July 17, 2005

Bow Down Before Me, For I AM Your Cheesecake Eating Champion

POST #    1801

(I believe I'm on slice 3 in the first picture and 4 in the second. Note the amusement of the crowd and the visiting team. Photos by Kim)

Yesterday I went to my first Brooklyn Cyclones game of the season after missing the first ticket in my weekend ticket package. While waiting for the game to start, I was presented with a unique opportunity, a cheesecake eating competition. Despite some hesitation and some questions to the Cyclones marketing rep, I agreed to the contest and signed my waiver. I was told that the slices of cheesecake were not that big, my competition was bigger than me, and that the record was five slices of cheesecake. Sounds pretty easy, except it's a 30 second competition.

While waiting for the end of the 3rd inning (when I was to report for the competition), my mind was going crazy. What kind of cheesecake will it be? Thick? Fluffy? Will there be water? Do I drink the water? How much bigger is this guy than me? Is he old? Young? How much chewing should I actually do? Would three cheesecakes be enough to win?

My competition, while technically bigger than me, was not very intimidating at all. He was probably in his 50s, about 5'5", but he had a belly like he knew how to pack away a cheesecake. I was happy to hear that he had never participated in an eating competition before, but dismayed to hear that he usually gets a cheesecake when he goes to a Cyclones game. Little did he know that I could pack away a decent amount of food and that cheesecake is my favorite cake.

Around comes the end of the 4th inning and it's showtime. The MC decides to introduce us by last names. To his left is Edison and to his right, me. "...Mao. He claims no relation to the Communist dictator." Nice. Before us is a table of 18 cheesecakes, 9 for each of us. No forks allowed and we were told that the messier, the better. Of course. 30 seconds, here we go...

I move to pick up the first piece and it's a disaster. The cheesecake breaks in half. It's warm and humid, and the cheesecakes have become soft, making them easy to shove into your mouth, but difficult to pick up. A cheesy mess. I shove the first piece (now two pieces) into my mouth and go with the natural, but unnecessary, instinct to chew before swallowing. As I start on my second piece, the MC says I'm actually behind with Edison at 1.5 slices. I look over and it seems like he's on his second too. This was probably about 10 seconds into it. Time to focus.

The beauty of eating the soft cheesecake is that it was very easy to cram into your mouth. So I proceed to cram, chew, swallow through the second piece, then the third. "Mao is now in the lead!" The fourth goes in, and finally piece number five as time expires. While I didn't really swallow #5, I'm going to go with what I see during IFOCE competitions - if it's in the mouth, it counts. Lets ignore the fact that at least half a slice was on my hands and face. I had vanquished Edison who probably only ate 2.5-3 slices. Easy as pie. My arm was raised in victory. As we walked off the field, I proceeded to eat the cake off my hand. Why waste it, right?

My prize was a hand that smelled like cheese the rest of the night and a $50 gift certificate for more cheesecake. Now, pass the Lipitor and sign me up for that angioplasty.

Posted by tien mao in Food/Drink, Sports at 11:25 AM



This is the most hilarious AND disturbing thing I've read all week. And I read the crime blotter!

But, Tien, all I can say is that I'm proud of you, showing a middle aged man with a substantial belly that he's no match for the cheesecake eating machine that you are.

Posted by: Jen at July 17, 2005 11:30 AM

Dude that's awesome! If only we had some close up pictures of the action.

Posted by: FlatGreg at July 17, 2005 12:18 PM

And so....the dawn of a new career begins.

Posted by: Rocknrope at July 17, 2005 12:50 PM

Tien, pretty solid story, man! I'm sure you're going to be spending that giftcert real soon...

You should've given one of the dudes on the side to snap a few. Maybe next time!

Posted by: Moe at July 17, 2005 5:25 PM

Hey, I was at this game with a couple of friends of mine... pretty neat. What did you think of all those awful puns the MC was making? Did you even hear them? We were cringing.

Posted by: Andrew Ross at July 17, 2005 5:42 PM

Congratulations! Was it good cheesecake?

Posted by: joe at July 17, 2005 6:17 PM

andrew - what were they saying. all i got was the beginning. after that, i was in "the zone."

joe - the cheesecake was okay. nothing spectacular.

Posted by: tien [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 17, 2005 7:02 PM

Am I the only one who read this and didn't even raise an eyebrow? 3 pieces is nothing Mao! I've seen you eat way more. What happened to the other 4 slices? Rematch!

Posted by: corie at July 17, 2005 8:19 PM

cheesecake party at tien's!

Posted by: yp at July 17, 2005 8:47 PM


Congrats! I was at the game too. The MC said something about you sticking out your Mao-tse tongue, and a bunch of other Mao puns that I don't remember. Anyone else remember?

Posted by: Howie at July 17, 2005 10:10 PM

I seem to recall something about being the Pe-king of cheesecake eating... like I said, we were cringing. But not as much as we were when that "hypnotist" hit the field.

Posted by: Andrew Ross at July 17, 2005 10:46 PM

nice...any post-cheesecake competition pics? maybe, like from the stall u hurled into?

Posted by: halo | veritech pilot at July 18, 2005 12:24 AM

wow, those are really, really horrible.

Posted by: tien [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 18, 2005 7:41 AM

how long do you think it'll be before you can eat another slice o' cheesecake? :)

Posted by: spae [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 18, 2005 9:55 AM

I would bet green money that the 95% of the crowd has no idea who Mao Tse Tung is.

Posted by: Rocknrope [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 18, 2005 10:04 AM

That'll teach me not to come with you to Cyclones games. You ROCK!

Posted by: Laren [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 18, 2005 3:36 PM

Chairman Cheesecake!

Posted by: Adam [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 18, 2005 3:38 PM

I have never, ever, ever been more proud of you.

Posted by: Maine at July 18, 2005 4:10 PM

i could probably go for some eileen's cheesecake right now.

rockenrope, you're probably right.

maine, thank you. thank you very much.

Posted by: tien [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 18, 2005 5:07 PM

I am so proud of you. You beat those two guys on the subway with the watermelon.

Posted by: Grunt at July 18, 2005 5:56 PM

I wonder how much cheesecake Takeru Kobayashi could eat in 30 seconds.

Posted by: Pete at July 19, 2005 12:00 AM

Hey I just found your webpage while doing a GIS for "philly cheesesteaks". Excellent blog and keep up the good work!

Posted by: Anon at July 19, 2005 12:54 PM

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