high-school coach who's in way over his head, go for it. In came the field-goal unit. TMQ thought, Got to be a fake. The figgie launched, TMQ lamented, "Aaaiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeee!". Only possible explanation: an onside kick would follow. Regular kickoff.

Thus the tastefully named Gregg Williams followed up the Preposterous Punt with the Fraidy-Cat Figgie. Both times Williams would have been better off going for it and failing -- but sending his team the message that he was challenging them to win. By kicking, he sent his team the message he expected to lose and was in too far over his head to do anything about it.

There are numerous examples of gentlemen who were solid assistant coaches -- Williams was a successful defensive coordinator at Tennessee -- but flops as head coaches because they lack leadership, game-day skills or ability to perform under pressure. Game-day skills are an especially overlooked factor. Head coaches aren't just standing there, they make the key decisions and are looked to by players for inspiration. Twice at critical times this season, Bills players looked to Williams and saw that, far from providing inspiration, he was signaling that he couldn't take the pressure. Before getting the Buffalo helm, Williams' sole head-coaching experience was in high school. Drew Bledsoe deserves better than a high-school coach.

Fraidy-Cat Play of the Day No. 2: Leading 27-24, Dallas faced fourth-and-1 at the San Francisco 28 with 2:21 remaining. That's a 47-yard field-goal attempt and the 'Boys field-goal kicker, Billy Cundiff, is having a shaky year -- among qualifiers, second-to-last in the league in kick scoring. If the attempt misses, the Squared Sevens get the ball at the 37. Even if the field-goal hits, a touchdown still wins it for the Niners. Most important, San Francisco is out of timeouts. The Cowboys gain a single yard the game is over: kneel-downs will exhaust the clock. And the Cowboys can't make the playoffs anyway, why not go for it and play to win? In came the field-goal unit. TMQ thought, Got to be a fake. The kick launched, TMQ lamented, "Aaaiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeee!". Clang, Niners' ball and you know the rest.

Dave Campo is auto-fired as of Dec. 30 anyway, so no need for a coaching analysis on this one.

Laura
It's a shame it's so cold up there.

Cheerleader of the Week: Minnesota might be having a cover-your-eyes season, but everything is going swimmingly for the TMQ ESPN Cheerleader of the Week, the scrumptious Laura of the Vikings. According to her team bio, Laura is a student at the University of Minnesota who has 16 years of dance training, whose career aspiration is to work in the fashion industry for a well-known designer and whose "favorite memory as a Viking cheerleader is putting on the uniform for the first time." Considering her swimsuit pose, hundreds of guys will think their favorite memory is Laura removing her uniform for the first time.

According to the Vikings' cheerleader FAQs page, Minnesota cheer-babes aren't paid, receiving only two game tickets and a parking pass. TMQ recommends they unionize and demand a fairer deal; if Hubert Humphrey were still alive the Vikings cheerleaders would be union-shop and filing grievances about their eyeliner allowance, that's certain. The FAQs page further explains that all Minnesota cheerleaders "lift weights and participate in numerous cardiovascular activities in order to improve our endurance," the primary test of that endurance being watching the Vikings this year.

Best Schemes: Touts are buzzing about how City of Tampa stopped Michael Vick by having Derrick Brooks "spy" him -- having Brooks ignoring normal responsibilities to mirror Vick's every move. It worked, but only a top-ranked defense with a pure-athlete as fast as Brooks will be able to get away with this.

Michael Vick
Vick was without his schtick when he faced the Bucs.

Tampa's offensive schemes were also impressive. The Bucs went "bunch" on key plays, but varied the bunch each time. Game scoreless in the second, first-and-goal on the Falcons' 10, Tampa lined up a tight end with a receiver directly behind him in a slot split on both sides, plus a back set right. The back ran to the short right flat, drawing up the Falcons defense; the right-side tight end ran to flag, dragging out the safety; Joe Jurevicius, the receiver behind the end on that side, ran a quick down and turn-in for the touchdown.

Two possessions later, leading 7-0, the Bucs had first-and-goal on the Falcons' 13. This time they bunched three in a slot split right and put the back and a receiver on the left side. The right-side tight end ran to the short right flat, drawing up the Falcons defense; the right-bunched receiver ran to flag, dragging out the safety; and you'll never guess what pattern was run by Joe Jurevicius, the left-bunched receiver on the right. Quick down and turn-in for the touchdown.

Worst One-Man Olé Block: Eagle N.D. Kalu got to the Seattle Blue Men Group punter so fast he didn't even have to block the punt; he simply tackled the punter, who had received a good snap. How did Kalu get there so fast? Blue Men up-man Heath Evans, assigned to block anyone breaking through the line, stepped aside to let Kalu pass untouched by human hands.

Worst Group Olé Block No. 2: Runner Corey Dillon was tackled five yards deep in the end zone for a safety after the entire right side of the Bengals line was driven backward by assorted Panthers. The play started on the Cincinnati 3-yard line! Ye gods.

Worst Group Olé Block No. 3: Trailing by a touchdown, San Diego went for it on fourth-and-1 from the Oakland 31 on the opening possession of the second half. The call was sweep left, and TMQ hates slow-developing plays on short yardage. LaDainian Tomlinson lost three yards when the entire left side of the Bolts line was driven backward by assorted Raiders. Several San Diego players, including left tackle Damion McIntosh, simply stood watching, making no attempt to block anyone. It was the defining play of the Bolts crash-and-burn.

Dobby the Elf
Spurrier! Get off the bed!

Hey, It Used to Work Against Western Carolina: Facing third-and-2 against Jersey/A, Dobby the Elf (Steve Spurrier) sent his charges out in a flag-football trick-play formation with the center, quarterback, a running back and two guards in the middle of the field; a tackle and two receivers split wide on each side. The back ran straight ahead for the first, but you could almost hear Giants coaches saying to each other, "Spurrier is starting to lose it."

Stop Me Before I Blitz Again! Leading 17-7 with 45 seconds left in the half, the Detroit Peugeots (see below) had the Cards facing third down. It's a blitz! Seven gentlemen cross the line; touchdown pass to Nate Poole, and the Arizona comeback is on.

The Sort of Offense That Rolls Up 47 Yards: Facing third-and-1 with three minutes left in the half, Houston not only didn't run, David Carr sprinted backyards 10 yards before throwing the ball away; punt. Sprinted backwards 10 yards on third-and-1.

Worst Heave-Ho: Brian Griese's game-ending interception at the Jets' goal line with Broncos trailing by six was a pass forced into triple coverage. And it was first down from the 23 with 1:32 left, plenty of time and downs to throw the ball away and try anew. Plus Brian, if there are three guys on the man you are looking at, what might your instinct tell you about the other receivers?

Stats of the Week: Kansas City has won its last two games by a combined 98-10.

Stats of the Week No. 2: Kansas City, the league's highest-scoring team, is in last place in th